Racism on online dating sites

Definitely weird that it doesn't allow you to check more than one box, even though the concept of having to "check a box" bugs me on a base level.

So now you're calling us reptiles "weird", huh?

RACIST!!!

Uh, I mean... SPECIESIST!!!

As a caucasian fella who has dabbled a bit in the online dating universe, I have to say that I've seen a fair share of both white and black women offered up by the powers that be as a potential match for me. But maybe that's due to my having listed Luther Vandross as a musical preference....

What kinda mutt are you, Diva?

I'm a white dude.

Just a quick word: I'm at work so I'm not about to click links to random racism, but if the issue is someone that prefers to date people with a certain skin color, I do not see a problem with that. We cannot help who we are attracted to. I myself am one of the most politically liberal people you'll ever meet, but feel almost zero chemistry with people from certain races. Biology? I'm not sure. Definitely not "hate" though.

...huh.

Any proof to back that up? Because as far as I can tell, there's no reason to suspect this is the cause over half a dozen other possible explanations.

Other than the exhaustively documented and constantly reinforced concept of white privilege? None, really.

I guess I only got, she only likes the white boys out of that...

I'm a white guy and I've dated a few black girls before...so I guess it does not bother me... Oh well...

I've been doing the online dating thing for a while now, and I have to say the level of bigotry, racism, and hatred you find in those profiles is outstanding. If you're sick with the flu this winter, I recommend making a profile on Plentyoffish.com just to have some laughs.

I meant, if there is a place where random racist comments are being made, I probably should not go there online. If it were a page with information about Emmet Till or something, then that would be OK.

EDIT: I clicked the link, so now I understand. I thought you were linking to something racist, not something ABOUT racism. My bad!

They've got more junk in the trunk. Amirite? Wink Wink

That has what to do with who you respond to in an online dating site exactly?

EDIT: For the record, the whole reason I even made the comment in the first place is because back in the day when I used these sites I never responded to black women, and it had nothing to do with some mythological white privileged, and everything to do with the fact that not a single one who ever mailed me had a single thing in common with my personal tastes. I'd guess the issue is a lot more cultural than racial, though the root of those cultural differences is undoubtedly originally racial.

The frustrating thing about using anecdotal responses to articles of this kind that are based on large datasets and strong statistical evidence is that it doesn't change anything. So yes, while there may be instances where you say "I did X" or "I did Y" it in no way contradicts or invalidates the research because they're looking at the quantitative data and it doesn't really lie. The point that is being made is that there is a measurable difference in how people in general respond based on race.

What these kind of studies don't do is explain why. And there is a lot to study there, but at least admitting that race can affect many social decisions we make is a good starting point.

Race does affect a shit load of social situations, but so does culture, and from what I've read there is zero reason to suspect the issue here is racial more than it is cultural.

:: fires up the Dave and MissZooey signal :: Dave! Zooey! We need you now!

I'm not super well versed on it but, given what I understand is a lack of genetic definition of 'race,' it probably could boil down to a discussion about discrimination based on culture.

Another thing is, and I am certain this is not universally true, but alot of messages on dating sites that I've gotten are barely literate, and do not even bother to type "you" (instead opting for the far classier "u)".

This seems to happen more often with afro-americans than it does with white people, and at a certain point you do not even bother to open messages from people you assume are going to be a waste of time.

Is this because of "race"? No. I assume it has to do with educational levels in the schools these people went to, which unfortunately also might break down alone racial lines.

Take this for example:

"Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder."

One could assume that men write black women back less often than they should statistically because of racist reasons.

However:

Just doing a quick search for a breakdown of the percentage of unwed mothers by race gets me this link: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayof...ths/index.html

"While 28 percent of white women gave birth out of wedlock in 2007, nearly 72 percent of black women and more than 51 percent of Latinas did."

Obviously that's not exactly math, but based on this I wouldn't say it's unreasonable to wonder if there isn't a higher percentage of black women who have kids than white women*. I'd wager that probably contributes somewhat to lack of responses.

How many other factor like this exist that a real number-cruncher like Nate Silver would be able to dig up as an explanation that isn't racial?



* though in the grand scheme of things the reason for this can probably be blamed on racism.

I acknowledge that I spend a pathetically small amount of time thinking about race, but here's what sprang immediately to mind -

On the one hand, the heart wants what it wants, right? I mean, I can't deny that I've only ever dated or been physically involved with other white people.* It wasn't my intention, but it is what happened. I don't think I was willfully excluding people of other colors, but I can't really test that theory now, being the old married lady that I am. It's tough to blame someone for not be attracted to another person, even if their lack of attraction stems from something like race, which isn't the best reason to exclude an individual from romantic consideration.

On the other, we need to take a good, hard look at ourselves and think about why we can draw such clean racial lines through so many of our romantic interactions. And, of course, overt, conscious racism on the part of online dating sites is never, ever acceptable. Or, you know, people posting on message boards, making blanket statements about the literacy levels of an entire group of people.

So... yeah. It's tricky.

* - please note - my personal definition of "white." I know that the KKK would have something else altogether to say about my husband.

Zooey...
I did not say anything about the literacy levels of an entire group of people. However, unfortunately through no fault of their own, blacks are less likely to be literate in this country than whites. That is the fault of the Education system, not the fault of the people trying to learn to read. These are matters of fact, provable by rather depressing statistics.

I said right at the top of my post I did not think my example was universally true... Just what I have encountered online, representative of only me.

I'll tell you something honestly racist about me: Online dating hadn't really caught on by the time I met my wife. But if I were single today I'd use the shit out of online dating sites to taste the rainbow.

Hey, Kate? Why'd you reach right for blacks, when even more depressing statistics indicate that hispanics, as a group, struggle more with literacy than whites or blacks? Or how about the fact that you can strip race away from the equation and boil the whole issue down to educational attainment? And, yes, I do know that there is an overlap between quality of education and race in this country, but it is not a total overlap.

:: pause ::

Could someone please explain to me why I'm even bothering here?

I think that if you can't really imagine being able to date people from another race (or culture) there's something wrong with you. And I say that even though I always had a preference for Hispanic women (my wife is from Puerto Rico), but if you're not open to the possibility you need some alone time to figure out what's going on with you.

You're also missing out on a lot of possibilities.

I'm just saying I'm a short white dude and in the early 90s it was a dicey proposition to try chatting up a black girl in a bar or club. A system to corral those who'd be into giving a white fella some love was just a beautiful dream. Now, it's science fact!

I do not get alot of messages from Hispanics (or did not when I was online dating anyway) because I do not think there are alot in my area. That is why I mentioned blacks, because I recalled getting alot of "yo gurl, hit me back" messages.

I agree with you, it is not all about race. In fact, it is all about educational quality. The problem is that the quality of education is often poorest in areas with large minority populations. This in turn leads to large parts of minority populations being less educated than other people. It is not because the Department of Education is racist, it is because they are underfunded and the demographics unfortunately are not kind to certain groups in this country.

And you're bothering because I am trying to discuss this in good faith and so are you. I have nothing against black people or white people. I have a problem with dating people who say "u" instead of "you". All I was saying was that the frequency that I saw people with poor grammar message me who happened to be black lead me to end up ignoring messages from black people. Not because I'm racist, but as a way to sort through the flood of messages you get at those sites. If I discovered that most people who made a user name that began with the letter "j" had poor grammar, I'd start ignoring messages from the "j" people even though I am sure there would be some nice people I'd miss out on as a result of such a screening process.

Anyway, I think I am being reasonable here but I've made my point and do not want to appear to be stirring up trouble. I was just giving my two cents on the whole online dating racism issue. I was just trying to offer an explanation (other than " Racism!") that had occurred to me for the issue with black men getting fewer responses than white men, etc.

My post wasn't against you, I'm actually backing you up there. Your reasoning is sound and scientific!

I was never against dating a black girl (or any other race), but I spent my oat-sewing years in restrictive "mostly white" environments.

During school: Marching Band
During the summer: Lifeguarding at a Pool
During the winter: Skiing
On the weekends: In my friends' basements, playing D&D

Despite having a diverse town, the opportunity never presented itself.

EDIT: And yeah, despite my geeky activities, I dated, smartasses. LOTS of girls. Sometimes more than one at a time!!!

I'm extremely fond of girls with red hair and freckles, traits really only seen in whites (although Lucy Liu, an Asian woman with freckles, rocks my socks); doesn't make me racist. Hell, even if it does it won't stop me from disproportionately lusting after freckled redheads.

A depressing number of Asian chicks suffer from cultural self-loathing. And they're usually not even consciously aware of it or, if they do have some awareness, they think finding people of your same ethnic background unattractive is somehow a normal thing. I can't respect someone with their head unknowingly so far up their own ass like that.

I feel compelled to dig up the old (Dellamorte?) quote about naming your right hand Seven of Nine and left T'pol not making it a threesome.

ETA: I can't believe I actually googled the correct spelling of T'pol to make this post. What's wrong with me?

Hm wonder if that is changing, or maybe it's a result of living on the edge of the Pacific Rim but a Lot Asian women here prefer Asian men, mostly because they are more familiar with the cultural aspects, esp attitudes towards family life.

This is straight up retarded, btw. Oh, and manifestly racist. You're saying that the cultural differences are racial differences, ie that no matter where a black person is raised, that black person will have certain cultural affinities.

Brava, sweetie. I don't think being attracted to certain races - whether they're our own or not - makes one necessarily biased against other kinds. I've been attracted to a few men of different races, dated a couple, but by and large, I've been attracted to mostly white guys - that's just how it's panned out for me, dating-wise. But if someone is going on dating sites and blasting other races online - yeah, that's sick stuff, and completely wrong.

(And Zooey? You might want to quit while you're ahead with you-know-who. Less headachey that way. )

As long as a woman is pink where it matters, I'm down wif it.

I think you are obliged to shamefully change your avatar from Geordi La Forge to Luke Skywalker or something.

I don't think he's saying anyone is lying about anything - if 72% of category x have kids, and 28% of category y have kids, men who don't want to deal with kids are going to respond back to the people without kids.

Ergo, they will respond to 72% of cat y but only 28% of cat x. All other numbers being equal.

Oh I know what she had in her trunk...ZING!

I was just saying that Louris example doesn't NECESSARILY imply there was any thought or attempt at deceit by people.

This is honestly one of the most retarded things that I have ever read. To illustrate how stupid this is, I am going to share a story. Right after I got texting last year (I refused to take part in the whole texting thing for years because I thought it was destroying our language), I sent a girl that I had gone out with twice a text to let her know that she now had another avenue to contact me. She responded with "Wht r u doing 2nite".

I never talked to her again.

Now, Kate, using your broad generalizations, does this mean that I should never text a girls, because they could come back with idiotic spelling? No, it doesn't.

Also, you saying that you stopped reading messages from black dudes on a dating site because things were often misspelled is a fucking cop out. It takes probably a minute at most to read a personal message; with the frequency that I see you posting messages on goddamn CHUD, I've come to the conclusion that you have the time. So either youre an idiot, or you arent interested in dating black dudes (which is fine, if thats how you roll, awesome, but just fucking cop to it, please).

On a side note: fuck dating sites. Even though I stopped talking to the girl that I mentioned above, I noticed that as soon as I got text messaging, the amount of sex I had went through the goddamn roof. Texting is the key to ice breakers, I think, especially for people my age (21-25 range).

Well that's just straight up racist.

....Lando?