General Banks Advice - Page 2

Dear "Judas Booth,"

Because it's hard to say you're sorry.

All my best.

Dear "stelios,"

I look nothing like Mark Linn-Baker, though I'm equally prissy. I am not sure where that leaves us. In any event, we would need to set boundaries for our living arrangement. For instance, I keep my ketchup on the first shelf inside the fridge door. This is non-negotiable. I am never to be touched. This is also non-negotiable. Finally, I do not have any wacky neighbors. I have lived in my building for nine years and have only seen them a handful of times. One is a man, the other is a woman. That is all you need to know about them.

In passing, I feel it is also important to note that the composer of the Perfect Strangers theme song is David Pomeranz, who also wrote a song called "It's in Every One of Us," famously sung on John Denver & The Muppets Christmas album.

All my best.

Dear "billylove,"

It's the only way to be sure.

Dear "Judas Booth,"

It's the only way to be sure.

Dear "The LD,"

It's the only way to be sure.

Dear "Judas Booth,"

Why not?

All my best.

Dear "Judge Smails,"

What you have described is a classic case of schadenfreude, which is a German word roughly meaning "the pen is on the table." Over the years it has come to mean more than that, of course. Specifically, it is taking joy in the pain of others. This sentiment is often expressed in the contemporary vernacular as "LULZ." Your lulzing points perhaps to a deficiency in your own psyche, one that demands pointing out the way others are pwned in order to ZOMG look better 2 urself. In that respect it is understandable.

All my best.

Dear "Timothy225,"

Fortunately you do not have to exert yourself to the point of exhaustion to sculpt for yourself a physique like mine. You simply need to follow a few easy steps:

1. Eat anything you want. Eat it as fast as you can, in any amount.
2. Within ten minutes of eating diet plan meal, move into a bathroom (or perhaps a conveniently located trench in the ground which is at least three cubic feet in volume).
3. Lean over the toilet-slash-hole in the ground.
4. Open your mouth as wide as you can, wider than the time you watched a youtube clip of Rip Taylor masturbating Gary Coleman.
5. Insert the index finger of your dominant hand into the deepest recesses of your throat. If you would feel more comfortable, insert your non-dominant hand so that you can more easily pretend a doctor is administering the treatment and thereby relieving any pesky guilt from the proceedings.
6. Within seconds your gag reflex will kick in and your meal will conveniently expunge itself from your digestive crevices.
7. Deposit expunged nutrients/queso dip into the toilet-slash-hole in the ground.
8. Repeat as necessary.

With this simple dietary tip, you will find yourself in great shape in no time, without even going to the gym! Prove to your friends, family and coworkers that Asians aren't the only ones who can look hip and emaciated.

All my best.

* Disclaimer: Individual results may vary.

See response above.

Dear "Joe LeFors,"

I'd fuck Colin Farrell, marry Korean John Cusack, and kill Hugh Jackman. Then my girlfriends and I would ignore the other one because we're stupid drunk girls and we have no idea who the hell Emile Hirsch is.

All my best.

Dear "The LD,"

I'm sorry, who are you again?

Dear "billylove,"

The small roles seem to suit him.

Dear "stelios,"

Yes, I also knew a man from Nantucket.

Dear "C.Swicegood,"

Once the check comes, take up the paper, stick it down into your pants and scratch your balls with it. For added effect, cross the Taint Bridge and come back up the Star Valley Highway. Once it's done with its trip you'll find it picked up all sorts of ill-meaning hitchhikers along the way. Of course it won't keep you from ingesting the sous chef's pubic hair, but at least you'll know you responded in kind.

All my best.

Dear "The LD,"

If references to Jamison Newlander and Top Secret aren't enough to satisfy your movie content quota, then you must be some sort of flibbertigibbet.

Good day to you sir.

All my best.

Dear "Soul Ahn Ice,"

Well, black people think it's this, and white people think it's that. It's all very humorous.

All my best.

Dear "Tom Logan,"

I would caution you on making a leap directly from from the work of Shannon Tweed to full-on penetration. This would be akin to going from riding a bicycle directly to driving a Ferrari. You need to make sure to learn how to work the stick on the new one first. Fortunately, the purveyors of the pornography pyramid produce a line of products which is somewhere in between the soft-focus erotic Andrew Stevens thrillers of the early 90's and the full-on gynecological exams of modern hardcore porn. I call them meat slappers. At this level of the porn pyramid, Joe and Sally screw. And you’d swear they were really doing it. But they're not. In this day and age of pervasive conservatism, the knee-jerk reaction of many creative arts has been to see what they can get away with. Thankfully for smut hounds, this artistic dogma has spread to soft core porn. The newest generation of soft core movies seek to get away with anything and everything they possibly can, which in porn terms is everything short of penetration. The sex scenes last for several minutes, meticulously involving the Five Major Positions (girl-guy oral, guy-girl oral, cowgirl, doggie and missionary), and aren’t cut away from until climax, so to speak, is reached. If you closed your eyes you’d think you were watching a hard core flick, between the moaning and the meat slapping, which is that unmistakable sound of pelvises bumping.

If you have cable, you're never far away from a meat slapper. They're the order of the day in most Skinemax offerings. You might even see an actual celebrity among the pounded (hello, Catherine Bell!). With them as a starter, soon enough you'll be ready for the ramrodding lights of primetime.

All my best.

Dear "The LD,"

Yes, CATHERINE BELL. It might also interest you to know that Ms. Bell was the nude body double for Isabella Rossellini in DEATH BECOMES HER.

Again, I really should charge for this shit.

All my best.