Peter Judson Asks Advice

I would've punched that clown right in the mouth.

My advice is probably useless here since I'm five years younger than you, can't stand kids, and am still pretty immature, but speaking as a guy who was 'that kid' growing up, I guess my main question here is: Do you see yourself having enough of a future with the lady to be a part of the kid's life too?

If so, don't worry too much about it. It'll work itself out as it goes along and as long as the kid doesn't openly hate you right out of the gate, which he seems not to, things will be fine. If I was in your situation, I'd just keep playing it cool, but avoid doing the shit that I hated seeing guys do/heard about my dad growing up, which is basically:
-Don't be an abusive piece of shit
-Be responsible and respectful
-Don't let partying get in the way of responsibility
-Don't try so hard to be so cool that you give up your airs of "authority", leading the kid to not respect you as an adult (even though this will still probably be right out the window once those glorious teen years hit)
-Make sure she's cool with it and follow her lead here and there with the kid. She's been with him for 8 years so she probably has a fairly good idea of how he works so far.

Some of these are obvious, yeah, but if I could rewind time and hand a list to some of the dudes my mom dated/married while I was growing up, these things would be on there.

Definitely don't worry about "growing up", then. It sounds like you've got the right idea already.

You may not feel ready in your gut, but that sounds pretty grown up right there for what it's worth.

Peter,

At the very least you seem to understand the gravity of the issues you are grappling with, and you are approaching the decision with a great deal of compassion and care. Not having kid's I cannot give you advice beyond this:

You seem alot more decent than plenty of other would be dads out there, so the kid could definitely do worse in the father figure department.

Then again, the idea of giving up the ability to party at will is hella scary, so whatever you decide make sure it's the right decision for YOU. If you make a choice you are less than completely happy with, I can assume you'll be miserable. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Don't guilt trip yourself into signing up for a bigger commitment than you can handle. In the end, I do not think that would be fair to Jess and her kid, even if you are coming from a 'helping place'

You're not ready for this.

It's nice that you like the kid, but it's more important that you be ready with the woman. If you do, great. But if you're not ready to make a commitment to her first, You're definitely not ready for the kid.

You bring up drinking a few times in your original post. Like a few other people in this community, I also fell into the stereotypical "Irish-American who likes distilled and brewed beverages a little too much" group during the first half of my twenties. Now, I'm not an AA freak, I don't think we are "powerless" over alcohol addiction. There's a thing called "self-control" and people who have a hard time cutting themselves off once they start drinking need to exercise it. However, I would seriously consider cooling this down and reevaluating the situation until you can make a post like this without mentioning the drinking habit like it's a consideration in your decision. Why?

When you are getting a handle on your drinking, the last thing you need is a serious, committed relationship. Relationships are stressful, time-consuming, and require a lot of patience and effort. Jumping into one that features a kid--which only amplifies the above downsides--is not a great idea until you've identified and addressed whatever is pushing you to imbibe to the point of heavy drinking. Otherwise, you'll jump into this, get stressed out, the stress will turn into a trigger for drinking to excess, and you'll run the danger of being the asshole you clearly do not want to be.

I never planned on having kids, but the girl I fell in love with already had them. I'd never been good with kids or anything- but it didn't really matter. Even with challenges: the older one has dealt with severe ADHD and the younger one was very much a daddy's girl despite my wife's ex being at times a drunken psycho, they just sort of became my kids. It just comes naturally.

I would say unless you're one of those people who really had a strong desire not to have kids, or you've ever been featured on To Catch a Predator, to not worry about it.

For someone who doesn't think we're powerless over alcohol, that sure sounds like you think people are powerless over alcohol.

Cause you know, he could just drink in moderation, for as long as he wants, and not become a drunken asshole about it.

You yanks have some seriously wierd attitudes to grog I reckon. No wonder you're country is where bloody AA comes from.

I'm not saying he's incapable of doing it, I'm saying he runs a risk of going that direction if he doesn't get a handle on it before he jumps into the family man role. There's a distinction between "that's definitely going to happen" and "that could happen if you go into this unprepared."

I still drink in moderation, I'm sure Mr. Judson can. But if drinking is significant enough to mention three times in a post like this and swear not to do around the kid towards the end of such a post, call me crazy, but it seems like something he might want to examine between putting himself into a position that is riddled with stress and responsibilities.

Yeah fair enough.

I think Jake has given you the most solid advice. Don't over-think this (which, as pointed out, the fact that you're concerned about this is a good indication that you're growing up just fine), don't try to "plan", if that's a good word, how you should or shouldn't feel. Just let it happen, but make sure you're in a good place for a relationship with the mom. If so, the rest will probably fall into place. But at the same time, make sure to respect the little guy as a person.

I never wanted kids, don't have 'em, and I'm not with a man who has them or wants them. He did at one point when he was younger, but now that he's almost 47 and childless, he's had a change in heart with age, and he can't even picture himself with kids now, so it worked out for both of us.

About nine years ago, I was dating a divorced dad who had an awesome, sweet, smart little eight year old daughter. I never wanted kids, and preferred to date guys who didn't have them, but she and I bonded pretty fast. I never resented her tagging along with us, I never got tired of having her around, and I even stood up for her in arguments with her dad now and then if he was being unfair. I was the one who ended the relationship with the dad, but it had everything to do with him, and nothing to do with her.

So, while you think you may not be ready, my point is that you'll probably just discover naturally if you are or not.

The only advice I'd give you, as someone who had a two-year relationship with someone that had a 7-year old kid (10 by the time we split, obviously) is:

a) Your relationship with her has to be the main reason you are in this. If you two are definitely not gonna make the long haul, there is no point even getting involved.

b) Don't deny to yourself the fact that she has a kid in your thinking. Whether he becomes important to you or not, he will always be her first priority and in a choice between you and him, you willl lose - and rightly so.

c) Don't spend too much time with the boy until you know exactly how serious you are about her. It just isn't fair.

My relationship ended up going very sour - not because she had a kid, but because she turned into an aggressive bitch - but i'd be lying if I said the fact that we lived under the same roof, me her and the boy, didn't became a strain pretty quickly. You obviously don't have the same kind of freedoms that childless couples have and its good that at least you two seem to get on.

We started out that way, but truth be told, he was a spoiled kid due to the fact that his dad wanted nothing to do with him and I had no truck with that. All i'm saying is, no matter how good things are now, be aware that if you stick around, you will have to get involved in some of the decision-making with regards to the kid and you have to be ready for that - not as a substitute father, but as a responsible adult in a relationship with a single mother.

If that doesn't freak you out, then you're on the right path. Sure, things went wrong for me, but it sounds like you're off to a good start. If this feels like something you are ready for and want, then I wish you the very best and congratulations - you are a man, my son!

That fact you are thinking about this proves you are far from immature.

If the relationship is still in the early stages then all that matters is you and her really. It's only when it gets serious that the kid becomes really important, and to be honest if you get to that stage then, I think the problem will have taken care of itself.

Peter,

If you think it's bad now...wait until you become a grandfather.

Although it is kind of fun stuffing the granddaughter full of fish and chips and handing her back all bloaty and farty to her mom... good times!

Just kidding... I won't repeat what others have told you here, as 90% of them have given you more than sound advice. All I can tell you is this. I've been where you are now. I've had that kind of relationship more than once. Two of my three marriages had stepkids involved... and this is what you need to know.

When it works, when everything clicks... there is no better feeling in Heaven or Earth. The clouds part, the rain stops... and God gives you an 'attaboy!'.

But when it doesn't work... well, I won't describe it. I lack the words to tell you how fucked up it could be. But those were my relationships, not yours... so your experiences may differ.

Follow your heart. If you have doubts, listen to them. Yes, you are dating the woman... but that child will also play a factor.

When I began dating a woman who had a 6 year old son about 6-7 years ago, my dad told me that he thought being a parent was the toughest job a person could have...until he became a step-parent. It's a different ballgame, and one where the rules are far less defined. I learned that as well, and it can be frustrating at times.

It seems like every situation is different, so it is hard to give concrete advice (and several others have given some anyway) but my biggest piece of advice would be, if you are serious about this girl and her kid, as time goes on and you become closer to them both make absolutely certain that you are clear with the mother as to how discipline and decision making will take place. Some of the worst arguments a step dad can have are with the mom when they don't agree with the best way to raise a child, or the proper means of discipline. Single mothers have a tough road to hoe. They are not accustomed to giving up authority or sharing it and it can become a big sticking point. If the kid is good and respectful and has no problems or issues with you being "daddy" then it makes it a lot easier.

I would agree with the people that think you are definitely on the right track by being concerned about this.

I can't help you with much, Peter, but here's my take on maturity. Quite simply, it's the ability to organize the most important things in your life so they take priority. It has nothing to do with what your hobbies are or how much you like to drink or what movies you like to watch. My little girl is the most important thing in the world to me so she gets priority over every thing else. So, that means if I had an evening of drinking at the pub planned but she's sick, she wins.

If you have your priorities set straight and do right by them, then you're mature.

Good luck.