Dear Mark Teixeira,
Congratulations on the birth of your child! As I understand it, this is your third, correct? That's wonderful. Sounds like mommy and baby are doing fine, and there were absolutely no problems or complications whatsoever. Now, you are the biological father, right? Your wife's pregnancy was the result of you and her knowingly having unprotected sex and not, God forbid, rape or anything, yes? One thing led to another on a cold November evening and shortly thereafter your bride found herself with child. And here we are nine months later. Mazel Tov! You really seem to be in a good place in your life. You are a successful athlete and part of a storied organization, an organization that has been at or near the top for almost 15 years. Playing important games in August annually since, oh, 1995 or so, like clockwork. Year in and year out, your current team finds themselves in the thick of the pennant race. A dogfight where every game matters. This year is a perfect example. Best record in the league, yet a scant 1.5 game lead over the second place club. Why, this very evening your team is locked in a battle with another really good team. Another first place team. On the road. It is very possible that, after this two game series, you could find yourself out of first place.
Anyway, like I said, congratulations on having another kid. Don't worry about your teammates and the organization. They'll just stick Lance Berkman in your spot on the field and bat Marcus Thames third. They'll, you know, figure something out. Or whatever. As for us fans, we'll just hope your wife never gets horny in January.
P.S. Did you know CC Sabathia just had a kid? Yeah.