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Amish Christian Vampire fiction

post #1 of 34
7/15/09 at 9:50pm
Thread Starter 
Looks like Christians are turning to Amish and Christian Vampire Stories to sell books now.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090715/...istian_fiction

Quote:
Mindy Starns Clark, an author of gothic mysteries scrubbed clean of foul language and premarital sex for a Christian audience, set her latest novel, "Shadows of Lancaster County," in Amish country.

"It's got a buggy on the cover," said Clark, who emphasized that she picked the setting before Amish books became a Christian publishing sensation. "But it's also got genetic engineering. It's definitely not your grandmother's Amish novel."
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post #2 of 34
7/15/09 at 10:02pm
My Grandmothers Amish novels did have genetic engineering in them, so.....
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post #3 of 34
7/15/09 at 10:08pm
That's fucking awesome.
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post #4 of 34
7/16/09 at 2:13am
If this book doesn't feature a scene where one of the vampires is impaled on a butter churn, then why did they bother?
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post #5 of 34
7/16/09 at 6:35am
"Ok vampire clan, which community should we plunder next next?"

"How about the only one left who still builds all their shit out of wood, and has an abundance of crosses?"

"Since fucking up plans seems to be your specialty, I say lets do it!"
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post #6 of 34
7/16/09 at 6:48am
If you think this is good, then wait 'till you read the book I'm finishing writing right now. It's called Claws On The Watchtower. It's set in 2013 when werewolves have eradicated all of mankind except for 144.000 Jehova's Witnesses. It deals with them trying to cope with the fact that they don't have any more people to annoy. But contrary to the current trend in teen-friendly horror literature they do it through massive orgies.
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post #7 of 34
7/16/09 at 9:49am
Oooohhh, that sounds good.
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post #8 of 34
7/16/09 at 2:46pm
Yer [deleted] right it's got a buggy on the cover.

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post #9 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
If you think this is good, then wait 'till you read the book I'm finishing writing right now. It's called Claws On The Watchtower. It's set in 2013 when werewolves have eradicated all of mankind except for 144.000 Jehova's Witnesses. It deals with them trying to cope with the fact that they don't have any more people to annoy. But contrary to the current trend in teen-friendly horror literature they do it through massive orgies.
How the fuck did you manage to go through that? Was it on sale in the comedy section of your library?

Please tell me your joking. Please.
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post #10 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:20pm
Don't tell him you're joking.
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post #11 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BTSMGL View Post
Don't tell him you're joking.
If you knew what's out there, you'd know that what Stelios described most likely exist, and is sold.

And anyway, that synopsis sounds better than your typical Stephen King book.
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post #12 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:28pm
No it doesn't.
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post #13 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:45pm
Yes it is. Ans so are these Amish Christian Vampire stories.
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post #14 of 34
7/16/09 at 3:58pm
Thank you so very fucking much...

Now I have images of Amish people having sex.

"Mount me plainly, Olaf!"

Jesus, I buy produce from these people on weekends! Now I won't stop laughing...

assholes!
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post #15 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:19pm
If the vampire's hallowed grounds are in Dutch Wonderland, this could possibly be the greatest book ever written.
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post #16 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:21pm
If you consider Christians as a large demographic willing to pay for entertainment focused on or around their particular beliefs, it makes absolute sense to write stuff for them. Granted, the vampire book sounds like it's probably crap, but Christians (and other religious demographics) focus on hell, damnation, temptation, and other horror tropes all the time; why not cater to that and make some money? It need not be craptacular, as The Exorcist clearly indicates.
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post #17 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:28pm
Have a vampire that wants to escape from the Godless vampire lifestyle that his gang supports hide out in an Amish community. They help him out, bringing him the word of God while they try and heal him. Just as they heal him (praise Jesus!), the rest of the vampires show up.

'Near Dark' meets 'Witness'. Seriously, how can you lose?
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post #18 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
'Near Dark' meets 'Witness'. Seriously, how can you lose?
As long as the vampire in question does not "sparkle", then you can't!
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post #19 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
Have a vampire that wants to escape from the Godless vampire lifestyle that his gang supports hide out in an Amish community. They help him out, bringing him the word of God while they try and heal him. Just as they heal him (praise Jesus!), the rest of the vampires show up.

'Near Dark' meets 'Witness'. Seriously, how can you lose?
Kirk Cameron in the lead. Money in the bank.
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post #20 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
Thank you so very fucking much...

Now I have images of Amish people having sex.

"Mount me plainly, Olaf!"

Jesus, I buy produce from these people on weekends! Now I won't stop laughing...

assholes!
"Oh, oh, ohhhh, Jebediah! Give it to me you Abe Lincoln-lookin' motherfucker! Oh, ohhh, molasses! Give it to me buggy style!!"

* quote from Dave Attell's CD
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post #21 of 34
7/16/09 at 4:53pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BTSMGL View Post
"Oh, oh, ohhhh, Jebediah! Give it to me you Abe Lincoln-lookin' motherfucker! Oh, ohhh, molasses! Give it to me buggy style!!"

* quote from Dave Attell's CD
Great...

Now I really can't buy produce from them for a while...
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post #22 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:16pm
Well so much for that Amish Christian Vampire script of mine. It had butterchurn impalement and everything.
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post #23 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith F View Post
Kirk Cameron in the lead. Money in the bank.
Two sentence fragments that haven't been in such close proximity since 1986.
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post #24 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:41pm
All I know is that Christian firefighter movie he made, that those people distribute themselves, stayed in the theater forever, and church groups flock to that shit.

Money in the bank.
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post #25 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:43pm
I promise you that the Amish will not be flocking to any movie. Kirk Cameron or no Kirk Cameron.
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post #26 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:45pm
I see your point, English.

Christians will, though.

God, suddenly I want to see an Amish movie.
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post #27 of 34
7/16/09 at 5:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keith F View Post
I see your point, English.

Christians will, though.

God, suddenly I want to see an Amish movie.
I'd be curious how they'd develop the film. Or, shoot digitally.
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post #28 of 34
7/16/09 at 6:17pm
Maybe they'd have the hellion Rumspringa kids do it.
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post #29 of 34
7/16/09 at 6:18pm
That's kind of what I'm saying. Or, just the idea of what an Amish film would be about.

I know it's stupid, but I'm an idiot. Goes hand in hand.
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post #30 of 34
7/16/09 at 6:19pm
If ever there existed grounds for a good ole fashioned Amish shunning, I bet it's being undead.
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post #31 of 34
7/16/09 at 7:08pm
Thread Starter 
Considering on how Kelly McGillis looks now, I'd bet there are real vampires stalking anyone that acts in an Amish movie.
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post #32 of 34
7/16/09 at 8:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattioli View Post
Maybe they'd have the hellion Rumspringa kids do it.
Rumspringa would make for an interesting slasher flick. Olde-school Amish psycho massacres those kids who partake of sex, drugs and general debauchery, survivor girl is the good little Christian babe who steered clear of devlish temptation. I think it could work!

There was an alleged Amish (or formerly Amish) serial killer - Eli Stutzman. He was convicted of murdering a man in Texas, and suspected of the murders of his wife, his nine-year-old son, and two men in Colorado.
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post #33 of 34
7/17/09 at 11:14pm

Wes Craven's Amish Horror classic

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082245/

Nothing says Amish Horror like Ernest Borgnine and his evil beard....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jppQewuBdlQ
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post #34 of 34
7/20/09 at 12:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Vivisector View Post
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082245/

Nothing says Amish Horror like Ernest Borgnine and his evil beard....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jppQewuBdlQ
I need to see that YESTERDAY!
Percy Rodriguez trailer narration always has that effect on me. I'm unable to resist.
Michael "Mutie" Berryman!
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