Anbody know any good ways to dispose of a body?

*shuffles away into the abyss*

I got a guy.

Truly it's a golden age of comedy.

Board-wide meltdown, or people just drunk posting?

First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Forcing a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don't recommend that disposal method, I'm just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite.

Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.

If you want to bury, I recommend separating the body into several parts, and burying them separately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an entire body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accelerates decomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.

Pretty great post/avatar combo.

Jesus. Stealing that for my Facebook "Halloween Safety Tips" posting.

Also, drunk posting needn't be a lose-lose situation. Just sayin'.

find a fresh grave.

From the Cold Six Thousand:
Put shotgun shells in mouth. Duct tape mouth shut. Light body on fire. Once head explodes, pour honey down hole in throat. Dump in body of water that is an active crab habitat.

A shovel works.

Thanks jackspades for making this thread worth the read.

My idea of blasting the body into the sun onboard a rocket just isn't affordable, sadly.

Yes, my CST method was amusing, but he really went all out with that guide. That's helpful info to have: P

If you go with the "tossing em in the ocean/river/any body of water" method, please heed the words of Terry Pratchett and wrap the body in chickenwire first; its a civic politeness, really.
Also, if its a fresh kill, toss em into a freezer; it helps screw up the time of death when you thaw em out time later.

Fill your deep freeze. Barbeque all next summer.

I'm not even gonna try to be funny or witty and top jackspades22's post. That was just brilliant. And creepy.

*Puts Jackspades22 at the top of his DO NOT FUCK WITH list*

Nobody panic, I stole that from here.

Aw, should have cited it.

As nothing in this world is ever perfect, JS22's proposed methods, while all worthy, have the one flaw of you keeping the body (or parts thereof) around your home for a fairly lengthy period of time. If there's any reason for the authorities to suspect you of murdering the victim (past animosity, etc.), they may discover it ina search.

If the guys from Quantico don't catch him first he will dead in an explosion for trying the last method.

Which brings us to this guy.

If you're gonna kill a bunch of people, why keep the bodies at home? John Wayne Gacy buried 27 (I think) of his victims in the crawlspace, but he intended to pour a layer of concrete over them to seal them off. But Sowell just stashed them throughout the house, like Kendall Francois and Harrison Graham. I never throw anything away either, but this is ridiculous.

lol

If you know a pig farm, and can trust the guy who owns it just have him feed the body to the pigs. They will eat and digest all of it, even the bones. Just remember to remove the teeth beforehand as the enamel will keep the teeth protected through the digestive system of the swine.

A friend who knows some people in the London criminal underworld told me of this and to avoid pork products while in England unless you are willing to risk second hand cannibalism.

Eh, pig tastes like human anyways and British pork is the tastiest meat they have. Guess we all know why now.

The thing about Jakespades22's post is that that shit happened in Rear Window and the dude STILL got caught by James Stewart in a wheelchair. Though, he disposed of the body by carrying out pieces of the body in his business suitcase and buried them elsewhere.

SPOILERS, dude.
[Because there are some idiots out there who really would get pissed about someone spoiling a 55 year old movie...I'm joking]

A real man would grab some mustard and a fork and get to work.

Gas powered wood chipper on a boat, body parts into wood chipper, chip thrower pointed into ocean... wood chipper over the edge of the boat... and putting down some plastic is a good idea. That gets burned.

The guy that told me this has killed A LOT of people... legally.

I'm gonna go out a limb and say your friend doesn't REALLY know anyone in the London underworld and has, instead, watched the movie Snatch.

My first thought as well. But hey, it's practically the same thing!

disregard

No matter what you do you are leaving a trace. But yes, it sounds at least something Dexter will do

Tis the season. Freeze the body, wait till a Black Friday Sale (Walmart), bring it there in a wheel chair and improvise from there

You are free to think that if you want.

God, I hate that show.

I'm thinking Snatch as well. On a site full of movie geeks something that egregious isn't really going to slip by unnoticed.

Anybody know any good ways to dispose of this thread?

Get in good with a guy at a local mortuary. Load the body into the next closed-casket funeral.

I'd like to nominate a few others for disposal while we're at it.