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Goddamnit, Ratner Might Be CONAN's Man After All

post #1 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:00am
Thread Starter 
http://chud.com/articles/articles/16...ALL/Page1.html
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post #2 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:05am
In other news; there is no god.
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post #3 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:06am
This sounds about right. They fucked up the 'Age of Conan' mmorpg...it only stands to reason that they'll fuck up the Conan movie reboot just to be thorough.
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post #4 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:09am
"Might" ?

I'm clinging to that word.
Haven't studios learned anything?
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post #5 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:11am
You guys are just jealous of the Rat.
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post #6 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:12am
Chris Tucker as Thulsa Doom!
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post #7 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:14am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ratty View Post
Chris Tucker as Thulsa Doom!
Oh, FUCK YOU for that.
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post #8 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:14am
Sometimes I think these things happen because people speak their worst fears out loud.
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post #9 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:19am
Uwe Boll wanted the gig, but his filmography was deemed too Arcadian.
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post #10 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:20am
Oh boy, just what Ratner needs.

More work.
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post #11 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:27am
I might be dipping my toe into the pond of insanity, but I'd take Len Wiseman over Ratner.

On a serious note, I would've loved to have seen Neil Marshall get the gig. Conan is the type of property that screams for a director that understands genre. I'm still convinced that only reason Ratner became a director was for the pussy. On that note...WTF...he looks like a younger version of Joel Silver.
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post #12 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:28am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BankytheHack View Post
I'm still convinced that only reason Ratner became a director was for the pussy.


...or for the Evans.
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post #13 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:31am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BankytheHack View Post
I'm still convinced that only reason Ratner became a director was for the pussy.
There are worse reasons.

edit: Leave it to Sonic Boom...yeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.
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post #14 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:33am
Who thought Ratner is a good idea for a fucking Conan movie? There is no way for Conan to work without a little madness behind it. Ratner is Blandy McNondescript.

I expect nothing more than a Scorpion King level picture. With a considerably worse lead.
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post #15 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:34am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic Boom View Post


...or for the Evans.
Christ...for a second or two I thought that was Edward James Olmos.
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post #16 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:37am
Ratty, Thulsa Doom, Red Sonja, and Conan are apparantly each getting film adaptions. I am glad that Brett Ratner and co will not be re-making John Millius Conan. I want to see Robert E Howard's Conan, where the barbarian is intelligent as he is deadly with a sword and all kinds of weapons. Conan does become a king at some point in REH's prose, so he should not be portrayed as dumb.
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post #17 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:41am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
I expect nothing more than a Scorpion King level picture. With a considerably worse lead.
See:



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post #18 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:43am
Damnit, I agreed with Fleed. Howards Conan is more like James Bond.
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post #19 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jay f View Post
Damnit, I agreed with Fleed. Howards Conan is more like James Bond.
We both need to start drinking heavily, then...I agree as well. We're going to get the Conan equivalent of 'After the Sunset' instead.
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post #20 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:52am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BankytheHack View Post
See:
I love Hollywood. Whatever nonsense you can come up with, you can be sure they got there ahead of you.
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post #21 of 74
10/17/08 at 11:52am
This is gonna get real ugly.

Reeeeal uglay.
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post #22 of 74
10/17/08 at 12:33pm
What was it that I said last time? Oh yeah...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8 View Post
I stop worrying about Ratner being attached to any given property when it's being filmed by another, and not a minute sooner. Even then, I worry about "creative differences" and Ratner getting the call in his RatCave on the RatPhone.
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post #23 of 74
10/17/08 at 12:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by horrid View Post
Uwe Boll wanted the gig, but his filmography was deemed too Arcadian.
Brilliant, horrid. Give yourself a green box from me.
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post #24 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:15pm
Do you enjoy ruining people's day Russ? I think I need a minute or two. I'd almost rather see Paul W.S. Anderson make another Resident Evil movie than see Ratner direct a Conan film.
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post #25 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:16pm
Ratner will never, NEVER be able to provide a commentary with the magical qualities of the Milius/Schwarzenegger comedic goldmine.

Thankfully I don't really care about this property, or I'd be all up in arms. Though it is sad, because it could've been really interesting had a director with some talent and an ounce of artistic integrity been put on it.
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post #26 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:19pm
It's hardly the worst news ever.

Another Resident Evil picture is much more offensive, surely?
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post #27 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bees?! View Post
Another Resident Evil picture is much more offensive, surely?
I think actually caring about another Resident Evil is offensive.
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post #28 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:37pm
Isn't Anderson writing another Resident Evil movie?
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post #29 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:46pm
Get a grip, people. Like this reboot was just brimming with untapped potential before? This was always going to be a dumb popcorn movie, and Ratner is pretty good at making those.
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post #30 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:48pm
Thread Starter 
That's the thing; I don't give a shit about Conan. The original film is a great cinematic fluke. It represents a whole bunch of right people coming together at the right time. No matter what creative team came on board this, it would never be what the Milius Conan was. So this news is lame but hardly the worst thing ever. Probably not even the worst thing today.
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post #31 of 74
10/17/08 at 1:59pm
Milius actually captured cinematic gold with the original Conan. But why do we even need another one (unless Milius or myself direct)? I mean, it might be more slick, but the original has atmosphere in spades and a real feel that it's a world without middle class american values...something that RATner panders to. Fuck him. If NuImage goes with him, this movie can suck sweaty, vinegary balls.
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post #32 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
Get a grip, people. Like this reboot was just brimming with untapped potential before? This was always going to be a dumb popcorn movie, and Ratner is pretty good at making those.
Considering the other names mentioned (Neil Marshall, etc), there was at least the chance of getting a QUALITY dumb popcorn movie from someone who understands visceral, stylish, and exploitive storytelling.

It's pulp, but that doesn't mean I want "point and shoot" pedestrian pulp.
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post #33 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:05pm
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post #34 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8 View Post
Considering the other names mentioned (Neil Marshall, etc), there was at least the chance of getting a QUALITY dumb popcorn movie from someone who understands visceral, stylish, and exploitive storytelling.

It's pulp, but that doesn't mean I want "point and shoot" pedestrian pulp.
I don't understand why a fan of Neil Marshall would want him to waste a year or more on a soulless paycheck gig like this as opposed to writing and directing something original. I know I'd rather have another Descent or even Doomsday.

Ratner is hardly the worst choice for something like this, especially when guys like Paul Anderson or Rob Cohen are sniffing around for their next project. And if you truly hate Ratner, the bright side is that this gig (temporarily) keeps him out of contention for projects like Captain America or the inevitable Superman reboot.

I really don't see the downside.
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post #35 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
I don't understand why a fan of Neil Marshall would want him to waste a year or more on a soulless paycheck gig like this as opposed to writing and directing something original. I know I'd rather have another Descent or even Doomsday.
Fair enough. Hopefully Marshall can keep his career on track and continue to get financing for his original genre flicks that seem custom made for me, but are hit & miss at the box office.

I was hoping for him to get some "Zach Snyder" or "Robert Rodriguez" clout and muscle his way up the totem pole though (and on a property for which I think he's a good fit). That might give him more guaranteed finances in the future.
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post #36 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:29pm
I'd much rather see Ratner on either of those things than on Conan.

The original stories aren't great literature, but they're fun. They're the old school kind of pulp, from back when it was sleazy and disreputable, as opposed to the family-friendly faux-pulp we tend to get nowadays. Between this and Pixar being handed the reins to John Carter, I think the genre is on the verge of being completely neutered. At least there's still film noir.
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post #37 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:31pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
And if you truly hate Ratner, the bright side is that this gig (temporarily) keeps him out of contention for projects like Captain America or the inevitable Superman reboot.

I really don't see the downside.
Funny, I just did an update to the article (to reflect a few people saying this is a fully done deal) and said exactly the same thing there.
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post #38 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
And if you truly hate Ratner, the bright side is that this gig (temporarily) keeps him out of contention for projects like Captain America or the inevitable Superman reboot.

I really don't see the downside.
I'm more of a Conan fan than Superman, so I'll just have to sulk over in the corner alone, I guess.
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post #39 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:44pm
Well, yeah. One less property to care about, people. I know Nu Image is trying to build a Conan universe with Red Sonja and that proposed Thulsa Doom film with Djimon Honsou, but I don't think that dog will hunt.
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post #40 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DARKMITE8 View Post
I'm more of a Conan fan than Superman, so I'll just have to sulk over in the corner alone, I guess.
Me too. Do you have any space in yours or should I find my own?
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post #41 of 74
10/17/08 at 2:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
Me too. Do you have any space in yours or should I find my own?
Just be sure to bring your own Kleenex. Mine are spoken for.

Sad tissues... not happy tissues.
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post #42 of 74
10/17/08 at 3:04pm
I can shed no more tears. I'm all out. You can keep your Kleenex, thank you.
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post #43 of 74
10/17/08 at 3:10pm
Once they dumped the Milius KING CONAN script the franchise was dead to me. Have at it Ratner.
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post #44 of 74
10/17/08 at 3:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
Ratner is hardly the worst choice for something like this, especially when guys like Paul Anderson or Rob Cohen are sniffing around for their next project. And if you truly hate Ratner, the bright side is that this gig (temporarily) keeps him out of contention for projects like Captain America or the inevitable Superman reboot.

I really don't see the downside.
I'd rather see Ratner direct a romantic comedy starring Renee Zellweger and Meg Ryan in a battle to see which fucked up face Gerard Butler will fall in love with.
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post #45 of 74
10/17/08 at 3:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aquafresh View Post
Once they dumped the Milius KING CONAN script the franchise was dead to me. Have at it Ratner.
What he said.
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post #46 of 74
10/17/08 at 4:44pm
So, we will not get a bad Conan movie. just an entirely forgettable one.
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post #47 of 74
10/17/08 at 7:46pm
At least we know we'll see some Grade-A trim in the inevitable orgy scene.
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post #48 of 74
10/17/08 at 7:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Litmus Configuration View Post
At least we know we'll see some Grade-A trim in the inevitable orgy scene.
So finally a worthy competitor for the atrocious final scene of "The Perfume" I guess.

And since I don´t care for Conan in the slightest I have to second the comments that this is a good thing for all other potentially good projects out there that Ratner has set his sight on.
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post #49 of 74
10/17/08 at 9:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slater View Post
This was always going to be a dumb popcorn movie, and Ratner is pretty good at making those.
No, he isn't. Nothing - and I mean nothing - in Ratner's body of work lends itself to a second viewing on DVD, a catch-up on cable or even an enjoyable killing-time afternoon at the multiplex. His approach is utterly bland and uninteresting, and I wish he'd concentrate solely on music videos.

Seriously, I would sooner rewatch a Paul W.S. Anderson 'dumb popcorn movie' than one of Ratner's efforts.

Edited to add that, okay, Rat's PRISON BREAK pilot wasn't all that bad.
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post #50 of 74
10/17/08 at 10:07pm
I'm not going to defend Ratner too much. But there's a world of difference between uninspired and inept.

Besides, a Conan movie that doesn't star Arnold has such a niche appeal that I can't believe it's getting made in the first place. Did you really think this material was going to land someone like Bay or Verbinski? Fuck, I'm shocked Chuck Russell isn't behind the camera.
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