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Adoption

post #1 of 19
2/1/10 at 11:53am
Thread Starter 
Do any chewers (or their family members) have experience adopting a child? Insights appreciated. What I've gathered is that it can be an expensive, grueling process (just like having kids of your own).
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post #2 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:11pm
One of my cousins adopted an adorable little girl from Guatemala. I think the total cost came to $20,000+, and it took about 11 months for everything to be finalized. The girl had been in an adoption facility form birth, so she had some issues when she first joined the family (she couldn't talk or walk until well after a year old), but the results have been fantastic for them.
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post #3 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:24pm
I don't know a ton of details, because I don't really know the people involved. But my best friend's BIL's sister (see why I don't know them?) adopted a little girl from Russia a couple of years ago. They got the child, but they got fleeced along the way. They spent the $20,000 that AD mentioned in his post, got jerked around for a year, then spent another $20,000 or so to go back again to finalize things and actually bring the baby home. They cleaned out a big chunk of their savings to get this little girl. They have her now, she's been a part of the family for a few years, so she's doing fine, and it's all legal - they were smart enough to get really good lawyers in place. But from what I was told regarding some foreign adoptions, some of these areas and orphanages are so impoverished, they'll tend to drag the adoptions out to try and get more money for the orphanage. They do truly want to get the kids adopted, but they're so broke, they're also trying whatever means necessary to get some money for their facility before giving the kids up - if that means bleeding some of the wealthier prospective parents in the process, they'll do it.
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post #4 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:36pm
It's also cute as hell to see a little Guatemalan child walking around barefoot with a family of hillbillies.
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post #5 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anakin's Dad View Post
It's also cute as hell to see a little Guatemalan child walking around barefoot with a family of hillbillies.
Are you saying she's taking a step down by coming here? Or she just blends?
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post #6 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:39pm
It's probably a lateral move. But, she gets more love and attention than any child I've ever seen (which can't be helped, she's as cute as a button). Some of our favorite pictures are of her "holding" our girls, grinning ear-to-ear.

EDIT to add:

Also, they said they decided to go with a foreign child due to the "screwy" American adoption system. They wanted a young child to raise, and they didn't want to wait 5+ years for the system to clear them.
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post #7 of 19
2/1/10 at 12:47pm
My wife and I looked in to it when we were told that I was azoospermatic. We talked to couples who had adopted and with various agencies and finally decided that it wasn't for us.

I think the big thing is the emotional up and down that couples talked about. A majority of them would get to a certain point in the process only to have the whole thing fall apart. It was either because the mother had changed her mind or there was some problem with foreign paperwork. It's heartbreaking and can be very expensive. (I read Lisa's story above and am amazed that her friends were only out $40,000. It can get as high as $100,000)

The other issue we had included having no say in pre-natal care in private adoption or, in the case of government adoption dealing with a child with emotional/mental issues (often FAS or FAE).

I'm not saying there aren't wonderful stories (Dan Savage's book about adoption, "The Kid", is a great read. But you'll have to be open minded about a gay couple adopting a child) out there about adoptions but we found the risks not worth the effort.
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post #8 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~ View Post
A majority of them would get to a certain point in the process only to have the whole thing fall apart. It was either because the mother had changed her mind or there was some problem with foreign paperwork. It's heartbreaking and can be very expensive. (I read Lisa's story above and am amazed that her friends were only out $40,000. It can get as high as $100,000)
If I recall, I think that's exactly what happened to my friend's in-laws - they got to a certain point when they almost had her home, and then something got majorly stuck in the process. I'm not sure what, but I think it was the foreign paperwork problem. When it looked like it wasn't going to happen - $20,000 already spent, and no baby - they got on a plane and went back, worked it out, spent another $20,000, and then finally got her home. But all told, I think there was about a full year of foot-dragging in between the two monetary transactions.
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post #9 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaNY View Post
If I recall, I think that's exactly what happened to my friend's in-laws - they got to a certain point when they almost had her home, and then something got majorly stuck in the process. I'm not sure what, but I think it was the foreign paperwork problem. When it looked like it wasn't going to happen - $20,000 already spent, and no baby - they got on a plane and went back, worked it out, spent another $20,000, and then finally got her home. But all told, I think there was about a full year of foot-dragging in between the two monetary transactions.
That's incredibly shitty. It's tough enough waiting nine months while your zygote grows to a baby I can't imagine if suddenly the baby decided they wanted to wait another year to show up.
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post #10 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:27pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the info. Definitely sounds prohibitively expensive for an average middle class couple.
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post #11 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:33pm
Note: some larger companies do have adoption benefits where they'll pay towards adoption expenses or even direct you to someone who can help in the adoption process. Depending on places of employment (or even possible places of employment) it can imagine that might be helpful. I know I've seen stuff about it on my company's benefit website.
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post #12 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Augustine View Post
Thanks for the info. Definitely sounds prohibitively expensive for an average middle class couple.
It does seem daunting. The wife and I have decided that, once the girls are grown and we are a little more "financially stable," we're going to look into adopting a child with dwarfism. Hopefully, the system can get a good overhaul in the next 10-20 years.
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post #13 of 19
2/1/10 at 1:53pm
A lurker pipes in:

We adopted two girls from China many years ago. It is a long experience and there are quite a few hoops to go through - maybe all parents should be evaluated before having a child?

Once we turned in the paperwork and made it through the waiting, however, it was absolutely smooth and well managed. No surprises. No last minute changes etc etc. We went with an extremely well run agency that's based out of China. I'd rather not spill all the details here - not that's its not savory but to be more discreet with such information - but if you are interested send me a PM.

I am biased about my girls but they are both healthy, wonderful and intelligent young girls. Every young girl (or occassional boy) that was in out travel groups was healthy and relatively well cared for.
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post #14 of 19
2/1/10 at 2:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by toongoon View Post
A lurker pipes in:

We adopted two girls from China many years ago. It is a long experience and there are quite a few hoops to go through - maybe all parents should be evaluated before having a child?

Once we turned in the paperwork and made it through the waiting, however, it was absolutely smooth and well managed. No surprises. No last minute changes etc etc. We went with an extremely well run agency that's based out of China. I'd rather not spill all the details here - not that's its not savory but to be more discreet with such information - but if you are interested send me a PM.

I am biased about my girls but they are both healthy, wonderful and intelligent young girls. Every young girl (or occassional boy) that was in out travel groups was healthy and relatively well cared for.
My girlfriend's sister and brother-in-law did this, and their daughter is kickass. Obviously they're great parents, but she's the first kid I've met that makes me actually entertain the idea of having a kid. Adopting, obviously. I don't need to taint this universe with my accursed seed.
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post #15 of 19
2/1/10 at 2:15pm
I have no insight into the adoption process itself, but I was adopted at birth. I just wanted to mention that I am the luckiest guy on the planet that my parents jumped through all the hoops to adopt me way back when. Not only was I brought up by parents who were filled with love and devotion, but I also dodged a bullet and did not end up stuck with a parent who did not want me or raised by social workers in a home (not knocking the efforts of those social workers).

If you and your partner have so much love to give, and it hurts you both that you don't have a child to give it to, ADOPT. It will not matter how difficult the process is. Adoption will be worth it for you.

If adoption only sounds interesting to you, and you think might be up for it, the process might be too cumbersome and expensive for you. Just spend some time soul searching to see how strongly you and your partner really feel about adding to your family. Best of luck!
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post #16 of 19
2/1/10 at 2:59pm
Tangential question - no, first a disclaimer. I'm asking this out of genuine ignorance/puzzlement, not dickishness.

What's the draw/reasoning for going international for adoption, rather than staying stateside? Is it economics? Difficulty in finding a child in the age range desired?

Again, please don't get me wrong. All adoptions are just awesome, great acts. Bringing a kid into a home with loving parents (or parent) from a less-than-fortunate circumstance is something to be lauded, wherever all parties originally hail from.

I just tend to be a "think globally, act locally" kind of guy - so I tend to get puzzled when folks are going to China or Latin American for children, when we seem to have a surplus here at home. And the operative word is puzzled - I assume there are reasons for it, I simply don't know them. This isn't a criticism or finger-wag. It's an honest request to clear up ignorance.
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post #17 of 19
2/1/10 at 4:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post
Tangential question - no, first a disclaimer. I'm asking this out of genuine ignorance/puzzlement, not dickishness.

What's the draw/reasoning for going international for adoption, rather than staying stateside? Is it economics? Difficulty in finding a child in the age range desired?

Again, please don't get me wrong. All adoptions are just awesome, great acts. Bringing a kid into a home with loving parents (or parent) from a less-than-fortunate circumstance is something to be lauded, wherever all parties originally hail from.

I just tend to be a "think globally, act locally" kind of guy - so I tend to get puzzled when folks are going to China or Latin American for children, when we seem to have a surplus here at home. And the operative word is puzzled - I assume there are reasons for it, I simply don't know them. This isn't a criticism or finger-wag. It's an honest request to clear up ignorance.
Part of the problem, at least in Canada, is that kids in the foster care system have so much wrong with them that it takes a very special person to adopt. The other issue is, as metioned above, is that if you are doing a private adoption the mother has the right to withdraw from the contract at any point.

Actual orphans are very rare in NA but fairly common in developing countries so there's rarely worry about parents backing out.
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post #18 of 19
2/1/10 at 6:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~ View Post
Part of the problem, at least in Canada, is that kids in the foster care system have so much wrong with them that it takes a very special person to adopt. The other issue is, as metioned above, is that if you are doing a private adoption the mother has the right to withdraw from the contract at any point.

Actual orphans are very rare in NA but fairly common in developing countries so there's rarely worry about parents backing out.
Hadn't thought of the scars of foster care making an impact, but that makes sense.

And the parents backing out also makes sense. I can't imagine waiting for months or years for a child...only to have the child denied because someone changed their mind. It would be heartbreaking, to put it very mildly.

Thanks for the clues/reasons.
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post #19 of 19
2/1/10 at 9:22pm
Well. My sister and her husband adopted their son about 7 years ago. It wasn't a particularly long or painful process. They filled out the paperwork, got the background checks, attended parenting classes, etc. I think the entire process from start to finish was a little less than a year.
They didn't want an infant, and they had their pick of at least three toddlers all at once. By law, they had to be foster parents to him for awhile, before beginning with the adoption proceedings.

Over the next couple of years, they've been approached by the agency to adopt other babies and toddlers, including the biological newborn baby sister of their son, who was taken from the mother shortly after birth. They declined all times.

None of the babies had any problems, no learning disabilities, no drug addictions. They were just black/mixed.
Not to mention that the biological mother of my nephew is a white woman (black father). So really, he and his siblings (there were eight of them) probably could have been placed in any family.
If I didn't have a my work cut out for me with my own autistic kid, I would adopt in a heartbeat. But Mia Farrow, I am not.
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