Long-distance relationships

I've never been in a long distance relationship, per se, but I've been crazy about a few women that lived very far way. Talking all the time, chatting, etc.

Personally I don't think it's worth it, but that's just me. Recently it's come to really screw me over having feelings for someone when the distance was/is such a huge factor. Long distance relationships are really masochistic when you think about it. I just turned 32 as well, maybe it's some sort of early midlife crises bit that you have to find someone now, no matter what? I have no idea. If you're setting out to start a long distance relationship, it's worth asking yourself "why?". I've never really set out to find someone I dug online or what have you, it just happened a couple times.

Also, if you have trust/jealousy issues, take that into account as it can make things 10 times more difficult.

Not sure if that's any help at all.

The day she seems a little distant or disinterested during a phone conversation you'll start to worry that she might be sleeping with someone else.

(She is.)

I don't think I've ever heard one of these working out.

I can see going long-distance when you are already dating a person and she moves--and even then it's sort of a bad move--but I've never heard of anyone actually starting the relationship that way. It seems like a project that is designed to fail.

I can work with intentions for someone to relocate. If locations are indefinite and/or permanent, eh. Better luck next time.

That said, if either of you can relocate and are looking to do that, go for it.

From my experience even next town over relationships have a much higher failure rate. Unless you're seriously into a person I'd advise against it. And besides, until you've walked in on someone in the bathroom you're not really in a relationship.

Yeah, not worth it. Relationships are a lot of work to maintain even when you can get face to face on a weekly basis. Take that away, and your odds of success decline dramatically.

I don't remember where I read it, but there was a survey many years ago that cataloged the top criteria for determining whether people would end up in a long-term romantic relationship. Number one? Proximity.

Get some perspective.

Or a hooker.

On the ticking clock front, a good friend of mine just had his first child at the age of 42. Relax.

Truth in these words.

I've been in a couple...the only one that lasted did so because we moved in together about a year or so into the relationship.

Depends what you mean by long distance, and what you mean by working out. Me and my ex recently split up after over a year together, in a relationship that started out sort of mid distance, haha. Bout 3 hours travel to see each other, and an amount of money neither of us could really afford. It was stressful but we managed it and I relocated - the breakup wasn't anything to do with the distance, it was other issues that had been there for a long time but that we thought we could work through, and couldn't. I know it's not an overwhelming success story at all, but I do think that long distance relationships can work out, and I don't think that the distance hurt our chances at all.

Ray, buddy, WHY would you want to actively pursue a long-distance relationship? That's like pursuing failure, no lie.

I've been in two LDRs, and they were both unmitigated disasters. The monetary cost and the continued loneliness aside - because you will still be lonesome, since you'll have very little contact with this person - it's very very difficult to actually get to know someone long distance. The second guy I was with long distance, for example, only had to be on his best behavior during the odd times he saw me. After I made the leap and (very briefly) moved out to be with him, he let his guard down and the asshole that he truly was came out. If we'd been local to each other, I would have gotten to see that side to him before taking such a step. It's just a really terrible way to try and get to know the person you're trying to be with, and since you're talking marriage and a family, that's just way too important to risk. You need to be with someone you can really know fully.

As for your age, I do think you're over-reacting a bit - you're still very young. It's wonderful to see a guy who's serious about his future, but just stick to your local area and be patient. There's nothing wrong with dating sites, as I can tell you from personal experience - but don't limit yourself to just one. If you're signed up for eHarmony, sign up for Match.com as well. Or Chemistry.com, PlentyofFish.com, and OkCupid.com. I've heard of all of these having success rates for nice people meeting nice people, and I met my guy (who's local to me - I learned my lesson) on Match. So there you have it - the guy who's made me the happiest is the guy I get to see three times a week.

Long distance relationships are very hard to do, my friend, and most have more of a failure rate than a success rate.

My only serious relationship ended when we tried to do the long distance thing. It might have worked* if we had some end date in mind, some idea of when we would be together again, but it ended when I realized that I was never going to move to where he was and vice-versa.

*I've gone through quite a few 'It might of worked if...' scenarios in my head since the break-up. And even in my head they usually still don't work out.

But hey Ray, you seem like a nice guy so I wouldn't worry too much about finding someone right away. I see you're in Michigan, which is only a couple of provinces and a few states away from where I am...

Best thing to do, Ray? Don't worry about it. Hell, don't even THINK about it. Go on about your business, plan a trip, join a gym, etc. Go out and enjoy yourself solo, and don't even stress about not having a girlfriend. If you can, start seeing if there's ways to improve yourself and your life (get in shape, update your wardrobe, take some classes at community colleges, see if you can improve your job skills, volunteer for local causes, etc.) - usually doing that might attract some ladies, or put you into situations where you can meet new people.

I say this because the girl of your dreams usually shows up when you're NOT looking for her. Doing the above will make you a more attractive package and shows you've got serious boyfriend/husband potential.

Lisa's correct on the dating sites as well. Why settle for just one? Do the research, see how many you can afford, and post your profile!

You'll be fine, dude, and you'll be hip deep in love before ya knows it.

But Ray, that probably had to do with a bunch of other factors, not that they were local.

And also, one other thing about the dating sites - if money is an issue, do one pay one, and a free one or two. OK Cupid and PlentyofFish are both free (I think PlentyofFish is free - I've never been on it, but I've heard lots of good things about it). In fact, I was in touch with my now-boyfriend on Match and at the same time, was preparing to meet another guy from OK Cupid. Never did meet that other guy once I started seeing my boyfriend, though.

OK Cupid is great. I've had a couple of relationships start from there, and loads of friends/casual stuff. It's by far the best dating site I've used/considered. If you're a guy though, I think it's a lot harder. Most women on there don't send out any messages, they just sit and wait. And there are a lot of desperate guys messaging everyone, which puts women off taking a chance and replying to anyone less than perfect.

Ray.

No.

My story is perhaps slightly different, but it is at least somewhat relevant.

I had a long-term relationship that turned into a very happy marriage (we also eventually bought the family upgrade pack that comes with a PS3 and a daughter),

BUT

1) we were friends (in close proximity) before hand.

2) we were planning on getting back into close proximity as soon as possible.

3) the long distance part only lasted around 2 or so months.


I also had some friends who met online (I knew them both through another online community back in the day... ok, fine, it was an MMORPG, you got me!), and they became very good friends, and kinda started "dating" via phone calls and whatnot. Finally, they met in person, the spark was still there, and then they worked hard to find new jobs so they could be near each other. They have been married for a while now (over 7 years at least) and have at least 1 kid as well (kind of lost touch with them over the years).

I also have another set of friends (a guy I went to college with), and he was using dating sites and met someone that way. With jobs and graduate school, though, they had to separate some (and a lot of his dissertation work takes him overseas for months at a time). They have been dating now for maybe 3 years, and they are getting married this summer.

I think it is hard, and takes people of a certain temperament to pull off. There also needs to be a lot trust (which can be hard if you haven't spent much time together in person), and a willingness to do your damnedest to fix the geography issue if things are really working out.

Long distance relationships DO NOT work. You end up developing an idealized fantasy with that other person based upon incomplete data, and that fantasy can NEVER live up to the (sometime ugly) reality of actually living together. I went through one of these with someone, and it was pretty devastating to have my emotions come into conflict with reality.

Short term LDRs can work out. If she's gonna be gone for a semester, you can make it work, but that's about it.

I agree 100% with Tim: Focus on yourself and the perfect girl will find YOU.

I agree with Parker... Long distance will just make you miserable and paranoid. You may think you're above that but you're not, we all fall for it. Nekkerbee is right, listen to that man. It's happened to me so I know how much it rings true.

A long distance relationship is nothing more then a friendship with the casual sex. Hell, I'm sure you can find that closer then you think!

I met my wife seven years ago when she was an exchange student here in the states, and we had a long distance relationship for four years when she returned to Europe. Whether or not it works out depends totally on you and your girlfriend.

That said, it's certainly not an ideal situation.

See this? THIS is the only way to do it. And with all due respect to KFMM, that doesn't even sound like "long distance" the way the rest of us mean the phrase. You already knew each other from the same area, you knew while you were in that same area that you wanted to be together, and the separation part was only a very brief period of time. I mean, yeah, if my boyfriend had to move away for two months, we could manage that, because we already know each other and are in the same area. Mazeltov, by the way.

But starting off long distance when you don't know each other to begin with is very very risky. It sounds like Judas and I went through the exact situation, which - look at it this way - in order to follow through with a long distance relationship, one that's long distance from the start, you're basically taking a chance on moving very far away for a total stranger. Because you just can't get to know each other well long distance, it's almost impossible.

Been in 2 long distance relationships, they don't work.

There is a small percentage that do work though, it comes down to securities and confidence. Lot of people can't tell the difference between lust and love at times. If you truly love someone, distance will not matter, but you need a strong foundation for it to build, and being there in person really helps.

Long Distance Relationships work only in two situations:

1) neither of you really care about sex that much and/or are both isolated (or some combo of the two)

2) the distance is temporary and will end.

My one long distance relationship was miserable. I was in Orlando, she was in Long Island. Granted I was only 18 and didn't know any better, but I swear I was in love with the girl. She started fooling with my head and other people would impersonate her when we chatted online.

One time her good friend Jackie got online and told me she was in another room fucking some guy. I flipped out. At one point Jackie typed she was being raped and that she was going to go get help. The whole thing turned out to be a lie, but I was in such a mess over it.

She was fairly wealthy and lived with her parents. She had a sister that sounded just like her so I would get confused when she'd be acting weird on the phone. It didn't end well and she broke up with me and told me to stop calling, just out of the blue.

I had another opportunity at a long distance relationship a couple years ago with a girl from Germany. She was a nanny in Cleveland for a wealthy family (lots of German girls do this) and visited LA and we hooked up. Got serious for a bit, but I wasn't about to make the same mistake so I broke it off.

Im amazed no one has making a "fucking your phone/computer" joke yet.
Yup, these rarely work, far as i know and suspect.

To echo some of the advice given in this thread they only work if there is an end date in sight and you already have a commitment when the long distance part starts. I have never heard them working out otherwise.

My wife and I were apart for a year after school so I could get some seriously good job experience about eight and a half hours away. We had set a limit on when the LD part would end and it worked great. We saw each other every second weekend. Talked every night via skype. And still each managed to have a social life. Now admittedly I'm a goofy looking motherfucker so my chances at receiving offers were pretty much nil and my wife is OCD about monogamy so we're not your average test group.

I would never do it (again). I won't repeat what everyone else has said about how it doesn't work out.

I'll add that I'm also just too cynical to believe that a girl would be faithful if it was long distance-hell, that even I wouldn't just want to get out of the relationship. If I was dating a girl I felt strongly about and she was going to move, I would try to move with her. Seems simple as that.

One person in the relationship moving away seems as good as killing it. If you really want to be with someone, there's nothing that can stop you from actually being with them.

You may say that this applies to ldr's, but I just don't think if it's long distance you'll have that kind of commitment from each other.

Dating a girl ten miles away and with different schedules can be hard enough.

A Mancunian pal of mine is seeing someone currently living in Canada. They're both making a real fist of it and no potentially disruptive irritation has surfaced, to my knowledge. Good luck to them.

LDRs = awful.

I gotta add to the chorus here, they only work if there is a end in sight. I had been with my girlfriend for two years when she went away to school. We spent three LONNNNNG years apart but we both knew full well that we would be united after school ended. It did and now we live together and things are great.

I think the long distance relationship made me stronger in a lot of ways (I became more independent, grew up in a lot of ways, etc) but I still wouldn't recommend it to people.

Thanks!

Quickly re-reading my post, I did leave out one thing.

We went from friends to dating less than 24 hours before we weren't going to see each other for a while. That made it rougher, but certainly not anything like starting a relationship where you've never (or barely) met the person before.

This.

Sadly, pretty much all my relationships prior to getting married have been long-distance. There's always been a radius of at least 50 miles where the people who've actually been attracted to me seem to dwell. If you have the money and patience to make it work, good on you. But without a goal of closing the distance, that relationship has a ticking clock.

And if you are planning on closing the distance, whoever ends up making the move better know for damn sure that it's not JUST for you. One of my relationships nearly ended on the basis that Albany sucks, so much so that staying in Jersey seemed like the better choice.

It also helps when one of the parties wants US citizenship.

I've been in a semi distant relationship for almost a year now. We make it work by seeing each other every single weekend. It's a 5 hour trip and we each travel twice a month.
Yes, it's a pain in the ass. Yes, it's fucking expensive. Yes, it's fucked during the weekdays. But we try to accommodate as much as we can. I switch work shifts around to maybe once a month stay a couple of extra days at her place, she spends her vacation time with me and so no. And the base of it is that we love each other.

If the distance was longer and we couldn't see each other as much, it wouldn't work at all.

Yeah but it's still a long process, getting married is not the easy fix. But it sure helps.

Spent six years in one. Don't even consider it. I don't know if I could take being apart from a girlfriend, etc. again longer than a month or so because of relocating or something. I wish I could get four years back.

As someone who has tried (and failed) at the LDR, I suggest you don't give it much thought. It only ends in pain, heartbreak and a weakened bank account.

I'm a bit late to this discussion (as usual), but I thought I'd chime in with my two cents. I'm involved in a long distance relationship right now (though that is changing in less than a month, as I'm relocating temporarily), and it's been working out quite well for both of us. We're both quite happy with how things have been progressing, and between instant messenger, email, and Skype, the distance hasn't really been all that much of an issue. So long as you both are committed to making it work, you probably can.

May I ask how you dealt with the huge distance for 4 loving years?

I'm leaving China in 2 months after living here for 4 years, and I'm worried about my girlfriend, who, if I didn't have to go back home to get a new degree (if I knew then what I knew now!), I probably would've ended marrying the following year. I'm looking at 2 years minimum away from her, and though I trust her, I don't know if she'll be as rock solid in her trust to me (which she shouldn't worry about, but she's the slightly jealous type). It's gonna be a hell of a strain, and a 12hr time difference is gonna make it even harder for us to just keep in regular contact. Sadly, in the recesses of my mind, I know it's inevitable, but damn, this is a good girl, and I'd feel sorry for her more than anything if we broke up (not because I'm some a big douchebag who thinks he some wonderful catch, but because she's 3 years older than me, and by China's traditional mores, should've been married 5 years ago. She has all kinds of pressure from her family to marry... anyone. She hates the mere thought of being put on a blind date with some random guy her mother picks out).

So, long story short, I could use any of your advice!

Also... I can say something to address this misconception. Here in China, most girls don't want your country's citenzenship. I know that might seem really odd to Americans, but trust me on this. They want to be able to travel to your country, but (most) do not want to live there. They want to live here where your higher-than-average salary affords them a comfortable life, bragging rights, and the ease of sending the kid abroad to study once he's of age. The Chinese are very, very nationalistic. They know if they go to the US, they're going to be on a much lower rung of class, and here its all about 'face'. That's just my take on it, I've dated a lot of girls here, been in 2 real relationships, and I can say, that's a big misconception. They don't want it for themselves, they just want the benefits it carries to have you and your citenzenship.

There has to be an end date. You need the light at the end of the tunnel.