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Detroit Unthroned: we have a new misery champion!

post #1 of 77
2/9/09 at 7:46pm
Thread Starter 
After a much vaunted residence at the top of the charts, Detroit and its sister city of Flint have been pushed all the way down to 6 and 7 on America's misery index.

http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/am...le-cities.html

Stockton, California
Memphis, Tennessee
Chicago, Illinois
Cleveland, Ohio
Modest, CA
Flint, Mich.
Detroit, Mich.
Buffalo, NY
Miami, Florida
St. Louis, Missouri

It's early, but I'm smelling a comeback for 2009!
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post #2 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:02pm
I love your Detroit updates, Overlord. You're like a bored god sitting above his people, chuckling as they destroy themselves. I kind of figured Detroit was like the Bible on the bestseller list: it is, was and always will be #1, so we'll just call whatever's in second #1.

And yeah, Buffalo's a miserable place.
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post #3 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:04pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin View Post
I love your Detroit updates, Overlord. You're like a bored god sitting above his people, chuckling as they destroy themselves. I kind of figured Detroit was like the Bible on the bestseller list: it is, was and always will be #1, so we'll just call whatever's in second #1.

And yeah, Buffalo's a miserable place.
What do you mean "like?"
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post #4 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:05pm
Touche, sir, touche.
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post #5 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin View Post

And yeah, Buffalo's a miserable place.
Buffalo: The Staten Island of Upstate NY.
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post #6 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:32pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Clark View Post
Buffalo: The Detroit of Upstate NY.
Fixed.
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post #7 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:38pm
Thread Starter 
I think it's pretty clear why Detroit is moving down (up?) the list. It's the fact that nature is reclaiming blighted and abandoned areas!

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/4797

The article is from 2007, so it's fair to say that reforestation continues to occur. My favorite paragraph:

Quote:
Probably the most visible wildlife in the city are the roving packs of wild dogs in Detroit neighborhoods. Groups of usually four to seven dogs, each litter progressively wilder and stranger-looking than their predecessors, roam through even well-kept neighborhoods, occasionally making the news when they attack someone, usually children or mail carriers.

The State Fair neighborhood has all sorts of different, unique pockets, but the common characteristic of the area remains the eerie, spreading countryside that replaced what was long ago a stable residential neighborhood, where people could walk to stores and restaurants and churches in safety and comfort. Today, the neighborhood is post-apocalyptic, having passed through the worst standard stages of neighborhood decline: falling housing values, longtime residents moving to the suburbs, crumbling properties converted to rentals, a growth of criminal activity, abandonment by anyone who can afford to leave, and finally the disappearance of the houses themselves.
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post #8 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:42pm
The State Fair neighborhood: The Detroit of Detroit.
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post #9 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:50pm
It's pretty cool that Detroit is being overrun by Wolfen.
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post #10 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Clark View Post
Buffalo: The Staten Island of Upstate NY.
Where does Syracuse fit into this?

But Chicago worse than Detroit? I mean the murder rate is fucked up but worse than Detroit? Bullshit on that.
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post #11 of 77
2/9/09 at 8:59pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Where does Syracuse fit into this?

But Chicago worse than Detroit? I mean the murder rate is fucked up but worse than Detroit? Bullshit on that.
Clearly the creators of the measuring systems need, at gunpoint, to choose between living in one of the worst areas of Chicago or one of the worst areas of Detroit. Then we'll get a real fucking accurate assessment of the once and future champion!
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post #12 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:00pm
Chicago has no business being anywhere in the top-10 of a list of miserable cities in the US, high taxes and snow be damned.
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post #13 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:05pm
If Modesto made the list. Why not Fresno? Shit, pretty much the entire cental valley right there.
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post #14 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:06pm
All of the Inland Empire of California. That place is fucked. The only redeeming value it has is the plethora of In-N-Outs along the 5.
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post #15 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:08pm
There's an In-N-Out over in Sherman Oaks. There's no reason to go that far.
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post #16 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:09pm
There's one in Hollywood, too. I'm just trying to look at the bright side of taking the 5 through the Inland Empire.
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post #17 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spook View Post
There's one in Hollywood, too. I'm just trying to look at the bright side of taking the 5 through the Inland Empire.
I think you may be confused. The 5 does not go through the Inland Empire. Don't listen to that 909 hype.
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post #18 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:19pm
That's right. The 5 goes through the central valley, Bakersfield. That sort of thing. As you can see Chris, Spook is not from around here.

And yeah I'm familar with that Hollywood In-N-Out. I'm just within walking distance of the other one.
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post #19 of 77
2/9/09 at 9:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Allen View Post
I think you may be confused. The 5 does not go through the Inland Empire. Don't listen to that 909 hype.
Heh.

You Californians and your crazy freeways.

Apologies.
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post #20 of 77
2/9/09 at 10:00pm
Now wait a second. Doesn't Chi-town have the strange death-trap device known as Lower Whacker Drive?
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post #21 of 77
2/9/09 at 11:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Now wait a second. Doesn't Chi-town have the strange death-trap device known as Lower Whacker Drive?
Yes. Lower Wacker is a death trap. I almost ate it a couple of times because it's impossible to know when you need to turn, or whether the turn is actually blocked by a newly erected concrete barrier.

Lower Wacker is also where the Tumbler met its untimely demise in TDK.

Maybe Chicago is the most miserable city after all...
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post #22 of 77
2/9/09 at 11:26pm
Shit. Between The Dark Knight (Lower Wacker represent!) and electing the first black president, I thought we'd actually done pretty well this year. But I guess Cabrini-Green and the Cubs are gonna make you competitive on the Misery Index even if you dropped them in Acapulco. And that's not even getting into the winters.
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post #23 of 77
2/9/09 at 11:38pm
I'm not a big fan of Miami, but damn, in the top 10?

Must be the crime. I figured it had to be a bad place when I parked my car at a Best Buy and a cop stopped me to let me know to double check if I hid any valuables from the car in plain daylight.
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post #24 of 77
2/10/09 at 12:11am
Miami's sports teams couldn't have done them any favors. I imagine corruption of public officials too. Although I think the latter is bullshit, since they use conviction rates to calculate it, which allows a city to coast if they have a shit State's Attorney Office. That's what screwed Chicago, that our SA actually convicts our corrupt officials!

Of course, they're so good at it because they have so much practice, but I digress...
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post #25 of 77
2/10/09 at 12:22pm
Wait a second. I thought Cabrini-Green was destroyed after they found out the Candyman was living in there.....What?
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post #26 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElCapitanAmerica View Post
I'm not a big fan of Miami, but damn, in the top 10?

Must be the crime. I figured it had to be a bad place when I parked my car at a Best Buy and a cop stopped me to let me know to double check if I hid any valuables from the car in plain daylight.
Miami has the best PR department in the world. The city truly is a hellhole in so many ways. But somehow the only shot of Miami seen in the media is beautiful people hanging out at South Beach. And every single episode of CSI:Crazy Caruso makes it look so, so beautiful. But in reality it has rampant crime, tons of bums and a lot of internal drama (the Cubans hate the Dominicans, the blacks hate the Cubans, the whites hate them all, etc.).

As for Memphis on this list...A-freakin' men. What a craptacular city that is. If FedEx ever left the entire city would implode. If for some reason you're headed to Tennessee hit up Nashville which is a great Southern city. Skip Memphis, please.
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post #27 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:23pm
Wow, Newark and Camden didn't crack the Top 10? I don't know if I should be happy, or upset that NJ isn't trying hard enough.
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post #28 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:23pm
Good point Tim, where the hell is Camden on this list?
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post #29 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken
Wait a second. I thought Cabrini-Green was destroyed after they found out the Candyman was living in there.....What?
A lot of it has been torn down, and it's been awhile since cops refused to enter on calls or they chased the mayor out of a building, but several of the high-rises are still there. But if I'm not mistaken, its South Side counterpart, the Robert Taylor Homes, has been completely demolished and renovated in the last 10 years. Apparently it didn't eliminate enough misery to edge us above Cleveland on the list. Fucking Cleveland.
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post #30 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:32pm
Could be worse. Could've have been Cinncinati *Cues Lightening*.
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post #31 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:48pm
It's good to see St Louis still hanging in there in the top ten. My hometown may not have the sheer magnitude of misery some of the big boys have, but there's a nice consistant gray pall to life there.
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post #32 of 77
2/10/09 at 1:54pm
St. Louis should probably be higher, but Missouri as a state seems designed specifically to juke lists like this. I've always thought it was weak to dump off the slums of her two biggest cities on Illinois and Kansas, respectively.
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post #33 of 77
2/10/09 at 2:03pm
You're likely right on that one, Schwartz. Although, honestly, I still really like KCMO a lot. Planning on moving back there once my boy gets through high school in a few years.

And I lived on the East Side in Collinsville, IL for several years. East St Louis and the environs aren't just the fault of the Gateway City. You have decades of neglect from upstate IL politics. "South of Peoria? Fuck em."
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post #34 of 77
2/10/09 at 3:28pm
Chicago coming on strong!
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post #35 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Could be worse. Could've have been Cinncinati *Cues Lightening*.
I like how, in this use of the gag, Cincinnati didn't steal Camden's thunder.

See what I did there?

And yeah, Newark definitely needs to be on this list.
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post #36 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:12pm
Statistics were just released revealing Chicago's O'Hare and Midway Airports as the first and second worst airports in the country, respectively.

I think Chicago may have this in the bag at this point.
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post #37 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:23pm
Camden's angry and twitchy, not "miserable". "Miserable" denotes some sort of resignation.
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post #38 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:40pm
So Camden is Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?
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post #39 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:52pm
What Phil says is true. You may be paranoid and dangerous and hemorrhaging internally, but while the meth is still actually in your system, you're not miserable.
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post #40 of 77
2/10/09 at 5:58pm
Watch, despite this. Chicago gets the olympics. Chicago '16 Baby!
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post #41 of 77
2/10/09 at 6:47pm
I love the immense civic pride in this thread:

"Hey, my shithole wasn't ranked! You know what? We have roving packs of semi-intelligent chimpanzees armed with knives throwing balloons filled with AIDS tainted blood at children..beat that Newark!"


This is why I'm building a bomb shelter and buying K-rations from the army surplus store.
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post #42 of 77
2/10/09 at 6:58pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JudgeSmails View Post
As for Memphis on this list...A-freakin' men. What a craptacular city that is. If FedEx ever left the entire city would implode. If for some reason you're headed to Tennessee hit up Nashville which is a great Southern city. Skip Memphis, please.
Over the intersection of Southern and Highland in Memphis there is a billboard, that's almost always there and has been for years, advertising a 15 dollar wage and in the form of a question, about how it's time for you to grow up and begin working in the shipping department, with generic clip art of a brown package. Everyone I've ever known who works in the shipping department has been hurt. One of them described it as his idea of hell, constant movement, and you get your pay docked for the first injury and fired for the second.

As someone put it recently, Memphis tore down Stax Records. Later, when they realized they could make money off it, they rebuilt it.
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post #43 of 77
2/10/09 at 7:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bancroft Agee View Post
I love the immense civic pride in this thread:

"Hey, my shithole wasn't ranked! You know what? We have roving packs of semi-intelligent chimpanzees armed with knives throwing balloons filled with AIDS tainted blood at children..beat that Newark!"
.
. . . .The man does make a point, here. I still laughed my ass off at this quote.
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post #44 of 77
2/10/09 at 8:14pm
And thus, what I saw in Street Fight becomes really apparent to me.
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post #45 of 77
2/10/09 at 8:18pm
What about Philly? We have blight all over the place and we had more murders than New York in 2006.

I guess a world series will take you off the list. Eat it MARLINS
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post #46 of 77
2/11/09 at 1:10am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
Apparently it didn't eliminate enough misery to edge us above Cleveland on the list. Fucking Cleveland.
We're serious fucking business.
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post #47 of 77
2/11/09 at 1:30am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rourkefan View Post
What about Philly? We have blight all over the place and we had more murders than New York in 2006.
I haven't seen packs of wild dogs yet, or nature reclaiming city blocks. That's kind of astonishing to see.
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post #48 of 77
2/11/09 at 1:45am
I think a total collapse of civilization gets you ranked over just plain murder. The way things are going I see the headlines for next year being Detroit: We Got Cannibals Motherfucker!
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post #49 of 77
2/12/09 at 3:42pm
If you're looking to trim the family down in these tough economic times, just come to Orlando! It's only a matter of time before one of your kids disappears.
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post #50 of 77
2/12/09 at 8:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Troy n View Post
I've seen THE WIRE...Where the heck is Baltimore?
Were you paying attention to the last 3 seasons? They juke the stats to keep their misery under wraps.
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