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Originally Posted by Jcassady 
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Oh, fine. Here you go. This is written for a project we're calling The Hairdryer about British football culture. Keep in mind, this is 850 words, so apologies for the absurd length.
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Everyone who cares about soccer (football,
sorry) has a moment where the passion of the game grabs them and doesn't let go.
Mine came during the month of fun known as the 1994 World Cup. While people in England were probably pretending the game didn't exist, those of us in America caught the bug, at least for a few weeks. As with most international events, the U.S. lavished loads of media attention to the tournament, then promptly forgot about it. But some of us didn't forget, and even started to follow club teams named after animals and man-made disasters.
Every four years, though, my fellow sports fans come back and pretend to care about the game, at least while games are on network television. Not only am I in London during the event, this time we actually play England! I couldn't be more excited to read stories from the British media about how Wayne Rooney's going to win the Golden Boot one week, and then the same writer's going to blame his missed penalty in the quarterfinals on those vuuvuzelas South African fans use the next. It's going to be
fantastic.
(After putting up with the British media for a year, I'm never,
ever uttering a bad word about American journalism again. Well, save for Fox News.)
Anyway, as my gift to you, dear reader, I present to you ten simple rules to following the World Cup like an American. Some of this I've followed since 1994, the others I picked up along the way.
1. Buy merchandise in advance. Always important. The morning of USA-Switzerland in 1994, I was in dire need of something, anything that showed I was interested in this new game I'd only read about. I annoyed my mother enough that I was wearing a T-shirt and hat when the game kicked off. On second thought, this only applies if you're 15. Moving on...
2. Get plenty of rest. Because you know, with that six-hour time difference, watching matches in the morning is going to be difficult.
<realizes he'll be able to watch games in prime-time, since he's in London> Er... I mean replays.
3. Make sure you know one player on the team you're supporting, so that you don't sound completely clueless. In 1994, my guy was American Eric Wynalda. This year, I'm throwing my weight behind Fulham's Clint Dempsey, who also has an awesome nickname: 'Deuce'. Way better than Ronno or Crouchy or whatever lazy variant the English media throws at you.
4. Draws, inevitably, always suck. Look, I know they were down to ten men for 80 minutes and only just grabbed an equalizer in the 95th minute, but that doesn't matter! We need overtime, or else it's like kissing your sister! (Remember, North Americans never refer to it as extra time.)
5. We like it when players fight through tackles, not act as if they've been shot when the defender brushes past him. Well, we agree on this one, but keep in mind our version of football involves guys in full-on helmets and shoulder pads, so pain is necessary to win. Not flopping around for 30 seconds hoping that the ref buys it.
6. Read up on the sport, then pretend you know what you're talking about to friends who aren't familiar with the game. Or, as I like to call it, How To Get A Job in American Sports Media. Think the fellas at BBC and other networks are bad? ESPN hired a baseball announcer to be their main play-by-play man in 2006. Whatever you think of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray, they will at least provide coherent analysis for those watching in America this time around.
7. Prefer your extra-time format as the sudden-death variety. The king of extra-time is ice hockey. A fast-paced sudden death period beats the pants off of another interminable 30 minutes. There are still people in Vancouver recovering from the heart problems the Olympic final gave them. Sure, medical bills were high, but it made for great theater. Tell your friends FIFA needs to reinstate the golden goal, and soon.
8. Get used to not winning the tournament, and claiming moral victories along the way. Erm... wait, you've got that one covered. Never mind.
9. Place far too much importance on an event that happened before you were born. Damn, you're familiar with that too.
10. Lastly, there are other sports out there. They deserve your love, too. Part of the reason Americans don't care about the World Cup is that we have other sports that take our attention away from it. For example, when the US and England face off on June 12, both the NBA Finals and NHL's Stanley Cup Finals will be in full swing. By the time the tournament ends a month later, the NFL is ready to start and no one will care about what happens in Johannesburg. Go out and catch a cricket match instead of reading about Everton's first full day of training, and you'll see how we do things in America. You'll feel better, too.
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