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When do you reveal the weird shit to your Significant Other?

post #1 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:04pm
Thread Starter 
The wife and I closed out 2009 with one of our favorite films, Ed Wood. Ed's girlfriend Dolores isn't comfortable with his transvestitism (and the crowd he hangs with) so she leaves him halfway through the film; when he hooks up with Kathy (Patricia Arquette) he reveals his clothing quirks to her because he likes her and doesn't want it to become an issue later on in the relationship. She considers it for a few moments, says she's okay with it, and they live happily ever after (within reason.) Kathy did stay married to Ed through thick and thin, and never remarried after his death.

I was reminded of this in the David Letterman, the transphobic comedian thread, when LisaNY said (regarding a transgendered acquaintance):

Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
She was very frightened of getting involved with a man and coming clean about who she was - she wasn't stupid about the number of transgendered women who were beaten or killed by the men they became involved with when they finally decided to tell them.
This seems to me to be the kind of thing you really want to be open about right off the bat, maybe even before you get involved with someone. Sure, you meet a nice guy at a bar and the conversation is going well and you don't want to scare him off, but do you want to risk a bad reaction if you wait a while before the big reveal? If you've developed a strong emotional connection and the reaction, even if not violent or hateful, leads to a breakup it's going to hurt and make you realize how much time has been spent on a doomed relationship.

So, when do you reveal the weird shit? Not just sexual stuff but potential gamebreakers like religion, politics, nefarious past deeds, crazy relatives/exes, etc. There seems to be two schools of thought:

1) Get it out in the open ASAP. Take the risk of driving them away before the emotional bonds strengthen.

2) Wait until the emotional bonds are strong and there's enough positive sentiment and shared experience to withstand the potential negative reaction.

I'm a huge believer in #1. I held back the crazy (not that there's much) with my first wife, and that helped hide our incompatibility until things ended in sadness and loneliness. I was open about the crazy with my second wife during our first two dates, spilling details like preferred sexual practices, hatred of humans and love of dogs, being a filthy slob, insistence on not procreating, etc., and we've been together for 12 years this year, married for 8. She revealed her crazy bits as well; our weirdnesses complement each other quite a bit, and we're tolerant of the rest. And I really think it's one of the reasons we're happy and comfortable with each other while several of our friends' relationships have disintegrated.

So, crazy now or crazy later?
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post #2 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:08pm
Before you pop the question. That's really all that matters.
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post #3 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:11pm
Crazy now.

I'm not married, but have been with the same girl for almost a year (we were best friends in high school, so in all I've known her 7 years.) I had the advantage of being a friend first, so our compatibilities (love of animals, weird love of violence, and other wacky stuff) drew us to each other. 'bout the only thing I held back was some sexual preference stuff, but I revealed it when we were getting into that portion of our relationship, so it worked out alright.

On the other hand, I knew a guy who dated a girl, they hit it off, but when they got serious, it turned out he wanted her to go to church every day it was open, and she was not into that. He also wanted her to fit into his family by changing her personality. It turned ugly pretty quick, and they broke up. So there's that.

I was friends with her, BTW.
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post #4 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JetManX View Post
On the other hand, I knew a guy who dated a girl, they hit it off, but when they got serious, it turned out he wanted her to go to church every day it was open, and she was not into that. He also wanted her to fit into his family by changing her personality. It turned ugly pretty quick, and they broke up. So there's that.
That's nearly identical to what a really good friend of mine went through. She was incredibly religious, and she threw him an ultimatum about embracing God and embracing her strict regimen of values. From what he told me, someone in her very religious family had married someone who 'faked' being religious for the first couple of years and then came out as an atheist. She didn't want to go through the same thing, so she tried to make him commit on the spot. Seeya!
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post #5 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:19pm
I don't think it's a one-answer (time)-fits-all kind of thing. I did a LOT of dating this past summer - first time since high school - so I quickly got a feel for these things.

Some quirks I got out right away, simply because then I wasn't afraid of talking about it, she would have the chance to decide if it was a dealbreaker, and so on.

For instance: I'm not a "foodie" - I am, in fact, a fairly picky eater, and I don't daydream about food or get all hot and bothered about going to any restaurant, though I do have favorites. But food is, mostly, a way to stop being hungry. Some people are really into food - cooking, tasting, sharing, experimenting, etc. - and if it's something they must have in a partner, it seems fair to get that out of the way pretty quickly. Same with kids: I have two teenagers. I have no problem dating someone with kids. But I have no desire to start all over again from scratch (and in fact can't without medical help, thanks to getting snipped 12 years ago). So I make it known that someone having kids is just fine - great, actually in some cases - but if they're looking to have more or have some at all, they'll need to move on.

I'm also pretty open about my family (it's fairly fucked up), but I'm also clear that it'll be a long while before anyone I'm dating meets my family. They won't meet my daughters unless I think it's heading for marriage.

But things like sexual preferences/fetishes/likes....that's more of a slow reveal for me. I think you can get a fairly good measure of how open (or GGG, as Dan Savage puts it) someone is without actually getting all freaky on them first.
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post #6 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:25pm
I agree with Michael, I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. I think it depends very much on the thing you're talking about, how big it is, how long have you known that person, etc. I mean, there's a very big difference between sexual fetishes and "Oh, hey, I cry like a baby over ASPCA adoption commercials."
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post #7 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
how big it is
That's fucked up.
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post #8 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nekkerbee View Post
This seems to me to be the kind of thing you really want to be open about right off the bat, maybe even before you get involved with someone. Sure, you meet a nice guy at a bar and the conversation is going well and you don't want to scare him off, but do you want to risk a bad reaction if you wait a while before the big reveal? If you've developed a strong emotional connection and the reaction, even if not violent or hateful, leads to a breakup it's going to hurt and make you realize how much time has been spent on a doomed relationship
Addressing the above, most transgendered women want to be thought of exclusively as women because that's how they see themselves. It may essentially be wrong-headed and in certain situations, dangerous (see Angie / Justin Zapata) not to reveal this to a romantic interest, but to be thought of as something other is, I think, not much of a comforting thought for anyone, regardless of circumstance.
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post #9 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil View Post
That's fucked up.
You love it, baby!
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post #10 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil View Post
That's fucked up.
But par for the course, right?
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post #11 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:40pm
Thread Starter 
And I think the subject of sexual fetishes should be broached immediately if it's important to the person. If you like being asphyxiated during sex, but it's not that big a deal, then you can wait to reveal it because it's not a crucial part of your sexual satisfaction. OTOH if asphyxia makes you come like a supernova and you think about it every day, you're going to be disappointed if your partner thinks it's icky and won't do it, and you'll look for ways to get that thrill privately, or even extra-maritally.
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post #12 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nekkerbee View Post
we've been together for 12 years this year, married for 8.

So, crazy now or crazy later?
so..................... what are you hiding from your wife that's got you all choked(or asphyxiated) up about revealing to her?
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post #13 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judas Booth View Post
That's nearly identical to what a really good friend of mine went through. She was incredibly religious, and she threw him an ultimatum about embracing God and embracing her strict regimen of values. From what he told me, someone in her very religious family had married someone who 'faked' being religious for the first couple of years and then came out as an atheist. She didn't want to go through the same thing, so she tried to make him commit on the spot. Seeya!
In my experience with my peers - I'm 22 - religion is the Big One. Two people with different politics, eating habits, etc. can get along, but two different churches or atheism/religion or casual/fanatic destroys things pretty quick.

Of course I live in Texas, and church is a big deal here. Don't know how it is in say... LA.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post
I don't think it's a one-answer (time)-fits-all kind of thing. I did a LOT of dating this past summer - first time since high school - so I quickly got a feel for these things.
Yeah, now that I think of it, my girl friends were all turned off when a guy went overboard with personal information, coming off like he was determined to find a soul mate, etc. (Again, we're all in our 20s.) I managed to avoid most of those embarrassments just b/c we started out friends first.
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post #14 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nekkerbee View Post
And I think the subject of sexual fetishes should be broached immediately if it's important to the person. If you like being asphyxiated during sex, but it's not that big a deal, then you can wait to reveal it because it's not a crucial part of your sexual satisfaction. OTOH if asphyxia makes you come like a supernova and you think about it every day, you're going to be disappointed if your partner thinks it's icky and won't do it, and you'll look for ways to get that thrill privately, or even extra-maritally.
If it's something you MUST have either all the time or most of the time, then, yeah, I can see the need to bring it up fairly early. I don't know about first date, but if everything else is looking good, it makes sense to know if this person will bark like a dog while you lick their toes. Not that I'm into that or anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JetManX View Post
In my experience with my peers - I'm 22 - religion is the Big One. Two people with different politics, eating habits, etc. can get along, but two different churches or atheism/religion or casual/fanatic destroys things pretty quick.
I can see this being a dealbreaker...or not. Depends on the people. I'm not an atheist, but I can see being happily married to one, since I'm not evangelical or weird about people believing differently than I do.

Quote:
Yeah, now that I think of it, my girl friends were all turned off when a guy went overboard with personal information, coming off like he was determined to find a soul mate, etc. (Again, we're all in our 20s.) I managed to avoid most of those embarrassments just b/c we started out friends first.
To some degree, I think a lot of it comes down to chemistry and gut feel. The one person I dated most this summer, we ended up disclosing a hell of lot to each other within the first two or three dates - but that was based on feeling really safe with each other, and having great conversational chemistry. With the other women I dated, I was not as open, simply because "it" wasn't there and I wanted to see if I felt like there was a chance for the relationship to go anywhere (none of them did, but all were amicable, low key stoppages).
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post #15 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:54pm
During a nervous breakdown after she finds the gimp suit and dog costume stashed away in my secret hidden storage panel.
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post #16 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:54pm
To me the weird shit is the really important shit so I think it's best to get it out of the way as soon as possible. There's no point in potentially wasting weeks or months with someone you are only compatible with on the surface.
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post #17 of 52
1/11/10 at 5:58pm
In many respects, I think that it's probably more important to disclose your actual financial picture to your partner. I've known two marriages that fell apart because one of the partners entered the marriage with a ton of hidden debt/credit issues that plunged them into financial ruin.
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post #18 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:05pm
Judas is absolutely right. I just had that talk with my sig other last week (dating for about 2 months, but getting serious in a hurry). Even if your financial picture isn't rosy, it needs to be discussed so that everybody knows what the score is from the giddyup. It won't necessarily bring the relationship to an end, but honesty is absolutely the best policy when it comes to finances.
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post #19 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
During a nervous breakdown after she finds the gimp suit and dog costume stashed away in my secret hidden storage panel.
Amateur. She stumbles on that it's a baton to the back of the skull and in the basement with the others.
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post #20 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:11pm
Only a real priority if your financial situation is shitty. There's never a wrong time for "Honey, I'm fucking loaded."
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post #21 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sean Blackwell View Post
It won't necessarily bring the relationship to an end, but honesty is absolutely the best policy when it comes to finances.
Honesty is the best policy period. If you can't be open and honest with the person you are with, then odds are you shouldn't be with that person.

Dishonesty ALWAYS comes out (eventually).
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post #22 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:22pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA View Post
so..................... what are you hiding from your wife that's got you all choked(or asphyxiated) up about revealing to her?
Ha, nothing, we really spilled our guts during those first two dates. Our sex quirks are extremely compatible, we laugh about most of the same things (and can make each other laugh a lot), and we are very honest and tolerant with each other. Really as close to a perfect match as I could hope for. If I wasn't such a materialist I would say it was Fate.

I started this thread because I was surprised people wouldn't reveal the weird things, even if they've been burned before by keeping them secret.
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post #23 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nekkerbee View Post
Ha, nothing, we really spilled our guts during those first two dates. Our sex quirks are extremely compatible, we laugh about most of the same things (and can make each other laugh a lot), and we are very honest and tolerant with each other. Really as close to a perfect match as I could hope for. If I wasn't such a materialist I would say it was Fate.

I started this thread because I was surprised people wouldn't reveal the weird things, even if they've been burned before by keeping them secret.
Dang, I was hoping to hear something shocking.
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post #24 of 52
1/11/10 at 6:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
During a nervous breakdown after she finds the gimp suit and dog costume stashed away in my secret hidden storage panel.
I doubt that's a secret, Jake.
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post #25 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
During a nervous breakdown after she finds the gimp suit and dog costume stashed away in my secret hidden storage panel.
Jake, I am suffering from the affection that dare not speak its name over this.
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post #26 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:23pm
Honesty is only ever the best policy - to not come clean about the whole used-to-be-a-man thing on (or before) the first date is bullshit, it's a completely unfair way of starting any relationship and would tear you up inside wondering if they would kill your ass for keeping it from them or accept/ appreciate you for you and your honesty - at least you'd know and could move on if need be.

Fetishes are another issue, if you have a fetish that cannot be sated and you've been pretty clear about it from early on then the relationship isn't going anywhere. the advice i heard was: if they ask why you'd want to end a relationship over such a small thing, ask them why are they dead against it if it's such a small thing.
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post #27 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:40pm
Also, for some reason, every single girl I've dated has decided the third date should really be called "a pro bono therapy session." I've had girls tell me the following things on a third date:

1) She had been raped.
2) She slept with her sister and liked watching her sister have sex.
3) She let a gay couple double team her so they could "experience heterosexual sex."
4) She got into a horrible auto accident that did reproductive damage and was "thankful that we can't poison the gene pool together with a child."
5) She used to cut and tattoo herself.
6) She runs guns.
7) She had the police called on her the other day for punching a bank teller.
8) She had intimate knowledge of what a turtle's scream sounds like from killing one with a hammer.

At this point, I always bring a Valium and enough money for a decent bar bill on the third date.
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post #28 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
Also, for some reason, every single girl I've dated has decided the third date should really be called "a pro bono therapy session." I've had girls tell me the following things on a third date:

1) She had been raped.
2) She slept with her sister and liked watching her sister have sex.
3) She let a gay couple double team her so they could "experience heterosexual sex."
4) She got into a horrible auto accident that did reproductive damage and was "thankful that we can't poison the gene pool together with a child."
5) She used to cut and tattoo herself.
6) She runs guns.
7) She had the police called on her the other day for punching a bank teller.
8) She had intimate knowledge of what a turtle's scream sounds like from killing one with a hammer.

At this point, I always bring a Valium and enough money for a decent bar bill on the third date.

Was this from seven different girls, or did a few lovely ladies admit to more than one of these, um, quirks?
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post #29 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
Also, for some reason, every single girl I've dated has decided the third date should really be called "a pro bono therapy session." I've had girls tell me the following things on a third date:

1) She had been raped.
2) She slept with her sister and liked watching her sister have sex.
3) She let a gay couple double team her so they could "experience heterosexual sex."
4) She got into a horrible auto accident that did reproductive damage and was "thankful that we can't poison the gene pool together with a child."
5) She used to cut and tattoo herself.
6) She runs guns.
7) She had the police called on her the other day for punching a bank teller.
8) She had intimate knowledge of what a turtle's scream sounds like from killing one with a hammer.

At this point, I always bring a Valium and enough money for a decent bar bill on the third date.
If this is one girl, she's awesome.
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post #30 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raspberry Leper View Post
Was this from seven different girls, or did a few lovely ladies admit to more than one of these, um, quirks?
8 is from a girl I dated for a month in between sophomore and freshman year in college. 1 is my high school girlfriend. 2 and 3 are linked to my first girlfriend in college. 4 and 5 are from my first serious girlfriend. 6 and 7 are from the girl I dated after college.
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post #31 of 52
1/11/10 at 7:53pm
I just told her my username on here.
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post #32 of 52
1/11/10 at 8:06pm
I was so hoping the gun runner fucked her sister. Oh, well.
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post #33 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Miller View Post
I just told her my username on here.
If this is your weird shit, you suck! Unless you start posting pics of your junk and rating porn movies, you got nuthin'!! Wait, are you Fabfunk??
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post #34 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:04am
Also, I endorse the recommendation to be honest about stuff sooner rather than later. There will be a natural progression to topics as the relationship grows. The sex stuff always comes out first, as that is all you do early on in the relationship. The money talk really doesn't need to happen until farther on in the relationship, unless you are super broke. Politics/religion, that shit just has a way of cropping up early on. One of you will see something in the news and comment upon how immigrants should be sent home after the government siezes their assets and the fun will start.
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post #35 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:21am
Get it out in the open as soon as possible.

My girlfriend knows I'm addicted to this site and watching movies and being an all around dvd hoarder/colllector/insane nerd. She knows EVERYTHING. I'm proud to say that hasn't driven her away. Makes me lover her even more.
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post #36 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:31am
Well I just told a girl I pooped my pants at Home Depot (back in 2003 as a 24 year old) a few hours ago... it was our first date. I know it's not the "weird" type of thing you're looking for but its how I come at any girl. I get all my embarrassing moments and eccentricities out there right away and hope they find them endearing... generally they do unless they're lame. And if they are lame you do yourself a favor by scaring them off quickly anyway.

I'm not Don Juan but I do way better with the ladies than I have any right to so I must be doing something right.

EDIT: Oh and when I told here about the poop she laughed and seemed to find it endearing. The date went really well... so yeah. Even poop works.
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post #37 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:41am
Wayne Campbell says it best:

Quote:
I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Words of wisdom.
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post #38 of 52
1/12/10 at 2:07am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy Q View Post
I get all my embarrassing moments and eccentricities out there right away and hope they find them endearing... generally they do unless they're lame. And if they are lame you do yourself a favor by scaring them off quickly anyway.
That's a great way to put it.
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post #39 of 52
1/12/10 at 2:14am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ludwig View Post
If this is your weird shit, you suck! Unless you start posting pics of your junk and rating porn movies, you got nuthin'!! Wait, are you Fabfunk??
That depends, hows your pulse?

Logging on to a messageboard and spending a rather inordinate amount of time reading and responding to posts of people I have never met in real life (save for two people registered on here) is, yeah, probably the weirdest thing I do.

That and fuck the dead. But I'm not Fabfunk.
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post #40 of 52
1/12/10 at 6:27am
Not exactly weird shit, but I think my wife of 9 months has been rather taken aback by how much time I've spent at CHUD the last few days talking about Star Wars.
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post #41 of 52
1/12/10 at 10:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy Q View Post
Well I just told a girl I pooped my pants at Home Depot (back in 2003 as a 24 year old)
That's an irregular heartbeat. You need to get that checked out. In the meantime, don't kick anything.
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post #42 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
Also, for some reason, every single girl I've dated has decided the third date should really be called "a pro bono therapy session." I've had girls tell me the following things on a third date:

1) She had been raped.
2) She slept with her sister and liked watching her sister have sex.
3) She let a gay couple double team her so they could "experience heterosexual sex."
4) She got into a horrible auto accident that did reproductive damage and was "thankful that we can't poison the gene pool together with a child."
5) She used to cut and tattoo herself.
6) She runs guns.
7) She had the police called on her the other day for punching a bank teller.
8) She had intimate knowledge of what a turtle's scream sounds like from killing one with a hammer.

At this point, I always bring a Valium and enough money for a decent bar bill on the third date.
Hahaha I think maybe just none of them wanted to go for a fourth date. I mean, we all know what the common factor in all of these situations is.
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post #43 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuchulain View Post
6 and 7 are from the girl I dated after college.
I want to believe the phrase "girl I dated after college" implies you went on more than three dates. If only because going out again after a girl said she ran guns would make you either the most desperate or awesome member of the message boards.
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post #44 of 52
1/12/10 at 12:59pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timothy Q View Post
Well I just told a girl I pooped my pants at Home Depot (back in 2003 as a 24 year old) a few hours ago... it was our first date. I know it's not the "weird" type of thing you're looking for but its how I come at any girl. I get all my embarrassing moments and eccentricities out there right away and hope they find them endearing... generally they do unless they're lame. And if they are lame you do yourself a favor by scaring them off quickly anyway.

I'm not Don Juan but I do way better with the ladies than I have any right to so I must be doing something right.

EDIT: Oh and when I told here about the poop she laughed and seemed to find it endearing. The date went really well... so yeah. Even poop works.
Is she German? That could explain it.
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post #45 of 52
1/12/10 at 1:10pm
I can confirm that the phrase "I want to pee inside you" is best left for a time when you're not in the middle of having sex.
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post #46 of 52
1/12/10 at 2:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bailey View Post
I want to believe the phrase "girl I dated after college" implies you went on more than three dates. If only because going out again after a girl said she ran guns would make you either the most desperate or awesome member of the message boards.
No, it was just the three dates. The only person in that list that went well beyond the third date was the cutter who openly thanked the universe we could not have a kid together. That lasted two years, we met our families, and the like. I genuinely loved her and thought I could help her with her problems. I even offered to tag along with her for support if she went to Student Health Services for counseling. It was a two-year-long lesson in why thinking you can "fix" an essentially broken person is a recipe for bitter disappointment. (We remained friends for about a year after things ended until she started to make jokes about how toxic our relationship was, with a focus on how hilarious the pain she inflicted upon me was to her. That was that.)

The only other one that lasted beyond three dates with the sister lover. That directly followed my brother's funeral and I was kind of at the height of my self-destructive behavior. That went on for a semester.
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post #47 of 52
1/12/10 at 3:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evi View Post
I can confirm that the phrase "I want to pee inside you" is best left for a time when you're not in the middle of having sex.
Ha! It's anecdotes like these that shed light on why girls are ever into me. The competition out there isn't as strong as I imagine it being.
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post #48 of 52
1/12/10 at 7:03pm
It's never too early to be honest. Honesty is the best policy no matter what.
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post #49 of 52
1/12/10 at 7:10pm
All my shit is on a need-to-know basis. And I decide what you need to know.
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post #50 of 52
1/12/10 at 7:25pm
"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you."
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