Polyamory and open relationships - Page 2

No, it's okay.

In all honesty. I haven't been going out as much lately (Problem #1) and moreso I think I've been going to the wrong places (Problem #2). ANd the fact I don't trust anything online.

I thought I had something last month, had a second date, things went fine, never got a call back and I moved on.

I mean if I really wanted sex and didn't care. I could get it easily. I just like to have some class...and be disease free.

Facebook is your friend.
Oh wait, class. Yeah, never mind then.

See, what I mean.

An open relationship only works if the central relationship is very, very solid, and both parties are committed to thorough communication. My wife and I decided more or less the week we got engaged how this was going to go, and got all our rules and regulations on how to sleep with other people hammered out before our wedding vows were written. We're coming up on our 19th anniversary this summer, so we must have done something right.

We had one bad moment several years ago, and it taught me something very valuable about "cheating". What hurts people isn't the sex, it's the lying and the secrets. The idea that your spouse has been leading a life that you weren't a part of is devastating to a relationship. After all this time, I feel no jealousy at all knowing that she's fucking someone else. But I know that if she lies to me about it, I'll be pissed.

Only slightly less important than complete disclosure is our veto rule. If one of us ever has a serious problem with the other's outside relationship, they have the right to demand an end to it. It's important not to use it frivolously, and it's only been activated once. We had a threesome with a woman who got weird on us, and my wife didn't want her around anymore, so that was that.

To me, open marriage is simply a matter of admitting what kind of people we are. I know myself, and I know that if a woman I'm attracted to were to throw herself at me, there's no chance in hell of me turning her away. I know that about myself, so why bother trying to pretend that it won't happen? Studies continually show that the majority of married couples eventually cheat on each other. I'm just admitting that I'm going to be one of those people, and finding a way to make sure it doesn't kill my marriage when it happens.

Interestingly, as we get older, our outside dalliances have become like second marriages. My wife has been seeing the same guy every Friday for twelve years now. I had a relationship going on for about five years, and it looks like we may be about to reconnect (again...we've been off and on a few times as her primary relationships fail).

Of course it's not for everyone. A couple who were friends of ours decided that our situation looked boss, and wanted to check it out. They did it all wrong, and they're divorced now. Of course, that wasn't the only reason; it wasn't a strong relationship, which is exactly why they shouldn't have gone there. And I actually feel guilty about having been party to it (I was the primary reason she wanted to do it, and we started getting together once they made the decision). The odd part is that I'm still good friends with the guy, who I've known since High School, and I haven't spoken to her since the divorce.

Sorry this was so long. I have a lot of history.

Have you seen The Ice Storm?

Don't get me started on that thing.

Yep.

Reason I asked -

Unless I missed some stuff and EdHocken's also a gay male, isn't it generally lots easier for a gay man to get sex than a straight man to get it at will? That's what my gay pals tell me, at least.

Well it is and isn't. For me anyway, if I wanted to fuck something, I could just go to Craigslist or some other site. But because I actually want to find someone appealing and not engage in Larry Craig-esque activities I avoid such things.

I mean once again, I could easily get sex. Would I actually enjoy what I got? Most likely not.

Now, to what you have heard is true because at least in my mind because guys want sex. And you have two guys, the follow-through to that sex is much easier than say a regular couple if both people have sex on the brain. Now, please point out I'm including all actions here. I'm not using any Clinton-esque rationale here to say oral sex isn't sex or that kind of nonsense.

The funny thing is this kind hook-up sort of thing has gone from the gay side of things over to the straight-side of things at least from what I remember reading in Guyland.

So Justin...has anything else happened with the crazy guy?


(Seriously, this is the kind of thread we SHOULD have in the Sex forum.)

I concur.

What do we do when not discussing film, politics, or sport?

We have sex... well, some of us do.

More brave souls should bring their escapades into the open for us to dissect.

Man, the shit we share with each other on this site.

Prude!

Get with the times, Phil. We live in a new liberal era.

The best people are the ones that combine those things.

Sharing shit is one thing I've never done. I'm not inclined to try it.

I'm really in two minds about it to be honest, and I think it has a lot to do with the splintered nature of who we are here on the boards.

I've been coming here now since 2001, so there are many here I feel that I 'know', but at the same time I also realise we leave a lot of ourselves to ourselves and hold back a lot (understandably) so I simultaniously feel I don't really know anyone in some ways.

When people do get personal on the boards I actually applaud them for opening up, but at the same time I completely understand and empathise with people who feel reticent in doing so as well.

Many people here on the board I really like (and some not so much, but honestly not that many), but would I ever claim to know them really?

Probably not, no.

...and then you get a thread like this one, which gives me a real insight into quite a few chewers here as well as being an honest to goodness fascinating topic to discuss. Do I want to know what else is happening in this tale now? Absolutely. Do I feel kind of like a gossip for wanting to know? Kinda, but I think it also has a lot to do with respecting a lot of people on here (a helluva lot for some of you - some big brains and amazing personalities round here which is one of the reason I'll be loyal to chud as long as it exists) and so wanting to know more about them as people and not just chewers. Which I think is a pretty natural response.

Eh, I'm rambling, and maybe I feel this a little differently because Im on the other side of the globe to about 85% of you all, but I sometimes think about my connection to this online community and how real and how virtual it is and how maybe Im fooling myself into thinking or even wishing it's something it isn't.

Or maybe it is and Im simply overthinking it.

The kids today who have always had these virtual communities seem to deal with this better than someone like me that remembers a time before them, maybe that plays a role as well.


...and with that I realise that's something Ive wanted to get off my chest around here for a while, but I don't know if I have a major punchline or even a point.

But I love this place and that has a shitload to do with many of the people who frequent it and I guess wonder what that means sometimes.

[/rant end]

It means you're a normal human being, Rain Dog... and don't apologise for ranting or rambling. We all do it.

That you can say things like that, speaks to the level of maturity you posess. I come on here and make silly comments and the like, but occasionally someone will say something, and I have to respond seriously.

I don't have a problem with people knowing personal things about me. My life is an open book, and I have no regrets about how I've lived.

Maybe others feel differently, and that's their prerogative.

Anyhoo... back on topic.

Orgies good... fire bad!

For what it's worth, this comment wasn't necessarily a negative. After posting here for five years I feel as close to a lot of you as you can in a virtual community. I commend the lengths to which some of you lay yourselves bare, I just know that I am far too squeamish to be as open on certain topics. That's just me.

Using my real name also keeps what topics I discuss in check too. But I'll be damned if I don't take some vicarious pleasure in reading it.

If you do a search of this forum when it first started, everyone was really open about their personal sex life. Unfortunately what's good for the site in general (growth at an unbelievably exponential rate) isn't always good for making personal connections. This forum used to be a safe zone, but it soon turned into a place where people would make fun of others for sharing personal details about their life. As a result, this forum turned into a repository of sick internet pictures and websites. Thankfully, we're coming full circle and I appreciate Justin, Greg, and others who take this forum seriously for making that happen. Also, not that I'm advocating for more authority, but it helped that in the past we had moderators who nurtured a community and reprimanded people who tried to stir up shit.

The two rules I was raised on, and have never broke are men don't hit women( I have thought about shotting a couple though) and don't poach. Justin Clark sound like someone is pretty close to the poaching line, and poaching can get you killed. Also it is heard enough being in a relationship with just one other person, being in a relationship with two or more other people is just asking for trouble at some point.

That's why it's important to maintain a clear separation of which relationship is the primary, or important one. When conflict between the two arises, your decision should already be made.

I'm all up for these types of discussions, but nowadays people just get made fun of for having the temerity to share personal details with "strangers" on the internet.

There is always the possibility that the primary relationship will change when a couple is involved with several other individuals.

Are these outside dalliances emotionally-based relationships, or is there an agreed-upon "it's just physical" thing? Honestly curious - if your wife's been seeing another guy for 12 years, yet you maintain "veto" power, how successful can regulating these emotional connections be?

I can only speak for us, and obviously, it's not as easy as just saying "I promise", and it's never an issue again. It works for us because we have a very, very strong relationship, and we know that we can survive bumps along the way.

But yes, when you see someone else for any length of time, the idea that it would stay "just physical" is insane. There are inevitably going to be strong emotions at work, and yes, it has turned into an issue occasionally. And if there are cracks in a relationship, that's when they're going to widen.

When people ask me "What if you fall in love with someone else?", my response is "Why would that mean I'd have to not be in love with my wife anymore?". We've become so hardwired with the idea that you can only love one person at a time that people ask this question unironically. I love my dad, too, which is obviously something very different. But just because I'm having sex with a woman, it doesn't mean that my love for her is exactly the same as my love for my wife. Every relationship is unique. But the one with my wife is the one I value the most, so I simply don't allow anything else to endanger it. If a person weren't very sure that they felt that way about their spouse, then seeing other people might not be the best course of action. Unless exposing weaknesses in your relationship is something you want to do, I guess.

What if you started feeling an emotional connection that you could see growing to something akin to the strength of feeling you have for your wife Greg? Would you end that outside relationship before it got to that point?

It would depend on how threatened my wife felt about it. I don't have a problem with having equal strength of feeling for two women, as long as my wife doesn't. It happened once, and she did have some negative reactions to it, but she didn't ask me to end it. Eventually, the other woman started to get weird about it, like she was upset that I wasn't more obsessed with her, and she found some other married guy who'd play her game.

I'm a little embarrassed about that relationship, to be honest. I should have known that her lid wasn't screwed on too tight. Sadly, as a male, my ability to notice crazy is in inverse proportion to how shot she is. And she was pretty damn hot.

How do you broach the subject with potential new bed mates? Are they suspicious that you are just telling them you have an open relationship in order to cheat on your wife? Do these new women meet her and get clarification?

I'm not really the kind of guy who just goes out looking for someone to sleep with, so it's not generally an issue. Most of them have been women I already know. Two of them were friends of my wife, actually. They already knew the situation going in.

I can't believe no one was curious enough to ask Greg this...

What were your wedding vows like? I'm assuming they had to be, well, adjusted from the standard set.

I've always thought the logic that drives people to make fun of others for being too 'open' is fundamentally retarded. Being able to share personal details in an anonymous way is what makes the internet fucking awesome in the first place.

I mean, when do you ever have the freedom to open up and share your deepest darkest nastiest secrets with a bunch of strangers and have them share theirs back without either of you ever having to know each others names or see each others faces?

Free information sharing is helping us all realize that we're human and not alone and other people have the same embarassing problems and the same feelings, but I guess there are always going to be a few dickheads in any crowd who hate freedom and want to keep us all as formal and reserved online as we are at a job interview, fuck that.