The Worst Book You've Ever Read - Page 4

Let's get Rain Dog in here to tell us how wrong we are about the Dragon Age prequels.

Does Dave Sim's anti-feminist essay (Tangents) in "Cerebus" count as a book?

No, it's an essay.

the worst book I ever done read was this Garfield strip where he was too sick to eat lasagna but then he fooled everyone and ate the lasagna anyway cause he's fat

I'll probably get some shit for this, but the thread title is "worst books you've ever read", not "worst books that exist". I don't read movie novelizations or expansions, and I'm sure those are all terrible.

But I probably struggled through "American Psycho" more than any other book I've read. The concept is solid, but it's the most repetitive book I've ever read. Some might argue that's the point, but it doesn't make it any more interesting to read through. Long description of outfit, long description of material possessions, long description of expensive dinner, long description of grisly murder. Repeat for 400 pages or so.

I also found David Foster Wallace's Oblivion to be completely inpenetrable. Sentences that go on for a page and a half? Each short story had a decent idea, buried in 25 pages of pretentious, run-on bullshit. That was my first and last DFW book. I never give up on a book, but I came pretty close with that one.

Thanks, that'll save me some time.

I cant remember the name of the book,but it was a colection of dinosaur themed Sci-fi stories; there was a "sound of thunder" rip-off, and a story where a retarded kid with Dr Manhattan like powers ends up killing the dinosaurs by sending a soviet nuclear strike back in time.
maybe it was better in english.

I LOVE Umberto eco, but I couldnt finish "Baudolino", so i get what you're getting at.
"Neon Bible" by J.K. O`Toole was bland, but since "Confederacy of dunces" is so damn great, i give him a pass.

And I say again: if "American Psycho" and "Oblivion" are the worst books you've ever read, you have been either incredibly lucky extraordinarily selective or some combination of the two.

But, hey, more power to ya.

And Jake, this Garfield character sounds hilarious. Can you provide me with an Amazon link?

Hmm.

Whatever you do, dont heed the recomendations about a "Peanuts" series of books, its just page after page of some little bald, annoying emo kid who gets shit on by life, family and the world.
Its not very funny.

I'm still going to give Baudolino a shot, so I'm just going to assume you're terribly wrong for now, ryoken.

It's mostly due to me being selective. Movies only take a couple of hours, but given my limited free time, books can take weeks to finish (I usually read during my subway commute). And since I never give up a book once I start it, I can be picky in what I'll pick up. Strong word of mouth or good reviews lead me to throw a book on my Amazon wish list, and I'll pick it up months later when I need something new to read.

It works, for the most part. I'll usually rotate between good fiction, non-fiction, and guilty pleasure crap. For example, the last few have been The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (decent), The Last American Man (amazing), Just After Sunset (mostly crap, but not god awful), and now I'm reading the new James McManus poker book (so far, so good). Not a lot of room for crimes against literature.

I do read comic books every week, though, and there's a lot of garbage in there.

Another good "exception that proves the rule": I love almost everything Cormac McCarthy has written (Blood Meridian and All the Pretty Horses being my favorites), but Suttree was a chore to get through. Took me a couple of tries.

Its not bad, Brad, I couldnt finish it because it became a bit tiresome and I lost interest; if you're into really detailed history based novels, then you'll love it.
Also, you've just reminded me that there's an Italo Calvino anthology I havent finished in my bookshelf....gotta fix that.

I did a thread like this years ago, maybe in my first year here. I'll choose now what I chose then, INCUBUS by Ray Russell, which was turned into an equal but different kind of terrible film directed by John Hough and starring John Cassavetes.

The book is about a demon that rapes its victims to death with its huge cock. In the proper hands, this is not automatically a negative right? Those hands do not belong to Ray Russell. It's boring, the plotting is consitently ludicrous, and the twist-ending more so. Also, for a book about a demon that fucks women to death, its oddly reserved about its subject matter (the film even more so).

It was a random trade one / get one at a library so I didn't spend any money on it, but Christ, what a terrible fucking book.

As far as Star Wars books go, I thought Shadows of the Empire was pretty fun, and I never got around to reading Zahn's stuff (should I?), but yeah, the rest of them can burn for all I care.

In regards to the Dune series, I've heard Herbert's stuff actually degenerates in quality after the first book (which I've read and love); is this accurate? I plan to stay away from the current books at all costs, mind you, but I was curious to hear others' opinions about the main series.

The only essential books are the Brian Daley Han Solo novels (3 of them). They were the only books to get the characters exactly right. The Dark Horse Comics 'Dark Empire' series (two of them, I think?) were good as well. The Zahn novels featured a really strong bad guy, but that's really about it.

Has anyone gotten around to reading that new Star Wars zombie book, "Death Troopers" yet? I'm sooo tempted to pick it up at the library, as I feel it's a ripe candidate for this thread.

What? Are they fast or slow zombies? How does the Force affects them?

SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!

Yeah, all well and good; but THAT sort of talk will deprive millions of knowing the greatness of Chewbacca [SPOILER!!] being crushed to death by a falling moon...[SPOILER!!]

The rest of the Frank Herbert books are fine. I especially liked Heretics and Chapterhouse. There's more of a metaplot to them and the Bene Gesseritt seem way more human here.

Not all novelization are bad. Orson Scott Card maybe a crazy cook, but I'll defend his The Abyss novelization anyday.

Care to elaborate? You think they're all good?

For what it's worth, I thought Baudolino was fucking fantastic. One of the best books I read last year. I can definitely see not liking it, especially as it progresses in an increasingly bent fashion, but I was down with it to the end, and thought the resolution was really nice.

I've always been real partial to God Emperor. It's pretty on the nose, but I mean . . . it's the God Emperor. The Messiah Tyrant. I tend to give the whole series significant leeway, as Dune is probably my favourite sci-fi novel of all time, but I really just do not get Chapterhouse. I understand that Herbert was setting up a new plot arc, but the spider sluts did not seem that compelling an idea.

First one, no(And I've told him this) because it felt too conventional and stiff, second one he seemed to get a handle on the character and world, by the third book, he was good.

And besides, he doesn't belong in this thread anyway. You want a truly bad thriller writer? Try Vince Flynn or his clone Brad Thor.

Has anyone here read any books by John Ringo? Because I discovered this link in the comments on a post on Charlie Stross's blog, and the guy's stuff sounds, as the blog entry puts it, "by turns awesomely horrific and horrifically awesome."

"OH JOHN RINGO NO" won't leave my head now. That whole blog post is great. Particularly the excerpts. They just...OH JOHN RINGO NO!

The first of Jordans Wheel Of Time novels - just bad bad bad. I think I made it to a hundred pages.

Eragon wasn't much better, I made it about 60 pages through that.

I tried re-reading the original Dragonlance Chronicle trilogy that'd I'd adored so much when I was ten when I was 19 or so and remember them being utterly god-awful

There's so much epically shitty fantasy out there.

That said, I lasted literally three pages of The Da Vinci Code before throwing it down in disgust. Still I think I made it through about three chapters as a consequence...

I did exactly the same thing. Read one and was appalled. For some reason, gave him one more chance and though it was in fairness 'better', it was really like saying syphilis is better than gonorrhoea.

You don't really need to give a name of any of his books, just the name of the author in his case, I'd have no trouble believing how atrocious all his books are based on the random two I read.

It was breathtakingly ordinary at best. Some of the fan trailers for the book on youtube seemed to suggest much greater promise than the final product.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-ZqAymW7S4

Yeah, that's right, except the good book is book FOUR

But yeah it looks like John Ringo takes this thread

I've seen his book, but goddamn do I wanna read it now.

John Ringo rapes the thread and wins.

Wow, I've actually picked up and considered some John Ringo books. Good thing I steered clear.

The only logical way to handle that situation.

You're right...
If it had been a comet, asteroid or meteorite, I would of beeen TRUELY PISSED OFF!!

...ohhh, I see what you mean.

I usually don't finish books if I really start hating them. But one I did make it through was 'Monday Night Jihad' by former Denver Bronco's kicker Jason Elam. It's about a Linebacker for a football team who is also a former special ops solider who is called back into action to take down some terrorists. Oh, yeah he's also a super Christian who never swears or drinks. It was awful but also very funny. There is a sequel but I just...I just can't do it again. To much good stuff to take the time for the bad stuff*


*Oddly I don't feel this way about movies, I love bad movies.

I don't often give up on books, but this line from some James Patterson novel did the trick:

"She drove as fast as humanly possible. Maybe faster"

Cheers James.

I've read a brazillion crappy pop novels, but one really stands out.

James Patterson's recent Alex Cross novel Cross Country was LOL bad. I actually called the friend that loaned it to me several times to read some of the ridiculous lines to her.

"Africa! I had to pinch myself to remind myself I was really here. Africa!"

That's not an actual quote, but lines like that appear in nearly every single one of the 150 one-page-and-a-half long chapters. And the plot is even worse. Cross goes to Africa to catch a guy that killed his ex-girlfriend. Virtually every single person who talks to him or helps him or even stands too close to him gets horribly murdered. And their families. But that doesn't stop Cross, because he's Gay for Justice!

Then the bad guys, who have butchered dozens, if not hundreds of people, many just for kicks, kidnaps Cross's family but doesn't kill them, even though they keep telling Cross they are dead, so there is no imaginable reason to keep them alive.

Then the main mystery of the plot is resolved "off-screen" and we only hear about it after it is over. The end.

It reminds me of an article I once read that said if you write one page a day while you are on the subway to work in the morning, you'll have a novel by the end of the year. I'd swear that's how Patterson did it.

Brendan? It's called subtext. Patterson is implying she may be an alien. Duh!

Oh, Christ, I forgot about Brad Thor. A coworker lent me one of those books after telling me how awesome it was. I made it exactly 5 pages and gave it back. I NEVER give up on a book, but I couldn't even start that one.

The first chapter was something like, "Carefully, he steadied the scope of his rocket launcher and watched the terrorists exit the building stroking their beards, their evil turbans wrapped tightly around their terror-filled heads". I told my coworker I had too many other books to read and probably wouldn't get around to it any time soon. Then I stopped talking to him forever.

You expect a Norse God to be both a warrior God AND a writer?

Ah, I see. If I had the literary acumen to perceive the many layers that Mr Patterson was laying down, I might have been able to enjoy his master work of parallel narrative. On the one hand it has the boring, clichéd wheeze of template-thriller nonsense, but lurking underneath is the other-worldly tale of sentient extra-terrestrials with superior driving skills.

I'm changing my last name to Loki.

I had a nerdy coworker who wanted to be a cop but is too out of shape to do it. He was reading these Warhammer books, and I picked up one in the breakroom and read for a little bit.

Dammit if the few pages I read didn't contain the worst writing I've ever seen. It was like it was written by a teenager with every space war/oversized armored space marine/bland hero character fantasy thrown down on page. Everything had ridiculous names.

There's one more that I didn't read entirely, just part of a chapter that was given to me. I was looking on craigslist for the film gig ads and found one asking to adapt part of a chapter of this guy's own book. I emailed him and he sent me the selection online.

It was a rape scene, but it kept unraveling into so much more. The writing itself was awful, with phrases such as "He came at me with all the fury and unstoppable power of a freight train." I mean, that's way better than whatever was in his book. Just awful similes and metaphors.

As I kept reading I felt something was off in another way, but I couldn't figure it out. The narrator (who was being raped) just had sort of an odd point of view, like the character was reminiscing. And there was something I couldn't define that was masculine about it.

So I went to the author's website, and I saw why-all his books were gay erotica. It was some kind of gay fantasy rape scene.

I never got back to the guy.

You have to pick and choose Ringo. He collaborates a ton, and some of it is enjoyable. Some is not. I enjoy the series he co-writes with Travis Taylor (Through The Looking Glass et al). I'm decidedly 'meh' on the Posleen series.. it's ok, but it's pretty heavy handed and intricate without letting you in on a lot. Never read the "Ghost" series nor had the desire to.

That thing about Patterson though is that he subcontracts out work. So most of what is being published under his name is really someone else's work. They just put his name on it because they know people will buy it. I'm not saying it's not bad writing, or that his writing before this wasn't bad, I'm just saying it took a collaborative effort to come up with that gem.

That's just depressing. Is there nothing safe from the scourge of outsourcing? First our call centres and now our crappy novelists.
Watch your back generic pop groups, the bell tolls for thee..

I literally just now remembered the name of the book: THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD. It's almost incomprehensible, full of bizarre spellings, lack of capitalization, ETC. Its as if the author were writing in order to provide her readers with as frustrating and aggravating a reading experience as possible. Plus, the events of the novel are mind numbingly dull. Every character (as far as I was able to figure out, the impenetrable text makes determining character motivations difficult) is unlikeable.

I was forced to read it in 10th grade, and I've never really gotten over that experience. For a long time, TEWWG sullied the entire concept of reading, as far as I was concerned. With every new book I picked up, I felt this dread in the pit of my stomach that it was going to turn out to be another TEWWG and I'd have wasted 50 pages and an hour of my life before I'd figure out that I should never have started the book in the first place

It made reading very difficult.

That's your first clue it's rubbish.

It was a typo, forgive me, it's nearly 3 am here : P

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The publisher of Their Eyes Were Watching God would like to speak with you! haha


But all joking aside, what the heck? Typing with your fingers out of the home row, perhaps?