The Funniest Thing I Heard Today

This is from yesterday but I have not really spoken with anyone today yet so it is all I have. Plus, this happened within the past 24 hours. I had a coworker convinced that there is a legitimate threat that terrorists could harness the power of earthquakes and use them to attack the west. He felt we should be planning to prevent this from happening. I did my best to disavow him of that notion but ultimately that proved to be more trouble than it was worth.

HAARP

you're soiling your reputation as CHUD EARTHQUAKE TSARINA, Kate

Last night, I'm at a bar, wearing a Batman shirt. (The classic Bat with yellow oval logo)

A drunk man comes up to me and says "Sweet Aerosmith shirt".

I'm like "Excuse me?"

He's like, "I love Aerosmith! Great shirt! It's the Aerosmith logo!"

I reply: "This is a Batman shirt."

"Is he hip hop?"

"The superhero. Batman"

"Oh yeah! Boy wonder and shit!"

The man then walked away. Needless to say, it was the most entertaining time I've had in a bar since a 60 year old man told me that Obama was the "FUCKING ANTI CHRIST"

"That's what SHE said."

It's been a slow Friday.

The problem is that outside of CHUD, it's hard to get people to take that title seriously. He did not respect me as a voice of authority on the subject. I did my best but ultimately I didn't want to PO my coworker by being a know-it-all and decided to just move on

"Hey Nick, you work out?"
"Yeah"
"dude, give me some advice, I need to get ripped before I go boating in three weeks, what can I do legally to gain like 15lbs of muscle in a couple weeks"
"pray"

Co-worker broke his arm playing video games.

hahahaha

hey, the Wii can be dangerous

At a public bathroom today, ive just heard a father having the "talk" with his panicked little boy about how "some of the food you eat showing in you poop is normal".
I almost missed the urinal when corn and mushrooms were mentioned.

I still get freaked out by an occasional red pepper.

The kid was like 5 it seemed , and was sounded scared out of his mind.
A red pepper must be a full paranoia attack, i bet.

hehe

Lest weekend walking into the subway, 2 girls looking at brown gross on the ground:
"Is that hummus?"
"No. It's human shit!"

A really socially awkward, big, bulky guy at work decided, in order to coerce a co-worker to get out of his chosen seat (mind you, there are no assigned seats here), to sit a foot behind him and--can't tell if this is intentional or not--breathe heavily like he just got done subduing and molesting Mike Tyson. Co-worker relents, guy gets his seat.

My supervisor asks why he relented like that. Co-worker says "Well, you know how Magilla Gorilla gets when he doesn't get his banana."

I once took a piss in a public restroom where there was another gentleman already at one of the stalls. No sound. I get to a stall, do my business, and flush. The other guy is still standing there. No sound. He's been assuming the position the whole time.

As I wash my hands and leave the restroom, I hear the guy whisper insistently, "C'mon!"

Today I drove my son and his friend (both 6) to camp. Their entire 20 minute conversation was about Star Wars: Clone Wars. The best line was from the friend, out of the blue:

"Clone Troopers are really good at shooting droids' heads off."

Indeed they are.

Recently in a Duane Reade:

Clerk #1: "Did you hear that? She said she was gonna kill me and murder me and all that terrible stuff!"

Clerk #2: "Well, she can't do both."

#1: "Oh, what are you, the Mystery Channel now or something?"

Co-worker of mine let his 6 year old son play some Godfather on his XBOX. So yesterday the kid was in the car with his mom and grandmother and when the car stopped he said "Get the fuck out of the car." They paused, assumed they heard it wrong and asked the kid what he said. "I said 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR! Didn't you hear me the first time?"

Kids say the darnedest things.

In the lunch carpool at work, we stopped at Taco Bell and my friend got one of those large quesadilla-like things. He gets a call while he's digging into it. It's the insurance company that handles the group plan at work and they have some questions about his medical history. Mainly, they're worried about serious health issues he had due to childhood obesity. The guy is completely fit now, but I just went into an uncontrollable peal of laughter when the guy was audibly eating during the phone interview and denying that he still had those issues to an obviously worried claims agent.

sounds like the time i was getting new "car insurance" and going over it while on the phone, in the car

zodiac story resembles one experience I had few days ago. (Young) Hot chick at a party grabs a knife and pulls an innuendo of the Bishop trick on me. I was distracted and said "Hey it's like Aliens". "What? That doesn't occur in Alien" I felt old that night.

But she knew enough that it didn't happen in Alien. An older movie. I don't get it! Am I misreading something?

My plural was about the franchise, she didn't even know how many of them were out there. She was adamant it never happened.

How weird. At least she didn't say, "I don't remember that in AVP!"

you would be suprised how many women out there, and just clueless when it comes to classic cinema.

When I met my future wife, we decided to have a movie night for our 3rd date, i said "lets watch Goodfellas", she was like "what the hell is that"

it's now her favorite movie

Dude, so far, you've gone on about your wife's freakish arms, frigidness, and shitty taste in films. Is there anything you like about your wife? Or are you into musclebound, frigid, Philistines?

hahaha

This is the funniest thing I've heard today. I don't know what exactly rubs me the wrong way about you so far Nick, because you seem to be intelligent as far as I can tell. Maybe it's your sense of humor. I'm not sure yet.

"Go to our website for UFO news you can use, it might just save your life."

Heard on 97.9 the Beat, Urban Hip-Hop radio station.

From my roommate's Facebook profile.

So I go to the hotel bar in my building. Havin some drinks, woman looks at the bartender and says "Draft beer, I can't drink it, it fills me up too much." Bartender looks at her and says, "Oh, I know, And draft will give you the worst hangover you've ever had." Not stomaching that bullshit I politely look at him and chime "No way dude, Tequila, thats the worst hangover you've ever had."

The womans husband, mid 50's, silver hair, polo shirt, looks at me and says "No son, grain alcohol, those are the worst hangovers." He chuckles, convinced of his iron-clad wisdom. I looked at him and said, "Ya? and who the fuck do you know that drinks grain alcohol you degenerate asshole" Let me tell ya, shit got awkward after that. But his wife was hot for 60

About a week ago when I was at work, I got to send a text message out to a few of my friends, & it's by far the most excited I have ever been to text anybody. I'm pretty sure I will never send out another text as interesting as this one, which basically read:

"Wow, one of the waiters at work showed up all fucked up on meth & took off down the street in nothing but his drawers & an apron"

Was with my girlfriend at her parents' house yesterday and her mom was telling a story. Apparently a woman at her job, she's a nurse, apologized to her that day for something. Here's how the story went: 'She said to me "sorry the doctor was curt with you earlier." And I said "his name's not Curt it's Stan!" Now you're an English guy, have you ever heard anyone say that before?'
I told her yes but had to be nice about it. Then she followed that up with "I was surprised she used such big words for a black woman."

Remind me never to go drinking with your roommate.

ahahahah awesome
Yeah, that. He sounds mad punchable.

fetish of mine, what can i say..

While cutting a plywood base that we could use to mount a toilet upon, my father and I discovered that the plywood was too big for his table saw. He improvised a solution rather quickly. This conversation followed. (Mind you, my dad has a very dry wit.)

Me: Dad, you're like Macguyver when it comes to improvising solutions, only you can't blow stuff up. Wait, can you blow stuff up?

Dad: (Without looking up from his saw, very calmly) Probably.

Two classics I've previously tweeted:

"What do you mean he won't eat Wonder Bread? it's the best bread on the market!" - Furious guy on his Bluetooth

"Dark chocolate! Your arch-enemy!" - Little boy brandishing a package of dark chocolates like an action figure, to no one in particular

This thread is reminding me of one of my favorite exchanges I recently overheard while walking past a McDonalds in Manhattan:

"No, you're misunderstanding me. I'm not saying you're a fucking gay asian. I'm saying you're fucking gay and you're asian."

The Gay Pride Parade was today, and I'm walking through the aftermath, as people are trying to clean up. Guy is walking by, in silver spackled short-shorts and sneakers and nothing else. He's fully extended, hauling a 7 foot long couch with no cushions on his shoulders.

Cop: "Hey! Where do you think you're going with that?"
Guy: (turns, grins a mile wide) "Home?"
Cop: (busts out laughing) "Good luck."

A guy asked me to turn down the music because he was on the phone.


He was in the lane next to me and we were stopped at a traffic light.

"If you can't comfortably watch the World Cup while naked and high in your own home, there's something wrong with your home."

Let it be said it was the day of the Pride parade in New York today, and I spent a chunk of it trying to get through the East Village, and this was still the funniest thing I heard.

"He was! Michael Cera was a fucking cylon!" - my friend regaling us with his tale of playing the Battlestar board game with Michael Cera. For some reason I found that line funnier than the fact that he even found himself in that situation.

I heard a radio news anchor pronounce the word drowning as "drown-ding."

"It's like waking up to find out that, not only is Bigfoot alive, but he's porking Nessie."

Holy Jesus, I wish I could just transcribe the entire conversation I sat next to at lunch today.

To attempt to summarize, it kind of went in this order:

-Two rednecks (but not "redneck-redneck," more just southerners with thick accents. Looked like more the white collar redneck variety) sympathizing with BP over the whole oil debacle (did I mention I live right on the Gulf Coast?)
-Asshole #1 then chimes in with "oh man, you ever watch Glenn Beck?!" "Hell yeah! That guy is funny, man. And pretty smar... *phone rings* hold on"
-Asshole #2 then talks to apparently his wife for a while in a seemingly innocent conversation
-Asshole #1 then tries to go back to talking about how awesome Glenn Beck is when Asshole #2 just interrupts him an announces "I think I'm going to have to divorce her, man."
-The next 20 minutes is dominated by one of the most cold-hearted, dumb and loudly-frank (for a restaurant) conversations/brainstorming sessions about how he could go about divorcing his wife and how all that would work out.

The whole thing was utterly dumbfounding and often times hilarious.

Was getting on an elevator today and of the family that was getting off before me, the little boy asked his dad "so we don't have to be good anymore?"

That's an existential question, kid.