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YOU: A tale of_____ starring_____, directed by_____

post #1 of 66
8/10/09 at 1:59pm
Thread Starter 
Since I'm easily distracted from work I should be doing, I thought it might be interesting to know how some of you might answer this.

A film is made about your life. What is the main plot point?

Who stars as you? Why?

Who directs it? Why?

Note... anyone who is not a 40 foot tall robot, and has Michael Bay direct the story of their life will be taken out back, and killed slowly with a fucking chair.
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post #2 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:04pm
I always enjoy these kind of threads. If I could have anyone play me, I'd go with Sam Rockwell. If of age, Joseph Gordon Levitt. Mainly because they're cerebal guys whose vibe I can relate to.

As for plot? Perhaps the struggle of dealing with everyday life while trying to break into some kind of peace? This is a difficult one. I'll get back to you on that.

In terms of director, I'd love the cool sleekness of Michael Mann because of the way LA is shot and I'd want omnipresent sythnmusic. Or perhaps Edgar Wright for boundless energy and warmth.
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post #3 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:08pm
My movie would probably be a love story/romantic comedy called 'My Big Fat Lutheran Wedding'. I literally married into the stereotypical 'Oh YAAAAAAh, Yoo Betcha!' family, and it's been an experience.

They'd probably cast Hugh Grant to play me and have him grow a goatee. I've had way too many people tell me that I look like him.

It would probably be directed by Garry Marshall.
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post #4 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:09pm
I would have gone with Coen Brothers myself.
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post #5 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:12pm
Yeah, but the Coens would make me put my wife into a wood chipper. Not happening.
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post #6 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:13pm
I see. Well I need to get back to work on my plot idea. It's difficult to envision a tightly wound Mann film consisting of a bill payer trying to get laid and be in a relationship.
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post #7 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
I see. Well I need to get back to work on my plot idea. It's difficult to envision a tightly wound Mann film consisting of a bill payer trying to get laid and be in a relationship.
You just got back from Vegas, though. Maybe you have the mob after you now.
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post #8 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:17pm
Possibly, perhaps I crossed someone at the buffet line. And I do live by my codes. Ready to cut ties when necessary. I think I can run with this.
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post #9 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:18pm
For the plot, picture High Fidelity with comic/gamer geeks instead of music fanatics.
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post #10 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:20pm
I think only a young Gerard Depardieu could capture my full magnificence. Regretfully though, he would have to be directed by Ken Loach.
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post #11 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
I think only a young Gerard Depardieu could capture my full magnificence. Regretfully though, it would have to be directed by Ken Loach.
Bullshit...we'd dig up and reanimate Steve Reeves to portray you in your true Herculean magnificence.
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post #12 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:23pm
Phil, A Short Film.

Probably starring this guy, if he's not too busy starring in The Legend of Dragon Ma:



I'll direct it my goddamn self.
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post #13 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:23pm
Thread Starter 
Well... my life would be a densely-woven film containing 80% character exposition and 20% balls to the wall action with a smattering of sex. Think a hard PG-13 rating.

For actors? Those who know me, know my choice of lead. Michael Rooker would run a distant second, though.

As for the director? Tough choice... but I'll go with Steven Soderburgh.
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post #14 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:24pm
I assume Dickson would be played by Jeff Daniels.
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post #15 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:25pm
Hmmm...I was going to take the Coens, but I think someone like McG or Brett Ratner would be more believable. Plus, we'd have to bring the John Lithgow from about 20 years ago into the present to play me. The plot would be something along the lines of a man-child being forced to grow up or something pathetic like that.
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post #16 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:27pm
The Tao of Humanoid starring Seth Green.

It'd be directed by Gus Van Sant, since so much of it is as slow and boring as Gerry.
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post #17 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
I assume Dickson would be played by Jeff Daniels.
My first thought was John Scurti, but Daniels sure works.
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post #18 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:28pm
It's called "Casey: Portrait of a Husky Man". It would star whatever overweight actor is popular at the time. Let's say Jonah Hill. It would potray my struggle to find meaning in life, and also my struggle to not tell dead baby jokes to children and the infirm. The first half of the film is a melancholy character piece. The second half is a blood soaked orgy as I discover the ability to make douchebags spontaneously combust, thus giving my life meaning. Directed by Rob Reiner and Takashi Miike.
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post #19 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:31pm
I figure the title of my film would be called "Clocking". Or if it was more of a comedy it would be called "Not getting any: The Ed Hocken Story."
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post #20 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
I figure the title of my film would be called "Clocking". Or if it was more of a comedy it would be called "Not getting any: The Ed Hocken Story."
Stay away from any L.A. Fitness locations, Ed.
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post #21 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:44pm
Ha, I see what ya did there. Don't worry about me, it's 24 hr Fitness for me.

But clocking just means from what I do at work. Watching the clock and also from what a clocker does i.e watching things going on. At least, I think it's what I think it means.
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post #22 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:48pm
Thread Starter 
Stay on target, Gold Leader...

Funny thing about Ed's film... I still see David Tennant playing him. If Tennant can do a decent American accent, then we have our Ed!

EDIT: I just asked my fiancee if Michael Ironside should play me in a filmed version of my life. She told me I actually need a life in order to have it filmed... and that Billy Zane would be a far better choice.

Zeus help me, I love that gal of mine!
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post #23 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:52pm
I'd be down for it. Tennant would be much taller than me. (Me at a solid 5'10") but why not.
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post #24 of 66
8/10/09 at 2:58pm
Lima Oscar Lima in 'Sniper 3: Back into the Badass Bush'.
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post #25 of 66
8/10/09 at 3:05pm
I'd want Jason Bateman to play me. Directed by Mike Judge (haven't seen their movie together but it seems like a good fit). They story would be about a guy with three kids trying to make his way in the world. Hijinks ensue.
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post #26 of 66
8/10/09 at 3:19pm
Confessions of a Weird Lazy Asshole starring Clark Duke and directed by David Gordon Green (the old one who didn't make comedies) about a weird lazy asshole who fails at life until a he dies of some very painful disease.
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post #27 of 66
8/10/09 at 3:46pm
I'd be played by Tom Hanks, I don't know why but I have always seen him playing me. The story is that of a looser geek who meets a woman who turns his life around, so for a director I'd go with Kevin Smith. He could also play my freind John as he looks just like him.
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post #28 of 66
8/10/09 at 3:48pm
Not to derail, but when you say Tom Hanks. You mean current Tom Hanks or 80s Bachelor Party Tom Hanks?
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post #29 of 66
8/10/09 at 3:54pm
80's Tom Hanks - although at the moment he would have to carry the weight he did for cast away.
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post #30 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:03pm
Sam Rockwell. Ivan Reitman. Drunk: a tragecomedy.
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post #31 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:10pm
Mine would have to be called "A Life In Cyclical Motion" since I tend to talk a lot about life, movies, videogames, and soundtracks. When my friend and I get together it's like a cross between Kevin Smith/Linklater/Scorsese dialogue. If this was tv, I'd say my life closely resembles Curb Your Enthusiasm, since I tend to say stuff that gets me in trouble, my friend could be Jeff Green, and my girlfriend is the voice of reason and keeps me in line.

I'd say it'd be part romantic comedy, part crude (dialogue wise) comedy and part coming of age story about me trying to find out what I'm meant to do, and needing to grow the hell up (in my own way of course.)

I've heard I look like Jack Black, Jon from Jon and Kate, and the guy from the Flight Of The Concords, so I'll go with the guy from The Flight Of The Concords.

I'd want it filmed like a documentary, so I'd go with Richard Linklater.
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post #32 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken Savage View Post
80's Tom Hanks - although at the moment he would have to carry the weight he did for cast away.
Let's be honest: most of the actors you'd name in this thread would have to pull some serious DeNiro/LaMotta shit.
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post #33 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:16pm
I want Joon B. Kim (Raymond K. Hessel in Fight Club) as Al Pacino starring as me, Joon Kim, fighting Tyler Durden back and killing him for daring to threaten a convenience store clerk. Never in my life have I wanted to be a veterinarian!

It would be directed by Kevin Smith, who would need to stretch a bit because I'm a taciturn bastard who only speaks in functional customer service vernacular. But with the violence, I'd want someone like Takeshi Kitano to direct it too.
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post #34 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:16pm
What is the main plot point? A gal from the midwest who has dealt with many hardships and is still rebelling against what society deems proper behavior.

Who stars as you? Jodie Foster Why? She can play average gal's with her eyes closed. Plus she's cool.

Who directs it? Sam Peckinpah Why? Irratic and unpredictable - yeah thats me.
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post #35 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:38pm
Biorhythm: An Ode to Bobby Bear. A tale of bass, unrequited affections, and guilt. Written and directed by Cameron Crowe. Starring Jamie Bell.

The main plot point? Well, seeing as my life isn't terribly cinematic, it'd probably focus on me trying to make it with my band. Crowe's pedigree here would be crucial in crafting the film's bittersweet tone. Jamie Bell would fill my Chuck Taylor's because he's solid, age-appropriate (we were both born in 1986), and they'd need to "sex" up (read: make remotely attractive) the part, while maintaining my inherently unimposing nature and physicality. It'd likely be rated 18 and contain frequent, hard cereal abuse.
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post #36 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:45pm
Thread Starter 
I'm cracking up reading most of these!

Keep it up!
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post #37 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby Bear View Post
It'd likely be rated 18 and contain frequent, hard cereal abuse.
Yeah, I don't know if American audience can handle that much abuse. The MPAA is gonna require some cuts.
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post #38 of 66
8/10/09 at 4:56pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdHocken View Post
Yeah, I don't know if American audience can handle that much abuse. The MPAA is gonna require some cuts.
Fuck the MPAA. Go DTV, Bobby! I'll buy it!
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post #39 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:01pm
I don't know, I'm still writing the first act.
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post #40 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lima Oscar Lima View Post
Go DTV, Bobby! I'll buy it!
Thanks, Lima! Ed, even the combined might of Sony Pictures Entertainment cannot contain the sheer Kellogg's devouring carnage that is Biorhythm: An Ode to Bobby Bear.
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post #41 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:08pm
If we're talking ratings wise, there's plenty of full frontal male nudity, so yeah, NC-17 or DTV.
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post #42 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:09pm
Since it's a UK film, I expect Ewan McGregor to show up and drop trow. Plus, get Danny Boyle to direct. I want some energy.
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post #43 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:30pm
I could see McGregor showing up as a rival rocker at some point, Ed. I'd also want Colm Meaney to be involved somewhere. Maybe, in a Timothy Spall-style Rock Star managerial capacity.
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post #44 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
My movie would probably be a love story/romantic comedy called 'My Big Fat Lutheran Wedding'. I literally married into the stereotypical 'Oh YAAAAAAh, Yoo Betcha!' family, and it's been an experience.

They'd probably cast Hugh Grant to play me and have him grow a goatee. I've had way too many people tell me that I look like him.

It would probably be directed by Garry Marshall.
Hugh Grant into the belly of the Yoo Betcha beast in the style of Frankie and Johnny? I'd watch that.


I'd pick a band story like Bobby, the one where I was in a Motorhead style heavy rock band on the upswing in the early 00s which then dissolved because of meth and a haircut. Yeah, a haircut. So Rob Reiner it is then (he wouldn't even need to be back on his A game to be honest), or if he's not available, and Cameron Crowe is busy on Bobby's film, then it's got to be Nicolas Winding Refn. Cate Blanchett can play me because she's just that good. If I could go back in time though I'd have Werner Herzog document the time I spent living in Brazil, I love that crazy fucker and it'd have been the best diary/memento a boy could wish for.
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post #45 of 66
8/10/09 at 5:39pm
I'd be in for your movie, Bucho. Our respective opuses could have a kinda Capote/Infamous thing going on.
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post #46 of 66
8/10/09 at 7:38pm
EXTREME PREJUDICE : THE REAL FUCKING DEAL

A film is made about your life. What is the main plot point?
A rogue black-ops unit is being hunted by a former member and all hell breaks loose. Co-starring the B-Action Movie Thread Gangk-stas.
Based on a true story, I promise.

Who directs it?
A boozed/coked out Walter Hill knee-deep in all kinds of pussy, all the while downing Red Bull energy drinks by the gallon and pooping Viagra pills like no tomorrow.

Why?
The man needs to get back in the game.

Who stars as you?
Aristotelis “Telly” Savalas

Why?
Kojak

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post #47 of 66
8/10/09 at 8:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby Bear View Post
I'd be in for your movie, Bucho. Our respective opuses could have a kinda Capote/Infamous thing going on.
Oh yeah dude, it's Armageddon vs Deep Impact all over again. Oh shit, sorry Lima, I forgot this is a No-Bay Zone.
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post #48 of 66
8/10/09 at 8:48pm
L'Ame Perdu a film about an American coming home from living an extended period in France and struggling to connect with his life in America. Eventually deciding to return to university, he winds up getting involved with one of his professors until she leaves. The film ends with him just as alienated and searching for connection as he was in the beginning.

Directed by: Alexander Payne. The man makes beautiful, muted storytelling on a human level look easy.

Starring: Paul Giamatti. There are few actors who bring such a profound sense of loss and distance to simple glances.
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post #49 of 66
8/10/09 at 9:06pm
ME: A tale of madness, starring young Robert De Niro in full-on weight loss mode, directed by... hmm... why not shoot for the stars, co-directed by Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese, fighting the whole goddamn time.

FUTURE ME: A tale of through-the-mill-ness, starring Mickey Rourke, directed by Darren Aronofsky. Soundtrack by Cinderella?
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post #50 of 66
8/11/09 at 4:19am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_Cellophane View Post
L'Ame Perdu a film about an American coming home from living an extended period in France and struggling to connect with his life in America. Eventually deciding to return to university, he winds up getting involved with one of his professors until she leaves. The film ends with him just as alienated and searching for connection as he was in the beginning.

Directed by: Alexander Payne. The man makes beautiful, muted storytelling on a human level look easy.

Starring: Paul Giamatti. There are few actors who bring such a profound sense of loss and distance to simple glances.
I hope in a little while a little hope can be written into the ending Mr Cellophane. And then I hope you do a prequel of your Gallic frolic, also with Giamatti (but maybe in more of a Shoot Em Up mode?).

Also, surprise, I'm an idiot. Obviously it's Linklater who should do the film of the rise and implosion of my stoner/shit-talkin'/hard-rockin' band. Blanchett stays though.
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