Depression

Good for you for seeking help. As someone who currently lives a live sans friends and constantly drunk, I applaud you. This comes across as somewhat jokey, but I mean every word. I completely understand you and hope you find the help you need.

Life is a bitch. I mean that sincerely as someone who spends most of their life sauced to the gills. I suspect I'm much younger than you, but my college experience was a raging bitch and I now find myself back living with my parents, unemployable, and feeling like the lowest of dirt. Depression, I understand.

In all seriousness, I hope you find the help that you need. This is something I know a lot about and though we may not know eachother, I sincerely hope it works out for you.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to seek help is a big step Pomp. Don't be afraid of medicating yourself at least for a while to give your emotions a chance to clear the decks a bit - but if you go that route, do it in tandem with some serious councilling.

Very best of luck mate. I'm rooting for you.

First, I don't think it's selfish. Second, I'm really happy to hear that you are going to get professional help. My thoughts are with you.

I attempted suicide back in film school, I think that was 2 or 3 years ago. I dropped out, moved back in with my parents, and got on medication that actually worked. This year I stopped being covered by their insurance, so I can't afford the medicine, and haven't been on it for about 5 months.

Just this week after a bad meltdown (lots of little shit that built on itself) I realized that I'll never ascend above where I am right now (living in my parent's basement, not taking any steps to achieve my aspirations and goals) unless I can get back on the meds, so now I'm looking for a full-time job with health benefits.

More than anything, having a good support system has saved my life. My mother and father were very supportive when I came back home, and gave me the time I needed to pick myself back up. Recently it's been my girlfriend, Carly, who's been very supportive and encouraging. I've had a couple breakdowns since College, but no serious suicide attempts, which is good, and she's been there for me the whole time.

Set up a support system of some kind, make sure that you have people in your life who love and care about you, and let them know how you're feeling. As someone who has terrible self-esteem issues, I know that my first instinct is that you don't want to bother or worry anyone, that you're not worth the trouble to help. But you DO want them to worry about you, and you want to be honest with them. I'm sure it's possible to face your problems alone, to be stoic and to think yourself happy, but it's extremely fucking unlikely. You need people who can look at you objectively and tell you're not hopeless.

You're taking the first step, which is important, but the hard part is not being too afraid to continue, to be honest with yourself, and to see the whole thing through, doing what is only best for you.

I don't really know you, but I hope things get better for you soon.

Despite the fact that I'd rather avoid medication and have for a while, I just started on a course of antidepressants (for chronic major depression and bipolar disorder), because I figure they're healthier than the pretty big overdoses of sleeping pills and alcohol that repeatedly put me in like pretty serious danger and maybe-permanently estranged me from some of my closest friends over the past few years.

To be honest, I don't really feel that much better now--except enough to realize that one's experience of life is more defined by context and emotion than by logic--and that if you're feeling down it's easy to fool yourself into repeating behaviors that reify your feelings of worthlessness, all the while blaming self-made failures on external forces. If it takes seeing old friends and avoiding fake shitty ones, cutting off ties with emotional siphons, taking time off from school or work to provide some perspective, or even getting therapy and medication: do it. The first step toward changing a bad situation is gaining the emotional distance from it to approach it objectively, or at least with an attitude that's not part of a self-destructive cycle.

I second Ripoll's comments about having a good support system. That is crucial.

No one could've been more against meds that I was (and I still have a deep and abiding suspicion/hatred for big pharmaceutical companies and their products). However, I have taken antidepressants, mostly for situational reasons - working on a PhD sends a lot of people toward medication; the stress (and non-existent job market waiting for me) can definitely take its toll.

Long story/short: they helped me a LOT. Some of the newer medications (those that came out after Prozac, Zoloft, etc.) are much better - the old zombie numbness that people associate with those isn't present in a lot of newer ones. Just got to find the right one for you. PM if you want to talk more about them.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. We're pulling for ya.

Due to the fact that I'm out of school, 25 going on 26, and have yet to work on a campaign that offers a decent health insurance plan, I've been dealing with untreated clinical depression with suicidal ideation for about two years now. My particular expression of it tends toward the sleepless variety, so it actually helps my work more than it hurts it, which is weird. I tend to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, and sex.

Since my brother died towards the beginning of my adult life and I didn't really stop being a functional blackout drunk until I lost my insurance, I also didn't piece together that my family is completely and utterly dysfunctional until late last year, too. The whole "your psychotic, wife-beating brother just broke your hand and your parents not only covered for him but also took the position that you 'brought this on yourself'" thing was sort of the main moment of epiphany when it came to that.

At this point, I have no real support network. The hours at work kind of prevent me from hanging out with my good friends much, the family is actually part of the problem, the family members I would turn to are all dead, and the person who I turned to for support outside of them is a complete fucking loon with whom I'm trying to remain parted for both our sakes.

So, I feel for you, man.

Good for you, Pomp, for seeking out help. That's the first & best step one can take when tackling "the black dog".

Me, I've been struggling with severe clinical depression since I was 10 & have only gotten a handle on it in the past couple years (I'm 34, have been hospitalized twice after failed suicide attempts & wasted my 20's trying to get a handle on this). Unfortunately, there isn't manual for mental illness, so recognizing that there is a problem & asking for help is a huge step toward dealing with this shit.

A major turning point in my own fight was the realization that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think my way out of it. It was a real, physical problem & needed to be treated as such. From there, I began taking Zoloft (after being off it for a few years). Since being on it, I've got control of the wheel again.

Here in L.A., I was able to get some assistance from an LA County Mental Health Clinic where they set me up with meds & a psychiatrist. Hopefully, there's an equivalent public program in your area. If so, they at least may be able to point you in the direction to get you on the road to recovery.

Good luck to you.

Here's a great recent interview about the depression & the brain worth checking out http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/11078

Depression is often dismissed with a 'cheer up, you miserable bastard'. In some cases it is a problem though. But the important thing is to keep busy and remember there are lots of people worse off than you. I'm having trouble finding a decent job but my wife's aunt just died and her sister has a terminally ill baby- it's a genetic condition that has killed 5 babies in our family. They knew he had the condition the moment he was born. There is a 25% chance it will happen to our family. My wife and I were lucky last year. Her sister wasn't. Their 4 week old son has literally days to live. My problems are nothing compared to that. So stop thinking about yourself and get busy living. And do lots of exercise. 45 minutes per day-hard- will make you feel a lot better.

I've talked about my history of mental problems and depression enough on the boards over the last decade for it to be talked out, but I can't emphasize enough how careful you have to be with anti-depressants. This isn't some Scientology-Jenny McCarthy shit, and I'm speaking only from my own experience here, but if you're not careful and aware of how the drugs are making you feel, top to bottom, you're trading one set of symptoms for another. In my case, there was almost a complete shutdown of my creative faculties. Now, I made the decision to stop taking them at the absolute worst time in my life (starting college) and that has had long-term effects that I'm still dealing with (being the first person in my family in three generations to drop out of college), but ultimately, I'm glad I did it. I have good days and bad days, but at least I know how to get through the bad days without medication, and the bad days come and go a lot less than they used to. I worry that accepting the fact I have dysthalmic depression and probably always will has completely shat on my concentration and creative focus (vicious circle), but I also think I just need to spend less time on the internet.

Fucking off to work at summer camps and experiential ed centers for nearly five years isn't a recommended solution by any stretch, though.

Your symptoms sound a lot like what got me diagnosed with bipolar disorder (e.g. suicidal ideation, ridiculous academic overachievement, productivity associated with sleeplessness, regular self-medication with alcohol and benzodiazepines, a family history of alcoholism and massive disfunction, etc.), although I've been lucky enough to avoid the family tragedies you've experienced and hence my problems are mostly related to me being a pretty huge, self-centered ass.

I really hope things improve for you, though, and I empathize strongly with elements of your story. My current dilemma is that I'm depressed as fuck but I can't take full therapeutic doses of traditional antidepressants (SSRIs) without inciting a "manic episode," which sucks because those are a lot of fun and I often do awesome stuff during them.

If you're uninsured and sensitive to SSRIs, you might want to consider trying a large dose of St. John's Wort and reducing your REM sleep, which can boost serotonin levels pretty effectively, though likely not enough to combat bad clinical depression.

I have had mixed success with the meds myself and can understand some one being reluctant to rely on them. One thing I have found over the last year or so is to get regular exercise. I know it sounds a little trite, but the endorphin release has been more effective than any SSRI I have tried.

Thanks. Outside of booze, assorted drugs, and women, the things that I've been using to level out thus far are Omega-3 supplements (the psychiatrist at Berkeley recommended 1g of DHA and EPA every day), passage meditation, and prayer. I'll look into the things you suggest.

The cancer, unmended broken hand--thank you, pineoblastoma and hydrocephalus for completely nullifying my natural response to painful stimulus--and epilepsy also make this super interesting, really.

Well, now how can I bitch about my depression after reading this.

Definitely take your psychiatrist's advice over mine but it's worth asking her about it; from what I understand it's widely prescribed in parts of Europe in lieu of SSRIs (then again you can't a prescription for anything good in Europe and like everyone there self-medicates like absolute crazy so maybe it's useless).

I'm so sorry to learn about your family and medical issues, though. I've never dealt with either (past the point of vanilla massive disfunction), but I wish you all the best coping with both.

I really didn't need this thread right now.

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely utilize professional help. My problems weren't even 1/3rd of what yours are, yet a handful of therapy sessions made me realize what I wanted and where I stood. Good on you for deciding to go through with it. That's a way tougher decision to make than anyone who hasn't been there can realize. My best to you, and holla @ me if you feel stuck or need someone to bitch at, because while my boat ain't as big, it looks a lot like yours. Been there, done that.

It's easier said than done, Jake. There's no need to get into the sucky details but there are people depending on me who are already at the verge of serious stuff going wrong both mentally and physically. For better or worse I've become their source of emotional and financial support. It may exacerbate my stuff but for now the only way I can see for me not to inflict damage on people I care about is to grin and bear it.

Good luck Pomp. Just know that there is a solution to your problems. And remember, if the first anti-depressant doesn't work out don't just give up hope. Took me SIX different medications until I finally found the one that works for me. Been on it for the past three years now.

Diagnosed during my senior year at high school. This was ten years ago. The bottom seemed to drop out and my life has been at a standstill since then.

I was terrible to friends and tried on many occasions to avoid them.

I haven't had a job in four years. My last job was at a deli but the depression, along with anxiety, my co-workers, and awful customers who think just because they live in the suburbs that the world revolves around them forced me to quit because I was very close to a breakdown.

Tried on several occasions to commit suicide. The thoughts appear occasionally but the medications I'm on has taken away the ambition to follow through on them.

The medications also drain me of any energy so I sleep for most of the day.

I've always had a fear of being around people (including family) but I've noticed it's gotten worse over the past few months. I've tried to overcome it by going out in public and even going to NYC with a friend for a day this past April but the fear is still there.

Besides seeing a counselor, music and the occasional Henry Rollins book have been there for me but I'm not sure if they're even working. I'd like to think that The Clash, Husker Du, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, and James Ellroy got me through my junior and senior years of high school.

There was a real bad period in February 2002 when I didn't have any medication. This lasted for two weeks. It was the worst I've ever felt in my life before or since.

The OCD is fun. Chronic hand washing to the point where I have brown splotches on my hands, checking the ceilings of everyone's bedrooms in my house so that no spiders are lurking about, and repeatedly checking if the stove is on or if the doors in my house are locked.

I'm 27 years old. I'm unemployed, I don't have a driver's license, and I'm still living with my parents.

I feel powerless to change anything. I'll never be able to change anyone's mind about anything or put up a halfway decent argument about any subject. Why I joined a message board I'll never know. I guess I thought I had something of value to share. If you read my history of posts on here, you'll see that I don't. I don't have much of a personality. I just exist.

My counselor says I'm hyper vigilant and I tend to be very sensitive. He says that these are positive traits. I have to disagree. I wish I didn't care about anything.

I guess this information is fair game. I try to tell my family as little as possible because they have problems of their own and mine do not compare to what they go through everyday. So, like Stelios, I grin and bear it. I usually keep this to myself but I feel the need to let this out. So I might as well share it with a message board full of strangers.

I've had varying levels of depression throughout my life. This culminated in two suicide attempts in 1999 and 2001. I was placed in a psychiatric hospital both times. A big part of this is a complete disinterest in social contact. I've had friends in my life, but have never felt any connection to anyone, except my wife. Whenever I do start to get along with anyone I sabotage it in subtle ways. Depression is the most self-centered of diseases. I turned forty at the end of last year and am way to old for this high school, gothy bullshit, but there it is.

That was the resume portion (thanks Dorothy Parker) this is the advise part:

Break your year, your month, your week, etc down into things to look forward to. It can be small things or things that might seem trivial. Movies are a good place. What movies haven't you seen, but want to? What movies are coming out in the future? This makes a Netflix queue oddly comforting. Look forward to a good meal. Anything is helpful.

As has been mentioned, don't be afraid of medication. The first one I was put on was Paxil. It made me feel slightly dizzy. When I would forget it for even one day the dizziness and sickness became unbearable. As you can tell by my second suicide attempt it didn't take. This is where monitoring your thoughts and emotions can be helpful. More on that later. If I told my doctor what was happening he could have switched my meds and I would have had one less suicide attempt. Budeprion XL (Wellbutrin XL) and it has been working for 8 or 9 years. Also, DO NOT stop taking your meds if you're feeling better.

Watch what you're thinking and feeling. Not just for medication; dwelling on things in a negative direction can cost you your life. A few years after my second suicide attempt I read a story about a guy who built his own guillotine and use it to kill himself and I started thinking "Wow that's cleaver, I wish I thought of that." That's sick. A few months after my first attempt I started mulling over the idea in my mind, weighing methods. This grew from earlier ruminating about how much trouble I had caused in my wife's life. That grew from blowing up failures, small and large, into a portrait of myself as a failed human being. One thought leads to another. Steer yourself away from this kind of ruminating. Many people in this thread have had truly horrible events in their life. That's what they are--events. They aren't your life, just moments in your life. I don't mean to making this sound easy--it's not. Changing patterns is a hard task, but worth it. It's a constant thing.

There are a lot of smart, talented people in this thread. Remember things you've accomplished or things you're good at. Post them on the damn refrigerator if you have to.

Talk therapy/group therapy didn't work for me, but don't be afraid of it. It way work for you.

Lastly, don't be alone. This is a hard one for me. Don't avoid people. They are most likely going through their own shit.

Sorry for the length.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

St. John's Wort will not be strong enough to help depression that appears as deep as Cuch is describing. If he is thinking about suicide enough for it it be labeled St. John's Wort isn't going to take the edge off, it will be nothing but a waste of money.

And towards the matter of reducing REM sleep? Holy shit. Stage 3 and 4 REM sleep is when your body actually produces serotonin. Reducing it only makes the situation worse.

Man, I really hope most of you sort this shit out. I feel for you. Don't be afraid to seek as much help as you need, but also don't let yourself get bogged down in the realization that you have a "problem." And I'd hesitate to think of it that way. A "setback," sure. But it's doable. We all have our crutches and all that.

Oh, and try to laugh. Find as many excuses as you can to have a good laugh and a smile. Sounds cheesy, I know.

Dude, seriously. If what you're doing isn't helping then do something else. I went through a lot of shit before I found what works for me. The important thing is to not give up.

While I have never suffered from depression on a long term basis, my niece has. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that my entire family has watched her suffer over the past 15 years or so: she cut frequently herself, abused drugs and alcohol, and was withdrawn from the world. She also attempted suicide at least once (that I'm aware of). The good news is that she finally came to terms with what was causing her depression and anxiety through counseling and medication. It took her a while but she is now independent, in a caring relationship, and working on a career. She seems happy and engaged with the world now, and we're all proud of her.

My sincere best wishes to all of you who are suffering through depression.

Mr Estoppel,

I am sorry to hear that you are doing poorly! I myself have struggled with similar issues, and while things are currently on a fairly even keel, I can definitely relate to your situation. I think you're doing the right thing by contacting the wellness center. I have a friend who was really unprepared for college, and had something of a break down. He spent a week or two in a psyc unit place at the hospital, and in the end things turned out OK for him.

I wish you the best of luck in confronting your problems. You seem to have the right attitude, and that's a great sign.


PS Mr Shaver,

I wouldn't be too concerned about spiders in other peoples rooms. Spiders tend to stay put, for the most part. If they're web builders, they'll stay around their webs as long as they're not disturbed. Definitely check your own room, but the spiders in other locations in your house are probably not an immediate threat to your slumber. (hope this helps)

Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Kate!

It's OCD, dear, you can't reason with it.

stelios, speaking from experience, if you're suffering you need to seek out help. I was in a similar position a few years back - lots of folk depending on me, et cetera - and I tried to plow through it, but ended up breaking right the fuck down and hurting everyone around me. In the long run, it's better to fix the problem and then get on with the business of being there for others. Hell, look to these people for support even as you support them - mutual tackling of shitty life issues can often ease the burden.

My heart goes out to all of you, and I wish each of you the very best. I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, but the highly unusual circumstances surrounding my mother's death (she was killed when I was a year old, and I was lied to by everyone as to what really happened until I was fifteen) has been a constant source of great sorrow and confusion for me throughout my life, thus... I'm definitely no stranger to having suicidal thoughts on the regular. Of all the advice given here thus far, I think staying busy and spending time with really good friends is a must. As trite as it might sound, I've always found solace in watching films that make me genuinely laugh to the point of tears. Writing about it helps me too. Seeing all my angst on paper really goes a long way in helping me process it all and put it in proper perspective. If any of you have ever entertained the thought of learning how to play a musical instrument, no words can adequately express the sheer joy that playing/composing brings you. If I could teach the world, I'd do so in a heart beat.

Good luck to all of you.

My advice was more generalized to everybody, but in your circumstance you gotta be careful to not get so caught up in everyone else's stuff that you forget about yourself. I know that's generally easier said than done, but you're a good dude and we all need to give ourselves a personal re-evaluation every once in a while.

My depression was dealt with simultaneously with my drug problem (Chicken or the egg, I'm not sure if my addiction brought the depression on or if my depression led to me being a junkie from 14 to 20, but I'm pretty sure it was the latter). Years of therapy (I still go, but I'm down to once every two weeks, down from a high of three times a week) and meds (which I am currently off of, for about 2 years) seem to have been the biggest help in my recovery.

I struggle with 'OCD' type issues myself, but I don't think there is any harm in trying to reason your way through such problems . I suffer from terrible arachnophobia and so believe me, the spider menace is not something I take lightly. I thought as an arachnophobe I might be able to offer up some words of comfort. Anyway, was just trying to help.

Fair enough, that's why the internet is no replacement for like a doctor. While I can probably dig up studies supporting both my specific claims, your broader point (i.e. that I'm no doctor and we're dealing with "serious bizzness" so don't fuck around) stands irrespective.

Fwiw, I did find some relief from St. John's Wort while like constantly thinking about killing myself (I'll never go through with it; I'm a hedonist) but also my reaction to it may have been extremely strong due to the whole bipolar thing, which I'm just recently learning about and which means I shouldn't have taken it in the first place!

Pomp,

All I can offer is to say that, while I don't know you, it's pretty obvious that you're a great, giving guy who deserves some happiness himself, and that you shouldn't feel guilty about going after that happiness in whatever way you see fit. There are better times ahead of you if you can just struggle your way through the shit - I'm sure of it.

Yeah, but don't get too down. You're doing something about it, and that's a huge step that takes people a LOT of time to get to (or so I hear. I can imagine though).

Just stay on it and call them back on Tuesday. In the meantime, try to do something, ANYTHING fun this weekend. Hell, be as selfish as you possibly can in the meantime in the name of fun, laughs and enjoyment. I know it's tough though.


Another thing that I've heard of helping people and it's helped me in the past: set a limit on your moping. Allow yourself to mope/wallow in whatever it is for a set amount of time (a few hours, half a day, whatever) and then you make a time and NO MATTER WHAT, pouty time is over. Even if you're totally having to fake it, get out of the house, smile, etc. etc.

Even if you're not feeling it at that moment (and honestly, you probably won't for the most part, and that's normal) just going through the motions of a happy/"normal" person will start to seep in over time. It'll be like muscle memory. Also the main thing here is that your interactions with others, limited though they may be, will be more positive. Even if you feel like shit, people are more prone to throw positivity your way when you don't look like the world just shat on your breakfast. And THAT, the reactions/interaction you'll hopefully draw from others will help pull you out of this, even if only for a moment.

You've taken the most important step already though, Pomp. You've made the decision to go ahead and do something. I'm confident you'll be able to navigate your way through this holiday weekend without much trouble until the wellness center is open next week. If all else fails, an incidental roman candle shot or two to a hatriotic face in the crowd always brightens my mood.

Try your best not to fret it, man. It'll be Tuesday before you know it.

BTW, Pompoussory Estoppel :

I was thinking about your story last night at length, and I just wanted to mention you might want to be careful not to tell *everything* (the self harm, especially) to the wellness center people after they get back from the holiday weekend. You may not be familiar with how that kind of thing can spiral out of control. Get the help you need, by all means, but keep in mind that sometimes the people you're talking to are not acting with your best interests at heart. They can be a helpful resource, but you need to make sure you manage that resource correctly and don't over expose yourself. I had something like that happen to me a few years ago, and I posted about it here in case you want to read up on my experience. Unfortunately that incident kind of put me off therapy ETC for a while, and since you are looking for help I don't want you to suddenly find yourself in over your head when you seek it out.

Also, if you need to talk there are hotlines you can call where you can anonymously vent if you're feeling really down. This one seems to be more about suicidal thoughts, which you say you are not having, but just in case here you go

Again, best of luck. I enjoy chatting with you on CHUD and look forward to many fun discussions in the future!

That's really dangerous advice, Kate.

Agreed, it really is.

If you are having a crisis, talk to someone. Just be aware that you can not be in crisis and yet have something you say trigger the 'crisis team'. I had to spend three days in a hell hole of a hospital and it was awful. I don't think it's dangerous to point that out and advise caution in terms of who you trust your inner most thoughts to

Anyway, I was thinking it over last night and felt I needed to mention it. Decide on your own if it's worthwhile advice, but I can tell you that I sure wish someone had given me that advice before the whole incident I wrote about. It's not a made up concern on my part, over action by those types.

EDIT: And it was genuinely shitty because I needed to talk about certain things in my life but instead the therapy shut down the second I said that I thought that suicide was OK in certain situations (even though I made clear I was talking about other cultures, ETC).

I'm not going to get into an argument with a brick wall, but once you start down the road where you're calling "suicidal" "kind of depressed" and so on, you're not honestly looking at your problems, and you're no longer treating your condition. The most dangerous part of Kate's advice is that downplaying the severity of your problems is often one's first instinct, and therefore the piece of advice you might tend to follow in a panicked moment. Be completely honest. You can't be helped if you start second guessing the people who are trying to help you.

He didn't say he was suicidal. If you are, Estopple, do indeed talk about that to someone. Preferably a professional and not random people online

I am not talking about downplaying your problems at all. Be honest about them. Just make sure you trust that person first. The person who I was talking to was not someone I'd seen before for therapy, and I don't think he cared about me as an individual. I was just a risk assessment, and he decided that it was safer for him to get me section 12'd than to take my word that I was not suicidal.

If Pomp is not suicidal, I wouldn't want him to get treated like I was. They did 15 minute checks on my for three days, and like I said, it was a nightmare. The whole time they're checking on me to see if I was in the process of offing myself, I was counting the minutes till I could go home and watch ROME and chill out. You honestly do need to be careful not to let someone label you as a risk if you are not. That's a legitimate concern but I'll be quiet about it now.

EDIT: And I'm a person, not a wall. No need to be rude to me here, Patrick.

You could walk through the Village of the Damned unscathed, Kate.

I don't even know what that means. Possessed children? Huh?

Not trying to be pissy here but I feel like I just got stomped on by you guys after opening up about something that is a difficult subject for me.

Fair enough, and I am glad you've decided to get help. There have been times in my life where I was not strong enough to make that decision when it probably would have helped alot.