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Premeditated chimp attack.

post #1 of 33
3/12/09 at 10:42am
Thread Starter 
Un-fucking-believable. We may have a problem here people. He made a fucking arsenal?!?!?!!!!!! This should be a hyper detailed story. So many questions come to mind. Was there a difference in what projectiles he threw at who? Did he save the sharp pointy rocks for fatties or kids? Did he just throw his crap at people with stupid shirts? God I wanna know so much more. I hope a detailed study is done, though without planning ahead, so much info is lost.
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post #2 of 33
3/12/09 at 10:45am
That's it. I'm calling upon President Obama to immediately withdraw all troops from Iraq and deploy them to quell this chimp insurrection. It's only a matter of time before they join forces with the robots. And then it's all over.
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post #3 of 33
3/12/09 at 10:49am
I also call for the establishment of a House Committee on Un-Human Activities. You know, to ensure that persons denying the existence of robots are not, in fact, robots themselves.
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post #4 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:09am
"... our research showed the same in orangutans and bonobos so he is not alone."

It's time for camps.
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post #5 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:14am
Humanity is beset on all sides by enemies. Malevolent, violent primates, monsters from the depths of the ocean, antibiotic resistant viruses, autonomous robotic killing machines, they all plot against us. It is truly our darkest hour. We must look into our history and like our forefathers before us, panic, start rioting and run the Jews out of our towns.
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post #6 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:26am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
I also call for the establishment of a House Committee on Un-Human Activities. You know, to ensure that persons denying the existence of robots are not, in fact, robots themselves.
You seem all too eager to distance yourself from the robots.
...Oh. My. God. YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!
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post #7 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:40am
Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this chimp for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad monkey. Not like going down the jungle chasin' lemurs and marmots.

This chimp, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, Chief.

I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
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post #8 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post
I also call for the establishment of a House Committee on Un-Human Activities. You know, to ensure that persons denying the existence of robots are not, in fact, robots themselves.
I suspect a conspiracy with Liberty Mutual Insurance.
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post #9 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
But chimps don't have tails.

My god, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!!
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post #10 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:53am
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post #11 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:02pm
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post #12 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:05pm
It gets worse -
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sciencean...ive-years.html

I figure we're only 6 years away from all-out war with a Cybernetic Hostile Urban Destroying Monkey Invasion Liberation Force (fuck me, a CHUDMILF).
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post #13 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:07pm


"They may fling their poop at us. But they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!"
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post #14 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrianM View Post
It gets worse -
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sciencean...ive-years.html

I figure we're only 6 years away from all-out war with a Cybernetic Hostile Urban Destroying Monkey Invasion Liberation Force (fuck me, a CHUDMILF).
Or even worse, a group/groups of artificially created organic life enfused with the single minded destructive power that is a chimpanzee.

I won't live in that kind of world, fellas.
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post #15 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:12pm
World War C?

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post #16 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
I won't live in that kind of world, fellas.
If they have their way, you'll never get the chance.
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post #17 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattioli View Post
If they have their way, you'll never get the chance.
Agreed... but I'll put every round I have downrange, except for the one I keep for myself.
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post #18 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:42pm
Quote:
They ultimately decided to castrate him in the autumn last year, but will have to wait until the summer to see if that helps.
They cut off the frustrated chimp's balls for flinging badly-aimed rocks? Isn't that a tad excessive? That would only agitate me more.
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post #19 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:47pm
Where there is fire, there is smoke. And, in that smoke, from this day forward, those chimps will crouch and conspire, and plot, and plan, for the inevitable day of man’s downfall, the day, when he finally and self destructively turns his weapons upon his own kind, the day of the writing in the sky, when our cities lie buried under radioactive rubble, when the sea is a dead sea, and the land is a waste land, out of which one chimp shall lead his/her people from their captivity, and they shall build their own city, in which, there will be no place for humans, except to serve their ends, and they shall found their own armies, their own religion, their own dynasty, and that day, is upon us now!

Destiny, is the will of God. And, if it is Mans destiny that he be dominated, it is God’s will, that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding.. so, cast out your vengeance, today, in this thread, we have seen the birth, of the Planet of the Apes!!!

(somewhere, out there, Devin has a tear in his eye.)
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post #20 of 33
3/12/09 at 12:56pm
Aw, you had to use the tacked-on ending!
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post #21 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:00pm
I can't wait to see how the NY Post handles these news. I hope their cartoonists are working overtime.
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post #22 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
Aw, you had to use the tacked-on ending!
Studio made me do it, Bright Eyes.
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post #23 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
I can't wait to see how the NY Post handles these news. I hope their cartoonists are working overtime.
Let's see, the zoo visitors are "THE ECONOMY", and the rocks are "OBAMA'S TAX CUTS". But that doesn't mean the chimp is Obama.
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post #24 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:16pm
The day the chimps start storming the cities, I want that one guy looking out the window ala TORA! TORA! TORA! going:

"You want your confirmation?! THERE'S YOUR CONFIRMATION!"
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post #25 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:21pm
It's too bad that Chuck didn't live long enough to see his greatest cinematic achievement come true.

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post #26 of 33
3/12/09 at 1:25pm
I fear that in the future we will no longer spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us at this rate.
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post #27 of 33
3/12/09 at 2:24pm
Scientist #1: See that? The chimp actually learned to plan so he could punish humans for poking, prodding and staring at him...

Scientist #2: LOL, ur right! Lets study him some more!
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post #28 of 33
3/12/09 at 2:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this chimp for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad monkey. Not like going down the jungle chasin' lemurs and marmots.

This chimp, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, Chief.

I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.
* Golf Clap *
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post #29 of 33
3/12/09 at 3:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jakespeare View Post
I fear that in the future we will no longer spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us at this rate.
And the movie of the same name didn't teach me a goddamn thing. What false advertising.
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post #30 of 33
3/12/09 at 3:53pm
Those among us that are lucky will be forced to live in zoos, where we will be mocked and have candy thrown to us by ape children.

The unlucky ones...well, seeing a grown man beat to death with his own detatched arm isn't something you ever recover from.
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post #31 of 33
3/12/09 at 4:50pm
Not only that, but the apes will look at us awkardly when we're doing it with our significant others and jerking off in public.
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post #32 of 33
3/12/09 at 4:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Not only that, but the apes will look at us awkardly when we're doing it with our significant others and jerking off in public.
You know what they say:



"Human see, human do."
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post #33 of 33
3/12/09 at 11:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
Let's see, the zoo visitors are "THE ECONOMY", and the rocks are "OBAMA'S TAX CUTS". But that doesn't mean the chimp is Obama.
I have heard, however, the Democratic party referred to as "agitated" and "castrated" and "having poor aim".

... as well as "damn" and/or "dirty".

... in certain circles.

Not that I have any affiliations or political loyalties.
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