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Tales From The Crypt - Page 2

post #51 of 103
6/17/10 at 8:31pm
That episode... God damn. It's a shame he appears to die when he loses the eyes. I was hoping for a looney toons continuation of his bad luck.
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post #52 of 103
6/17/10 at 9:32pm
There's a time elapse shot. I think the vulture gets into his brains before he goes. As bad as that is, the hand popping off is worse.
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post #53 of 103
6/17/10 at 9:53pm
His wrist snapping off is the WORST! Ugh... What a great episode.
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post #54 of 103
6/18/10 at 2:54am
This thread rules. That's all I got.

Nice work Patrick/Arjen.
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post #55 of 103
6/18/10 at 3:28am
Cutting Cards directed by Walter Hill and starring the awesome duo of Lance Henriksen and Kevin Tighe is probably my favorite episode of the series. The two of them have such awesome chemistry. Really black comedy that works SO well.

Television Terror is creepy, especially with the score. Just a great scary episode.

Werewolf Concerto is awesome just to see Timothy Dalton go full blown into ham mode. My favorite line of his in the episode is "LET'S DANCE THE HULA BITCH!"
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post #56 of 103
6/18/10 at 9:42am
ABRA CADAVAER 3.04

What’s It About?
A bitter, broken scientist takes revenge on his younger brother for a practical joke gone wrong that changed the course of their lives.

Whos’ Responsible?
Beau Bridges plays the weirder uglier older brother jealous of his younger brother’s success (haha). Tony Goldwyn is the younger brother, and no one else of import is in it. The writer’s only other credit is as an actor for Lethal Weapon 2. The director is Stephen Hopkins, who I always thought was a bad director, Predator 2 notwithstanding.

How Is It?
The nicest thing you could say would be that it's watchable. The premise is that Bridges has murdered Goldwyn and used voodoo magic to keep his brain alive. What this means is lots of frantic Goldwyn voice over narration and lots of fisheye POV shots of Bridges’s taunting, splotchy face. The central image are these close ups of Bridges, and it’s quite unpleasant. Beau Bridges is an actor I’ve always kind of felt sorry for, but, like Oliver Platt, one I kind of have a hard time looking at. Here he’s extra greasy and lumpy, and to my taste doesn’t ham it up nearly enough. Goldwyn is a great choice to play an EC villain; he’s got that Christopher McDonald/William Atherton sneer. But he’s relegated to voice over and a little bit of Weekend at Bernie’s corpse humor, and frankly, his character just isn’t enough of a prick, especially when he’s playing opposite an actor as manifestly unlikeable and grotesque as Beau Bridges.

Not too gory, though very suggestive, and full of meat hooks and cranial saws and the like. One scene does deserve special mention: the black and white opening sequence, showing the prank gone wrong that crippled Bridges. Goldwyn has a bunch of friends pretending they’re cadavers come to life and scare Bridges, which is fine. But prior to the big scare, Goldwyn removes the sheet off a female corpse and begins fondling her breasts, and trying to persuade Bridges to join in. This means that he convinced his girlfriend to pretend she was a corpse and let him molest her in front of his brother with all their friends in the room.

The final twist is odd, in that it changes pretty much nothing about what happens to the characters or how you feel about them. Movin’ on.

WOMEN HATE?
Not really. The corpse fondling is excessive, though

WORTH NOTING
-when it comes to reductive stereotypes, Haitians get in the ass on Crypt quite a bit. Side product of the all the voodoo, I suppose.

THE MORAL?
Treat your family well, or they’ll fuck you up big time.

WORST CRYPT KEEPER JOKE:
"Wanna play doctor? Then open wide and say Aaaaaaahhh!"

GRADE: C
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post #57 of 103
6/18/10 at 9:53am
I think I'm aiming at Monday through Friday on these. I'm kind of planning on doing at least the Third Season, and then I'll see if I or anyone else is interested in Four. There's more than a few that I really want to revisit in Four, so perhaps.

Cutting Cards is often talked up as one of the great episodes, and while I like Walter Hill and love L. Henrickson, I generally have an instant hatred of Kevin Tighe, which unbalances the whole thing. I don't know if it's just residuals of how much of a fucker he was on Lost, or if, like Beau Bridges, I just resent having to look at him. Regardless, I'm so rooting for Henrickson to best him that I miss the forest for the trees.
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post #58 of 103
6/18/10 at 12:17pm
Oh man I used to LOVE this show.
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post #59 of 103
6/19/10 at 11:07am
I had no idea until I saw Never Sleep Again that this show was essentially born from the ashes of Freddy's Nightmares.
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post #60 of 103
6/21/10 at 9:07am
TOP BILLING 3.05

What Is It?
A homely struggling actor goes to murderous lengths to secure to role of a lifetime.

Who’s Responsible?
Jon Lovitz stars as the ugly actor, and Bruce Boxleitner, who’s been working constantly and yet I only know from Tron, plays his smug rival. Erstwhile Gomez Addams John Astin plays an eccentric, mincing theater director. It’s one of the only writing credits attributed to Myles Berkowitz, aka the asshole responsible for 20 Dates. Directing is Todd Holland, who I thought I recognized, but apparently just directs TV shows that some people dig, like Larry Sanders, Wonderfalls, and Malcolm in the Middle.

How is it?
Way better than I remember. On its face, it doesn’t have a hell of a lot going for it. Lovitz was probably cast as an in-joke, based on his Master Thespian sketches, and the satiric target of vainglorious Shakespearean actors isn’t something you’d expect Crypt to approach with subtlety. But it all works, though maybe less as horror and more as black comic tragedy with a karmic kicker. The ironic twist Crypt was famous for is in full swing here.

While most Crypt protagonists are clearly horrible people from the outset, they occasionally have a sympathetic, less abrasive lead who makes one bad moral call and pays dearly for it. That’s Lovitz here, and the first half of the episode is just a gauntlet of embarrassments for him. He trundles sadly from one scene to another, getting told repeatedly that his passion for acting is pathetic and his ugly face precludes him from happiness. Boxleitner plays the usual EC lead, a vain preening ass that does everything but kick sand in Lovitz’s face.

Lovitz turns out to be an inspired choice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play a character that addressed his homely looks this directly. And while he’s no Beau Bridges, it wouldn’t surprise me if Lovitz has seen his career stall in a lot of the same ways his character here has. It’s not a very polished performance, but his slumped shoulder and awkward carriage tell most of the story on their own. Also, every other name actor this season has behaved like a well cooked ham, while Lovitz, the first actual comedian, plays it bone dry serious. And it works!

The direction and tech aren’t worth a comment, but the episode succeeds, due to casting and a playful tone mixing with a little low level pathos. In many ways this is your average Crypt episode, maybe the most so far this season, but when it’s done right, the formula plays.

Women Hate?
Yeah, a bit. Three women in a row tell Lovitz he’s useless and physically unsuitable. The last is his girlfriend, who dumps him, takes the furniture, and moves in with a new man, whose name she can’t remember.

Worth Noting
-Lots of recognizable bit players. The women that abandon Lovitz are Sandra Bernhard, Louise Fletcher, and a girl I thought was Victoria Jackson but turned out to be Lucy from Twin Peaks. Also, the guy everyone mistook for Guffman plays Astin’s creepy gay sidekick
-Not too much gore, though a couple shots near the end have some potency, especially the cruel joke final shot. Others don’t. Bit of a mixed bag.

The Moral?
If you’re ugly, acting’s not for you. So tough shit.

WORST CK joke
“Get me my agent! What? He’s taking a beating?”

Grade: B+
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post #61 of 103
6/22/10 at 9:37am
Dead Wait 3.06

What’s It About?
A con artist tries to steal a famous black pearl from a banana republic aristocrat.

Whos Responsible?
James Remar is the con artist, John Rhys Davies is the rich guy, fading supermodel Vanity is his trophy girlfriend, and Whoopi Goldberg appears a seemingly benevolent voodoo nurse. Whoopi is topped billed for a cameo role. The writer was Gilbert Adler, a producer on the show. He wrote a bunch of episodes and this was his first. The oft underwhelming Tobe Hooper directs.

How Is It?
Great! When I first saw Crypt, it was as Fox reruns because my family didn’t have HBO. These were cut to shit for commercials and censors, so sometimes the gore in the original cut is really surprising. Dead Wait is insanely violent. There’s a sequence where Remar has to slice into the violently diseased chest cavity of John Rhys-Davies as his intestinal maggots crawl all across hands, viscera and organs. It’s not too good a special effect, but fucking A for effort.

The plot is more than a bit convoluted, and the first half is nothing but exposition about Remar betraying his partners, Rhys Davies being sick, Whoopi being present, the legend of the black pearl Remar is stealing, and for some reason, the growing peasant revolution in the countryside. But it doesn’t matter, because Rhys Davies is really good as a Sydney Greenstreet type and it’s a kick to see Dexter’s dad playing Sawyer from Lost. Then in the second half, the gore just goes crazy.

One of the most fun things about Crypt was that when someone famous guest starred, they usually got horribly slaughtered at the end. I was hoping this would happen with Whoopi, but she disappointed me, both by surviving and by being kind of good in it. It’s weird to see her young and not mugging. She also appears in the Crypt Keeper epilogue, which is of course an honor reserved for the biggest of stars only, and then she unleashes the obnoxious mugging.

Does it Hate Women?
Yep, lots! Vanity is the traditional EC back-stabbing whore, hitting every major beat for that archetype. And Whoopi’s angel of mercy proves to be a deranged psycho as well, though not as sexually manipulative, which is a shame.

Worth Noting
-Tobe Hooper doing something good! I mean, it’s damn sloppy, but the brief run time on these forgives a lot.
-Vanity isn’t above Nudity.
-Although the island isn't specified, it might as well be Haiti for all the voodoo and racial insensitivity on display.

The Moral?
It’s pretty much don’t trust women.

Worst Crypt Keeper Joke:
"I loved your movie, the Killer Purple!"

Grade: B+
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post #62 of 103
6/23/10 at 9:19am
The Reluctant Vampire 3.07

What’s It About?
A friendly vampire working at a blood bank starts murdering criminals on the side to keep his job.

Who’s Responsible?
Malcolm McDowell plays the nebbishy vampire security guard, lamely named Donald Longtooth. George Wendt is his bullying sexual harasser of a boss. And the vampire hunters are played by the dynamite pair of Paul Gleason and Michael Fucking Berryman.

How Is It?
Oh, it’s bad. This is an episode aimed at children. The original comics were too, of course, and in truth the whole series is damn juvenile, but this is a sub-Goosebumps level of sophistication on display. It reminded me of the Halloween specials of the 80s, like Mr. Boogedy, The Worst Witch, or the Halloween That Almost Wasn't. And while I might have been forgiving of this shit when I was in grade school, it’s a major slog now. McDowell has jokes about hating Mondays and shit. It’s awful.

McDowell and Wendt might have been better with better material, but who cares? The real tragedy is that the scenes with Paul Gleason as a disbelieving cop and Michael Berryman as a wacky vampire hunter/judge doom lookalike have so much potential and they just wither on the vine.

Does it Hate Women?
No, and it’s even progressive, casting an older unattractive woman as McDowell’s romantic foil.

Worth Noting
-It has a happy ending for the protagonist, which never happens.
-This cast is wasted on lots of bullshit.

The Moral?
There isn’t one. There’s barely a story.

Worst CK Joke:
I wasn’t paying attention. Something something, love at first bite, something.

Grade: D
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post #63 of 103
6/24/10 at 10:06am
Easel Kill You 3.08

What is It?
A struggling artist finds inspiration and profit in images of horrific violence. Soon, he’s forced to kill to keep his muse active.

Who’s Responsible?
Tim Roth stars as the artist. William ‘dickless’ Atherton plays his mysterious wealthy patron. The writer is Larry Wilson, who just before this episode wrote Beetlejuice and the Addams Family. And never anything worth a damn again. Roth’s girlfriend is played by Roya Megnot, who’s pretty good and has a nice ass. This was kind of her biggest acting job, and imdb informs me she passed last year. Unfortunate.

How Is It?
After yesterday’s goofiest vampire shtick, this is a rare dark and gritty episode. Roth is really strong in it too, delivering what might be the first legitimately good acting performance of the season. Even when asked to make broad, counterintuitive decisions for story purposes, he’s totally convincing, and manages the trick of not being boring or annoying playing a potentially obnoxious character (a pale, introverted art prick). Usually I prefer an actor to swing wildly on this show, but Roth makes realism work. Also good is Atherton, who rocks some white pants and oozes venal wealth.

The story isn’t anything new, in fact it’s pretty much the exact plot of Bucket of Blood, without the theatricality of plaster corpses. But it plays great for a while, and with the exception of one pretty hilarious jump cut (a nice old lady asks Roth to help her carry some heavy bags down to the cellar, then cut to the old lady bouncing horribly down the steps), they avoid the comedy that often came off as so tacky. It even has a relatively adult approach to sex.

But they fuck it all up in the last act. Roth’s girlfriend is hit by a car and lies in critical condition at the hospital. Only the best surgeon in town can save her, but he’s expensive. At this point the fickle twist of fate the episode has been building towards becomes annoyingly obvious, and the whole thing is revealed as a goddamn shaggy dog story. Atherton has terrific gravitas and presence and you expect him to figure into the big picture, but he’s just a tease. Rather, they throw in a creaky O Henry twist predicated on Roth loving his girlfriend, although thus far, he’s barely tolerated her. Then for the last shot, a fat cop wanders into the frame and suspiciously asks Roth if he’s a painter, which I guess implies that maybe he gets caught? Everything they usually get wrong on Crypt, they nailed here, but the stuff that generally works just doesn’t. It’s an inverse episode.

Women Hate?
Not this time, which is surprising, given the subject matter.

Worth Noting
-Considering that the greatness of Roth’s paintings is a major plot point, the prop department fucked up good here. The art is terrible

The Moral?
Murder can be a great shot in the arm for your career in the arts, as long as you exert the barest minimum of logic and self control.

Worst CK Joke
"She’s a regular Moaning Lisa!"

Grade: B-
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post #64 of 103
6/25/10 at 12:02pm
Undertaking Palor 3.09

What Is It?
Four twelve-year-old horror movie fanatics sneak into the local mortuary only to uncover a conspiracy between the mortician and the town pharmacist to boost the number of funerals.

Who’s Responsible?
John Glover plays the mortician, and the kids are played by three nobodies and Ke Huy Quan! The director is Michael Thau, who edited Superman 1 & 2 (Donner).

How Is It?
So back to the kiddie stuff then. But better this time. It’s firmly in the Ray Bradbury/Stephen King tradition of small town boys adventures combined with the nightmarish a la Something Wicked This Way Comes or IT, although that probably oversells it way too much. It’s a really light weight excursion, and the best stuff in it by far is just scenes where Glover does creepy shit to his cadavers.

The tykes are trying to shoot their own horror movie, which means some handheld camera work, Cloverfield style. It’s not a bad effect and it increases the suspense, such as it is, but it’s used sparingly when it should have been the entire episode. I get they weren’t making decisions like that back in 91, especially for low budget horror anthologies, but it would have made the episode.

Sometimes Crypt does homage, like the Maclachlan spaghetti western or Michael J Fox’s slapstick noir. And sometimes they just rip shit off, and Undertaking Palor is one of those times. The grisly corpse sucking machines make the most impact here, and sometimes that’s just how Crypt was.

Women Hatin?
Eww, girls. None.

Worth Noting:
-It’s beyond me why you cast a charisma volcano like Ke Huy Quan and then don’t make him the central character. Even the fat kid gets more to do here.

The Moral?
I never had better friends than the friends I had when I was twelve. Christ, does anyone?

Worst CK Joke?
As for the others, they all became lawyers. Must have got used tot he taste in blood. (Christ)

Grade: C+
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post #65 of 103
6/25/10 at 12:47pm
Just letting you know, these are very appreciated.
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post #66 of 103
6/25/10 at 1:01pm
Thanks. While I was hoping they might prompt a bit more of a dialogue, they've kind of been their own reward. Knowing I'll be writing something, even in brief, has actually made the show a lot more interesting to watch, and it forces me to think about it more intelligently than I otherwise might.
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post #67 of 103
6/25/10 at 3:43pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah, these are definitely great. After this weekend my work schedule should clear up and I'll be able to get more of these done as well.
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post #68 of 103
6/28/10 at 12:49pm
Mournin’ Mess 3.10

What Is It?
While a serial killer murders the local homeless population, an alcoholic reporter stumbles across a mysterious philanthropic group’s connection to the case.

Who’s Responsible?
Steven Weber stars and Rita Wilson plays the head of the philanthropic group. The always welcome Vincent Schiavelli shows up as a bum. The writer/director made Dr. Giggles!

How Is It?
One knock on Crypt was that it was usually the exact same basic plot structure: A selfish cad commits some kind of moral trespass to get ahead, only to find he lacked one crucial piece of information that results in his grisly demise. And it’s a fair point, it could be said of about half the episodes I’ve watched so far. But rarely is it as prototypical as in Mournin’ Mess. There’s no great ambition on display here, beyond filling an episode quota. I seem to have hit the coasting plateau of the 3rd season, though Zemeckis and Hill episodes are just around the corner.

That said, I like the Crypt formula, and if anyone approaches their work with panache, it’s still entertaining. Here, Weber is the only one that really steps up to the plate. He gives each line and gesture an extra bit of drunken prickishness that shows commitment, and he’s a lot fun to watch. I’ve always thought he deserved better material and a better director than he ever really got, and that shows here. Rita Wilson isn’t all that strong, but it’s worth mentioning that she manages to play a femme fatale without embarrassing herself.

The big reveal at the end is enjoyably silly, but would play much better if they didn’t tip their hand so egregiously during the episode. But unfortunately, the charity is named the Grateful Homeless Outcast and Unwanted Layaway Society, or as is made very clear on all the signage, “GHOULS”. Oh well.

Does It Hate Women?
Not as such. Though it continues the weird trend of the protagonist being fired by a ballbusting female boss, an indignity already suffered by Jon Lovitz and Tim Roth. And Rita Wilson is an evil monster, but she doesn’t use sex as a weapon. If anything, she seems kind of hurt when Weber kicks her out of bed.

Worth Noting
-The ghoul makeup some of the seasons best. What is a ghoul anyway? Is it a human that eats corpses, or is it some kind of monster pretending to be human? And if it’s a human, why do they always look like Nosferatu or something?
-Considering it ends with Weber being eaten alive, it wouldn’t have killed them to spice this one up with some cheap gore.

The Moral?
Charitable foundations are probably just fronts for some variety of corpse eating.

Worst CK Joke
Don’t worry about Sweeney. He’s started a new career, as a ghostwriter!

Grade: docked a bit for the stupid acronym C+
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post #69 of 103
6/28/10 at 1:04pm
These are so great, Keep up the good work. Reading these makes me want to pick up the seasons on DVD.
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post #70 of 103
6/29/10 at 10:27am
Split Second 3.11

What Is It?
The philandering wife of a brutish lumberjack seduces a new logging recruit.

Who’s Responsible?
It stars weak-chinned behemoth Brion James as the brutish lumberjack, and a couple hot nobodies as his wife and her lover. The writer is Richard Matheson’s son, also named Richard Matheson. He writes TV stuff, including the two shittiest Masters of Horror episodes (Tobe Hoopers). And directing is Russell Mulcahy, a great schlock director that doesn’t seem to get mentioned anymore, even though he still works on TV. Whatever, oldsters might appreciate him from Razorback, Ricochet, The Shadow, and of course, Highlander 1 &2.

How Is It?
Really, really fun. One of the best of the season. Much like yesterday’s Mournin’ Mess, the Crypt template is pretty standard, and the basic end point couldn’t be less clear (although to be fair, it finds a couple wrinkles that make it all extra gruesome). Although what a difference execution makes! The script is tight and mean, and surprisingly funny. And Mulcahy invests everything with a grungy authenticity that was rare on Crypt. It usually looks pretty cheap, but here, it’s appropriately cheap.

Brion James does what he does best: grunt, scream, threaten, huff, look big, and make everyone uncomfortable. He also has a very heavy looking sex scene ("he made love like a mountain man, which I kind of liked"). After his death in ‘99, James seems to be fading from even geek consciousness, but back in the day, he brought the ugly menace with the best of them. The supporting cast all acquit themselves pretty damn well too. The team of loggers (is that what one calls them?) have a nice rapport and I even kind of believe the insane thing they do at the end.

And that ending is a doozy. It’s a perfect balance of hilarious and really nasty, especially if you take a brief moment to reflect on what happened off screen to get everyone to that point (and what happens immediately after the camera pulls back). It’s not a surprising twist or anything, but it’s unrelenting.

But What About the Women Hate? Does It Go Extra Far In This One?
Oh man. Where to start? Here’s three quotes, all from actress Michelle Johnson’s voice over:
“What is it about men? When they want you the first time, they don’t care what anyone thinks of ya. But when they think you’re theirs, they want you to be as pure as the fucking Madonna.”
“After that the men were too scared to even acknowledge me. Though a lot of them had done a lot more than acknowledge me in the past. The whole marriage thing had worn thin in record time.”
“He was so easy. Men always are. Even the ones who want to be on top love being seduced.”

This VO plays like Iago, without the charm or wit. The script goes miles out of its way to make it crystal clear that A) James was a good man and a good friend before this poisonous bitch came into his life (despite all insane violent behavior to the contrary), B) Johnson has no actual romantic feelings for the young buck she seduces, and is in fact purposely fucking with him and James out of boredom, and C)before marrying James, she was a gigantic cock-loving slut, and possibly a literal whore. She also gets very naked.

Here’s the interesting thing. Not unlike the James Remar episode from earlier this season, the misogyny somehow makes the episode better. James’s bitter jealousy seems to be based largely around his sexual insecurity (or at least that’s what Johnson screams at him), and the young buck tries his absolute damndest to avoid her honeypot trap. It reminds you that the original audience for these stories was boys in their early teens, and that even though they really want to see that hot girl naked, there’s also a subconscious desire to see said hot girl punished for having a prohibitive upper hand when it comes to sexual power. By capitulating so completely to this instinct, as Split Second does, it almost begs to be noticed and commented on.

Worth Noting:
-Another Shock Suspenstories derived entry. Doesn’t seem like one, this is pure horror tale stuff.
-One thing I’ve noticed is that there’s a weird tendency to add needless bullshit subplots that don’t go anywhere. They don’t feel like padding either, but rather like plot points we’re somehow driving towards. In Split Second, it’s some sort of axe chopping speed competition everyone’s gearing up for, which sounds portentous but ultimately means nothing.
-Joel Silver guest stars as a guy the Crypt Keeper is about to dismember. If you have a bondage fantasy about Silver, look no further.

The Moral?
Stay the fuck away from women.

Worst CK Joke?
“It’s my producer’s birthday. He always wanted final cut, and that’s exactly what he’s getting!’

Grade: A-
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post #71 of 103
6/29/10 at 2:30pm
I had completely forgot about this one until I read your review. Yeah, this is another twisted episode that works from beginning to end. Brion James getting a taste of lumberjack justice is quite memorable. Keep up with the reviews, Arjen. These are awesome!

By the way, are you planning on covering this show into the final season? I think that was when the producers decided to film everything in the UK.
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post #72 of 103
6/29/10 at 4:35pm
Yeah, I'd forgotten it too, but it's kind of great. I'm not really planning on getting to the UK season, and even if I do just keep on trucking through these, I can't imagine I'd get there this year. I'm just about done with three now, it should be over by the end of the week, and that's all I know I'll finish for sure.

After this, I intend to catch up on Mad Men, but once I've done that, I may well continue on to the 4th Season. It's the one I'm most interested in revisiting, and I'm having fun writing these up, so quite possibly.
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post #73 of 103
6/29/10 at 10:24pm
Cool, season 4 has some favorites in there: "None but the Lonely Heart", "What's Cookin'", "Showdown" and "Strung Along". Hope that these continue.
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post #74 of 103
6/30/10 at 1:24am
I just saw the Bob Cat Goldwaith(Spelling??) episode with the ventriloquist dummy. Easily the most entertaining and bizarre twist that I've seen in the show.
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post #75 of 103
6/30/10 at 9:22am
I appreciate that Bobcat one, especially the casting, but for some reason or another, it doesn't quite click for me. I think it might be that the ending doesn't make any goddamn sense. Anyways,


Deadline 3.12

What Is It?
An alcoholic journalist struggles to keep his job as a crime reporter as he enters into a whirlwind relationship with a mysterious redhead.

Who’s Responsible?
Walter Hill directed this one. It stars Richard Jordan, who no one remembers anymore, but once starred in movies like Raise the Titanic. He was Duncan Idaho in Dune. The mysterious redhead is pre CSI Marg Helgenberger.

How Is It?
It doesn’t really work. It’s a real slow burn, and marks the first time I was checking my watch during one of these episodes. Which is not to say worthless, but bordering on it. The tone is completely different from any other episode, not even fucking around with the idea of being scary. The first twenty minutes chronicle Jordan being a drunken loser, riding a bunch of bad luck and bad decisions. He’s jobless and destitute, living off the graces of his fed-up sister. He spends most of his time and money at the local bar, where even the bartender begs him to get his shit together. For some reason, Marg Helgenberger falls for him, and they start a curt, passionless love affair. Hill does about as good a job as he can with these scenes, and they do have a nice noir pop to them, even when his cast and script kind of let him down (which is often).

Then in the last ten minutes, it all looks like it’s about to start paying off. Jordan grabs a bite at a drab empty restaurant run by Jon Polito, and suddenly, a really good sequence happens. Polito does a really great job with an unplayable role, and the noirish confluence of events is both tense and almost semi-believable. But then, just as an inevitable twist of cosmic fate seems to be happening, the episode ends, just cutting to Jordan in a straight jacket, talking to the camera about how he wants a drink, giving us no indication what happened.

The story is about as far afield of the norm as Crypt went, and I imagine the only reason they would do this particular story for the show is that Hill wanted to. It’s well directed, and seems to be reaching at something intangible, and I can imagine how a good drunken reporter noir directed by Hill could have elevated Crypt. Zemeckis will kind of succeed with a similar challenge a couple episodes down the line. But in this case, it isn’t scary, it isn’t funny, and most of all, it’s simply not very interesting.

I Bet It Hates Women?
Yeah, although coming as it does after Split Second, Marg Helgenberger’s lying unfaithful manipulator is pretty unremarkable, even though she uses a lot of familiar tactics (the insulting of cocksmanship, as Max Schumacher might say). She’s at least relatively upfront with Jordan.

Worth Noting:
-Helgenberger looks almost the same twenty years ago as now. Though she likely wouldn’t do a sideboob shot nowadays.
-Polito is good, and so is character actor John Capodice, who plays the bartender. He’s got one of those recognizable faces.
-Two episodes ago they did an alcoholic reporter story, and here’s another. There’s nothing I can derive from this, other than that EC traded in stereotypes and the showrunners didn’t much give a shit about separating them.

The Moral?
It's unclear, as the third act seems to be missing. It was probably some don't kill and/or trust women chestnut.

Worst CK Joke
“Care for another drink? Or should I just put a head on this one?”

Grade: C
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post #76 of 103
7/3/10 at 1:15am
I got busy and didn't keep to my schedule. There's two more, I've watched 'em, and I'll write them up shortly (both on Monday?).
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post #77 of 103
7/5/10 at 4:20am
Spoiled 3.13

What Is It?
A bored soap-opera addicted housewife finds romance with the cable installer.

Who’s Responsible?
The only recognizable name is Anthony LaPaglia, who has a smallish role as the cable installer. The wife is played by Faye Grant, who some might remember as Dr. Julie Parrish on V. But I don’t.

How Is It?
Bad. I’m kind of irritated that I watched it. There’s almost nothing at all here outside of the fucked up woman-hate, but I have a whole section to write about that, so I’m not even sure what to say. Summary? In brief, Grant is a romantic dreamer trapped in a marriage to an inattentive nebbish who spends every minute of the day studying a groundbreaking new anesthetic. She tries to get his attention, but he’s too boring, so she seduces the cable installer (mostly through Crypt Keeper-worthy puns about inserting cables). Then the nebbish husband finds out, uses his new anesthetic on them, and switches their heads. The End.

Grant does a great job selling this terrible concept, which works to the episode’s detriment, actually. The other performers barely seem awake. A large chunk of the run time is devoted to a terrible show-within-the-show soap opera that Grant’s character loves, and it is tedious beyond belief. They’re not even amping up the sleazy soap tropes for comic effect, it’s just a bad soap opera. Make no mistake, this one is drivel.

Is There Lots Of Fucked Up Women Hate In This One For No Reason?
Initially, I figured this aspect of Patrick’s write-ups would be something I’d probably end up ditching as I went along. Instead, it’s become the most interesting thing about the write-ups, at least for me. And here’s Spoiled, where the Crypt misogyny reaches its grand apotheosis.

This story is told entirely from Grant’s point of view. She’s likeable, if a bit ditzy, and everything she does in the story is sympathetic. Unlike the heart-stealing bitches that feature in most episodes, all she wants is love, affection and a little adventure, and the guy she’s married to is a boring, unappealing, poorly acted dillhole. The perspective switches to him in the last three minutes, and it’s a surprise he cares at all about her infidelity. There’s no reason to want or expect their relationship to work, and it’s pretty much ridiculous that they’re together at all. But she gets ghoulishly fucked, because EC morality is rigid, doesn’t take the context into account, and hates vaginas to boot.

Ultimately though, it’s just too goddamn bad an episode to give a shit. No one would bother being offended by this, because it’s so inept. I’m glad for it though, because some of my favorite episodes this season were loaded with femme-hate, so it’s nice have a wretched one that revels in it too.

Worth Noting:
-There’s a lot of padding here, which is rare for a show as short as Crypt. Aside from the soap, it’s all very self-referential, including one character expounding at length on how much she enjoys having HBO and a sequence where LaPaglia turns on a TV to reveal a chunk of Crypt’s opening credits. It’s all done witlessly and without any real joke.
-I don’t know what the title refers to. Is the heroine spoiled? Not in the sense that I understand the word. There’s no food gone bad either.
-the cable installation/sex puns are some lazy shit: “I’ll show you how. You just put the male cord into the female cord”.
-still not as bad as the vampire one

The Moral?
You know those soaps and trashy novels your wife likes? Well, that’ll put fancy ideas about romance into her head, so you best keep that bitch on a short leash.

Worst Crypt Keeper Joke:
Well, looks like Janet and Abel have become rather attached. Talk about being stuck on each other.

Grade: D+
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post #78 of 103
7/5/10 at 4:31am
Yellow

What Is It?
During the trench battles of WWI, the son of a hard as nails General fights a losing battle against his own cowardice.

Who’s Responsible?
All Star time here. This is one of three directed by Robert Zemeckis, and all three were good. The writers were Gilbert Adler and AL Katz, long time Crypt producers. The cast includes Lance Henrikson, Dan Akroyd, and Kirk Douglas as the asshole general. The lead role is strangely played by Eric Douglas, Kurt’s less impressive son.

How Is It?
Really good, although it never quite pushes into high gear. It feels one narrative wrinkle short of awesome, and instead settles for solid. It’s a deliberate play on Paths of Glory, which is a nice trick, as the original Shock Suspenstories edition was more like a rip off. Regardless, I never really thought of Zemeckis as a film history type of guy, and yet here he’s clearly referencing the early Kubrick film, and maybe even a little All Quiet on the Western Front, although that might just be my go-to instant WWI association.

This episode was apparently intended for the Two-Fisted Tales spin-off show that never really got off the ground, which makes sense, as it doesn’t really feel like a Crypt episode. It’s got a much grayer morality and is more interested in character and relationships than with gore and karmic twists. But as with anything, it doesn’t need to fit the mold if it’s good, and Yellow is good.

Lance Henrikson, returning to the series, is kind of awesome as Sgt Ripper (which has got to be a Kubrick reference). Henrikson is probably underrated as an actor, maybe because he tends to give less than is all in the DTDVD crap you often see him in. Dan Akroyd does nothing at all, and has such an insignificant part that he’s distracting. The real show is the Douglas face off. Kirk Douglas was nominated for an Emmy for his work here, which is something of a coup for a show like Crypt. And while it’s hard to argue this wasn’t just the Emmys indulging in a bit of starfucking, Kirk is a lot of fun, bringing the gravitas and the ham in equal measure. This leaves the weak link, and I think what keeps the episode from being something special, Eric Douglas. Most famous for his drug-related death in 2004, and his untalented black sheep status, Eric is not quite up to the challenge of being a central character. It’s a complicated role too, and requires a balancing act to make the two disparate plot elements come together. Eric’s tack on it is to be a smug braying ass, and it unbalances his philosophic conflict with dad.

That conflict could have been great, and on the page it must have been. Eric’s an unwilling soldier, essentially drafted into the war by his giant asshole general father (Kirk). So it’s not really his fault that he’s a big pussy. And yet his cowardice is getting everyone killed. Plus, the show keeps fucking with us over where Daddy Kirk’s first allegiance is, which provides a nice no nonsense resolution.

Does It Hate Women?
No!

Worth Noting:
-hell, I think I noted it all

The Moral?
Don’t be such a fucking pussy.

Worst Crypt Keeper Joke:
I guess Martin finally learned his lesson: no guts, no gory!

Grade: B+

That’s it for season three. These later ones got a bit longer, sorry bout that, but I enjoyed writing these up. Also, I think I mentioned earlier that this made me watch the shows much differently than I would have, and I liked thinking about them more than usual, or more than was warranted, in some cases. Anyways, it was fun to pretend I work for the AV Club, and I'd like to continue this at some point, but that would happen, at the soonest, after I catch up with Mad Men. So no plans, no expectations. But I got through this one, so who knows?
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post #79 of 103
7/5/10 at 4:32am
I haven't read your most recent few yet but yeah, these are very cool Arjen. Write, Patrick, write!

This is a show I loved but am fearful to revisit.
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post #80 of 103
7/6/10 at 4:01pm
I just watched that ventriloquist's dummy one. What the FUCK man. What the FUCK.
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post #81 of 103
7/6/10 at 10:07pm
Right? RIGHT??
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post #82 of 103
7/12/10 at 11:29pm
Thread Starter 
Only Sin Deep (1.4)

What's It About?
A cute hooker (Lea Thompson) sells her beauty for fancy clothes and jewelry, only to learn too late that no one likes an ugly bitch, no matter what she's wearing.

Who's Responsible?
Directed by Howard Deutch, fine auteur behind such films as Grumpier Old Men, The Odd Couple II, and The Whole Ten Yards; three worthy responses to Sir Richard Dickson's question "When is a film unnecessary?". To be fair, he also directed to Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, and The Great Outdoors, all which have their defenders.

The episode was written by Fred Dekker, writer/director of Night of the Creeps and Monster Squad. He also wrote 5 episodes of Crypt, including previous Season 1 episode "All Through The House".

How Is It?
In the museum of terrible accents, there's an exhibit dedicated to Lea Thompson's character. It's right down the hall from the Kevin Costner wing. If you're having trouble imagining Lea Thompson as a tough street-wise hooker, pouting her lips and talking in a fake husky voice, it's because she's terribly miscast. I can only imagine she was given the role because her and Deutch got along on the set of Some Kind of Wonderful (he even directed a handful of Caroline in the City episodes, natch) but a bad choice is a bad choice.

Lea plays the bluntly named "Slyvia Vane", a prostitute who tries to pawn the jewelry of a pimp she just murdered (not her pimp, just a pimp) only to be offered a lot more to sell her beauty. Figuring the broker is a loony, she takes him up on his offer and proceeds to spend the money in a shopping montage only the director of the world's most famous prom movie could pull off. Our street-walker, now a high class call girl, crashes a fancy rich people party and tries to seduce the WASPiest guy she can find. Let's call him Roy Stalin. After trading some of the worst innuendos ever, she slaps Roy, making him instantly fall in love with her. Amour Fou.

We flash-forward to four months later, Slyvia's now living with Mr. Stalin and beginning to notice that her looks are fading. She looks like [INSERT CELEBRITY WITH BAD PLASTIC SURGERY HERE] or something! The loony old man was telling the truth! She tries to buy back her looks, but she arrives a day after the four month time limit. With interest, she now owes him One Hundred Thousand Dollars. She springs into action and raids Roy's apartment of all the jewelry he bought her, gratuitously snarling at her image in the mirror and throwing potted plants at the wall. Then she murders Roy for calling the police after he doesn't recognize her. Like, really gleefully murders him. I think she fills him with a baker's dozen of bullets. I'm saying, she's Nicholson, he's Palance, and Danny Elfman's cranking out a circus waltz.

She returns to the broker to find he's been using her beauty along with some crazy voodoo shit to keep his dead wife good-looking forever. What a waste. She demands her looks back until he points out a newspaper that shows that she's now wanted for murder, and, in a classic ironic twist, she can only retain her anonymity by staying ugly.

How Is IT?
Some of the acting is terrible, but it made an entire generation afraid of clowns, so there's got to be something there.

Woman Hate: Yes or No?
Oh yeah. There's not a single female character that isn't some sort of whore, there's the gold-digging, the gleeful murder, there's even a scene where a cop calls her a "classic dumb broad" for leaving the murder weapon with fingerprints on the floor.

Also Worth Noting:
*The pimp she killed later went on to be a lighting technician for 22 episodes of Caroline In The City. I wonder if Lea Thompson ever knew that.

*Burke Byrnes, who plays the cop, makes this face:


The Moral?
Dress up a hooker all you want, it won't change the fact that she's inherently evil and soulless, and will murder you for your shit.

Worst Cryptkeeper Joke?
"Poor Slyvia. Guess she heard the old saying 'If looks could kill...', so she did."

C
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post #83 of 103
7/13/10 at 12:47am
Yay

You're right, that one kind of sucks. At least it sucks in an amusing way. I generally liked when Crypt miscasts famous people. It's got a sort of community theater vibe.

Thanks for calling out the carnival music murder scene, as it's a vivid memory.
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post #84 of 103
7/13/10 at 1:57am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd View Post
I generally liked when Crypt miscasts famous people. It's got a sort of community theater vibe.
That's a perfect way of putting it. A lot of these episodes, especially those with the more notable directors, have a "lets get a bunch of my friends together and mess around and have fun" vibe.

I'm going to try to finish up the first season (only 2 more episodes) this week, and start on season 2 next week. I put off writing up "Only Sin Deep" for a long time because I wasn't a fan of it and didn't find it interesting on my first viewing, but writing this entry has re-sparked my love of the series.
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post #85 of 103
7/13/10 at 3:30am
Fucking brilliant Patrick (and Arjen). Keep them coming.
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post #86 of 103
7/13/10 at 3:40am
I just watched 5.03 yesterday and felt the need to gif a delightful, jaunty moment

http://tsock.wordpress.com/2010/07/1...-special-post/
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post #87 of 103
7/13/10 at 8:26am
Just FYI, you can find two packs of Seasons 1-2 and Seasons 3-4 at tARGET FOR 20 bucks. Not too shabby. I loved Easel Kill Ya. Hadn't watched that since it first aired waaaaay back when. The special features on these sets leave a lot to be desired and the menus make me want to slit my wrists. Who thought having an almost static Cryptkeeper puppet making puns on a loop was a good idea? Woe unto the man or woman who falls asleep during an episode only to woken by those shit menus. I think they stopped them around season 4. Thank God.
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post #88 of 103
7/14/10 at 10:56pm
The Cryptkeeper sequence used to terrify me. Just scare me half to death. I could never watch it in full until only recently, and even then it just unnerves me.

Several episodes have left a deep impression on me. This was the show I always wanted to stay up for. I recognize some of the episodes described by Patrick and Arjen....It's amazing how lasting some of these episodes are.

In no particular order, the ones that stamped their impression on me:

1. The 30 Days of Night one. Two (three?) dudes find out about some sort of treasure and attempt to fool a former Asian...army? chick into leading them to it. She double crosses them and feeds them to the vampires, because her blood is poison to them, so they're good. I believe all the vampires were children too.

2. Rock band, the leader singer? hates the girlfriend of on of the other players. He goes to this specialty tattoo place known for amazing designs, followed by an incredibly painful session, ends up with her face on a dragon on his chest? And then he beats her death. Or something. Didn't it cause some stir about domestic violence?

3. I think you mentioned this one with James Remar, but I'm not sure if it's the right one. I remember a lot of the voodoo trappings, and I believe the priestess was in love with the main character who was in love with gorgeous woman. She dies somehow, he brings her back to life, and shenanigans occur.

4. I think it's Timothy Dalton as a murderous magician. Some trick with swords. Edit: It's Billy Zane.

I think the Black Christmas? one that Patrick reviewed is probably one of the most iconic of the series. I just love me some good pulp.
Thanks boys for making this thread, it's inspired me to look these up.
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post #89 of 103
7/15/10 at 12:11am
So which one of you guys are gonna watch the Tales from the Cryptkeeper cartoon?
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post #90 of 103
7/16/10 at 3:34pm
Thread Starter 
Oops, accidentally posted. Not quite done with the write-up yet.
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post #91 of 103
8/9/10 at 2:06am
Thread Starter 
Sorry for the delay. Accidentally deleting that write-up I spent three hours on sucked up a lot of morale.

But I'm watching the original 1972 Tales From the Crypt film, which is whetting my appetite. And the first story in the film is the story the Zemeckis episode was based on! After all my research, how did I miss something so big?
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post #92 of 103
8/9/10 at 2:34am
Because you are a terrible person.
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post #93 of 103
8/15/10 at 10:47pm
Thread Starter 
Lover Come Hack To Me (1.5)

What's It About?
In the worst episode of the season, a bride kills her groom for the hell of it. That's it.

Who's Responsible For This Piece of Shit?
This episode is directed by Tom Holland, but it's clear this is Tom Holland director of The Langoliers, not Tom Holland director of Child's Play. Micheal McDowell, writer of Beetlejuice and The Nightmare before Christmas shit this teleplay out and the set decorator went on to decorate sets for Iron Man and Land of the Lost. Whoopdi Shit.

How Shitty Is It?
Plenty. Newlyweds Charles (a hunky gold-digger played by Stephen Shellen of Casual Sex? fame) and Peggy (a nebbish mousy type played by a pre-fame Amanda Plummer) get lost in a thunderstorm on their way to their honeymoon, partly because it's dark and rainy and partly because Peggy is a woman and can't read maps. When he goes out to lift a fallen tree in the middle in the road, he sees that there's a big creepy abandoned mansion right in front of him. The geography of the scene doesn't really work, but neither does Tom Holland anymore, so maybe there is justice in the world.

They go inside and the phones don't work! And the lights don't work! And the suspense doesn't work either because it's one of the worst shot episodes I've ever seen. The "mansion" looks about as big as a 2 bedroom in Pasadena. They go into the living room and see a fireplace with a Battle Ax hanging over it. Charles says that it reminds him of Peggy's aunt because he's the kind of character who has to remind you he's an asshole with every line of dialog that comes out of his asshole mouth. Asshole Mouth would probably make a good episode of Tales From the Crypt, actually. Anyway, they're drying their clothes by the fire, showing off Stephen Shellen's excellent ass, when Peggy confronts Stephen, asking if he's only really marrying her for her money. He uses the classic Saddam Hussein diversionary tactic of "Of course, I love you, let's fuck!" and they go looking for a bedroom.



They head up to the bed and while Charles lights a number of candles that would make Tommy Wiseau blush, Peggy heads to the bathroom to transform from a nebbish little mouse into a sexy little mouse. You can't hide that nose. By the way, this transformation includes one of my favorite movie cliches, the tracking shot of the panties sliding up the legs. I always love that little race between the camera and panties, you always hope the camera gets to the pussy first, but it never does. Anyway, she steps out all sexed up and rocks his world in one of the longest and most gratuitous sex scenes I've seen on television. I don't need to tell you what it's like because all you have to do is imagine every bad sex scene ever, and you have it (well, minus the shot of Antonio Bandereas' spurs rolling across Selma Hayek's ass). This fuckfest ends with a duel screaming orgasm that's light on orgasm and very heavy on the screaming. Like "we're pinned under a boulder near the top of the mountains, can anyone hear us oh God please help" screaming. They shatter the face of a grandfather clock fer chrissakes. They consumated the FUCK out of their marriage.



Charles wakes from his post-coitous nap and goes to the window to see his wife, now looking like the wife of an astronaut in the 60's, totally macking on some other dude. They start fucking on the couch, not even acknowledging that he's there! You don't need an infinite spinning top to know this is a dream, but for some reason he doesn't. After some couchfuckin', the couple go to sleep, and Peggy slinks over to the fireplace, grabs the battle axe and chops him into bits, screaming that she "wants everything to stay perfect". Charles realises he's dreaming and wakes up. Then Peggy kills him with a battle axe, screaming that "she wants everything to stay perfect".



The next morning Peggy waves to her aunt (who's picking her up from the mansion for some reason) and says "oh it went so great" and it turns out that it's a family tradition for the women to destroy their husbands with battle axes on their wedding night. To keep everything perfect.

Do It Hate Women?
Holy fuck did you read what I just wrote?

The Moral:
All women want to castrate you and ruin you and destroy your self in order to preserve the rotten institution of marriage.

Worst Cryptkeeper Joke
Other than the title, there's actually no puns in this intro. He does employ alliteration with the phrase "Horror Hungry Humans".

D-
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post #94 of 103
8/15/10 at 11:27pm
What a fool I've been for not clicking on this thread before now. Great write ups Patrick & Arjen.
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post #95 of 103
8/16/10 at 2:13am
Patrick, I loved that.

Thinking of starting Season 4 around the end of the month.
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post #96 of 103
8/16/10 at 4:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick Ripoll View Post
Charles (a hunky gold-digger played by Stephen Shellen of Casual Sex? fame)
Ah, Stephen Shellen. Also of The Stepfather fame, where after spending 95% of the movie desperately trying to hunt down his sister's murderer, he finally finds out where the killer lives, walks in the front door and promptly gets stabbed to death (O'Quinn's send off line? "Next time, call before you drop by.")

Fun reviews, by the way.
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post #97 of 103
8/16/10 at 7:51pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd View Post
Patrick, I loved that.

Thinking of starting Season 4 around the end of the month.
I will definitely be done with the final episode of Season 1 by then. The last episode is probably my second favorite of the season, followed only by the Donner episode (Donner also does my favorite episode of season 2, the ventriloquist dummy episode starring Bobcat Goldthwait and Don Rickles.
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post #98 of 103
8/17/10 at 12:22am
Thread Starter 
Hey, Carly gave me seasons three and four for our anniversary! Very excited to read along with Arjen's write-ups and see what I've been missing.
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post #99 of 103
8/27/10 at 3:42pm
Thread Starter 
Collection Completed (1.6)

What's It About?
A man having trouble adjusting to retired life takes up taxidermy, starting with his wife's many beloved pets.

Who's Responsible For It?
This pet-centric episode was directed by none other than Pet Semetary's own Mary Lambert. The writing was accomplished by a three pronged attack by A. Whitney Brown (who wrote for SNL during the show's second golden age, 1985-1990), Battle Davis (editor of Lethal Weapon 3 and Renaissance Man), and Randolph Davis (writer of the classic bad movie punchline, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow).

How Is It?
This episode, one of the best of the season, second only to Dig That Cat, He's Real Gone, is an odd duck to say the least. Where a normal Tales From the Crypt episode features unlikable characters doing horrible things to each other, this episode features emotionally damaged characters hurting each other (mostly) accidentally. Where a normal episode of Tales From the Crypt trades in black humor and a morbid tone, the majority of this episode is sweet-hearted and almost cute. This sweetness is what I find most surprising, especially when you consider that the story has the potential to be one of the most mean and woman-hating episodes of the series.



In it, M. Emmet Walsh plays Jonas, a man who retires after 47 years of being a workaholic, with only a symbolic brass hammer to show for it. These 47 years of workahol abuse have taken a toll on both Jonas and his wife Anita (played by Audra Lindley of Three's Company and Love Boat fame). It's turned Jonas into the grouchy yet lovable curmudgeon character that only Walsh (and possibly Wilford Brimley) can create. Anita, meanwhile, has lost her mind, been transformed into a sad an lonely creature who puts all her displaced affection to the zoo of stray animals she keeps around the house. The retirement proves to be a lot to adjust to for both of them. Jonas has trouble slowing down and not doing something productive with his time. Their nosy neighbor Roy, in true sitcom form, keeps showing up unannounced and offering Jonas unwanted advice. He reccomends Jonas take up a hobby and suggests model airplanes. Jonas declines, partly because he believes "when you start to slow down you start to die" but mostly because he's not a twelve year old boy from 1985. I think you have to wear Osh-Kosh to be into model planes.



Anita's problems, however, are deeper than a bit of cabin fever. After 47 years of apparent emotional neglect, Anita has forgotten how to interact with anyone who isn't covered in fur and appreciate a belly-rub, and while M. Emmet Walsh may love a good belly-rub every now and then, that man has a body hairless as a Ken Doll. With Jonas home all the time now, Anita interacts with him the only way she know how: as she would a pet. Anita's treatment of her husband as a pet starts out simple. She comments on his bulldog looks, she feeds extravagant breakfasts of steak to her pets while Jonas gets stuck with corn flakes. But somewhere around the time she's hiding aspirin in his food, Jonas snaps and decides that he SHOULD take up a hobby. He picks taxidermy, and any time someone starts picking the same hobbies as Norman Bates you know trouble is just around the corner and, what do you know, he starts taking aim at his wife's beloved pets.



When Anita finds her beloved bulldog (also named Jonas, natch) stuffed with goofy electronic light up eyes in it's sockets, it's too much for her. And then she sees the basement, where the rest of her cherished menagerie are in various states of being tanned and mounted. Seeing her best friends, children, and confidants all dead and stuffed is too much for her, and she snaps and beats him to death with his big brass hammer. Later, wacky neighbor Roy stops by to say hi to the happy couple only to find this:



"Isn't it nice he's learned how to slow down and take it easy?" she says, and Roy does his best waterless spit take.

Do It Hate Women?
This is tricky. If you take it at face value, it appears to be a fairly sexist story about a woman who mistreats her husband and kills him so he can finally be subserviant but with Mary Lambert's direction, on top of two excellent performances by Walsh and Lindley, really do make you feel for all the characters involved. While you feel for Walsh being treated like an animal, it's obvious that Anita means well and is having trouble adjusting to the change. I think the sexual politics still may be a little iffy, but you never once feel the kind of awful disdain for Anita that the show normally has for other female characters.

The Moral:
Sometimes you just got to let her scratch your belly.

Worst Cryptkeeper Joke:
"I want to introduce you to my pet, Peeves. He has a terror tail all his own!"

A-
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post #100 of 103
8/27/10 at 3:58pm
Oh yes. Great write up as usual.
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