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Dumb Things You Used to Believe About Sex

post #1 of 57
7/18/09 at 2:13pm
Thread Starter 
This forum's been kind of dead lately, and a spirited discussion I had w/ some co-workers last night over a few beers got me to thinking this might be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

What started this train of thought was one of my coworkers, responding to the news I'm home alone this week because my wife took the kid to her mother's in South Carolina, asking how often I've been "tossing my salad" since they're gone. All at the bar gave him a puzzled look; I said "Uhhh. . . I think you're misusing that term." Another commented the only ones who could toss their own salads might be the acrobats from Cirque de Soleil, which brought much laughter. Eventually we let the mistaken co-worker know what this REALLY meant (he thought it meant to jack off).

So I thought it'd be amusing to hear what some of the misconceptions we had about sex were growing up. I know I used to think that conception was only possible if a woman had an orgasm during sex. I can't recall the time frame of that particular belief. There was another better one I was going to post as well, but I forgot it since last night. I'm sure it'll come to me.

Anyone else want to get snickered at?
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post #2 of 57
7/18/09 at 2:24pm
When I was younger, I used to think the act of sex simply involved two people's bellies touching and somehow transferring stuff through their belly buttons.
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post #3 of 57
7/18/09 at 2:47pm
That getting it up was easy.
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post #4 of 57
7/18/09 at 2:58pm
My mother was a nurse so I got "the talk" early and I thought I understood the mechanics. Device A inserts into slot B etc..., I was shocked to actually see my first porno though. "Why does he keep going in and out like that?" I really thought it was insert, release, and retract.
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post #5 of 57
7/18/09 at 3:12pm
I thought that a woman's vagina was in the front like near her belly button.

Also, the first couple of times I watched the opening scene of TRUE ROMANCE, featuring Sam Jackson going on and on about eating pussy, I was under the impression the conversation had something to do with his character being so poor that he was forced to eat stray cats.
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post #6 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:03pm
I thought peeing in a girl got her pregnant. Not really that far off.
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post #7 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:31pm
That anal sex was always going to be fun. A few instances of having to wash shit off of my dick and hands has proven otherwise. Also, that videotaping myself fucking would be awesome. It wasn't, I got too self-conscious and found it difficult to maintain an erection before deciding to put the camera away.
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post #8 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hundred View Post
I thought peeing in a girl got her pregnant. Not really that far off.
Along similar lines, I mistook my first building orgasm for the sudden need to take a piss and stopped.
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post #9 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:42pm
when i was a little kid, i thought women began lactating once they hit puberty.
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post #10 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:45pm
I used to think the whole "sex is like pizza, even when it's pretty bad, it's still pretty good" thing was true. It's not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny View Post
That anal sex was always going to be fun. A few instances of having to wash shit off of my dick and hands has proven otherwise.
How often does anal sex go bad like that? I've only done it twice(same girl both times), but it was a-ok.
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post #11 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-7 View Post
How often does anal sex go bad like that? I've only done it twice(same girl both times), but it was a-ok.

Four times for me. Also, just to clarify, I'm not talking about someone actually defecating on me, just excess feces in the rectum. A few months ago, I left a girl's apartment after haphazardly leaving a shit covered condom on her nightstand, I'm sure she appreciated that the next morning. Also, after I left at two-something in the morning, I went to Whataburger w/ the smell still in my residual memory. Yummy.
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post #12 of 57
7/18/09 at 5:53pm
I learned the basic mechanics of how sex worked when I was pretty young, around maybe 6 or 7, but the way an erection was explained to me I thought they meant that the penis would become hard as a rock and would stick out at a 90 degree angle and be unmovable.

I used to play with my Barbie and Ken trying to figure out how sex could work in such a weird awkward way. Boy, was I relieved when I got older and realized the penis could move!
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post #13 of 57
7/18/09 at 6:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SneakyPete View Post
when i was a little kid, i thought women began lactating once they hit puberty.
Yeah, same here. Matter of fact a whole bunch of my male classmates thought the same. Think I also believed you only had a certain amount of orgasms with in ya, then you'd be sterile or your dick would explode, or something. Yeah, my stupidity knew no bounds.

I was in the same boat as McIrish - my mom used to be a nurse, and she and my dad set us hip to stuff relatively early.

ETA: Werewolf Girl, your Barbie and Ken adventures weren't anything like this, were they?
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post #14 of 57
7/18/09 at 7:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by McIrish View Post
I was shocked to actually see my first porno though. "Why does he keep going in and out like that?" I really thought it was insert, release, and retract.
For many men it's EXACTLY that...erm...so I hear.
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post #15 of 57
7/18/09 at 7:57pm
That I could get it up without blood being involved. Of course we all know now that that's impossible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Humanoid View Post
Also, the first couple of times I watched the opening scene of TRUE ROMANCE, featuring Sam Jackson going on and on about eating pussy, I was under the impression the conversation had something to do with his character being so poor that he was forced to eat stray cats.
HA!

Actually, I did think that a woman got pregnant when a man's testicle exited through his penis... that you "laid an egg" in her. And could only do it twice obviously. Society would probably be better off if that was true.
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post #16 of 57
7/18/09 at 8:07pm
No joke -- there was a kid in elementary school who told me that "eating a girl out" involved having to rip out her pubic hair with your teeth so it was clean down there. I shudder to think what's become of him.
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post #17 of 57
7/18/09 at 8:20pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
No joke -- there was a kid in elementary school who told me that "eating a girl out" involved having to rip out her pubic hair with your teeth so it was clean down there. I shudder to think what's become of him.
I would empty my bank account to get a play-by-play of his first shot at going down on a chick and the subsequent savaging he received...
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post #18 of 57
7/18/09 at 9:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
No joke -- there was a kid in elementary school who told me that "eating a girl out" involved having to rip out her pubic hair with your teeth so it was clean down there. I shudder to think what's become of him.
And that boy grew up to be Ted Bundy. Now you know the rest of the story.
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post #19 of 57
7/21/09 at 12:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Humanoid View Post
I thought that a woman's vagina was in the front like near her belly button.
Yeah, something similar to this, I thought it was in the front. It was quite embarrassing when I was shown the truth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny View Post
Also, that videotaping myself fucking would be awesome. It wasn't, I got too self-conscious and found it difficult to maintain an erection before deciding to put the camera away.
When it comes to this, I listen to the sage words of Sam Kinison. He said that he thought he would be magnificent on tape. Then he equated watching it to watching a polar bear with a cold.
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post #20 of 57
7/21/09 at 1:39pm
That it had anything to do with love.
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post #21 of 57
7/21/09 at 3:50pm
I thought that women had three holes, two vagina(vaginii?) and one anus. This, in my mind, accounted for missionary, doggy style and anal intercourse. The two vagina in my minds eye were very close together and the forward one for missionary sex was at a slight angle to allow for that position.

This belief was held at least until the sixth grade when a lovely young lady of mocha complexion named Candy sat next to me in Latin class. One night on the phone we were being dirty children and I asked her to insert some phallic vegetable into "all her holes." She naturally refused in a nice enough tone, she wasn't upset by the request, but somewhere soon after I learned that there were indeed only two.
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post #22 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by IggytheBorg View Post
Eventually we let the mistaken co-worker know what this REALLY meant (he thought it meant to jack off).
Yeah, he meant "tossing off".

Gary: I NEVER TOSSED OFF TO ANYTHING!
Gary's Mom: YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE COMBING YOUR HAIR!


When I a wee lad, I saw my sister in the bathtub and thought she had 2 butts. One in the front and one in the back.
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post #23 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:17pm
Cannot be done in an Armchair. Who knew?
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post #24 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:18pm
I once thought masturbation made you deaf.
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post #25 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcnooj82 View Post
I once thought masturbation made you deaf.
What?

sorry
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post #26 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:35pm
I thought a Blowjob had actually something to do with blowing air, similar to blowing air into a balloon.
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post #27 of 57
7/21/09 at 6:37pm
I learned everything I needed to know about sex from watching Elizabeth Pena dance/straddle with a demon in my dad's Jacob's Ladder VHS.
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post #28 of 57
7/21/09 at 8:28pm
I used to think that a vagina was sort of open all the time. Like not a slit, exactly, but a genuine hole that you could stick a finger or two in and not touch any sides. The first time I saw vaginas in a porn mag (it was a mag that just featured close up pictures of vaginas called Lips, I think) I found under my dad's bed I was highly confused as to how a dick would EVER get in there. Later, when I saw my first porno I remember being seriously amazed at the logistics of the act.
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post #29 of 57
7/21/09 at 8:57pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Khaunshar View Post
I thought a Blowjob had actually something to do with blowing air, similar to blowing air into a balloon.
When I was getting my first as a teen, the girl I was with thought the same thing. Didn't know whether to laugh or not.
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post #30 of 57
7/21/09 at 8:57pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatatjoes View Post
What?

sorry
I can't tell you how mad I am that I didn't get to do this joke 1st.
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post #31 of 57
7/21/09 at 10:38pm
girls don't like it rough...


silly me
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post #32 of 57
7/21/09 at 10:59pm
the female orgasm...


I kid I kid...
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post #33 of 57
7/21/09 at 11:39pm
Not exactly sexual, unless golden showers are your thing, but I honestly had no fucking idea how women took a piss till I was about 17.
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post #34 of 57
7/21/09 at 11:50pm
After my first ever orgasm a mixture of my first ever case of post-orgasmic depression and my dick being sore and sensitive caused me to honestly believe I'd broken it.

ETA: I also assumed after my first case of blue balls that I'd broken something as well.
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post #35 of 57
7/22/09 at 10:33am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rando View Post
Cannot be done in an Armchair. Who knew?
Clearly you chose the wrong armchair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave Jarvie
girls don't like it rough...
Clearly you chose the wrong girl.
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post #36 of 57
7/22/09 at 2:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belethedheliel View Post
Clearly you chose the wrong armchair.

Clearly you chose the wrong girl.
I kind of agree with the first, totally agree with the second.
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post #37 of 57
7/22/09 at 2:58pm
I think he means he used to think girls didn't like it rough.
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post #38 of 57
7/22/09 at 4:53pm
yea, found a girl who fixed that one right quick.....

i mean damn, i accidently gave her a black eye and she wants more?? *brain = broken*
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post #39 of 57
7/22/09 at 11:30pm
Yeah those goods have to be pretty damaged on the inside to want to be that damaged on the out Dave.

I was with a girl into that a long time ago as well, but she wanted to give me nipple bites and bruises and the likes. Sorry but it wasn't a turn on, it just fuckin hurt. It was at that point I realised I'd never be a part of that particular scene.

Not judging anyone that is, just not my bag baby.
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post #40 of 57
7/23/09 at 10:49am
Growing up with fairly strict Christian parents, I thought that you couldn't do it outside of marriage. Not that you shouldn't but that it was actually physically impossible. Other than that I don't remember being particularly confused - although I couldn't figure out how lesbians would have sex for years, as no one had bothered to teach the curious 8 year old about oral sex or any of the other non-penetrative good stuff (odd, that). Oh, and I thought only boys could masturbate until I was about 12.

My mum had some of the best dumb ideas though. Her mother told her that you had to go to the doctor if you wanted a baby - so when she heard about sex she thought you did it standing awkwardly behind a screen in the doctor's office as he read out instructions on what to do next. She also thought that you only had sex when you wanted a baby right up until she was about 17.
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post #41 of 57
7/23/09 at 12:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Humanoid View Post
I think he means he used to think girls didn't like it rough.
Either side of the coin, it's still about which partner you choose. Some do, some don't. It's like any other act/position/preference.
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post #42 of 57
7/25/09 at 4:05am
In my early teens, I thought every woman's vagina stunk. Like fucking reeked. It was just something you had to put up with to get laid. You hear all the "tuna" jokes, some dude goes down on one girl that doesn't practice good hygene, next thing you're scared shitless of a girl taking her panties off.
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post #43 of 57
7/25/09 at 4:23am
That knowing theoretically about sex would automatically make you good. And that sex would be infinitely better with a virgin. Damn, what a disaster both turned out to be.
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post #44 of 57
7/25/09 at 4:26am
I too used to think people ONLY had sex to procreate. I vividly remember talking to a friend of mine in grade school who had two sisters and I asked him, quite astoundedly, "Your parents did it THREE TIMES!?"
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post #45 of 57
7/25/09 at 4:39am
I bet you guys wish you had wikipedia.
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post #46 of 57
7/25/09 at 11:10am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
And that sex would be infinitely better with a virgin.
I never understood the attraction to this. By the time I learned about this stereotype, most of my misconceptions were gone (I think), and I just couldn't imagine fumbling through someone else's first time being at all enjoyable. I imagine my partner at the time felt that way about mine, for sure.

For a. . . very little while, anyway. . . .
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post #47 of 57
7/26/09 at 5:37am
The first time I ejaculated -- I thought my dick was broken and panicked.
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post #48 of 57
8/1/09 at 3:44pm
Personal confession...I...never masterbated. Like for 20 years. It was a number of things, whenever I had the time, I didn't have the privacy...whenever I was in the mood, I didn't have the time...whenever I had the time and the privacy, I wasn't in the mood...plus I just...I didn't know how. I mean yeah its obvious, but I didn't know you had to..the specifics of it. Its weird.

Then I had sex.

20 years of built up blue balls. KA BOOM.
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post #49 of 57
8/1/09 at 10:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
Personal confession...I...never masterbated. Like for 20 years. It was a number of things, whenever I had the time, I didn't have the privacy...whenever I was in the mood, I didn't have the time...whenever I had the time and the privacy, I wasn't in the mood...plus I just...I didn't know how. I mean yeah its obvious, but I didn't know you had to..the specifics of it. Its weird.

Then I had sex.

20 years of built up blue balls. KA BOOM.
Not fucking with you or anything, but you never saw a porno film? The mechanics of masturbation are pretty basic, as you said, and one way to figure that shit out w/ minimal effort is if you'd seen a skin flick once or twice. I guess I just have a hard time seeing how that never happened in 20 years. Unless of course, your Amish, in that case, what the fuck are you doing on the internet?
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post #50 of 57
8/2/09 at 12:09pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
Personal confession...I...never masterbated. Like for 20 years. It was a number of things, whenever I had the time, I didn't have the privacy...whenever I was in the mood, I didn't have the time...whenever I had the time and the privacy, I wasn't in the mood...plus I just...I didn't know how. I mean yeah its obvious, but I didn't know you had to..the specifics of it. Its weird.

Then I had sex.

20 years of built up blue balls. KA BOOM.
I had a friend in law school who was a devout Catholic, & wasn't shy about sharing w/ us, his friends, that he was a virgin, & didn't believe in pre-marital sex. When he got married a few years after we graduated, we were all sitting at the "law school buddies" table at the reception, cracking jokes about what the bride was in for later that night. KA-BOOM, indeed!
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