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Patton Oswalt has a man-crush on Jason Statham.

post #1 of 19
1/6/09 at 8:42pm
Thread Starter 
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu...ogID=461660900

Patton has several ideas on how Statham could improve Academy Nominated films:

DOUBT: Jason Statham drop-kicks the Pope through the core of the Earth, and the Pope's head goes up Meryl Streep's ass and then Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" plays

THE READER: Statham kills the teenage kid with a lawnmower, then fucks Kate Winslet literate.
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post #2 of 19
1/6/09 at 8:48pm
Fucks Kate Winslet literate.

BRILLIANT.

Quote:
GRAN TORINO: Jason Statham glowers at Clint Eastwood, who glowers back, creating a Glower Vortex which destroys the planet.
!!!
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post #3 of 19
1/6/09 at 9:55pm
Thank you, Patton Oswalt.
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post #4 of 19
1/7/09 at 12:24am
CRANK tends to get this reaction in people. Unfortunately most of Statham's other films don't measure up.
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post #5 of 19
1/7/09 at 12:55am
I just shit myself in delight.
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post #6 of 19
1/7/09 at 1:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
CRANK tends to get this reaction in people. Unfortunately most of Statham's other films don't measure up.
And just think what reactions will come from Crank 2.
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post #7 of 19
1/7/09 at 6:39am
Sigged.
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post #8 of 19
1/7/09 at 9:02am
Love Oswalt, but this hews a little too closely to those tired Chuck Norris jokes for my taste. At least Oswalt is actually funny, though.
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post #9 of 19
1/7/09 at 9:18am
The final one was the best.

"THE WRESTLER: Jason Statham, Richard Nixon, the 'roided-out Benjamin Button murder-freak, the Churchill feces-baby and Mickey Rourke drive cross country in a limo, with Leo DiCaprio's severed head on the hood, where they crash the Spirit Awards and kill everyone."

Thank you Mr.Oswalt for the wonderful image.
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post #10 of 19
1/7/09 at 2:59pm
The very idea of fucking someone literate makes me so happy.
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post #11 of 19
1/7/09 at 3:12pm
As I much as I can't stand the phrase "Man-Crush" I support this effort whole hartedly.
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post #12 of 19
1/7/09 at 3:51pm
Question(s) for all male chewers:

Is a guy saying they have a "man-crush" on (insert man here) tantamount to them saying they wish they looked like said man, or do they genuinely fancy the fella?

There was some confusion amongst my friends over this, in our late teens. To help distinguish, "I have a non-sexual crush" entered the lexicon.

What are the customs for this around the world?
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post #13 of 19
1/7/09 at 3:59pm
I blame Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's talk of being each other's Heterosexual-life-partner during the Good Will Hunting years. Such moved towards "Bromance." *shivers*
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post #14 of 19
1/7/09 at 4:05pm
Interesting. Thanks, Andre.
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post #15 of 19
1/7/09 at 4:55pm
The Winslet bit is the best, but I also dig "Statham! Yell it when you're fucking!" for its wonderful imagery.

I suggest we all try it and report back with results.
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post #16 of 19
1/7/09 at 5:05pm
I tried it, and my partner was shocked by its power. My hand immediately began signing back to me, letter by letter, T-H-A-T W-A-S I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E.
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post #17 of 19
1/7/09 at 5:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer View Post
Love Oswalt, but this hews a little too closely to those tired Chuck Norris jokes for my taste. At least Oswalt is actually funny, though.
I think his enthusiasm is 100% legit, though. The blog's date indicates Patton & I both got around to Crank at the same time, and I agree with everything he typed. I'd rather hear him effuse than read it.
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post #18 of 19
1/7/09 at 5:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer View Post
Love Oswalt, but this hews a little too closely to those tired Chuck Norris jokes for my taste. At least Oswalt is actually funny, though.
The difference is everything Patton wrote was true. Chuck Norris is a Republican who sells the Total Gym. Statham stars in movies called Crank and Death Race and has sex with Amy Adams on a race track while dodging horses with a crowd cheering him on.
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post #19 of 19
1/7/09 at 5:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patton Oswalt View Post
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD: Jason Statham drives an 18-wheeler full of nitro into the title suburb, blows everything to shit, and then spends 90 minutes hunting down absolutely everyone involved with the making of this film, beating them to death with TV trays.
Dear Fucking Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster, yes!
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