American Idol 2010: Season Whatever

What is this? Season 9? Seacrest is still in... Paula's out. Guest judges are in for the auditions. Ellen's in after that. Simon's out at the end of the season. Kara is still clearly insane. Randy is still unintelligible. The judges will continue to mock the mentally disabled as they attempt to sing. Fame whores will do the impossible yet again and make horrible Celine Dion songs sound even worse. Creativity will be squashed. Unbridled melisma will be rewarded. All for our viewing and listening pleasure. THIS is American Idol.

Starting tonight, kids.

I thought that one dark-haired girl was pretty good. That last guy was okay too. That's about as much energy as I could muster to remember anything about last night's show. No one wowed me. Beyond waiting to see if Posh Spice's face was literally going to crack, I had a really hard time staying interested in the show. I guess the audition episodes are all starting to look the same. Hollywood week is where it gets good for me.

ETA: Yes, Diva, we need you on this journey with us.

That hot 20 year-old Simon couldn't stop ogling will make the finals. I think she sang the countrified Janis Joplin song. I was also pretty impressed with the guy who takes care of his mom and did One of Us. He has a really smooth voice.

Mary J was great last night because she has no poker face. She reacted to just about everything she saw and heard. They could have swapped Botox Spice out with a wax dummy on Monday night and no one would have known the difference.

Now get your damn pants off the ground.

I had forgotten how much I hate Shania's Twain's music until this show reminded me last night. She was pretty decent as a judge, though. I was glad to see Angela Martin, the girl with the special needs daughter, get another shot. I really liked her last year. Korean Barry White was pretty good. Otherwise, there was some serious cannon fodder put through to Hollywood from Chicago. Most of those people featured I'm sure we'll never hear from again. At least they didn't put that annoying "boob flex" girl through.

Wow. That sucks. They weren't kidding when they said this girl needs a break.

Looks like Orlando did pretty well for itself last night. The guy who did "Smile" was pretty smooth. I kind of liked the big guy who robbed a bank with a BB gun too. The other big guy with the autistic son was pretty good, but kind of bland. I usually don't care about the backstories, but this one kind of got to me when I saw him spending time with his son. Maybe because I had spent the half hour before watching the show reading stories to my two young boys and putting them to bed. Damn you, Idol.

The beatboxer was entertaining but won't make it past the first round of Hollywood week (and did Randy seriously not remember Blake Lewis?) Why the hell did they put pants-splitting guy through? And the Jersey girls? Lambs to the sure-to-be-hilarious slaughter in Hollywood.

I also have a full-blown crush on Kristin Chenoweth.

Just once I want to see a contestant get the full soft-violin-sob-story package and then not make it because the contestant sucks. Curly-haired guy at the end was pretty good. After they used his full audition in their promos talking up this year's talent, I was surprised by the lukewarm reception he got from Simon and Katy. The guy with the kid and former gangbanger parents has some potential. The male and female pastors were pretty good too.

My wife said to me last night that the show seemed off last night because they were really missing that "nice" vibe that Paula always brought to balance out the other judges. The previous guest judges have all seemed like nice and decent people (with the exception of Posh Spice who didn't seem like a person at all). Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne just do not seem like nice people. Katy's got that "Whatever!-I'm-just-being-honest!" bluntness that really needs to be accompanied by some degree of charm for the person not to come across as a total douche. Katy doesn't have that much charm. Simon does. But, at least Katy's segments were pretty entertaining. Which is more than i can say about the other guest judge. I can't imagine any reason why I would ever want to be in the same room as Avril Lavigne. She just seems like a spoiled, self-absorbed, clueless teenager. She seemed disgusted by the fact that the worship pastor (not exactly sure what that is, by the way) was married, had kids, and planned on staying involved with his church. That seemed to be the basis for her "no". Other than some eye rolling and giggling, she added nothing to the show.

But tonight we get Neil Patrick Harris. So all is forgiven, Idol.

NPH is awesome. He's witty and made good comments, but resisted making himself the center of attention. Aside from his spectacular eyebrows and apparent inability to avoid using the collective "we" even when his brothers aren't around, Joe Jonas was useless as a judge. Did he even say anything other than "yeah" the whole day?

The Whip Girl is Bikini Girl redux with the same weak vocals. And to show she is now "grown up" from her days on Barney she has to come dressed like a dominatrix with a whip? We couldn't tell that she's grown up by the fact that she's no longer a 3 foot tall 8 year-old with pigtails? Did she decide showing up in a thong with tasseled pasties would make her look a little too mature and therefore over the Idol age limit?

Tourettes guy was really good in his audition. Kind of like the girl with facial nerve damage, it's cool that even though his condition might make him self-conscious about performing in front of people, he put himself out there on such a big stage. And unlike Scott McIntyre, he appears to have the vocal talent to make you look past the physical limitations.

Was that Jason Castro's freaky-looking little brother making it through again? Will we actually get to hear him sing this year? And how many times are they going to use the "my parents are divorced" angle to garner sympathy for a contestant? Probably half the people auditioning don't live with both parents. If that's all the material you can get for a backstory, don't waste the time on the violins playing while the girl looks off sadly into the distance from her front porch. Maybe show another good audition or two instead.

I liked helium girl's singing voice, but I never want to hear her talk again. The crying karaoke girl shouted that Melissa Etheridge song till my ears started to bleed. But she makes it through anyway. Is there anyone auditioning this year who isn't a single parent?

Halfway through Hollywood Week and I had to go to page 3 of the tv forum to find this thread...

Ellen kicks ass. If this thing is going to survive post-Simon, it's not going to be on the shoulders of crazy Kara and unintelligible ("a bazillion percent yes!") Randy. Ellen livens up the show and has the confidence to speak her mind. Still not sure what she knows about music though.

After they assaulted our collective senses last year by putting one-note novelty acts like Norman Gentle and Tatiana through to the semis, I was happy to see this year's jokes like Skii Bo Ski and beatbox-while-singing guy get the axe early. But did I miss the last hipster memo on stupid glasses being "in" this year? What was up with goggles dude and bright oversized glasses girl? At least there were some really good performances, almost all with guitars. The guy who did "Straight Up" knocked it out of the park. So did my new blonde crush Janell Wheeler. She should be a no-brainer for the final 12. I kind of like that Pat Benatar-wannabe who sang "Sober" too. At least I did until last night's episode...

Ah, the manufactured drama of group night. When we get to see how all these individual singers dying to find a way to stand out would function as just another anonymous member of a Lou Pearlmanesque boy/girl band. Where the only guarantee of camera time is crying, hysterical late-night infighting followed by a performance that falls to pieces in front of cackling judges. Mary turned out to be an overbearing know-it-all and was lucky to survive while half her group got sent home. And kudos to Simon for calling out that ridiculous teenage girl on her "hardship" of having to learn a new song in 12 hours. Also, who the hell would pick that Gwen Stefani song with those rapid-fire lyrics as your gotta-learn-it-fast group number? You might get all the lyrics of a verse down. The other members of your group might individually get the lyrics of the same verse down. Now try singing all together in tune while I stab my eardrums with a pair of scissors.

I'm still willing to credit the lackluster girls' performances to nerves and the desire to play it safe to avoid the bottom 2. This week at least. That poor-man's Anna Paquin who sang Wicked Game has some pipes. Same with Bowersox, Didi, and Albino with the Feathered Earring (whose father ran the Pit of Despair). The curly-haired girl did okay. The rest were just annoying, horrible, or forgettable. The last girl managed to be all three.

The guys are really weak this year. When a straight-forward, slightly-countrified version of Heaven is the best performance of the night, you know you have just wasted 2 hours of your life. Andrew Garcia is the only guy right now with a chance to win, so long as he has something in his arsenal besides laid-back acoustic stuff. That's the sort of thing that will get me to throw a dollar in a guitar case, not $1.29 on iTunes. The young kids sucked. The Korean guy blew it, but I hope he gets another chance. Todrick(?)(!) is a great performer and 70s guy looks like fun. I hope they both stick around. Jermaine crashed and burned, but I had to laugh at his clueless "Who's Michael?" when Seacrest asked him about his issues with the band.

Girls going home: Lacey and Ashley (Seriously, is there a girl in this competition who doesn't have a stripper name?)

Guys going home: Jermaine and Alex (Who can still take solace in his men's figure skating silver medal last week).

Not a good night to be a pretty girl on American Idol. Russian figure skater got to stay and 70s guy got sent packing? That sucks. The show will be a little less entertaining without that dude (whose name I can't seem to remember).