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Staying friends with exes

post #1 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:13am
Thread Starter 
So at the moment I'm stuck in a little twist of irony. I've been married for three years and we're perfectly happy, but my first real moment of jealousy has recently sprung up. You see, my wife has started talking to one of her exes, Will...

My wife and I live in Ohio, and he lives in South Carolina. I'm not threatened by him, he seems like a perfectly nice guy, but they text each other and chat online a lot and I can't help but get a little aggravated. She misses her friends from high school, and he represents that, so I understand why she enjoys the reminiscing but still...

The irony here is that I've stayed friends with all my exes. Most of them it's only casual, like they're all on my facebook and one of them married a best friend of mine, but there's one in particular: Claire. We dated in the 9th grade when I lived in Florida, I moved to South Carolina but we kept the relationship going for another six months or so. It was a mutual breakup, however, and we stayed friends and now she's one of my oldest friends.

She and I e-mail, talk on the phone, and send each other mix-cds all the time (she lives in North Carolina). I feel like I can tell her anything, and she in fact does tell me everything about what's going on with her current boyfriends (which, I admit, is a little awkward because I was her first kiss and I remember her back in the innocent days).

So basically I have no right to be jealous because I have the same relationship with Claire as my wife does with Will. Basically we're penpals. Still, I don't know, is there a double standard about guys staying friends with their girlfriends? Because I know guys, and although I want nothing but friendship out of Claire, I can't help but wonder at Will's intentions.

So, what's it like with your exes?
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post #2 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:23am
You may have to get Will and Claire together.

I'm a jealous bastard, hypocrisy be damned. It's really one of my biggest flaws.
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post #3 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:34am
I've never had that sort of experience with any of my exes, though many of them used to hang out with close guy friends all the time. Never really bothered me - not because I trusted the guys, but because I trusted my girlfriends. I've always been of the opinion that if someone's going to cheat on me then we shouldn't be going out anyway.

I'm pretty good friends with most of my exes, apart from the ones I still carry a flame for or who still carry a flame for me. That can get messy.
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post #4 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:42am
Bartleby, when you write your ex gf from 9th grade, how much time do you spend talking about "what if" or "imagine if we'd fucked" or any romantic/non-platonic scenario involving you two? (And you're anonymous here, and you brought it up, so be honest.) If the answer is "more than my wife knows about", I think you have your answer as to why you're jealous, and why you have no room to be.
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post #5 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:54am
Thread Starter 
Well here's the thing, we don't do that. Claire's actually in the midst of a weird love triangle where she's still in love with Tony, a guy she met in College but who now lives in San Francisco, and Tavin, a guy she works with in North Carolina. This was after she lived with a guy, Chris, for two years.

So her life is a soap opera, and I get to hear all about it. My life by comparison is tame, as the wife and I take the dog for walks and go to bonfires with friends, but overall we're stable and boring.

The only thing I have to feel guilty about is Claire and I tell each other we love each other. Like, we finish letters with "I love you" and shit like that. My only justification is it's totally a brother/sister thing, and we've been doing it for the past ten years before I even knew my wife.

I know the jealousy isn't justified, I'm arguing that it's human nature and I'm trying my best to overcome it. I don't yell or accuse the missus, I silently brood.
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post #6 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:54am
Does he have a giant cock? That might be why she's aching for it.
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post #7 of 554
10/6/09 at 9:56am
Phil may have a point here - is it just that you're jealous by nature, or is there more that you're talking about with your ex, and it's carrying over (in your mind) into what you think your wife may be talking about with Will?

Because, yeah, you are holding her to a double-standard. I don't know the best way to tell you to handle it, because that's your marriage, and I don't bother staying friends with my exes. It truly sounds like you're getting upset over a harmless connection - she's with you. If she didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't be. But really think twice about whether or not this is jealousy, or if you're talking about more with your ex than you'd reveal to your wife. And be honest with yourself, most of all.
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post #8 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:02am
Thread Starter 
About the Cock: nice question. Could be. He was her first time, and maybe that's a subconscious part of it.

On that same subject, I'm still "friends" with my first time, Dawn. That's a whole other story. She's made my life a living hell, by far my worst breakup, at different points in the last seven years and yet I keep letting her back into my life. We're not close, but I think I was fishing for some sort of closure for years and now I'm stuck with her as a casual aquaitance.

Come on guys, my little intro story was more of a way to segue into your stories. I know my jealousy is unfounded, and I'm not beating my wife with a wet noodle or anything (so many ways to interpret that), I'm just being a guy. High Fidelity is gospel, man.
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post #9 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:03am
You could always move to the Arctic Circle to escape from Dr. Cocktopus and his throbbing influence on your wife.
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post #10 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:04am
Thread Starter 
You're a gentleman, Brad.
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post #11 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:06am
I'm trying to help you. Right now you're both on an inexorable collision course with massive prong, and you should be aware of that.
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post #12 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:09am
Thread Starter 
I am the student, you are the master.
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post #13 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:09am
Just don't come crying to me when Hungcules is knocking on your wife's back door.

From ten feet away.

With his enormous erection.
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post #14 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:10am
Thread Starter 
So how do I cockblock Captain Wang?
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post #15 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:16am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
So how do I cockblock Captain Wang?
With a gun.

And if my wife found me writing "I love you" to some other broad, she'd Burning Bed me. And she's the nice one in the marriage.
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post #16 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:17am
None of us (except probably Millette) know what you're wife is thinking, so any advice is going to be pretty generalized. I get that you're probably telling yourself it's no big deal, but if you've reached the point where you just had to ask a bunch of people on the internet about it, then it's probably the kind of thing you're going to uses as ammo the next time you and the wife get in an argument. Ugly, ugly ammo.

On the other hand if you try talking about it with her she might get offended that you don't trust her.


You signed a pre nup, right?
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post #17 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:21am
Thread Starter 
Well then, is it ever okay to have a platonic relationship with a lady that involves the L-word?

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me.

*needs to look into buying a gun*
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post #18 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:35am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
Well then, is it ever okay to have a platonic relationship with a lady that involves the L-word?
I don't know how far away you are from 9th grade, but saying "I love you" to each other (out loud or in writing) is a huge red flag. I think you need to address your real feelings for this person and stop lying to yourself. And then let your wife know how you feel about the other woman in your life. As Updike said, "we are cruel enough without meaning to be."

To be honest I think there's a level of infatuation going on within you. The fact that you're typing about it to us, it's like it HAS to come out of you somewhere, isn't it? We've all been there- just running our mouths about a "platonic" co-worker or classmate even while swearing out loud that we don't have a thing for them.

And as you listen to her love triangle woes (or as you said "GET TO hear all about it"), isn't that a twinge of heartbreak you're feeling, as you hear about the emotional and sexual energy she spends on someone else, the sweat of her passion now only so much salt to rub into your still-open wound? And rest assured, she knows about the open wound you carry.

Stop lying. Stop lying to us. Stop lying to yourself.
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post #19 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:35am
I'm lucky that all my wife's ex's were such dicks that she has nothing to do with them, (this has the added bonus of making me look awsome by comparison).
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post #20 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:40am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil View Post
I don't know how far away you are from 9th grade, but saying "I love you" to each other (out loud or in writing) is a huge red flag. I think you need to address your real feelings for this person and stop lying to yourself. And then let your wife know how you feel about the other woman in your life. As Updike said, "we are cruel enough without meaning to be."

To be honest I think there's a level of infatuation going on within you. The fact that you're typing about it to us, it's like it HAS to come out of you somewhere, isn't it? We've all been there- just running our mouths about a "platonic" co-worker or classmate even while swearing out loud that we don't have a thing for them.

And as you listen to her love triangle woes (or as you said "GET TO hear all about it"), isn't that a twinge of heartbreak you're feeling, as you hear about the emotional and sexual energy she spends on someone else, the sweat of her passion now only so much salt to rub into your still-open wound? And rest assured, she knows about the open wound you carry.

Stop lying. Stop lying to us. Stop lying to yourself.
Also, his dick is like, huge.
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post #21 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:41am
Interesting that this thread popped up today as it's something that's been on my mind.

I'm friends with most of my exes. But that's probably because they have, for the most part, been very casual relationships. More friends with benefits than actual relationships.

My ex-wife and I are in a hell of a pickle and I don't think at this point I could ever be friends with her. But who knows what could happen years from now?

I've recently gotten back in touch with an ex-girlfriend of mine from 9 years ago. It was an awful breakup and I was in a lot of pain. But lots of time has passed and I've moved on and there are no hard feelings. I actually sent her a message saying how I wouldn't mind chatting again and playing catch-up. She responded that it meant a lot to her that I would do that and so we're in contact again.

I see it as completely possible that we could now be friends.

But who knows? Maybe I'm still attracted to her or she to me and that's what this is about.

...

My dad is very good friends with most of his exes.

For some people it works I guess.

...

If you trust your wife Bartleby, there's nothing for you to worry about. Because the moment Will crosses the line, she'll cut him off.

But buy a gun just in case.
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post #22 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:41am
Platonic love is fine, but if you've already done it with her, than you're on a whole other level. Platonic isn't going to be available anymore.

I've never stayed friends with any exes, and I trust my girlfriend (2 years and still going strong) so take my info how you will.
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post #23 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:43am
There's only one solution. He must die. And since we're on a film message board, may I suggest the Strangers On A Train method? Surely there's a South Carolina Chewer with a mortal enemy in Ohio.

Or you could just don't think about it so much.
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post #24 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:45am
Do you close your eyes while you're banging your wife and do your best to picture Claire's face on her?

'cos that's like, a red flag.
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post #25 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:46am
Also buy a gun A BIG GUN.
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post #26 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:50am
Also, you should try showing this thread to your wife. If this doesn't erase every man she's ever met from her memory nothing will.
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post #27 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:56am
Thread Starter 
I'd like to thank Erix for at least trying to deflect the conversation away from me.

Rene, Claire and I actually didn't do the deed. Hence my weird feelings about hearing her do the deed with others. She actually has an unhealthy connection to Tony, the guy that lives in San Fran now, because he was her first time. Which led me to wonder if my weird closure issues with Dawn were specifically because she was my first time. Although I have since settled those issues, they were recently unearthed with the arrival of good ol' Will into my life, the first time of my wife.

For clarificaiton, first time=fucking.

Does it help that my wife has met Claire, and that she attended our wedding?

When I do buy this gun, is it necessary to actually kill Will, or just castrate him via magnum force?
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post #28 of 554
10/6/09 at 10:58am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
Also, you should try showing this thread to your wife. If this doesn't erase every man she's ever met from her memory nothing will.
I don't see "So her life is a soap opera, and I get to hear all about it. My life by comparison is tame, as the wife and I take the dog for walks and go to bonfires with friends, but overall we're stable and boring." Winning over a lot of hearts and minds on that front.


Also it must be said, I've never known Brad to be wrong about a penis, so it will probably confirm her suspicions about what a superhuman stallion she's missing out on.
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post #29 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:00am
Thread Starter 
So do I dare ask why Brad is so informed about the cock? And if so, he needs to go help Princess Kate with her Seth Brundle problem over in the Movie Misc section.

*regrets having spoken HER name*
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post #30 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:04am
You need to assassinate his genitalia. WITH BULLETS.

Its the what if syndrome thats plaguing you as others have already said. It may not be there in the forefront of your mind, but its there.
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post #31 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
So do I dare ask why Brad is so informed about the cock? And if so, he needs to go help Princess Kate with her Seth Brundle problem over in the Movie Misc section.

*regrets having spoken HER name*
Well, connoisseur is a word that gets bandied around all to frequently in casual conversation, but in some cases it is still quite apt.
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post #32 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:09am
Everyone has their hobbies.
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post #33 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:12am
How you get them all into those tiny bottles is pretty astounding.
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post #34 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:13am
Thread Starter 
I'm 25, teach at a community college, and have no money (mostly due to paying off student loans). My wife and I may be boring, but we're happy. If there is a "what if" aspect to my relationship with Claire, I'm smart enough to know that

1.) Leaving my wife and job in Ohio to go pursue an ex I haven't even seen in person in three years is a bad idea.

2.) Even if I chose to do so, it's not like we can pick up where we were in 2001. High School is over.

Can't I have a close female friend?

*violins start playing*
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post #35 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:22am
My first wife developed a taste for HUGE BLACK COCK and left me for a blues guitarist from Chicago*. Of course, he wasn't gonna leave his woman for her, so she got fucked on about all levels.

Tried to maintain civil relationship with her, but over the years it got to be too much trouble to give a damn and I haven't talked to her since she called to congratulate me on the birth of my only daughter with my current wife.

Exes can be all right, I guess. But why put yourself in a position to muddy the waters any more than they already are? If *they* are done with you, then be done with them and move the hell on.

*There were other issues in our 15 years together. But the upshot is she kept going to the brothers for comfort of a physical sort
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post #36 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:33am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
I'm 25, teach at a community college, and have no money (mostly due to paying off student loans). My wife and I may be boring, but we're happy. If there is a "what if" aspect to my relationship with Claire, I'm smart enough to know that

1.) Leaving my wife and job in Ohio to go pursue an ex I haven't even seen in person in three years is a bad idea.

2.) Even if I chose to do so, it's not like we can pick up where we were in 2001. High School is over.

Can't I have a close female friend?

*violins start playing*
Only if your wife is allowed a close male friend. (and boy, is he male)

I don't know, the closest thing I can relate to was an ex started working where I worked a few years back and sometimes we'd end up having breaks at the same time. I had 0 remaining affection for her so it was mostly just awkward.

You're also using logic and rationality to explain why your wants and desires wouldn't make sense. I don't think wants and desires care. But if you really think it's so silly that you'd leave your wife for all those reasons, why worry about your wife leaving you for the same ones?
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post #37 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:37am
Quote:
Originally Posted by teledork View Post
My first wife developed a taste for HUGE BLACK COCK and left me for a blues guitarist from Chicago*.
Quote:
Originally Posted by teledork View Post
muddy the waters
Please tell me this was intentional.
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post #38 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:40am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scratch
Please tell me this was intentional.
More than you can imagine....the guy from Chicago is the son of Muddy's guitarist in the fifties.
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post #39 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:43am
What a small, cruel, awesome world.
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post #40 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:44am
Helluva guitarist, though.
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post #41 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:45am
One question: Does your wife know you tell this other woman "I love you"?

If she does know and doesn't care, more power to you guys, I guess. But then she gets to tell the dude you're suspicious of the same thing (platonically, naturally), and you have no ground to stand on when it makes you queasy.

If she doesn't know, your denial is kind of staggering. Tell your wife or end your totally platonic friendship. Maybe both.

I know if my girlfriend caught me telling another woman aside from my sister that I loved her, I'd be lucky to escape with one testicle, let alone both.
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post #42 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:51am
My opinion: unless there are children involved, staying friends with exes is a bad idea. You've fucked. You'll always know that you've fucked that person. You'll always subconciously remember fucking that person, regardless of your current relationship.
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post #43 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:53am
Speaking only for myself, I'm friends with a number of exes, and fucking them is pretty much all I think about when communicating with them. So I try my level best to not ever hang out with them. (Seriously, fuck moral posturing in here. I like to use my penis; it's the reason I wake up in the morning.)
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post #44 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:56am
exactly. Heaven forbid that your 'friendly ex' likes to perform a certain sexual act that your new partner refuses to do...
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post #45 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:58am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil View Post
Speaking only for myself, I'm friends with a number of exes, and fucking them is pretty much all I think about when communicating with them. So I try my level best to not ever hang out with them. (Seriously, fuck moral posturing in here. I like to use my penis; it's the reason I wake up in the morning.)
Yeah, this.

Also, the posts about Count Cockula in here totally made my morning.
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post #46 of 554
10/6/09 at 11:59am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
So, what's it like with your exes?
I didn't trust them then, and I certainly don't trust them now.

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post #47 of 554
10/6/09 at 12:04pm
Thread Starter 
Dudes, I said Claire and I never had sex. We were like fifteen, which yeah I know means nothing but I didn't want to rush with her seeing as I was her first boyfriend.

So, Claire and I have only seen each other in person once since we broke up in 2001, and that was at my wedding in 2006. My wife does know about the "I love you"s, which to be honest have evolved into more like "love ya bunches" since we got together with significant others anyway.

Now in the case of Dawn, I really can't be friends (wouldn't have talked to her in years except she added me on facebook) with her because I simultaneously hate her and want to fuck her.

Facebook has really ruined the whole safe distance thing. You want to forget about people, especially exes, then they add you and you see their stupid statuses everyday.
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post #48 of 554
10/6/09 at 12:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
Facebook has really ruined the whole safe distance thing. You want to forget about people, especially exes, then they add you and you see their stupid statuses everyday.
Then why did you add them? I've refused a couple of people on Facebook that I have no desire to renew/maintain contact with. You HAVE the power, you know.
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post #49 of 554
10/6/09 at 12:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven View Post
Facebook has really ruined the whole safe distance thing. You want to forget about people, especially exes, then they add you and you see their stupid statuses everyday.
I'm fond of the "hide" function
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post #50 of 554
10/6/09 at 12:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by horrid View Post
None of us (except probably Millette) know what you're wife is thinking,
Best line of the day.

Look, exes blow - this is why they're exes. Why do you want to be friends with someone who made out with two other chicks right in front of you at a new years party in '98, always pestered you for anal after you repeatedly said "no", and then cheated on you with a stripper? Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

As for Facebook, I'm not on it - that's how I handle that little problem. My "first" tracked me down on MySpace a couple of years ago, and I blocked his creepy ass. That's how you do it.
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