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Little Moments That Make You Want To Kill People With Your Bare Hands

post #1 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:14pm
Thread Starter 
-If you unironically ask the question "Who is John Galt" during a time of introspection.
-Using your unbearably loud speakerphone while in a tightly packed, enclosed space. Like a bus, for example, especially one populated by people who couldn't give less of a fuck about your friend's audition.

Go!
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post #2 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:17pm
Whenever anything has to be done with any amount of urgency and someone says "Run, Forrest, Run."

Goddamn it, I even kinda like that movie, but it's been over fifteen fucking years.
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post #3 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:23pm
Students who can't read simple instructions on a homework assignment and who, instead, choose to concoct a whole other assignment based loosely on what's on the piece of paper in front of them.
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post #4 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:31pm
When you are having an argument via telephone with someone and the other person hangs up. I want to strangle them with the phone cord.
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post #5 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:32pm
Pretty much every moment, but that's just me.
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post #6 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:34pm
People sitting on buses who convenientely ignores a heavily pregnant woman standing in the front and who look offended as you call them "retarded" (my way of calling out on their bullshit) for doing so.

Happened again this morning. At least my insults made the fucker who was sitting on the seat designed for a pregnant woman or disabled person stand up in shame*.

FUCK.
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post #7 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
-Using your unbearably loud speakerphone while in a tightly packed, enclosed space. Like a bus, for example, especially one populated by people who couldn't give less of a f**k about your friend's audition.
I don't know how it is over in the States, but here I frequently encounter people who listen to music that way. It sounds like crap, it's obnoxious and the perpetrator invariably has a horrible taste as well (usually it's either crummy eurohouse or a high-pitched r&b derivative). On more than one occasion I've just asked those people to turn it off, and listing the above as the reason why I asked it.
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post #8 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:40pm
People that say "That's funny" instead of laughing.
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post #9 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:46pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mangy View Post
People that say "That's funny" instead of laughing.
A crime so heinous, they based an entire Scrubs episode around it!

I can't stand when people go to pay for something anywhere and are on their cell phones, oblivious to the cashier. Been on the receiving end of this so many times when I worked at a gas station, that I found various ways around it (blaring the stereo, helping the people in line behind them, making my own phone call, etc.) but it's just so rude. And while I kinda get it if maybe you're in a hurry and were already on the phone (still rude, though), I actually had a guy walk up and start his phone call - actually dialing the damn phone - as he started putting stuff down on the counter.
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post #10 of 204
2/2/10 at 1:56pm
Quote:
Zooey:

Students who can't read simple instructions on a homework assignment and who, instead, choose to concoct a whole other assignment based loosely on what's on the piece of paper in front of them.
This, and for the win.

What makes it even tougher not to kill is the little bratty ones who refuse to answer the carefully laid out instructions, particularly on exams, and you just know the complaints and parent-calls are coming if you fail them.

Anger!
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post #11 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:05pm
When the "I DO Have Bad Taste" thread gets bumped.
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post #12 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:08pm
When you speak with a student's parents to help prepare the student to enter college, and the parents call THEIR PARENTS to ask what they should do to help the student (or how to fill out a form).
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post #13 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
-Using your unbearably loud speakerphone while in a tightly packed, enclosed space. Like a bus, for example, especially one populated by people who couldn't give less of a fuck about your friend's audition.
Or in an office while using a desk phone. Especially when the person they're talking to is in the same area and also on the speakerphone. So I hear both sides of the conversation amplified to a ridiculous level.
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post #14 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Coombs View Post
I can't stand when people go to pay for something anywhere and are on their cell phones, oblivious to the cashier. Been on the receiving end of this so many times when I worked at a gas station, that I found various ways around it (blaring the stereo, helping the people in line behind them, making my own phone call, etc.) but it's just so rude. And while I kinda get it if maybe you're in a hurry and were already on the phone (still rude, though), I actually had a guy walk up and start his phone call - actually dialing the damn phone - as he started putting stuff down on the counter.
Oh man, a thousand times this. I used to work at a deli and this would happen on a daily basis. The worst was that they wouldn't suspend their conversation to tell you what else they wanted, their conversation is far more important than the fifteen other people waiting in line. I almost got fired once for moving to the next customer and then telling the pissed off guy on his phone why I had done so. Shockingly rude people seem to despise being called out on it.
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post #15 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:13pm
People who when they board a bus have to fumble through their purse or handbag for five fucking minutes, looking for their tickets. Hey lady! You knew you were getting on the bus beforehand. You didn't suddenly materialize inside. Taking your damn ticket ticket out before boarding doesn't require that much thought.
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post #16 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Coombs View Post
I can't stand when people go to pay for something anywhere and are on their cell phones, oblivious to the cashier. Been on the receiving end of this so many times when I worked at a gas station, that I found various ways around it (blaring the stereo, helping the people in line behind them, making my own phone call, etc.) but it's just so rude. And while I kinda get it if maybe you're in a hurry and were already on the phone (still rude, though), I actually had a guy walk up and start his phone call - actually dialing the damn phone - as he started putting stuff down on the counter.
I encountered another version of this just the other day. Stopped off to get some ice cream on the way home. There's a guy in front of me with his kid. He places his order, and while it's being made, he gets on his phone. "Hey, I'm getting some ice cream, you want anything? Okay." Then he proceeds to give an entirely new order on top of his original one. So while THAT'S being made, he gets on the phone again and has the same exact conversation with someone else, and adds THAT to his order.

He finally got his stuff and left, and when the server asked me what I wanted, I said, "I'm just gonna wait a minute and make sure he doesn't come back with another order."
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post #17 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:20pm
Parking is tight and busy around the school:

- People who decide they're in such a hurry that they pull into the parallel spots IN THE ONCOMING LANE and then pull out in a hurry without checking both shoulders.

- People who leave 2/3 of a car length between themselves and the next car when parallel parking.
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post #18 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Dickson View Post
Or in an office while using a desk phone. Especially when the person they're talking to is in the same area and also on the speakerphone. So I hear both sides of the conversation amplified to a ridiculous level.
To that end, when people feel the need to speak ten times louder than normal simply because they're using speaker phone. I can hear you douchebag, you don't need to yell at me.

When people drive ten miles an hour UNDER the posted speed limit. You're a road hazard and fuck you.

When people use little stars or other symbols to censor swear words. We know what the fuck you're trying to say - man up and say it. F**k isn't somehow magically better than fuck. Get over yourself.

And this isn't necessarily universal, but when people try to be cute and yank the cigarette out of my mouth. I don't care if you're Jesus - if you reach up and snatch my cigarette away I will spend the next couple of seconds seriously fighting the urge to stab you in the face.
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post #19 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:29pm
People who don't have enough respect for the person on the other end of the phone call (typically a nagging wife) and proceed to chat away while in a public restroom.

If a few background flushes don't do it ("Oh that? Nothing honey?") I'll pretend I'm on my own phone call and loudly exclaim "Hang on, I'm in the middle of taking a massive shit, lemme call ya back!"
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post #20 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:31pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Coombs View Post
I can't stand when people go to pay for something anywhere and are on their cell phones, oblivious to the cashier. Been on the receiving end of this so many times when I worked at a gas station, that I found various ways around it (blaring the stereo, helping the people in line behind them, making my own phone call, etc.) but it's just so rude. And while I kinda get it if maybe you're in a hurry and were already on the phone (still rude, though), I actually had a guy walk up and start his phone call - actually dialing the damn phone - as he started putting stuff down on the counter.
It's becoming more and more common to see signs saying that the cashier has the right to refuse services if you're on your cell phone. The Liquor Store in my town has one and the book store I used to work at had one. I've seen people get pissed when the clerk refuses them service until they hang up while the clerk just smiles. It was awesome.
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post #21 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:39pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post
-If you unironically ask the question "Who is John Galt" during a time of introspection.
I went to Savannah, GA for New Year's this year. On the drive up AND back, there's a fucking billboard(s) on I-95 that says, "Who Is John Galt." I'm so pissed I didn't stop and send a picture to Nick.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Bodhisattva View Post
Oh man, a thousand times this. I used to work at a deli and this would happen on a daily basis.
My favorite local deli has a sizable sign at the counter: "No Service if you are on a cellphone. Please finish your call before approaching the counter."
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post #22 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGButler View Post

And this isn't necessarily universal, but when people try to be cute and yank the cigarette out of my mouth. I don't care if you're Jesus - if you reach up and snatch my cigarette away I will spend the next couple of seconds seriously fighting the urge to stab you in the face.
Someone tried to do this to me when I used to smoke. I warned him the next time I would turn my head enough so that he got a nice little burn for his efforts. He tried again, and I burned him. He didn't try it anymore.
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post #23 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:43pm
What? People actually try to take the cigarette out of someone's mouth? Why?
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post #24 of 204
2/2/10 at 2:46pm
"I see you're babysitting your little girl today. How nice!" No, lady, I'm the primary caregiver so I'm not 'babysitting'. Why don't you take your 1950s values and go fuck yourself?

"Huh, huh, where's her mom?" Dead!
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post #25 of 204
2/2/10 at 3:03pm
-Aggressive drivers. Agressive drivers in BMWs * 1000.
-People who honk because they think you're taking too long to turn out of a driveway into traffic. Sorry, I'm not endangering the lives of my kids so you can get where you're going 30 seconds sooner.
-People who won't stop trying to talk to me when it's blatantly obvious that I'm reading/working. Leave me the fuck alone.
-My mother-in-law's habit of plugging the main drain in the kitchen sink for no reason, causing me to have to stick my hand in cold, dirty water to unplug it before I can rinse my own plates/wash my hands/etc.
-When people arrest a bunch of old men for smoking a little pot: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100129/..._willie_nelson Leave Willie alone!
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post #26 of 204
2/2/10 at 3:10pm
Thread Starter 
I quit smoking (again! I'm doing so well!), but if someone was dumb enough to snatch that sweet, glorious cancer-stick out of my mouth I'd laugh at them while they got burned.
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post #27 of 204
2/2/10 at 3:15pm
If you start smoking again Jake I'll come over and punch you hard enough to make your lungs part of your anus.
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post #28 of 204
2/2/10 at 3:16pm
Anytime a bartender puts Bourbon, Scotch or Tequila on ice when it's asked for "neat".

Do it second time, and I'll tear out your lungs through your throat, strangle you with them, and ship your blue, bloated corpse to your mother for Valentine's day.
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post #29 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:02pm
Knocked up women on FB who must chronicle and analyze every single wave of nausea, and every drop of amniotic fluid. Stop spamming the world!
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post #30 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan S~
It's becoming more and more common to see signs saying that the cashier has the right to refuse services if you're on your cell phone. The Liquor Store in my town has one and the book store I used to work at had one. I've seen people get pissed when the clerk refuses them service until they hang up while the clerk just smiles. It was awesome.
We need to implement something like this at the doctor's office where I work. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to check someone in while they're on the phone. I mean, you're in a doctor's office ferchrissakes! Do you think perhaps the lady behind the desk might need your undivided attention for two or three minutes to help make sure your healthcare doesn't get fucked up? I used to completely ignore people until they hung up.
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post #31 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CocoaSugarbaker View Post
Knocked up women on FB who must chronicle and analyze every single wave of nausea, and every drop of amniotic fluid. Stop spamming the world!
Just as bad - people who just met someone and have to talk about how frequently they're fucking. I had one person who did this and I defriended them after two days.
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post #32 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:15pm
People who speak in Internet slang in real-life.

As saying LOL and OMFG out loud. If you're not Alec Baldwin, you deserve to be punched, raped and killed.
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post #33 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahLynne View Post
We need to implement something like this at the doctor's office where I work. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to check someone in while they're on the phone. I mean, you're in a doctor's office ferchrissakes! Do you think perhaps the lady behind the desk might need your undivided attention for two or three minutes to help make sure your healthcare doesn't get fucked up? I used to completely ignore people until they hung up.
The lady at our liquor store just stares at them while the line behind the person on the cell phone gets longer and longer. It becomes an awesome display of conch stealing right before they kill Piggy.
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post #34 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:22pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martin Savage View Post
People who speak in Internet slang in real-life.

As saying LOL and OMFG out loud. If you're not Alec Baldwin, you deserve to be punched, raped and killed.
Also, "fail".
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post #35 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:24pm
People who say "Praise the Lord" instead of "Hello."

It's real.
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post #36 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
People who say "Praise the Lord" instead of "Hello."

It's real.
Nope.

:: plugs ears ::

LALALALALA...

re: cell phones. People do this to librarians, too. Certain librarians that you may or may not know have caused rather sizable scenes when undergraduates have started texting mid-reference interview.
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post #37 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:28pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
People who say "Praise the Lord" instead of "Hello."

It's real.
No. I refuse to believe this.
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post #38 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:30pm
When I'm driving, and someone up ahead desides to turn in front of me at the last second. They watched me coming from two blocks away, but they wait until they can see the whites of my eyes before they make their move.

Also, people that think it's okay to drive without some sort of auto insurance.
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post #39 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:31pm
It's not so much the Praise the Lord part, its that they've completely abandoned hello, hi, hey, howdy EVERY other way to greet a person.

Oh, and here's something fun: Part of my job involves leaving a lot of messages on a lot of answering machines. In the South. So a lot of said machines have about three minutes of Gospel music or Bible verses before they actually get to "Please leave a message."

Here's one that scared the shit out of me.

"The child did pleasure himself, so, according to scripture, the child's thumbs were removed, and thus, the child did not sin again. Please leave a message."
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post #40 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:40pm
I use the city bus. Without fail, the one new guy with a load of questions about the route and schedule and which bus to take always skips to the front of the line to get on. Can those of us who know where we're going get the fuck out of the snow? Please right goddamn now?
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post #41 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eyeball Kid View Post
-My mother-in-law's habit of plugging the main drain in the kitchen sink for no reason, causing me to have to stick my hand in cold, dirty water to unplug it before I can rinse my own plates/wash my hands/etc.

I swear to God when I read that my brain heard "Draining the main vein". That would be much, much worse.
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post #42 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:45pm
People who can see your eating your lunch and yet still hover at your desk waiting to ask a question.
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post #43 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:49pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken Savage View Post
People who can see your eating your lunch and yet still hover at your desk waiting to ask a question.
And who will inevitably say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm interrupting your lunch," but then go on and keep talking anyway.
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post #44 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:51pm
HA!
Telephone conversation when I used to be a loan officer:
ring ring
Some Guy: "Praise the Lord!"
Me: "Umm...hi...I'm trying to reach Mrs. so and so..."
Some Guy: "Ok, just a minute".
Long Pause...
Some Woman: "Praise Him!"
Me:"....I think I have a wrong number."
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post #45 of 204
2/2/10 at 4:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
People who say "Praise the Lord" instead of "Hello."

It's real.
I can confirm this. Very popular when answering the telephone. You look like a fire breathing whore if you don't respond in kind.

Also used in place of "congratulations" when good news is delivered.

"I got a new job!"

"Praise the Lord!"

Edit: What Chris said.
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post #46 of 204
2/2/10 at 5:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by CocoaSugarbaker View Post
I can confirm this. Very popular when answering the telephone. You look like a fire breathing whore if you don't respond in kind.
I like to think that "Shout at the Devil!" is an acceptable response.
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post #47 of 204
2/2/10 at 5:11pm
"Allahu akbar" would work as well.
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post #48 of 204
2/2/10 at 5:13pm
Random phone calls in spanish. Random texts in spanish.

Pan handlers on the metro.

Loud drunks.
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post #49 of 204
2/2/10 at 5:43pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd View Post
"The child did pleasure himself, so, according to scripture, the child's thumbs were removed, and thus, the child did not sin again. Please leave a message."
If I didn't live in The South myself, I'd call bullshit.
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post #50 of 204
2/2/10 at 5:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by joeypants View Post
If I didn't live in The South myself, I'd call bullshit.
This has never happened to me once. I call bullshit.
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