Bed-Warmers...Wait, what?

I keep my home at about 68 Fahrenheit. I have a skinny friend who visited recently and said 68 was freezing, and demanded a blanket. The blanket was also deemed too cold to huddle within, and he insisted on running it through the dryer for several minutes before enshrouding himself. Some people are wacky.

But this? This is beyond. This is special.

Quite the contrary, my friend. Just the other day I was at a Holiday Inn for some bullshit seminar and let me tell you. There were numerous members of the staff that I wouldn't mind warming up my bed.

double post

QFT.

And there is a very logical and obvious next step to this service, which would make the $200 a night rooms well worth the price.

He was a pioneer.

there is a LOT of cosmetic physical enhansement surgery on display in that photo.

A prof in one of my history courses in college told us that slave owners in the antebellum South used to have slave children sleep at the foot of their beds under the blankets, & referred to them as "belly warmers". I never knew whether I believed that, and the idea was rather creepy, so I've never wanted to find out, really. Thank you Holiday Inn, for making it that much more plausible.

Seriously, though, that has to be the easiest job in the world, no?

That just confuses me and raises so many questions...

I do like that they at least admit there's no logical reason to use human bed warmers rather than hot water bottles or electric blankets.

I think it's important to be aware that your batshit crazy ideas are indeed batshit crazy.

Unacceptable.

This is pretty much the most horrible thing I've ever heard.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love when my bed is toasty warm... I even employ the use of a electric blanket (or "heat blanket", as I call it*) to achieve that effect. I'm no stranger to hot water bottles either. Though, since I became a fan of MAN VS WILD I tend to walk around the house with one clutched to my chest rather than keep it in bed to warm up my feet. Bear says this is the best way to get heat from a bottle. He was talking about peeing in your water bottle at the time, but I'd assume the same applies to hot water bottles.

So yea, a cold bed sucks

But the idea of someone else skulking into your room to lay prone under your covers is the stuff of nightmares.

I am already a bit of a germophobe ever since I watched THE AVIATOR a bunch of times last year, and the assurances of the HOLIDAY INN PR lady that the bed-skulkers would leave behind no "hair" behind does little to asuage my fears


"Come in with the milk.... and stay the fuck out of my bed"

Hair is the least of your worries when you have other people spending time in your sleeping-area


For example...

These things live in people's eyebrows, and I'd like to see how Holiday Inn proposes to deal with a menace so tiny they literally are invisible



Hotels/motels already give me the creeping willies, so the idea of hiring someone to sleep in your bed after the sheets have (ostensibly) been changed is absolutely stomach turning.

It's like hiring someone to eat off your plates after they've been through the dishwasher, so that when you put your food on them there won't be any traces of detergent left

My hands and feet are usually inexplicably cold, but even I would rather burrow a snow cave to spend the night** in than to let a stranger foul my own bed.

YUCK

As I wrote this, I told my mom about the article. She said it sounded like something out of the middle ages, that a Lord would order his serfs to do before he hit the hay (which back then was probably actual hay, crawling with insects)

So the idea that Holiday Inn UK thinks this will fly in 2KX is kind of a shock.



*I call it this to confound my family whenever I refer to my electric blanket


**

Bear checks his snow cave for signs of Holiday Inn employees

Given the biased nature of the human race, i wonder if you can pick the "flavor" and "shape" of your bedwarmer.

There is a rational basis for doing it this way. If you used heated water bottles, you'd eventually need to buy new water bottles. Electric blankets drive your electrical bill and also eventually wear out. However, forcing your cleaning staff to assume yet another responsibility and roll around in beds at shit pay bears none of these setbacks.

And all this time we thought it was just us she was having so much fun confounding.

If that's the case, I prefer my bedwarmer to be Christina Hendricks shaped and flavored. Matter-of-fact, I'd also prefer my bedwarmer to remain in my bed as I sleep, just in case I catch a slight chill during the night, or I awaken to a chilly morning.

"Mr Timothy, those arent pillows!"

Come on, you opened that door.

Haha, you have no idea.

I am way stranger around my family than I am around other people I know. I like to discipline myself by coming up with quirks and rituals, and then stick to them as if my life depended on it.

Plus, it's amusing to me.

I tend to do this only around my family because they're related to me and thus have a harder time getting fed up with my eccentricities

For example, whenever I'm in the car with my dad and he says "here we go", I reply in a high pitched imitation of Mario "Here we go!", usually followed up by "Yahoo!" or "Thanks a very much for a playin' my game". This never fails to confuse him, as he has no idea what I'm talking about.

Or sometimes when I want someone in my family to come look at something, often I'll say "Come, come, look, look here, look" in an imitation (complete with accent) of the old arab scholar from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (I also do this one around my friends though because most of them get the reference)

Another example: for the past two and a half years, I have had a strict code for any weather commentary. I stick with my code when discussing atmospheric conditions with members of my family

Like, at my job, I frequently have to make small talk about the weather, and need to come up with a variety of things to say about what it's like outside at any given moment

However, when speaking with a family member, I have exactly three comments about the weather I'll make.

1) If it's cold but not stormy, I'll say "There's a chill in the air"
2) If it's hot, I'll say "There's a heat in the air"
3) If there is some sort of precipitation (rain/snow/thunder) or it looks like there is about to be some, I'll say "There's a storm a brewin'"

I started my weather code on a lark, to see how long it took my family to catch on to the fact I was only saying those phrases. The answer? About a year and a half, before my mom exploded one time after I said "There's a chill in the air".

Now they're used to it, I'm doing it just to see how long I can keep it up. It's kind of comforting in a way, to not have to think of weather small talk and just be able to draw from prepared remarks



*I have not picked up a tails-up penny off the ground in at least 5 years... I know it's silly.. but why risk it?