Relationship Anxiety: How To Deal

First, some history:

So I'm pretty young but I've had your usual first-timer high school love thing. That went bad. Then I had a high school thing which lasted 5 years, only to end about a year and a half ago. We still keep in touch.

I've also done a lot of dating and casual sex scenarios because I don't have a lot of trouble with women. Normally, I'm in a position where I get involved with a girl who thinks she can handle just being friends w/ benefits or whatever the case may be, but ends up developing feelings. After spending 6 months+ concentrating really hard on NOT being in a relationship, I got pretty good at suppressing any feelings from developing for the several girls I got involved with during the last year.

Anyway, eventually every girl I've been with on a more casual basis has ended up wanting more. Other times they try to convince me/themselves that they can handle it some more, but it always ends in tears.

Before Christmas, I started seriously dating one of the girls I'd had a casual sex relationship with for about 4 months prior. She was really into me and campaigned quite a bit to get me to stop being a scaredy cat and try to have a real relationship again. Unfortunately, she ended up being a jealous, clingy, and neurotic person and after a couple of months I had to call it quits because it just wasn't worth it to me.

A couple of weeks later, I started hanging out with and then fooling around with a girl I've known for several years but whom I'm periodically out of contact with for long stretches of time. Mostly because this girl and I have had feelings for each other for a long time (had a brief and ill-fated fling once when I was temporarily single) and that put a lot of strain on our friendship.

Anyway, we quickly decided we now had a shot to act on our feelings and started seriously dating. Maybe too seriously because we spend a shitload of time together and it isn't always a good thing to do that, even when you think you're in love.

The Current Situation:

In the last month, I've watched myself become the same kind of clingy, jealous, overly-analytical, neurotic mess that my most recent ex was. I have some deep feeling of "this is too good to be true" with my girlfriend, and this coupled with my baggage leads to some trust issues which really have no foundation. This causes me to act out, jumping on every little thing and picking fights. This alienates her and makes her feel like I don't trust her and am unhappy with her, etc. Then she gets upset and we fight.

Because we did a lot of fighting during a crappy couple of weeks where we were both sick and stuff, my anxieties reached a whole new level and I became convinced she was on the verge of breaking up with me. I realized I just needed to calm the fuck down, and I managed to get myself under control for a while.

Then, recently, the anxiety has come flooding back. My girlfriend went on the pill after a hiatus and apparently it has affected her sex drive. When we first got together she was a wildcat and this was awesome because I can be pretty libidinous. I was spoiled, basically, and expected this to continue. But through a combination of her hormones and probably just reaching a more comfortable place with the relationship (the end of the Honeymoon phase), her sex drive went down and I've been left feeling like there's been a change and no explanation. At first I felt like I must be doing something wrong or she must not be attracted to me or something stupidly insecure like that.

So we've been arguing about that a bit, lately. Mostly she ends up reassuring me that it's not the end of the world, it's just a girl/pill thing to not want sex all the time and I need to stop thinking it's about me. Just as I'm starting to come to terms with this, she gets a random joking text message from a guy friend about watching porn together. Feeling sensitive because we'd just finished a brief tiff and not fully made up, I activated her phone to hand it to her and hit the "ok" button too many times and was able to read the text, which I didn't think anything of because this is a girl who literally has nothing to hide and has demonstrated that consistently throughout the time I've known her.

For whatever reason, instead of thinking it through, I flew off the handle and jumped to the worst case scenario and basically accused her of cheating on me. I know, I know. What the fuck? She was not happy about this. She was really choked and after explaining, I calmed down, but she didn't and it's been a few days now and we haven't really seen each other and the situation seems to be getting worse.

Here's why:

At first, I pressed her to find out if she was considering breaking up with me over this. She assured me she wasn't. Then she was even a bit comforting the next morning, but that quickly became tense because I was sort of trying to establish that we would be okay, but she was still very upset and wanted to think about things and clear her head. I always want to settle things immediately, she is much better at divorcing herself from a volatile situation until she feels ready to handle it.

Anyway, a day passed and she called me and we started to talk but it quickly became me unloading all my thoughts/feelings and trying to find out where we stood. She brushed me off, saying she hadn't had time to think and stuff but I could tell she was even more upset than she had been immediately after my actions. I was at this point trying to convince her that it would be okay and really that she shouldn't break up with me, because of course this is what I was most afraid of. Needless to say, the conversation didn't end on happy terms; the more I talked the more frustrated she got.

Next day, her phone dies at work so I don't hear from her until she gets it running again. By this point, her communication to me has become very cold and businesslike, signs that she is really hoored off. When she calls, I again try to talk her down and find out where she's at so I know what to do. All I really want is reassurance that she's going to forgive me and so on. She tells me she needs space, more time to think, doesn't know if she can forgive me right away, and so on. But she does admit she misses me and when I tell her I love her, she says it back. I have a miserable night at work, obsessing about every little thing.

I get home at 4am, go to sleep at 7 after watching Predator, and get a wake up call from her at 10am. All she wants to do at this point, and all along, is reach out for some normalcy and say hello and see how I'm doing. I immediately start pulling out the speeches and trying to convince her that things will be okay. Her attitude seems to have degenerated even further and she's saying things like she doesn't know if we should be together, we fight too much, etc. I own all of this, but it clearly isn't working for her since I guess she already knows I take responsibility. Also, she makes it clear that she's feeling pretty insecure because she says there's got to be some core of me really feeling and thinking some of the things I later realize are stupid phantoms my anxious mind conjures up. With everything in me, I want to make her believe that this isn't the case. I do trust her, but I have baggage from previous experiences that causes my first reaction to things to not always be positive. And so on. This just makes things worse. She asks me if I'm going to come play cards with her and a few of her friends, a regular weekend thing for us, and says that this might establish some normalcy. I say this may not be a good idea because I want to be on more solid ground first so that there's no awkwardness. I suggest spending some one-on-one time together first to see where that goes. I realize right away that intimacy of any kind is not what she wants, so this is a mistake. The conversation degenerates with her sounding tired, sad, and withdrawn throughout. She wants to go so I start to let her go and I say "I love you" and she objects to me saying this because it confuses her. I'm not 100% on what she means, and try to ask, but she has had enough and so I'm forced to let it go.

I'm basically waiting for the axe to fall at this point. It will be my fault if it does, as my anxieties have become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the brink, I think I finally see things a lot more clearly and all I want now is a chance to prove it by altering the way I am handling her. The problem is I'm not sure she'll give me another chance, although my friends assure me she doesn't want to break up or she'd have done it already. I anxiously worry that the more she thinks about it, the more she's going to want to because... as mad as she is, everything is going to look pretty bleak. From some of the stuff she was saying, I know that she is already at the point where she's blowing things out of proportion and it's just feeding the fire. I do this a lot, too, and really it's been a severe problem for me in this relationship.

I'm sorry this is so long and personal and I hope someone is actually reading it. I wanted to get it all out and seek advice from people who maybe have some insight into situations like this. I think I know how to handle myself from here on, but I could really use some advice about dealing with my anxiety a little better. Knowing that my problem is unfounded anxiety and that the solution is to relax and let things go is one thing, but actually doing it is another. I've had very little success in getting from point A to point B on this and it's making my situation worse and worse.

So what do you guys think?

I've been trying my ass off to keep my cool. I didn't go play cards, friends cautiond me that it was a loss and I'd just have to take it. I really wanted to tell her I'd changed my mind, though, but avoided it. I texted her at some point that night and she was pretty aloof. Then I called her yesterday to see if I could stop by and say hi on my way to work. She was okay with that, so I went over there for like 15 minutes. She was withdrawn, but we talked for a bit and she seemed to ease up. Then I had to leave and I leaned in to kiss her on the cheek but she pulled away and made a face and said "don't". I asked her, "not ready?" and she nodded. I'm not sure what that's about.

It's been really tough. The uncertainty is what's really killing me here. When I know she's asleep cuz of work or whatever, it's a bit less. But I know she's up and about right now and I keep wondering whether today's going to be the day she calls to say she "has to talk to me". I keep trying to tell myself, and my friends keep trying to tell me, that she isn't going to break up with me unless I push her over the edge.

At the same time, I have no idea what is going on with her or where she's at and I don't want to ask her about it because that would be pushing. Torment.

I hear you. When I wrote that huge opener I basically knew, fundamentally, what my problem is and how to fix it. The trouble, like I say, is getting myself there.

The problem with what's happening right now, for me, is that I don't really know what she's going through or anything else about what's happening on her end. She could be preparing herself to break up, she could be missing me like crazy and just not sure what to do, etc. The thing is, she hasn't broken up with me yet but she's basically acting like she has. How can I show her anything has changed if she completely ignores me?

The sad part is that I'm starting to get angry at her for treating me this way. I can understand wanting space and stuff, but you have to let your significant other know what's going on. That's only fair, right? She started off with that sort of a feel to this, but the last few days (since the last time we got into the heavy stuff, actually), she's been so withdrawn so as to seem gone. Like she's already trying to wall me off and forget about me.

I'm basically a pretty impatient sort of guy, so even going one day without any contact at all is a hard pill to swallow. I'm at the point where I just want to take control back and force the issue one way or another. I know I won't feel this way if it happens, but right now it seems like breaking up would be better than what I'm going through right now. Obviously 90% of the people I'd talk to, including you guys, would counsel me to NOT do that. Thus, I probably won't. At least not yet.

So an update:

I texted back and forth with her a bit yesterday about a new job I just found out I got. She seemed to be more at ease than she has been the last few days. Then I called her and asked her to call me when she finished work, she was sort of like "what's going on?" but I played it cool and just told her to call me when she got home. She couldn't or wouldn't wait that long and called me while she was stuck in traffic. I asked her if she wanted to hang out for a bit, drama free, and just do something normal like watch TV. She took a while to answer, seemed unsure of herself, but finally agreed. She showed up very shortly thereafter but was obviously unhappy and trying to show it as hard as she could. She was absolutely morose every second she was here except when her landlord called, she was fine to him.

Eventually, we finished watching an episode of Supernatural. I'd been very lite and bantery the whole time but she was not receptive. She sat on her side of the couch, every bit of her body language displaying her unease. When I'd talk to her, she'd barely reply and would reply in such a way as for me to know she was uncomfortable.

Instead of freaking out and asking the obvious questions, like: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN COME HERE FOR IF THIS IS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO ACT!? I kept my cool, though. It was not easy.

After the show, I asked her if she wanted to keep hanging out. She said she was hungry and I told her we could go eat if she wanted. She went quiet and didn't say anything, almost like she wanted me to decide but I wasn't going to make it easy for her or give her a chance to tell me no. She finally said she was just going to go home and I said okay, but could we hang out again sometime soon. She said "no". At this point, I was sure she was going to break up with me, but instead when I asked "well why not?" she said "I don't know, I'm just really not happy with you right now". Then we began to talk about things in earnest.

She maintains that the issue is that she feels I don't trust her and could not have acted the way I did if I did. I should have reminded her of all the shit I've told her that I've never told anyone else (obvious evidence of trust) but instead I tried to demonstrate that I trusted her by pointing to my conduct during our separation. I argued with her, yes, I tried to keep in touch, yes... but I wasn't keeping tabs or giving in to jealousy or anything like that.

She would not accept this. I tried once again to explain my side of things in regard to why I reacted the way I did and she would not accept that either. She got up to leave and I followed her to the door, asking her if I could walk her to her car. She shook her head, and I said to her "I don't understand what is going on, if you're going to break up with me over this... just do it!" but she looked sad and said, walking out my door, "don't say that to me, it's not that simple". I tried to follow but let her go as she left the apartment building. I was basically at a loss because I knew any moment I was going to start flipping out and I decided it would be better to just let it go.

Now I'm not sure what to do.

I appreciate the advice and I'm thick-skinned enough not to be hurt by the less kind words used to describe me. It's not any worse than anything my friends have been saying throughout this mess.

I was much more OMG CLINGY when this all first started. It's been a week now and I'm feeling more angry and hurt than anything.

Yeah, I am describing my feelings to you guys but I'm not necessarily acting on all of them, much less telling her how I feel. This thread is obviously primarily a sounding board for me to express my tempestuous emotions. It also affords me the opportunity to be checked by people who are clearly unbiased.

It doesn't matter now. She broke up with me via email and was pretty fucking aloof about even that.

I'm 22. Way too young for this shit in one sense, but also just the right age.

I'll be all right. It just sucks that I pretty much have to accept that this is all my fault. I don't like feeling like I fucked something up that I wanted so bad. It's also hard to take this when it seems to indicate less feeling on her part than I would have believed.

I had my initial ugly freak out, but I think I'm going to try and keep some kind of relationship going with her. I still want her in my life. I'm not sure if she'll see it that way, she says she's acted the way she has because she just didn't want to fight everytime we see each other/talk and that she broke up with me via email because she can't get a word in any other way. Which isn't really true, but it becomes true during a fight.

Anyway, thanks for the support and the advice. I wish that I had learned my lesson at the right time.

Man, I don't ever want to get married. When I get into a relationship I try not to think about the future too much. I try to just let things take whatever shape they're going to.

i wish i was my brother!

I know I sound like some teenage idiot. Believe me, I know. I don't want validation for the way I've acted at all. I'm long past being like "oh this is just what it's like to be in love". I knew better than that when I was 16 and 17, even.

I don't know why I got like this. I really don't. But I miss her and I can't get her out of my head. The idea of having sex with someone else, like serious consideration, makes me want to throw up.

It's weird because I would never have thought of myself as being capable of going this ballistic. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

Even thinking about that movie fucks me up. Haha.

My last major relationship, major because of how I felt and the extent to which I was committed as opposed to how much time was spent together, was 5 years. We broke up a year and a half ago and she moved back to our hometown.

I think it's clear that I still have baggage, though that breakup was far more mutual. She left me with a lot of trust issues and too used to being in a position of power over her, which really bites me in the ass with girls like the one I've been talking about. She's much more self-reliant and domineering in her own way than anyone I've ever been with. I saw it as a challenge at first, but I guess something about that different dynamic put me ill at ease.

I don't even want to know what Devin would have to say about all this.