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The Worst Book You've Ever Read

post #1 of 217
1/8/10 at 3:20am
Thread Starter 
I'm ashamed to say it, but Victoria Gotti's "This Family of Mine" was worse than "Going Rogue," and by worse, I mean "possibly a contender for the worst book of the decade, maybe since Mein Kampf or Atlas Shrugged."

Basically, it's 300 pages of trying to make you feel sorry for John Gotti. Everytime she talks about what a hard childhood he had, or how his dad beat him and his mom tried to kill himself, or his son got killed*, or the church was mean to him, or the neighborhood was rough, I wanted to go "Yes, but it's JOHN GOTTI, murderer."

Ugh. Your turn.

*She basically admitted in People that she told her dad to kill the guy who killed her brother, too.
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post #2 of 217
1/8/10 at 3:27am
Quote:
Originally Posted by RathBandu View Post
I'm ashamed to say it, but Victoria Gotti's "This Family of Mine" was worse than "Going Rogue," and by worse, I mean "possibly a contender for the worst book of the decade, maybe since Mein Kampf or Atlas Shrugged."

Basically, it's 300 pages of trying to make you feel sorry for John Gotti. Everytime she talks about what a hard childhood he had, or how his dad beat him and his mom tried to kill himself, or his son got killed*, or the church was mean to him, or the neighborhood was rough, I wanted to go "Yes, but it's JOHN GOTTI, murderer."

Ugh. Your turn.

*She basically admitted in People that she told her dad to kill the guy who killed her brother, too.
(This is hyperbole, but still the worst book I read this decade. I expect stuff like Dan Brown to be bad)

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post #3 of 217
1/8/10 at 3:31am
Eh, John Gotti didn't murder civilians. I have no problem with mob guys killing mob guys.
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post #4 of 217
1/8/10 at 4:47am
Well, except for that neighbor that ran over his son by accident. Oh wait, Wikipedia says the Gotti's were in Florida at the time. Yup... nothing to do with that murder!
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post #5 of 217
1/8/10 at 4:58am
I'd have killed that guy too if I were him.
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post #6 of 217
1/8/10 at 5:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by devincf View Post
I'd have killed that guy too if I were him.


I was going to say The Historian or A Seperate Peace, but Heartsick is probably a better choice. Did you know there's like three sequels already?
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post #7 of 217
1/8/10 at 5:15am
The worse book I ever read was a Richard Laymon novel. I bought up my hate for him recently in a thread and was reminded of just how awful the fucking thing was. I read another soon after just to make sure that I wasn't wrong, and he was really that shit.
I was right.
Can't remember the title. I've blocked it out from my memory like a horrible rape at the hands of a family friend or something.
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post #8 of 217
1/8/10 at 5:47am
I once read a book by the infamously bad English novelist Jeffrey Archer called 'Honour Among Thieves'. It was about a plot by Saddam Hussein trying to wreak vengeance on America by stealing the declaration of independence, and then burning it on live TV.

I was young, but it remains one of the great shames of my life. I'm sorry.
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post #9 of 217
1/8/10 at 6:25am
Mein Kampf.

My history teacher challanged us to make it all the way through the book, no extra credit just a challange. I did finish it but my god is it a terrible book.
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post #10 of 217
1/8/10 at 9:09am
Dan Brown's Deception Point.

Couldn't even finish the damn thing. Gave up at the point where the hunky marine biologist uses slapstick to defeat an evil four man Delta squad. I never touched a Dan Brown book since.
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post #11 of 217
1/8/10 at 9:47am
I read one of those Jason X tie-in novels once on a whim. A quick check of wikipedia would leade me to believe it was "Death Moon". It was essentially unreadable. Just great pages of weird technobabble and made-up words. Like a really dumb Necronomicon.
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post #12 of 217
1/8/10 at 10:00am
The Dark Tide by Dennis McKiernan. Sure, I've read some bad Tolkien pastiches in my day, and I know McKiernan originally wrote this to prop up his rejected Lord of the Rings sequel. But when the first chapter reads almost word for word like the first chapter of Fellowship of the Ring? Even my lowered genre expectations weren't enough to keep going.
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post #13 of 217
1/8/10 at 10:11am
I picked some terrible stuff from Koontz (spelling?). My cousin lend me some "search for Lance of Longinus" obviously speculative crap and a weird way to explain the undercover ops from WW II. After reading Blindness I tried to read something else from Saramago and couldn't digg The Cave. It's atrocious.
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post #14 of 217
1/8/10 at 10:26am
There was also some random 80s suspense/Clancy-ripoff whose title eludes me, with a main character unironically named Dick Puller. I simply could not take it seriously.
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post #15 of 217
1/8/10 at 10:51am
I usually bail on shitty books. The worst one I actually finished was probably SUMMER OF NIGHT by Dan Simmons. Have I ever mentioned here how terrible it is?
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post #16 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:01am
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb.

I wrote a book review column for my college paper. I wanted to call it "Bring Me the Head of Wally Lamb."

They wouldn't let me.
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post #17 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:08am
I know I'll get flak for this, but I'm going with The Stand. I loved it the whole way through, until that "Hand of god comes down and magically makes everything right." ending. I'm still pissed at King for that one.
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post #18 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:16am
For me it's a tie between "The Dante Club" (how can a book about someone who recreates the Divine Comedy with real people be so boring) and "The Last Patriot" (it's like a bad Dan Brown imitation. Thanks about that.) Granted I never finished either, so maybe they redeemed themselves. My policy is if I go 100 pages and still don't are, I put the book down and move on.
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post #19 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:22am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd View Post

I was going to say The Historian or A Separate Peace
What did you find awful about Separate Peace? I remember enjoying it when I read it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by seacup_79 View Post
For me it's a tie between "The Dante Club" (how can a book about someone who recreates the Divine Comedy with real people be so boring) and "The Last Patriot" (it's like a bad Dan Brown imitation. Thanks about that.) Granted I never finished either, so maybe they redeemed themselves. My policy is if I go 100 pages and still don't are, I put the book down and move on.
I go to page 86. If it hasn't grabbed me by then, it's 86'ed. Yeah, I'm that clever.
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post #20 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:39am
The worst book I have read in my short life is probably "Panic" by Jeff Abbott. It's a murder-mystery-thriller seriously lacking in mystery and thrill. The only mystery this book has going for it is how the fucking thing was published in the first place. I don't know how I managed through that book or why I even bothered after the first 50 pages.
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post #21 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:44am
Quote:
Originally Posted by stelios View Post
Dan Brown's Deception Point.

Couldn't even finish the damn thing. Gave up at the point where the hunky marine biologist uses slapstick to defeat an evil four man Delta squad. I never touched a Dan Brown book since.
I was having trouble thinking of my answer until this post.

Generally I try to avoid shitty books and shitty movies, but my wife was reading Deception Point in the middle of the Da Vinci craze and I just had to see. Holy fucking shit can Dan Brown not write.
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post #22 of 217
1/8/10 at 11:53am
I remember buying one of those James Patterson novels at an airport one time. I needed something to read on the plane, and the selection at the airport wasn't great. I got about 40 pages into it and stopped; I think that I read the in-flight magazine for the rest of the trip.
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post #23 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:04pm
The Bible.

The Historian

The Da Vinci Code.
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post #24 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:06pm
I'm one of those people that refuses to put a book down once started, so--needless to say--I've read some godawful books cover to cover. The two worst novels I ever read have already been mentioned: "The Historian" (how do you take the concept of mixing Dracula with "The DaVinci Code" and make it epically boring? HOW?!?) and "Summer of Night" (you warned me, Bob!).

As for other books mentioned here, Dan Brown isn't much of a writer, but I find him entertaining enough.

And I thought "The Dante Club" was enjoyable. Hell, if nothing else, it got me to seek out the actual club's translation of Il Infierno.
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post #25 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:13pm
I once read James Patterson's Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas on a dare. I made it to the end, but it was a fucking chore. Patterson's book made Nicholas Sparks novels look like Naked Lunch.
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post #26 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage View Post
The Bible.
I didn't think we'd make it 30 posts without this one.

I tried to read Eragon after a friend raved about how good it is. I read the first chapter and that was enough. I will never trust my friend on anything again.

I now have it placed in a very prominent place on my book shelf, a shining beacon of shitiness.
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post #27 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:21pm
Maybe 'Lasher' by Anne Rice.
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post #28 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakin's Dad View Post
I didn't think we'd make it 30 posts without this one.

I tried to read Eragon after a friend raved about how good it is. I read the first chapter and that was enough. I will never trust my friend on anything again.

I now have it placed in a very prominent place on my book shelf, a shining beacon of shitiness.
Well, I was forced to read it. When at 10 you see it's all bullshit, and starts wondering why people aren't worshipping the more entertaining Dragonlance, you know it's a bad book.

Never touched Eragon, knowing it was written by a 12 years old kid.


And Mattioli, I understand the pain for the Historian....

As for Brown, he's entertaining, but his writing sucks so hard that it reduced the entertainment factor for me.

And Anne Rice. Boring as shit.
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post #29 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:40pm
Another vote for Da Vinci Code here. Bailed on it after the first two chapters.
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post #30 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:51pm
Eragon was terrible, I made it 5 pages.
The Dark Tower and The Stand. I tried, I'm just not a King fan.
Congo, I was about 14 and found it boring.

Anyone here read the Running Man? I'll give it a shot.
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post #31 of 217
1/8/10 at 12:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBaseNick View Post
Anyone here read the Running Man? I'll give it a shot.
I have, and I liked it. You'll breeze through it in an afternoon. I actually really like all of those King-as-Bachman books.
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post #32 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:00pm
That's good, I thought I'll give an earlier King novel a shot.
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post #33 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBaseNick View Post
That's good, I thought I'll give an earlier King novel a shot.
Pick up 'the Bachman Books'. It collects four of his novels: 'Rage', 'The Long Walk', 'Road Work', and 'the Running Man'. RW is pretty skippable, but I honestly consider TLW to be one of the very best things that King has ever written.
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post #34 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by OCallaghan View Post
The worse book I ever read was a Richard Laymon novel. I bought up my hate for him recently in a thread and was reminded of just how awful the fucking thing was. I read another soon after just to make sure that I wasn't wrong, and he was really that shit.
I was right.
Can't remember the title. I've blocked it out from my memory like a horrible rape at the hands of a family friend or something.
I came here to post AFTER MIDNIGHT and BODY RIDES, by Laymon. In general, I actually really like Laymon's gleeful hanky-panky and extreme violence. As far as grocery store paperbacks go, I'd take THE STAKE or RESURRECTION DREAMS any day over Koontz or Dan Brown. That said, AM has an annoying protagonist and pages and pages and pages of filler. There's a 50 page section where she walks across the lawn, mentally debating about how to clean up a murder scene. BODY RIDES starts with a fun premise, and it is fun for about 50 pages, but then it turns into a weak crime novel. Tarantino had an vast impact on the '90s.

His books would've been saved if there hadn't been that '90s law that a thriller book MUST BE 120,000 words. If he had cut everything to around 240 pages, like PSYCHO, FLETCH, TRAVIS McGEE novels, and a dozen other classics, he would've been great.

The ending to the DARK TOWER series is disappointing. INSOMNIA starts out pretty great, and then deteriorates and then is just a slog.
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post #35 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:26pm
Thought of another one that I actually finished: Tom Clancy's 'The Teeth of the Tiger'. I can't fucking believe that the same guy who wrote 'Cardinal of the Kremlin' churned out this piece of shit. Pretty much everything that he's put out since 'Without Remorse' has sucked to varying degrees of shittiness, but TTotT is easily the worst.
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post #36 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage View Post

The Historian
Yeah, that book did suck.

TWILIGHT. GHOUL. THE GOLEM.
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post #37 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:35pm
The First Man in Rome by Colleen McCullough. She single-handedly almost made me hate Caesar.
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post #38 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:52pm
American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Awesome premise, absolute worst execution. How this won any awards is unfathomable. Still pissed it took me half the book to realize what a waste of time it was.
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post #39 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sebastian OB View Post
Yeah, that book did suck.

TWILIGHT. GHOUL. THE GOLEM.
Ghoul.

By Brian Keene ?
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post #40 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:56pm
Yeah, curious as to which 'Ghoul' book he's referring to as well.
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post #41 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Odd Creature View Post
American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Awesome premise, absolute worst execution. How this won any awards is unfathomable. Still pissed it took me half the book to realize what a waste of time it was.
Not saying that it's a great book (although I enjoyed it), but you've been tremendously lucky if that's the worst book you've ever read.
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post #42 of 217
1/8/10 at 1:58pm
'House of Leaves' was pretty fucking awful.
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post #43 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:03pm
C'mon. House of Leaves? American Gods? Both flawed, neither of them are the "worst" anything.

You folks aren't reading enough drek.
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post #44 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:05pm
Another vote here for "A Seperate Peace", with runner-up status going to "The Good Earth." I loved English classes in high school, but shit like this on the reading list really tried my patience. I managed to get away with the old "pay attention in class, then skim and bullshit your way to suceess" method with those two, as I couldn't make it through either one.

I've somehow managed to avoid really shitty novels in my adulthood.
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post #45 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:16pm
Wow. House of Leaves really is a devisive book. Gotta start that soon.
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post #46 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:18pm
Sahara by Clive Cussler. Some friends in high school had loved Cussler, so I checked it out from the library to give it a try. Ugh. Too stupid and poorly written to even enjoy as pulpy fun.
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post #47 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage View Post
Wow. House of Leaves really is a devisive book. Gotta start that soon.
Without derailing this thread, I consider "House of Leaves" to be too interesting of a failure to be the worst book I've ever read... if that makes any sense whatsoever (which I suspect it doesn't).
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post #48 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:19pm
I'll probably get some flak for this one, but White Noise by Don DeLillo drove me up the wall. It's one of very few books that I simply couldn't finish. My main beef was being unable to distinguish one character's philosophizing from each other. They all sounded the same to me, waxing on and on about the same crap for page after page.

Then there was the blurb on the cover that stated how funny the book was. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but I didn't see any humor...unless it was supposed to come from how ridiculously pompous and generic the character's thoughts were. It was like they all fell in love with the same 200-level philosophy class and were trying to impress their professor with mind-numbingly banal expositions on life.

And the symbolism was about as subtle as a brick. I get it. Toxic event. Fear of death. blah, blah, blah-diddy blah.
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post #49 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:20pm
Wow. Shitting on Don DeLillo.

I would love to know what else you've been reading.
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post #50 of 217
1/8/10 at 2:27pm
Little Children: A Novel by Tom Perrotta - Boring and Predictable.
Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore – Couldn’t wait for it to end.

These are both based on expectations more than anything and only really count because I finished them. I will usually stop reading a book pretty quickly if I get the feeling there is a problem.
I have probably bailed out on a few good books that I just didn’t give a chance.
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