Tales From The Crypt

Was the Morton Downey Jr. episode in the first two seasons? Because that guy was nutty.

Well, I want to read that. And maybe rent a couple Tales from the Crypt episodes. That Morton one was excellent. I really liked the David Warner and Tim Curry episodes as well.

I love that Arnold Schwarzenegger of all people directed an episode. Was one of my favorite shows back in the day, but I don't really remember anything specific about any of the episodes. I always liked the Crypt Keeper character though.

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The opening for this show is so great. The visuals, the score -- even if the episode that followed wasn't the strongest, that intro always put you in the right mood.

Like many anthologies, the episodes of Crypt were pretty hit or miss. However, personal favorites from the show were:

Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone - Joey Pants has a cat gland implanted in his body and gets nine lives to cheat death. Pantoliano is great in this one and the episode has one of the better twist endings of the series.

The Thing from the Grave - Miguel Ferrer. Teri Hatcher. A pissed off zombie. Written and directed by Fred Dekker.

Television Terror - Considering this episode had Morton Downey, Jr. as the lead, I'm still surprised at how well it turned out.

Strung Along - I'm a sucker for creepy dolls or puppets and Kevin Yagher, who created the Crypt Keeper puppet for the series, does a good job directing this one. Plus, it has Donald "Singin' in the Rain" O'Connor in it.

i always thought this show was far better than people gave it credit for or was expecting. For what it was which was a pulpy horror anthology a lot of the episodes were surprisingly well-written and directed with major talent. Yes there were misses as with any anthology but when it was great it was rally great.

Also i will always defend Demon Night which I love. Bordello of Blood not so much but I love Demon Night.

by the way this is a great idea

We never had HBO for long periods of time, but this was one of those shows I loved as a kid. I look forward to your reviews. Is it sad to say that Crypt Keeper at 14 led me to watch Oz on HBO (and its a miracle I am not mentally deranged)?

Loved this show as a kid and now. It's certainly got its fair share of clunkers, but there were some great eps. Ones I was always partial to include "And All Through the House," "Cutting Cards" with Lance Henriksen and Kevin Tighe, and "The Ventriloquist's Dummy" with Bobcat Goldwaith and Don Rickles. But I could name favorite eps from each season all day, no doubt.

The best thing about this show often was the actors they got to appear in each episode. While few, for me, could top Curry's crazyness in "Death of Some Salesman" I think my favorite cast just might be "The New Arrival" with David Warner, Zelda Rubenstein, Twiggy, and a goofy little cameo by Robert Patrick (his scene essentially ends right during the credt for "And Special Appearance by Robert Patrick")

I think it's also important to note the cultural impact this show had in spawning not one, but two children's tv shows. The Tales from the Cryptkeeper cartoon and the Secrets of the Cryptkeeper's Haunted House game show.
Completely agree. I was watching Demon Knight just last Monday. Love it. Some top quality Zane, there.

There was a great episode involving Demi Moore marrying Vincent Schiavelli because a gypsy told her he was going to come into a lot of money, which was, I believe, based on a John Collier story (horror comic writers seem to have loved ripping off Collier--even the original "Little Shop of Horrors" was clearly based on Collier's "Green Thoughts"). And another episode featuring (and, I think, directed by) Michael J. Fox involving a man trying to fake his death and having it backfire on him. Both were among the best episodes and got me hooked on the show--I was always a little disappointed that so few episodes had the same tongue-in-cheek attitude as those two.

It seems like, when the show first launched, it was trying hard to be a gritty, noir-tinted horror show like some of HBO's prior anthology shows--I remember they had one called "The Hitcher" which seemed similar to the early TFTC episodes. As TFTC went on, it became more its own thing, developed a better sense of humour and higher production values, and started featuring big celebrity cameos. I liked that version better.

That is another good episode called Dead Right. However, the guy Moore marries is actually Jeffrey Tambor in a fat suit and makeup.

They didn't do too many truly gritty ones. The weird David Morse western one comes to mind. Maybe that Brad Pitt vs Raymond J Berry one, although I can imagine that being pretty goofy on revisiting. The Steve Buscemi Roger Daltry one is maybe gruesome enough to kind of smack the funny away.

I remember watching the Black Christmas like episode when I was very young. it was great and got me into the show, but even at that young age I never thought it was gritty at any point. Macabre, gruesome, and highly stylized among many other things but never gritty.

I think I watched it right before i went to bed and it freaked me out a little.

The reason these two were so different is because they weren't intended as episodes of Tales. They were for a FOX pilot to a Tales spin-off called Two-Fisted Tales (also an EC comic) which would be more pulp-action than horror. Instead of the Crypt Keeper the stories were introduced by a crazed gunslinger played by Bill Sadler. FOX aired it once and that was that. So they wound up just reairing them as episodes of Tales from the Crypt.

Would love to see those Bill Sadler segments again.

Holy great! Ah, what might have been.

I can still recall my brother and I hanging out one night when FOX ran the promo just before it aired. The voice-over guy proclaiming "From the people who brought you LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD, and 48 HOURS..."

We though we hit the motherload. But it was one and done.

The other Two-Fisted-Tale was a Zemeckis/Ackroyd/Kirk Douglas/HENRIKSEN ww2 episode called "Yellow".
I guess early 90s Fox audiences weren't ready for the sheer amount of star power on display.

That's the other one I was thinking of too.

Which episode do you remember being the shittiest? I say the one where Harry Anderson plays a nebbishy cartoonist whose sketches become real and eat his shrewish wife!

I watched "The New Arrival" last night, pretty damn creepy. Little kids in emotionless white masks = nightmarish. Can't help but think the reveal of what was behind the mask let it down. Less is more.

Cutting Cards is still far and away my favorite episode I've seen. Need to rewatch the series though.


Also perusing the Netflix descriptions, there's a fucking Timothy Dalton episode where he hunts werewolves!? Holy. Fucking. Shit. I need.

But there's a twist!

It's actually two twists. The first is one of the best the show ever did, and the second is one of the stupidest. And this show did not want for stupid twists.

I can't believe how many of these I remember on reflection. Time to change the netflix queue.

Great first entry, Patrick.

Like, oh, I don't know... the "my parents are vampires?" one?

Pretty sure this show devolved into absolute garbage rather quickly. Am I misremembering or is this a whores and old buildings type deal?

Have you gotten to the Cryptkeeper origin episode yet?

I'm looking forward to this, what, article? Why not aim for all seven seasons? There's only a hundred and twenty or so episodes. Including the one where Bill Paxton plays a thug that loves butter.

I'd be curious to see Patrick take on that Zemeckis episode where he uses some of that fancy Forrest Gump money to bring Humphrey Bogart back to life, but I'm fairly positive that was a later run episode.

Netflix?

I remember the CGI for that being stiff when it aired. It must look downright horrible now.

Ok, so here's the deal. This thread got me to throw some Tales from the Crypt onto my queue and now they've finally showed up. They put me in a nostalgic reverie, and now I'm going to try to pick up the mantle Patrick once held. So I'll be blogging about each episode I watch, using the loose format Patrick put in place. I pm'd Patrick, and he might return to finish seasons 1 & 2, but I'll be starting with 3. So lots of Crypt for you then.

Loved to Death 3.01

What Is It?

A nebbishy screenwriter fantasizes about the mean-spirited sexpot across the hall in his shitty Hollywood apartment complex. The creepy super gives him a love potion, and it works too well.

Who’s responsible?

Andrew McCarthy is the nebbish, Mariel Hemingway is the sexpot, and Brit character actor David Hemmings is the super. Directed by Tom Mankiewicz, and written by his cousin John. Tom’s a writer that worked on Superman 1 and 2 (Donner connection!), some shit Bond films and Dragnet. Typical of the kind of folks Crypt hired, but nothing too exciting.

How is it?

Eh, it’s all right. I had near perfect recall of this one, and watching it now, I can’t imagine why. It’s a standard ‘be careful what you wish for’ yarn. Almost zero gore, which is unusual for Crypt, but they make up for it with the tits and ass of Mariel Hemingway.

The dorkiness of McCarthy’s character isn’t blown up to ridiculous heights, as per the usual Tales from the Crypt stuttering freak with taped up glasses and pocket protector, and some the business surrounding him is kind of fun. He’s got an enormous It’s a Wonderful Life poster on his wall, and the faces of Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed morph into him and Hemingway occasionally. His porno fantasy is a 50’s Leave It To Beaver cliché, but with fucking on the kitchen table. And even in his fantasies, he’s uncomfortable with sex and touching.

The ending is really the only thing worth a damn here, though any metaphysical creepiness is undone by the goofy execution. McCarthy, fed up with the love-potioned Hemingway’s constant desire for sex, tries to poison her, fucks it up, and kills himself. Then he wakes up in Heaven, only to meet up with Hemingway, who threw herself out the window to meet him in eternity. Having read the original EC comic, I’ll give credit to the show for upping the ante at the end by giving Hemingway a mashed up post-death face, but the shoddy makeup makes her look like she just has a black eye and paint on her teeth. Regardless, the real offender is Heaven itself, which is exactly what you’d expect Heaven to look like in an elementary school play. Tacky zip up white robes, fog machine, white spots on a black background for stars. Capped off by McCarthy’s slow-mo ‘Nooooo’ to the camera, it’s all too risible for anything but a laugh.

Does It Hate Women?

Interesting question. On its face, this almost demands to be a pro-feminist story. McCarthy is unable to attain Hemingway, and is in fact scared of her, so he uses magic to manipulate her into being his personal vagina slave. Not only does the material scream to comment on gender politics, it’s been done succesfully before in Stepford Wives. But Crypt is having none of that. Hemingway is a selfish bitch, and McCarthy’s early attempts to romance her are undone more by her haughty superiority and whorish ways than by his hamhanded attempts to connect. Also, once she’s love-potioned, she stops having even her rudimentary bitch persona, and becomes merely a comically overbearing irritant to McCarthy, and he decides to off her in what feels like about 36 hours. The part where’s she’s being raped through brainwashing is elided.

Worth Noting:

David Hemmings does nothing of note here. His biggest contribution is that in the comic book drawing that opens every story, his grizzled British face sits atop a baby Cupid body.

What’s the moral?

'Sex with Mariel Hemingway might seem like something you want, but in truth, it’s a exhausting nightmarish ordeal from which death is no escape', or 'be careful what you wish for'.

Worst Crypt Keeper joke:

'He ended up in a state of Holy Deadlock.'

Grade: C

Carrion Death 3.02

What’s It About?

An escaped convict gets chased through the desert by a cop and a vulture, which represents ironic deathfate.

Who’s Responsible?

Kyle Maclachlan plays the convict and the writer/director is Steven DeSouza, who wrote fucking Die Hard 1 & 2, Commando, The Running Man, Hudson Hawk, and 48 Hrs. That’s just great. More recently, he’s been up to Gotta Catch Santa Claus. What the fuck?

How Is It?

It’s really good. One of the best of the series, maybe. I didn’t get this at all when I was a kid, but the episode is one big spaghetti western. It’s two guys stalking each other in the desert. There’s practically zero character development beyond cop vs robber. The giant vulture appears to each of them, and they yell at it. They take turns screwing each other over. It’s kind of like two versions of Tuco chasing each other. It’s even got terrible ADR.

Maclachlan is enjoying himself, hamming it up as a sort of James Dean rebel version of Ted Bundy. Instead of dialogue, there’s just a bunch of big expository declarations, usually directed at the vulture. And it’s really damn gory. The shit that happens to Maclachlan at the end eschews any particular karmic angle and goes for just horrifically awful. Of all the fucked up deaths on Tales from the Crypt, this one stands tall. And the low budget effects actually make it worse.

I’m really struck, revisiting the show, how little time or money they spent on these. They clearly just threw them together. It resulted in some shitbag episodes, but the aesthetic suits the material.

How’s the Woman Hate?

There are zero women in this episode, but they do go out of their way to make it clear Maclachlan hates women and particularly enjoyed killing them. It’s mostly there to make sure we know Maclachlan is a super bad guy, but it is sort of uncanny.

The Moral?

Don’t be a serial killer?

Worst Crypt Keeper Joke
“Cook ‘em, Dano!”

Grade: A-

This MUST continue.

Damn it, you all realize this thread is going to make me break down and pick up the box sets (which I see are under $20.00 on Amazon).

The Trap 3.03

What's It About?

A drunken abusive lout bullies his wife and brother into helping him fake his death to collect on a life insurance policy.

Who's Responsible?

In rare starring role, pre-bloat Bruce McGill plays the asshole, his wife is played by Teri Garr, and Bruno Kirby is the brother. Michael J Fox directed this one, and plays a lawyer at the end who makes a very long speech. It was written by Scott Alexander, who, with his writing partner Larry Karaszewski, pulled off some kind of biopic hat trick in the 90s, writing Ed Wood, the People Vs Larry Flynt, and Man on the Moon.

How Is It?

Better than it plot description, but not by a lot. The entire conceit of this episode is that it's got the most predictable story arc imaginable. Garr and Kirby are going to hook up and kill him for real. Once that's established, they spend most of the episode subverting the expectation. Kirby beats McGill with a fire poker, but it's just to knock him unconscious for the police. The coffin McGill's contained in almost gets thrown in the mortuary furnace, but then it doesn't. It's the best thing in the episode, and while I probably wouldn't call it masterful, it plays with expectations pretty well. Until the end, when it finally does happen, just in a more convoluted fashion than necessary.

The most interesting thing is the weird, archly stilted dialogue and tone. Most of the time, the dialogue on Crypt wasn't quite as broadly off the comic book page as here. The script is peppered with so much wacky 1940s gangster talk that everyone sounds pretty much like they're acting in Guys and Dolls. Characters say things like "You gotta pay me that money now, see!" The music has a sort of Hanna Barbera vibe to it as well.

The acting, like most acting on Crypt, is large. McGill easily surpasses everyone in size, bellowing pretty much every line. He's also the most fun. This came out the same year as The Last Boy Scout, and that's about the wavelength he's playing at.

What Of the Women Hate?

Not so much. Teri Garr is portrayed as kind of an idiot, but so is everyone else.

Worth Noting

-The tropical island set that they came up with looks like the lobby for a tanning salon. Not quite as bad as Heaven from two episodes back, but close.
-In bit roles, the villain's mother from Kindergarten Cop and the principal from Back to the Future (Fox/Zemeckis connection).
-Fox does a decent job with the storytelling, but he does a terrible job lighting and dressing Teri Garr. She looks fucking haggard in this.
-Like the last one, it originated in Shock Suspenstories rather than one of the horror rags. The only difference I can tell is there's no supernatural aspects in Shock episodes.

The Moral?

If you're a hateful bully, don't repeatedly give your victims the ability to kill you, because they will eventually nut up and do it.

Worst Crypt Keeper Joke

"Can I interest you in an insurance policy? The benefits are great, but the screamiums'll kill ya!"

Grade: B-

Lesson I took from it: If you're going to hack handcuffs off, err on the side of other person's fleshy limb.