Broken Hearted Chewer Support Thread  

Simon and Garfunkel said it best. "All it takes is Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and time. Time specifically, the others are just unrelated seasonings."

Hang in there, and avoid talking to her until about 2 months after you think that you're ready, if you ever feel like talking to her at all.

My friend was in a similar situation and started working out like crazy. I think physical pain's a fairly practical way to distract yourself, and his version (weight-lifting/running) is probably more productive than my version (cutting myself). On other hand he's got a thick neck and I have neat looking scars, so who's to say who the real winner was.

Probably him.

Does a non-romantic broken heart count? My mother is dying. That's been pretty heartbreaking.

Today she asked me if it was my birthday. No, I said, that's tomorrow. I have a feeling she's been hanging on, in pain and immobility, so as not to fuck up my birthday by dying on or right before it. Every time I think of that, I just lose my shit.

The mercy, to me, is that she's at home and not in a hospital or nursing home. She's on hospice, we have people coming in to care for her, and I do whatever I can.

Do absolutely nothing to go back on this. Don't ever succumb to the easier choice. Hide her facebook, don't text message, no calls or email, no quick visit/conversation, nothing. Keep to it.

Discipline and time.

Staying busy helps. Make plans with friends. Take a trip. Spoil yourself. Better yourself. Have fun. Do not sit around the house and mope, as tempting as it may be. Not saying that you can't mourn the end of this relationship, but if all you're doing is mourning 24/7, it'll be tempting to go back to her, and from the sounds of things, that's the last thing that you want to do. Being around people, places, and things that make you happy helps a lot.

This person has no respect for you if she is willing to fuck around on you. FACT. A person like that ain't worth your time. FACT.

Just to be clear, I wasn't meaning to hijack with "OMG MY PAIN IS GREATER." I'd been wanting to get it off my chest somewhere here, and this thread presented itself.

Pain is pain no matter what causes it. You have my sympathies as well. Been there.

Drinking and random sex helped me. My last girlfriend screwed me over bad so I just went out and made it with a friend of hers. Wise? No idea but damn it felt better. Oh and working out helps as well. Maybe you should just do that.

Damn she sounds like a mind fuck. Stay away man. Stay away. She'll try and worm her way back, you can count on it!

Jesus, Martin. Sorry to hear it.

Sorry to hear about your pain Lloyd and Martin.

It's funny, I was just thinking of starting a Movies for the Dumped thread. I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech this past Thursday from a guy I'd been seeing for a few months. Could have been worse, especially if he'd waited, but still, stings. I've found movies with lots of action and/or gore are a welcome distraction right now. Plus lots of sugar. And friends, of course. But mostly zombie movies and sugar.

But Lloyd, good for you for putting your foot down. Nobody deserves to be strung along like that.

Martin,

I have nothing to say that could be expected to make you feel better. Instead, for what it is worth, I will offer you my sympathy as one human being to another

+1

All of what Harley said is true. Keeping busy and friends help the most.

I'm dumb, and always give the opposite advice. During break ups and such, I never really went for the "Block This Person from My Life" thing, even for a while. I always make myself available, as a friend, and kinda work through the shitty pain and such in best way I can (Films, books, weed) and learn to cope, kinda. I'm good friends with all my ex's and that mainly comes from trying to deal with the hurty shitfulness one has to go through by not blanking them out of my life. In the long run, if you can do it, it makes you feel like really overcame something quite shitful and you keep someone you really care about as a good friend. When it comes to seeking advice in future with relationship crap, there are few better sources wisdom than someone who has actually had a relationship with you before.
But good luck, hope it gets better quicker than you can count.

Keeping busy is about the best advice you can get. Also, get back on that horse. I don't mean random sex. Just go out on a couple dates to remind yourself that she's not the only female alive.

Whoa, Martin. Lots of strength to you.

Lloyd: push through! Hang out with friends, watch awesome movies, do stuff you love doing. Random dating didn't work for me, it just served as a reminder that I wasn't with that particular woman.

Patrick said it first, but it still rings true: Time. To quote Ben Folds, "Time takes time, you know." It can suck, but my sympathies are to you.

Martin - Losing a parent is a terrible experience. I lost my father suddenly - he was young and in good health. I can't imagine the difficulty of watching it happen slowly. I'm sorry for your pain.

Martin, my absolute best to you and your family. That sounds patently fucking awful.

Lloyd, for as much as Matt O'C's my bro, I have to disagree with him and tell you to stick with the sever, because like 80% of people swear by it.

My ex is a genuinely good person and I wish her the absolute best and hope she gets everything she ever wanted and more, but at the same time I'm not ready to be friends again just yet (trying to get my personal life in order before I do that), so while she was initially really skeptical and honestly sort of offended at the no contact idea, she's also been cool enough to stick to it and has only contacted me about mail issues.

Otherwise, like everyone else said, keep busy. I've met so many cool people and done so much cool shit over the past few months that it's insane.

My advice is unhealthy. It involves a bottle of Jack Daniels, a dark room, and as many albums about break-ups as you can manage (The Meadowlands, by The Wrens is a good example). Drink said Jack in said dark room whilst listening to said album until you are sick and tired of crying it out. NOTE: Please do not attempt this if you might do something foolish (more foolish than the advice anyway).


The more I think about it, even though this always worked for me in the past, I'm not sure I an heartily endorse it to anyone...

Weed and Xanax.

No, just kidding. I was dumped from a long term relationship recently, and tried "being friends." It doesn't work. Sever all ties! And hang out with friends. Don't mope. And don't dwell on the issue, just forget it, because you can't fix it or go back. Better just to leave it behind.

Oh, and if she left anything in your house/apartment, either burn, bury, or hide every last item. Well, you could probably save a few things, but pack them away for the time being.

heh I recently dated a girl, who after 3 months decided we were just dating the whole time and tried to rationalize the break up. I understood it was going to end, as the relationship was going to be long distance, but we still had some time together.

The worst part was she never told me she was feeling this way though, and dropped the bomb on me a few days ago. I was more shocked that she lead me on and didn't tell me the truth initially. She played sweet right up till the moment of telling me. She had rationalized quite a bit and assumed a lot about me to justify the breakup. When I told her she was wrong and calmly explained a counterpoint, she would jump to another excuse.

I'm a lot better now, as my emotional attachment wasn't that much, but it was a sudden left field moment.

Really though, I'm better for it. The relationship had to end pretty much, there was a pretty huge age gap, she had a massive ego, and she had a lot of insecurity. She wants to be friends, but she's not getting the chance at the moment. I have other things to deal with (like school exams) and time is very much needed.

edit:
she even sent me an email after I told her not to contact me for a little bit explaining everything, trying to tell me about the process of dating. Yeah thanks for telling me something I already knew about.

Also much support for other chewers.

Absolutely this. For the last week I have been on a "break" from my girlfriend while we reassess things (prognosis: it's not looking good) and I spent the first few days with only myself for company and I drove myself mad. Turns out I just irritate myself, so it's a good thing I don't have a clone.

I started trying to do things, re-reading my Cormac McCarthy collection, taking my dog for long drives to the beach, meet up with friends for drinks... The types of things I'd do if I were just living an everyday, drama-free life. It did wonders.

Keep your mind busy and you probably won't even notice the moment where you transition from fretting and stressing over what has happened to no longer giving a fuck.

I sadly have absolutely no advice for Martin, other than my deepest condolences. I can't imagine how I would face something like that, all my best to you and your family.

Sorry to hear that happened. Honestly, 99% of the time nothing good can come from remaining friends with exes. Sometimes they do not understand this though...and will cling to you for 2 years by contacting you constantly, to the point of getting creepy and stalkerish...finding out information about you from other people, using other people's phones and/or facebook accounts to find out what you're doing. Yes, I speak from experience on that one. Tried to just cut off contact by ignoring her calls/texts...she never got it though. After two years I finally blocked her phone number. Her Facebook was blocked the moment we broke up. She wouldnt give up even though I've been with my current girlfriend (who I now live with and will be getting married to in the near future) for a year and a half. Fucking whackjob.

It's really the best thing you can do. Eventually, it's possible that you won't care and can actually go back to at least being friends. But you have to be completely healed of her for that to happen and it takes time.

In my case, it's a little more difficult because there's a kid involved and we were actually married. But, for two years there, I did my best to stay away. I couldn't totally stay away and now, because she's softened up, we run the risk of being friends again and.... well.... feelings come up again and it's inevitable.

So, I'm screwed I guess.

But you don't have that problem. So just stay away. Meet new and interesting people whenever you have the chance. There is a saying in spanish: Un clavo saca a otro clavo. Literal translation: It takes a nail to hammer out another nail.

So, basically, find another girl who you are attracted to and who is there for you and this friend won't matter.

It may seem impossible, but you do meet someone else and find you can transfer your affections there. As long as it's someone safe, it works. By "safe" I mean available.

This is classic. The dog that won't eat but won't let others eat from his bowl either. Don't let her get away with this. She likes the fact that you have feelings. All people crave attention and ego boosts. But she won't commit to you for whatever reason. Yet, she doesn't want to let you go either because she likes knowing that you're there. It's fucking infuriating, man. And, since you obviously know better, don't fall into that trap. Because she'll keep stringing you along while you let real opportunities pass you by.

I just got my heart broken last week. It's certainly not as serious as some of the scenarios outlined here -it falls into the 'unsuccessful play for a long-term crush at a pivotal, work-based summer party' category- but it's seriously fucked me up. Constantly fantasising about being with someone is painful enough, but when that fantasy gets torn to shreds it's absolutely brutal. Distracted myself with MacGruber this weekend, but obviously that's not a round-the-clock remedy. My heartfelt sympathy to any Chewer nursing a broken heart, whatever the circumstances.

As someone who recently went through something that sounds very similar to what you are, I feel compelled to point out that there's a strong chance you'll feel much, much better soon. A lot sooner than you probably think possible right now. You may well not believe this and be sick of hearing this kind of stuff right now, but you're probably hearing it (or will hear it) a lot with good reason.

I'm sorry, Martin. You have my sympathies.

Wisdom beyond his years.

I get the feeling I could've used you for a drinking buddy, in the not too distant past. In all probability, the same goes for you as for Lloyd, Ricardo. Just keep plugging away and you'll likely feel much better sooner rather than later. And yes, distractions help. Distractions that involve leaving the house and not being alone.

Ouchie. That's rough man. Girls seem to be the biggest cause for problems with my sanity. Parents deathly ill? No problem. Dropped out of college? No problem. Girlfriend of a month dumps me? I'm a sobbing mess that can't eat or sleep and am depressed for several months.

There is no answer for me. Stay busy, COMPLETELY cut her out of your life (though I know that's not for everyone, so take it for what it's worth), and try doing new things.

That's half worked and not worked for me. I've made new girlfriends doing that kind of thing, but when I don't it almost makes me feel even more lonely and isolated. And the last year and a half have been more unsuccessful, though I can only assume it's leading somewhere good. I've partly been going to the wrong venues where there aren't many girls and have been working constantly, so I know I have to change my priorities.

*Watches The Dark Knight*

Was in a very similar situation a long time ago. At a certain point, I got completely tired of it and completely cut off ties. Without so much a word. Like a cold-blooded gangsta. Nothing really triggered it. Just a realization that no good would come out of it.

Yup. Time. Time and doing other things you enjoy to occupy your time.

I talk to her now pretty frequently now. I would be lying if I said I was COMPLETELY over her. The heart wonders... But I now have a very healthy distance from the whole thing. Really! I DO!

Yeah, I wouldn't endorse it either. By the time "Happy" ends, I want to claw my eyes out so that I don't cry. Great album, though!

Kinda mixed on this. I agree on meeting new and interesting people (especially women), but at the same time be careful to ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY NOT INFECT A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT FROM THE LAST ONE. I know that's not exactly what you meant with the "transfer of affections" part, but there are too many people who will read that as "Okay let me dump all my shit onto you, new girl/guy" and do that instead.

Plus it's always good to have some downtime (read: SELFISH, "I'M SINGLE AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME" time) after a breakup, if anything just to re-assess yourself, get your head on straight, and think about how the relationship/breakup impacted/changed you instead of just leaping from one relationship to the other.

Oh yeah, this. I've gone out with a few girls in the last year and I could always see it would go nowhere fast. I can only chalk it up to bad luck, but every girl I've gone out with in this time has had no personality. Boring, not outgoing at all, not smiling, almost as if they were trying to get me not to like them. Getting them to talk was like pulling teeth.

It was definitely enough to make me realize that just because a girl's pretty doesn't mean she's fun to be around at all.

I think we can all go home now.

Heart broken? A little, more or less, frustrated. I know many have the notion that I'm some porn addicted, verbally abbusive husband, but I'm really not. My wife suffers from sevre depression. But she refuses to go to therapy, or to take meds. She took pills for a short while two years ago, and I could see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with returing, but she ended up flushing the pills. The worst part of it, is the verbal abuse she gives our son. He is only three, and she yells at him like a drill sgt. He is sick this weekend, with a head cold, and of course, he just wants to be held. But she will have none of it, she screams at him to leave her alone, and just treats him like a dog. It's really sad, and gets me so frustrated.

Absolutely. It's a bit of a cliché (and most good advice is) but you won't know what you want from a future relationship until you've figured out who you are right now. You can be sure if this ended badly (or even if it ended amicably) that your priorities and attitudes will have altered somewhat, and you need to evaulate that stuff because otherwise you might just seek out the same type of person and create the same type of problems.

Take your time and, while you're getting your equilibrium back, enjoy a life without complications and have some fun with it. There is no rush to get back on the saddle, rushing yourself is when regrets start to rear their ugly head.

after my first "adult" relationship ended, a few of my friends, and I went camping for a three day weekend. It was fun, and got my mind off a lot of shit. No matter what tho, if you are experiencing heartbreak, you have to realize, it's going to get worse, before it get's better. Only time is going to heal it, and it's better to fill that time with friends, and work to make ti go faster.

My girlfriend just broke up with me not too long ago. Was looking to purchase a ring and propose to her in August on her birthday. Not really doing too well. I don't even feel like going outside to get fresh air. Hell, it's probably why I've been on these boards so much. To get some sort of social interaction outside the mundaneness of law school.

And then there's August still, so far away. And even after that date passes, it will haunt you in the rearview mirror, cause it's still close, but past the point of ever going back to it.

Jesus dude. I'm getting depressed over here just thinking about it.

I'll echo the advice bouncing around this thread: Get up, move, explore, take yourself out of your everyday rut and not only heal, but perhaps grow and better yourself in the process. It's a cliche, but a cliche for a reason: it works and works well.

Man, we should all just put on some old sad bastard music.

"I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry, I just want something I can ignore."

Pomp: Go the fuck outside. Seriously. Some of my worst days were the ones where I'd stay cooped up in my room doing nothing aside from screwing around on the internet, reading, and feeling mopey and horribly depressed. As soon as I got up, got dressed, and got outside, I felt way better. Just getting some fresh air and being around people made me do an emotional 180. Pretty girls helped.

Even if you DON'T have any plans for the day, take a shower and get dressed as opposed to sitting around all day on the couch in your underwear. It's the little things like that that will help you through the mental funk.

why'd she break it off?

I feel your pain man. Same thing happened to me awhile back but I already had the ring. She then broke it off over the phone while telling me she was with another guy. I took it bad and self destructed and almost failed out of college. Plus side is now I'm a married happy guy down side, she's in the same grad school classes as I'm in and it still hurts like hell.

Keep busy and spend time with friends. It works.

Distance and issues with her own self. She's incredibly insecure. She hates her job, hates her life in her town, but she can't escape. And she's obviously unwilling to change to make our relationship better.

She's the greatest person I know in this world and I love her so much still. I probably will for a very long time. She loves me, I know that, but we can't do it until she figures out who she wants to be and when she wants to do that.

Thanks for the help everyone.

The last goddamn thing either of you guys should do is (re)watch any John Cusack films. Seriously, just stay away from those right now.

Yeah, I'd stay away from the Cusack.

I can understand this. While I may of not been in love with this one, its good that sometimes these things break so we can find that better person.

That's the thing. There's nobody better. When we're together, we're both really happy and things go smoothly. When we're apart is when things go this way. I told her I'm not giving up, but she's kinda disappeared from me altogether. I guess the only thing I can do is keep holding on until things finally go my way. If not, it's more pain for me. It's the only thing I can do right now and it feels right.