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Chuck Noris wants to secede

post #1 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:05am
Thread Starter 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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post #2 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:33am
Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Either the Alzheimer's has started kicking in, or Chuckles is serious about fomenting rebellion.

He did an awful lot of George Washington quoting in that article. Either he's too simple to put things in his own words, or he's gearing up to be the Founding Father of Texas.

I'm pretty surprised he's able to talk, lately... you know, without Mike Huckabee's gizmo in his mouth.
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post #3 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:42am
I can see it now...Texas seceeds and becomes...Norrisville. Chuck Norris Facts become the law of the state formerly known as...Texas. Mike Huckabee leaves his show on...Fox, to become Gov, while Chuck takes over the martial arts training of the new militia of...Norrisville. Chuck Norris movies are the only films allowed in theaters.
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post #4 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:52am
I'm sure fleed would be in heaven.
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post #5 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:54am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
He did an awful lot of George Washington quoting in that article. Either he's too simple to put things in his own words, or he's gearing up to be the Founding Father of Texas.
A modern equivalent perhaps. Texas already has Founding Fathers. Sam Houston and Stephen F. Austin to name two.
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post #6 of 63
3/12/09 at 9:58am
Quote:
Originally Posted by HBarr View Post
A modern equivalent perhaps. Texas already has Founding Fathers. Sam Houston and Stephen F. Austin to name two.
Mea culpa...

I should have said "Founding Father of Texas, ver. 2.0"
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post #7 of 63
3/12/09 at 10:13am
Texas wants to leave? Good. Norris and Texas deserve each other.
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post #8 of 63
3/12/09 at 10:37am
Once he starts to run for, President of Texas anyone running against him would end up...Missing in Action?
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post #9 of 63
3/12/09 at 10:39am
Goddammit. Why do all of these fruit-loops wanna fuck up my state?
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post #10 of 63
3/12/09 at 10:48am
Thread Starter 
What amuses me most about US politics is that the people that proclaim their patriotism the most are the ones most likely to speak like that. I don't claim to be some great patriot but if someone was in a room saying stuff like that in front of me I'd either laugh them out or kick them out, depending on how serious they were.
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post #11 of 63
3/12/09 at 11:13am
We're going to be seeing a LOT more of this throughout the next four years. Five bucks says that white supremacy groups get more active and American nationalism takes a stronger hold across parts of the South.

It sucks, but there's a lot of angry white people out there.
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post #12 of 63
3/12/09 at 11:57am
I'm returning my copy of BLACK BELT PATRIOTISM today.
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post #13 of 63
3/12/09 at 11:59am
Quote:
Originally Posted by HBarr View Post
A modern equivalent perhaps. Texas already has Founding Fathers. Sam Houston and Stephen F. Austin to name two.
But you forgot about Roy El Paso.
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post #14 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:03pm
<white conservative barely gets elected president>

"I'm a patriot! I love America! This is the best country in the world! Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor!"

<black centrist overwhelmingly gets elected president>

"This country sucks! I hate it here! We're all gonna secede! We've got guns!"
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post #15 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:11pm
"We Surround Them"

"cell groups"

Awesome. For once I hope the FBI is tapping phones.
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post #16 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrianM View Post
"We Surround Them"

"cell groups"

Awesome. For once I hope the FBI is tapping phones.
He's a celebrity patriot! Everyone knows you have to be a nobody to be convicted of treason.
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post #17 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:27pm
Sounds like Chuck's been reading some Shadowrun.
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post #18 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:27pm
Paranoia, more likely.
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post #19 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:34pm
I used to see "Secede!" bumper stickers all over here in the late 80s, around the 150th anniversary of the founding of Texas.

I really wish we could transplant Austin to another state. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, we're an island of sanity and tolerance surrounded by an ocean of shit.
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post #20 of 63
3/12/09 at 12:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
I used to see "Secede!" bumper stickers all over here in the late 80s, around the 150th anniversary of the founding of Texas.

I really wish we could transplant Austin to another state. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, we're an island of sanity and tolerance surrounded by an ocean of shit.
It really is strange how the various areas of Texas are so different (N, S, E, W and Central). Completely different attitudes, beliefs, etc. Although Central and South Texas are aligned together more often times than not so I would add Houston (Harris County) to your island of sanity and tolerance.
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post #21 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by HBarr View Post
It really is strange how the various areas of Texas are so different (N, S, E, W and Central). Completely different attitudes, beliefs, etc. Although Central and South Texas are aligned together more often times than not so I would add Houston (Harris County) to your island of sanity and tolerance.
Yeah, Houston's pretty cool.

Unfortunately, I've discovered upon my latest trip back that Dallas still sucks, and deep East Texas isn't getting much better. How's Tyler these days, JGB?
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post #22 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:14pm
I remember hearing about this before, somewhat relevant:
http://www.snopes.com/history/american/texas.asp
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post #23 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:18pm
Wait a minute? Houston cool? Surely you jest (I say this as I've never been to Texas).

Well could be worse. Could be El Paso.
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post #24 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
How's Tyler these days, JGB?
Shitty. Austin and Houston (and a little bit of the artier districts of Dallas, but in all that city can fuck off too) aside - I'm torn between loving my state and hating the people in it. Especially when I read bullshit like that.
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post #25 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:29pm
Holy fuck. Southland Tales was prescient!

Sorta.

In a way.
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post #26 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:32pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apMyjOAacyA
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post #27 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post
Shitty. Austin and Houston (and a little bit of the artier districts of Dallas, but in all that city can fuck off too) aside - I'm torn between loving my state and hating the people in it. Especially when I read bullshit like that.
"If ever there was a Hell on Earth, it's Dallas County." - the exonerated, falsely accused dude in The Thin Blue Line.

I can't stand Dallas. And the northern extremes of Austin and its northern ex-urbs, like Cedar Park (where I lived for 7 intolerable years), are like a mini-Dallas: flat, soulless, conservative, religious, and corporate, with a stifling sense of conformity. Some long time Austinites have taken to calling the area "South Dallas."

Houston has gotten better, but it's still a stinky, humid, polluted, barely regulated mess. It's like Rapture just before its collapse.
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post #28 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:42pm
Once I got used to the heat, humidity, and Damnation Alley-sized cockroaches, I learned to love Houston. I lived there for 6 years in the early 80s, but I haven't been back since 1987 or so. How has it changed in the interim?
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post #29 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
flat, soulless, conservative, religious, and corporate, with a stifling sense of conformity. Some long time Austinites have taken to calling the area "South Dallas."

Houston has gotten better, but it's still a stinky, humid, polluted, barely regulated mess. It's like Rapture just before its collapse.
My friend, you might as well have been describing Tyler. It's EXACTLY like that. Longview used to be a really pretty, tolerable city, but it's trying too hard to be the new Tyler (since Tyler's trying too hard to be that mini-Dallas) lately and I'm growing to dislike it as well. But right in the middle is Kilgore. And I still adore Kilgore. I could see me living here for the rest of my life.
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post #30 of 63
3/12/09 at 1:53pm
Plus Kilgore is a badass name. It sounds like a death metal band.
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post #31 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
Plus Kilgore is a badass name. It sounds like a death metal band.
Also, if you go fishing there you could conceivably eat some Kilgore Trout. It's Vonne-good!

Booth, I lived in Houston for roughly 9 months in '81-82. Half of third grade, basically. How has Houston changed? It's the same, only MORE. It's enormous, surrounded by awful 'burbs, and has probably the most nightmarish traffic outside of LA. The city proper has actually improved quite a bit. I understand they have a pretty great art/theater scene now. And public transport in the city is good. And Houston's Chinatown has some of the best, most authentic chinese food you'll find outside of San Francisco.

It's better than Dallas or other parts of East Texas. But so is Midian.
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post #32 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:11pm
Eyeball Kid: I lived in Spring Branch from 1980-1983, and then CyFair from 1983-1986. I got more of the suburban life than the 'true' Houston life.

If I can ever talk my wife into moving out of MN, I'm gonna push for either Austin or San Antonio as options. I LOVE those cities.
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post #33 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:15pm
I went to San Antonio a few years back for some event Tom Savini was having and I remember being REALLY unimpressed with the whole city. I kept thinking "Really? THIS is San Antonio?" It seemed so poor and rundown. I may have just been in a bad part because we didn't do any sightseeing or exploring, so I could just have a skewed perception, but still.

And I gotta admit a little bit of stupid, nerdy civic pride when they name-dropped the Kilgore Oil Museum in the credits of There Will Be Blood.
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post #34 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:18pm
I spent 9 months in San Antonio going to school at Ft. Sam Houston. Other than trolling the Riverwalk for bars and drunk chicks, there really was not that much to do.

Which is why we drove to Austin every weekend.
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post #35 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:20pm
Right after Stevie Ray Vaughan died, KQRS (a local MN radio station) ran a contest to send a listener down to Austin to see where he came from. I won it, and I took my older brother down there for 5 days. We partied hard in both Austin and San Antonio and loved them both. Now, this was in the very early 90s (and I haven't been back since), but I remember both cities being VERY cool. Austin was definitely more of a college/party town, but San Antonio really had a great sense of history about it (having the Alamo right in the middle of downtown certainly helped in that regard).
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post #36 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:22pm
Please tell me someone left a plaque to commerate the spot where Ozzy took a whiz on the Alamo.
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post #37 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post
And I gotta admit a little bit of stupid, nerdy civic pride when they name-dropped the Kilgore Oil Museum in the credits of There Will Be Blood.
Haha, me too. I wonder if they still have that dumb "Elevator Into The Earth" ride with the puppet show.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
Right after Stevie Ray Vaughan died, KQRS (a local MN radio station) ran a contest to send a listener down to Austin to see where he came from. I won it, and I took my older brother down there for 5 days. We partied hard in both Austin and San Antonio and loved them both. Now, this was in the very early 90s (and I haven't been back since), but I remember both cities being VERY cool. Austin was definitely more of a college/party town, but San Antonio really had a great sense of history about it (having the Alamo right in the middle of downtown certainly helped in that regard).
Nice! Though SRV grew up in Dallas/Fort Worth. :P

Austin's still cool, but like JG said San Antonio's kinda fallen by the wayside.
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post #38 of 63
3/12/09 at 2:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
Haha, me too. I wonder if they still have that dumb "Elevator Into The Earth" ride with the puppet show.
Holy shit I'd forgotten all about that. I think me and the kiddo will go find out for ya this weekend. haha
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post #39 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Please tell me someone left a plaque to commerate the spot where Ozzy took a whiz on the Alamo.
My best friend and fellow Austinite has made it one of his life's ambitions to piss on the Stevie Ray Vaughan statue on the river in downtown Austin. I think he's only half joking, though he really, really hates SRV. Probably won't get a plaque for that either.

Austin in the early 90s was goddamn paradise. I can't imagine a better place to go to college than Austin in 1991-1996. I don't think I'll ever be as happy.

Shit, didn't mean to get that maudlin and depressingly nostalgic. It really was special, though.
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post #40 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:17pm
Living in Louisiana is funny, because everyone here is convinced that Texas is the Holy Land. You have no idea how many times you hear "If we can just make it to Texas..." or people excitedly saying "Well, my brother/sister/son/daughter is moving to Texas!" while everyone oohs and aahs.

On the one hand, I understand. It's our neighbor and it has a lot more money, more jobs, better infastructure, better schools, better roads....It's basically far, far better in every socio-economic respect.

On the other hand, a lot of people discover that if you're living a shitty life here you'll probably be living a shitty life there. Also, they have stricter regulations on fireworks and no casinos.
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post #41 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drew S. View Post
Living in Louisiana is funny, because everyone here is convinced that Texas is the Holy Land. You have no idea how many times you hear "If we can just make it to Texas..." or people excitedly saying "Well, my brother/sister/son/daughter is moving to Texas!" while everyone oohs and aahs.
Ouch. See, I loved Louisiana, but I only went there to visit a lot as a kid/teen. My perception of it now would probably be way less forgiving.
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post #42 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:34pm
I was coming back from Texarkana one afternoon and I ended up taking a wrong turn on 59 somewhere and didn't realize it. At one point it was like night and day - the road got worse, the whole atmosphere of where I was changed. Hell even the trees looked different. And I thought "Shit - am I in Louisiana?" And sure enough...

And it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm not - it was kinda eerie.
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post #43 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
I used to see "Secede!" bumper stickers all over here in the late 80s, around the 150th anniversary of the founding of Texas.

I really wish we could transplant Austin to another state. To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, we're an island of sanity and tolerance surrounded by an ocean of shit.
What about Luckenbach???
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post #44 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:42pm
Well... now all we can do is hope Chuck Norris dies soon so that we can just focus on his body of work without being forced to listen to all the stupid shit he has to say. I'll be glad when he's dead because just like Chuck Heston and John Wayne he'll be a lot easier to like when he's in the ground.
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post #45 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
Ouch. See, I loved Louisiana, but I only went there to visit a lot as a kid/teen. My perception of it now would probably be way less forgiving.
Well, there are things here that I wouldn't trade for the world. We have a unique culture that I just can't live without. So there are definite upsides. It's just there are lots of downsides as well. Part of it was a willingness to let politicians fuck us over at any given opportunity. Part of it was selling our souls to the oil companies only to have them reneg on all their promises and leave nothing but crushed dreams and Cancer Alley in their wake. We're a trodden down people at times....

Quote:
I was coming back from Texarkana one afternoon and I ended up taking a wrong turn on 59 somewhere and didn't realize it. At one point it was like night and day - the road got worse, the whole atmosphere of where I was changed. Hell even the trees looked different. And I thought "Shit - am I in Louisiana?" And sure enough...

And it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm not - it was kinda eerie.
and it shows.
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post #46 of 63
3/12/09 at 3:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
Houston has gotten better, but it's still a stinky, humid, polluted, barely regulated mess. It's like Rapture just before its collapse.
What? The art/theatre scene in Houston has been hopping for MANY years (going on decades) and has few rivals in the nation (NY and Chicago come to mind). Restaurants? Also one of the best cities in the nation. Traffic? I spent a good chunk of my life in Houston and the only people really complaining about Houston traffic are the people who can't read signs and/or take the time to learn about traffic patterns in the city you are visiting. I rarely ever had a problem with Houston traffic and went all over the city. Stinky? Don't get this comment. I suppose if you go to the east of Houston you might have this complaint but not in Houston proper. Humid? Well, you get that anytime you live next to a coast/body of water - Austin has it's fair share of humidity issues, and I don't really see that as a valid criticism of an area (anymore than complaining about snow when you live in Michigan). In conclusion, Houston good. Can we bash on Dallas more?
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post #47 of 63
3/12/09 at 4:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Face Man View Post
Well... now all we can do is hope Chuck Norris dies soon so that we can just focus on his body of work without being forced to listen to all the stupid shit he has to say. I'll be glad when he's dead because just like Chuck Heston and John Wayne he'll be a lot easier to like when he's in the ground.
You know he heard you, right?
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post #48 of 63
3/12/09 at 5:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post
I was coming back from Texarkana one afternoon and I ended up taking a wrong turn on 59 somewhere and didn't realize it. At one point it was like night and day - the road got worse, the whole atmosphere of where I was changed. Hell even the trees looked different. And I thought "Shit - am I in Louisiana?" And sure enough...

And it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm not - it was kinda eerie.
This goes double when you cross the Red and go into Oklahoma. For lack of a better descriptor, it's like a changing zones in WoW--you can almost see where Texas stops and the rest of the universe begins.
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post #49 of 63
3/12/09 at 6:17pm
Florida's like that too. I travel quite a bit but Florida always feels like Florida. I've only been to Austin when I was in Texas (which is like the coolest town ever, by the way) and that didn't even feel like Earth.
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post #50 of 63
3/12/09 at 6:28pm
Seccession wouldn't bother me. One of the great tragedies in this nation's history is still the founding of the Republic of Texas, annexation and the Mexican-American War. I say let's go ahead and reverse that mistake. Let Chuck take Texas-in five years, after a prolonged Civil War between various factions along class and racial lines, it'll be reabsored by Mexico and the rest of us will be laughing our asses off.
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