Xena- Better then You Remember? - Page 4

 

Season 2, Episode 17 The Execution

Summary

Gabrielle is telling Xena a story about Meleager. Xena has heard this story. She is done with it. She would prefer stories about herself. They arrive in a town expecting to meet Meleager but find a bunch of sad sacks in dark clothes headed for court. Xena and Gabrielle follow because court is FUN.

I think Xena is still jealous of Meleager. Gabrielle says his name again and some drunk dudes attack. Woah nelly is it obvious that we’re looking at O’Connor’s stunt doubles on the reverses. I mean the hair isn’t even close to the same color. Anyways the fight ends and they head back to court. Whee Meleager is on trial. Er. Where he’s being sentenced. This guy, Judge Arbus, listens to Gabrielle talk about how awesome Meleager is. But just because a dude is awesome doesn’t mean he’s innocent of crimes. Arbus declares Meleager guilty of murder and sentences him to death.

TITLES. I love Xena’s facial reactions. Like she doesn’t talk she just REACTS.

Gabrielle and Meleager are both sure of his innocence. Xena? Not so much. Arbus is apparently an amazingly fair judge, and Gabrielle just has passion and love on her side. Still Xena decides to side with Gabrielle for now and go talk to Arbus. Gabrielle and Meleager chat. They work so well together.

Outside a dude is trying to sell replicas of Meleager’s murder weapon to Xena. A bunch of other people are gathering early to watch the execution. Gross. Arbus appears and tells them they should all be ashamed of themselves. Damn. Why does he have to be so classy?

Xena tries to chat with Arbus about the case. Arbus kind of threatens her almost? Then some lady gives a first hand account of the murder. Xena is now a little sad because Meleager may be guilty.

Gabrielle comes up and tells her there may be a guy who can get him off…who might be a cyclops. Xena asks that Gabrielle instead spend time with Meleager before his execution because he’s probably guilty. Gabrielle runs off all sad.

She goes to the prison with a huge cart of food and drugs all of the guards. Then she breaks Meleager out and sends him off to find the cyclops. She stays behind and gets caught. Ruh roh.

Xena goes to check on Argo and investigates some stuff? Then she hears a commotion and finds Gabrielle about to be torn apart by the townspeople. She uses Argo, of course, to flip into the middle of things and defend Gabrielle. Arbus arrives and puts the lynching to a stop. But insists that if Meleager is gone Gabrielle will take his place. Xena says no. She’ll find Meleager and she’ll take Gabrielle with her. 

On the hunt for Meleager Gabrielle asks Xena to reconsider. She won’t. They find Meleager and Gabrielle tells him to haul it. He does. But this is Xena he’s running from. Gabrielle then steps in front of Xena and refuses to move. She begs Xena to just walk away. Xena’s kind of horrified at Gabrielle’s willingness to ignore the law for friendship. She then flips over Gabrielle and continues to chase. Gabrielle follows.

Xena catches us wit Meleager and they both throw their swords away and set to fighting each other. Poor Meleager is too old for this shit. Finally Xena tells Meleager that if he doesn’t go back then Gabrielle will hang in his place. Gabrielle arrives and tries to defend Meleager, but he tells her to stop. He lied about the cyclops and he killed the man. He was drunk at the time. He won’t have Gabrielle be punished for his crime and agrees to go back.

Gabrielle is upset, but she’s more upset about the drinking then the murdering. Ouch.

That night Meleager and Xena talk about Gabrielle. Meleager is pretty upset about lying to Gabrielle. Xena then wonders how Meleager was cut in the first place. Turns out he gave himself up so that he’d wouldn’t hurt the villagers trying to arrest him. Honest dude. Xena goes and tells Gabrielle to talk to Meleager. She points out a significant flaw of Gabrielle’s; her tendency to put people on pedestals. She finally agrees to talk to Meleager so that they’ll part as friends and free of guilt.

The next morning Meleager mentions something about the murder that peaks Xena’s curiosity. But villagers attack with arrows. Xena catches ALL of them. She even catches some with her teeth. Then she catches the guy with a noose around the chest and tells him to tell Arbus that she’ll bring Meleager in when she’s ready.

They head to the cave Meleager passed out in rather then to town. There they find a sword and Xena now knows Meleager is innocent…because she killed him.  Apparently she ran into him attacking a dude. They fought. She stabbed him. He mounted his horse and rode back to the town where he ran into Meleager.

Xena leaves Gabrielle and Meleager at the cave and goes off to find the guy that she saved the year before. So many dudes with names I don’t know!

In town the executioner arrives. He’s like a creepier version of Billy Zane. Arbus gathers some villagers and rides off to find Meleager and bring him back.

Xena finds the guy that can resolve the whole thing. Turns out the guy is terrified of Arbus and can prove that Arbus isn’t as awesome as he claims to be. Again. Ruh roh.

In the cave Gabrielle and Meleager chat. He asks her to pen his will and testament. He leaves everything to Gabrielle. Tender moment! Shattered when Arbus and friends arrives and takes them both into custody.

Xena and the crazy dude arrive back at the cave, but they’re too late. They race back to town, but halfway there the guy freaks out and runs away. Xena’s on her own.

In the village jail Gabrielle begs Arbus to postpone the execution. He refuses and tells the guards to kill Xena if she shows up. Meleager and Gabrielle have another tender moment. Why was this relationship not used more often? It’s kind of great. The guards come and take Meleager away. Gabrielle cries. That’s her thing. She’s like Donna Noble in that respect. What’s with teary eyed red headed sidekicks?

Elsewhere the Creepier Billy Zane dresses so he can head off for some killing. Xena grabs his extra robe. Meleager is escorted to the hangman’s noose. They clear the gate for the drop. It looks like Xena might be the executioner? Nice how they shot this. The noose is put around Meleager’s neck and he spies Gabrielle across the crowd. The executioner drops the gate. Gabrielle weeps. We see Meleager’s dead body. The executioner reveals that it was totally him and the show faked us all out.

Meleager’s body is brought to the courthouse where Arbus plans to try Gabrielle the next morning. Meleager rises out of his coffin and tells Arbus to confess his own sins. Then Xena shows up in the robe. Turns out she caught Meleager earlier when he was to be hanged, and he was smart enough to pretend to die. Arbus starts freaking out. The townspeople all walk in and watch the freak out. Shaaaame. Xena forces him to go pardon Gabrielle. Weepy Gabrielle sees Meleager alive and cries even more. Then makes a Meleager/Xena sandwich.

Arbus goes to jail, Meleager ends the death penalty in the village and Xena and Gabrielle head out of town.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

As mentioned before, Meleager was in fact a bad ass hunter and Greek hero.

Arbus was not an actual person in pre-historic Greece.

Hanging was not referred to as such until the 1300s and it was not a usual form of execution in ancient times.

 

Superhuman Feats

• Catches forty bajillion arrows.
• Catches and arrow with her TEETH.
• Leaps up into a tree in a single bound.
• Does some fancy rope work that manages NOT to kill the guy she is roping.
• Fights Meleager, who killed over 100 men at once.
• Saves Meleager.
• Owns Argo, the fanciest horse around.

 

Where it stands in the series

This is the last appearance of Meleager the Mighty and Tim Thomserson which is a damn shame because he’s pretty excellent in the roll and plays off Lucy Lawless pretty well and off of Renee O’Connor superbly.

Shout out to the clip show from last season.

The fight between Gabrielle and Xena? On the surface it was about Meleager, but really it was a war of wills that’s bound to happen between these two women and it will be revisited in Season 3. Particularly in the episode, Gabrielle’s Hope. I’d forgotten all about this episode and was kind of amazed at the similarities between their fight here and in the later episode. Gabrielle ALWAYS assumes the best of people and Xena always assumes the worst, but Gabrielle rarely tries to stand up to Xena and when she does whoo boy is it dramatic.

Xena’s last line of the episode? Totally foreshadowing.

 

Disclaimer

By popular demand “The Executioner” will bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring colors.

 

Rating ***

The plot holes, they are enormous! They’re so massive they take away from an episode that had some pretty neat potential. In fact this episode was downright frustrating. It was like watching an episode of Voyager or No Ordinary Family. There were some neat concepts put forth and a solid cast, but the episode falls apart half way through, and in this case, the direction, just couldn’t bring it all together.

Tim Thomerson as Meleager? Always great, and his struggle with alcoholism? Surprisingly real for a show about monsters and chicks in leather. Gabrielle’s reaction to his relapse? Also surprisingly real. The conflict between Xena and Gabrielle? Fantastic and honest. The episode’s take on capital punishment and justice? All kinds of muddled. There are some moments of greatness. Arbus as an honest and fair man who will take on warlords and heroes in the name of justice is a good idea. But it’s executed poorly and loses it’s weight when he’s revealed to be crazy.

It’s a real shame.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 18, Blind Faith.

Gabrielle becomes a queen…again. Xena gets blinded. Subtext fans exploded when this episode first premiered.

 

Season 2, Episode 18 Blind Faith

Summary

Woah this music is funky. I feel like I should be looking for some lesbionic vampires. Gabrielle and Xena aren’t doing that. Xena wants food and Gabrielle wants to haggle for no other reason then she can. They part and some ugly dude stares at Gabrielle. She goes to a cart and haggles for an ugly ass scarf. Man she’s a jerk about this. She plays with her scarf and wonders around some more. Then the guys attack. She does a nice job fighting them, but finally some scarred dude grabs her.

Xena finishes her meal and heads off in search of Gabrielle. She finds Gabrielle’s staff and the scarred guy appears and tells her Gabrielle is dead. Man she looks pissed and hurt and PISSED.

TITLES. The music in this episode is too much. Someone tell the editor or director or whoever to settle.

Xena and scarred guy fight. For a pissed lady she kind of enjoys herself. Then the dude starts shooting his mouth off and Xena stops being pissed. Nice how the fight kind of changes pacing and tone after he shoots his mouth off. Aw. Stunt double lacks a mohawk! Xena must be surprised too because she stabs a bladder and gets oil in her eyes. She still knocks the guy down and demands to know where Gabrielle is. He refuses. He wants to fight her to the death and be remembered. She puts the pinch on him and he just sits there and likes it. Xena doesn’t have her bluff called very often. She takes the pinch off and manages to stay poised when he starts laughing. Oh and his name is Palaemon. 

Xena gets all Roman on his ass and ties him to a railroad tie. He’s coming with her until she finds Gabrielle.

Oh and the oil that got in Xena’s eyes has sumac in it. Or something.

They start walking and Xena trips. Palaemon tries to talk to her. She has no time for him until he tells her that he sold Gabrielle. Slavery and Gabrielle. Xena’s most hated and most favorite things!

Gabrielle arrives in a palace with her portrait everywhere. An advisor tells her she’s to be queen and the king is a well hung dude. Man. This feels like we missed a scene. She’s sent off to a room, the advisor sends people out to kill Xena, and this dude Vidalus shows up to class Gabrielle up.

The guys the advisor sent show up to kill Xena. She and Palaemon kick much ass, but it isn’t that awesome because this fight is shot very poorly. The bad guys all run away and Palaemon starts to attack Xena. Then he realizes she’s blind. Well that’s no fun. He can’t kill a blind woman. Xena’s still good enough to blindly chain him to her. He’ll work as her eyes and body shield.

Back at the palace Gabrielle has constructed a ladder of sheets, but it caught before she can escape. Vidalus gets all kinds of rude about Gabrielle’s poise, grace and body type. He’s gonna learn her to be a queen. I guess Amazon queen doesn’t count? Probably not because EVERYONE calls her a “simple peasant girl.” Even Xena. Who is on the road with Palaemon. If Xena doesn’t get the antidote she’ll be blind in a day. She’s choosing to save Gabrielle instead of going the other way and getting the antidote. Palaemon is also really impressed with Xena’s old ways.

So Gabrielle’s been gussied up in an absolutely awful outfit and hair style and if she doesn’t show off her new do the advisor will kill her and Vidalus. The only good part of the outfit is that cleavage window. Cleavage windows are always important. The nobility of the kingdom are all quite impressed with her. Sorry I paused to do some stuff and came back and all I saw was BOOBS. Stuff happens in this scene I’m sure. Stuff happens in the next scene too. Like the advisor turns out to be evil and is having an awesome coffin made for Gabrielle.

BLINDxena and Palaemon make a break for some woods and get caught on a cliff. Palaemon does all the work while Xena just hangs around. Finally she decides to sacrifice herself. But she doesn’t die because she’s XENA. Blind Warrior Princess who makes really odd faces when blind and falling. Xena agrees to fight Palaemon when she’s better and he agrees to help save her and Gabrielle. 

MORE BOOBS. Did Vidalus create the WonderBra two millenniums early? Good lord. Vidalus continues to train Gabrielle who is all feisty and irritated. Then she talks about being in love. Did she say “them” or “him?” THIS IS IMPORTANT! I’m sure she’s supposed to be talking about Deadicas but I choose to believe she’s talking about pre-historic Daredevil who is currently getting hella pissed with Palaemon because he’s all impressed with her past. She’s quite horrified by it and the way she says “those aren’t pleasant memories” is wonderful. How far she’s come, both Xena and the actress playing her.

Gabrielle finally meets the king, otherwise known as Bernie. Gabrielle continues her tradition of loving and/or marrying dudes destined to die early. Turns out the kingdom has some crazy law that requires Gabrielle to marry Bernie and then die so the advisor can take the kingdom. And we complain about our lawmakers in America…

Palaemon and BLINDxena are carefully climbing up the side of the palace. HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THEM? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE! But no one does. Xena blindly throws her chakram to create a distraction, then catches it about a centimeter from Palaemon’s face—Daredevil style! They’re in!

I just noticed, the Xena-Hercules universe is fond of hairy chested dudes. Good for them!

Xena makes fun of Palaemon because he doesn’t have friends. Also she says she’d do ANYTHING for Gabrielle. Including be blinded for the rest of her life! Maybe blind Xena won’t be so heavy handed with the powder and eyeshadow. Jeeze this is Crusher season 7 level eye shadow Xena is rocking.

So Gabrielle marries Bernie. Now she’s the queen of the Amazons AND some place with shitty shitty laws. The people of this kingdom all fail to notice the dead king. The advisor pours wine on Gabrielle’s well lit cleavage. That was on purpose me thinks. At least it wasn’t milk. That would have been hilarious AND inappropriate. The wet cleavage continuity is so good it scares me. Someone was in charge of that you know. 

Gabrielle and Bernie get sealed in their coffins. Gabrielle’s likeness is inaccurate…except for the bangs which would normally be quite accurate.

Palaemon and Xena keep looking for Gabrielle. The advisor gets to cremating Bernie and Gabrielle at once. Why did he not kill Gabrielle? That’s unnecessarily cruel man.

Vidalus finds Xena, er she finds him. He’s tied up. He takes them to the crematorium. On the way they fight guards. Xena blindly twirls her sword and then runs in to kill the advisor. He quickly sorts out that she’s blind because it’s really fucking obvious. Stuff happens. More fighting. Vidalus whacks a dude on the head. Gabrielle fails at escaping her coffin (I blame the hair). Palaemon is all manly. Xena punches people because she dropped her sword. She hears Gabrielle all faint like and saves her. I don’t think Gabrielle could hear her though. 

Did Vidalus just kill the advisor with a torch?

Xena opens the coffin to find smoked Gabrielle. Wonderful with BBQ sauce. She says her name A LOT. Gabrielle cries (I told you she cries a lot!). Xena looks all blind and earnest. Vidalus realizes he has the cure in his garden. Yea for home gardeners! Gabrielle pours a fuck ton of water into Xena’s eyes. Then sponges her. THE MAKEUP IS UNAFFECTED. Shit is tattooed on or something.

I’m cursing a lot. Sorry.

Xena can see again and the first thing she sees is slightly constipated Gabrielle. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaw. Now Palaemon is ready to fight. Psych! He learned from her and wants to be a good guy now. Vidalus, who is clearly gay, decides to follow him so he can eventually sleep with him. Gabrielle kind of suggests that that’s why she follows Xena. Xena curtsies. END

 

How this episode makes historians weep

I hope to god such inane laws are not part of the historical record. It’s too odd to be.

Sumac CAN cause blindness. I think Google is being a pill.

Egyptian Senna is actually a laxative and thus probably not an antidote. Yikes!

 

Superhuman Feats

• Kicks all kind of ass while blind.
• Insane catching of her chakram WHILE BLIND.

 

Where it stands in the series

Gabrielle maybe told Vidalus she loves Xena?

Xena maybe intimated to she feels the same when chatting with Palaemon?

The continuity of the episode was all about how these two ladies feel about each other. Certainly wasn’t about Gabrielle’s tendency to be made a queen. Not even a mention of her little Amazon kingdom.

 

Disclaimer

Once again, Gabrielle’s luck with men was harmed during the making of this motion picture.

 

Rating ***

The writing is totally two star material, but Jeremy Callaghan as Palaemon is charismatic as hell and earnest without being irritating so he brings this episode up a notch. Lucy Lawless blind? Not remotely believable but funny all the same. O’Connor? A trooper. She can even make shitty comedy kind of fun.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 19, Ulysses.

Xena vs. The Odyssey. It’s confusing as hell especially in light of the last few episodes.

 

Season 2, Episode 19 Ulysses

Summary

Xena and Gabrielle have arrived at the edge of the sea and Gabrielle is inspired by it, as though she’s never been to the beach before. She tries to inspire Xena as well. It doesn’t work. Xena gets butcher and butcher as the discussion proceeds. I half expected her to shave her head and bust out some flannel.

On the beach a dude is fighting and Xena chooses to watch the guy fight instead of help. She also seems to watch him rather lustfully. More guys run in to kill him and Xena finally chooses to intervene. During the fight they leave introduce themselves. As the episode is called Ulysses I’ll let you sort out who Xena’s looking at all lustfully.

Gabrielle is IMMEDIATELY made a third wheel.

THEN CGI POSEIDON SHOWS UP. XENA YAARGH HIS ASS!

TITLES. WHY IS XENA NOT YARGHING HIS ASS?!

The only one who is in awe of Poseidon? Gabrielle. Wait why are they suddenly on rocks? Did Poseidon move them? Poseidon wants Xena to butt out of things because she’s Ares’s favorite. But she’ll help because otherwise this episode would be boring.

So Ulysses? Living in a cave down by the sea. Shouldn’t he be hanging out with some lady living alone and having lots of guilty guilty sex? 

Shout out to the first season. Xena apologizes for fighting for Troy and against Greece during the Trojan War. Ulysses is cool with it. Gabrielle calls him a man in a VERY DEEP voice.

That night Gabrielle snores, Xena sharpens her sword and Ulysses tries to surprise her. This scene is supposed to ramp up the sexy time and show how awesome the two are. I would prefer watching Gabrielle be a sad sack third wheel then watch what this Ulysses is doing to my favoritest character. And is he supposed to be in his twenties?! Like hell he is. Ah thank you Gabrielle. We needed levity.

More levity! Gabrielle floats up to the pirate ship doing a sexy dance to some atrocious music. Renee O’Connor really knows how to work with shit material. Or she just gets good directors. As I feel this episode does not have the best direction I choose to believe the former.

Xena and Ulysses sneak up and prepare the ship for sailing. Gabrielle owns some dudes but everyone thinks it’s sexy. Then Xena just watches Gabrielle dance. I thought she was supposed to be making eyes at Ulysses? Poor direction! Anyways. Fightin’. Some bagpipes. Ulysses jumps in front of an arrow to save Gabrielle. Whatever between Gabrielle and Xena that arrow was of no consequence. Ulysses you’re dumb. Xena says the same. They take the ship and Xena sends Ulysses down to the hold and sets sail, because once upon a time she was a pirate.

Another sexy time scene. I do not find it sexy. Ulysses talks about his bow at home. Um, the reason only Ulysses could use it was because he was a stout little bad ass who was also quick enough to string a bow. Not because it was magical or whatever this guy was suggesting. Ugh. Being a jerky fan girl. Sorry.

Senora Third Wheel interrupts the sexy time. She’s feeling sea sick.

MORE sexy time while Gabrielle wanders around looking grosser and grosser. They discuss passing the sirens. Xena and Gabrielle will be immune to their song because they have vaginas. Yea for vaginas!

The next morning Gabrielle is still vomiting up a storm. I know her feelings, though it was because I smoked and drank too much at a wedding. Xena teases her. Ulysses sees some terrible clouds in the distance. Gabrielle does not look excited.

The storm shows up. Xena ties Ulysses up because they’re getting near the sirens at the same time as the storm. Gabrielle and Xena dance a little? Nice two step!

SIRENS. That one siren needs to get that mole on her arm checked. But yeah they start doing their thing. It’s pretty I guess. My vagina must be working because I am not compelled to smash a boat against rocks for that music. Ulysses? His penis is drawn to the music. Gabrielle thinks he’s crazy and is clearly trying to hear what he hears. She makes the mistake of getting too close and he kicks her and frees himself.

On the surface he tries to take the ship and head for the rocks. IDIOT. Xena does what any former warlord and pirate would do to reclaim the ship and save Ulysses. MUSICAL NUMBER. Her song? Also not that amazing. Sounds a little flat. Also sounds like something I’d sing when trying to unnerve my dog. But this is just what Ulysses needed. His ears and penis are drawn to her nasal singing. They pass by and he apologizes for knocking Gabrielle around. Poor little Senora Third Wheel.

That night Gabrielle sleeps and Xena and Ulysses have more sexy time. He invites her to stay in Ithaca. So they can bone. I do not find this relationship believable at all. Also this scene is just poorly written. And here comes the soul mate talk. And some kissing. The only part of this scene that works? The look of utter devastation on Gabrielle’s face. Ouch.

The next morning Gabrielle does what a good gay lady who likes her straight best friend should do. She has that talk with Xena. This is another scene that really works. The writing is okay, but man do the actresses sell it. Then Ulysses has to open his dumb mouth and spot Ithaca in the distance. I enjoy that Gabrielle is clearly more pleased with landing on Ithaca then Ulysses.

Ulysses gives them the tour of Ithaca. You know the one. Where they point out all the shit they’re sentimental about that the rest of us could care less about. Then they spot some bad guys beating some dude up because there hasn’t been a fight in a while. FIGHTING INTERLUDE. The guy takes a minute to recognize Ulysses. They hug. This actor who plays Ulysses seriously irritates me. And his friend sucks too. Oh and Penelope is alive. Kink in that relationship with Xena. She may be a murderer and a scoundrel but she’s no adulterer!

So now they have to send off the suitors and save Penelope. Because Penelope is one of the cleverest women in antiquity she presents the bow and uses it as a test. String the bow and shoot it through some holes in some axes. Only she doesn’t mention the axes. Whatever.

The threesome sneak into the castle. Ulysses tells Xena he wants to run away with her. Toooooooooooool. Xena lets him down hard because she’s no adulterer! Gabrielle watches it all and she, being the all wise gay girlfriend who’s in love with her straight friend, knows exactly why Xena was being nasty, and because she likes to hurt herself she makes it sound like she’d be okay with Ulysses traveling with them. 

Upstairs the bow stringing commences. I don’t have the heart to tell them that isn’t how you string a bow. Ulysses goes to stringing the bow. He can’t. Ah ha ha. IDIOT. Xena gets under the table and helps. Gabrielle gets drunk instead of serving drinks? A fight breaks out and everyone is in awe. Yeah, no axes were involved in this test. But that arrow went through like five guys. I will not comment on that shitty fight between a pirate, Gabrielle and a chair. 

All is well and Xena and Gabrielle get ready to set sail. Ulysses, being an asshole, wants to come with. Xena pulls a Born Free and sends the little cheetah away. Gabrielle you have succeeded. You are no longer the third wheel! All is well but not really because Ulysses is a monumental asshole.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

It took Odysseus TEN YEARS to make it home after the war. And his name was Odysseus, not Ulysses, but like Hercules he gets stuck with a dumb Roman name. I’m over it. Many parts of his story were removed for time and I won’t number them all. However the bit with the sirens? He made sure he was tied tight enough that he’d be unable to escape. But this is just a symptom of the difference between Ulysses and Odysseus. Ulysses is a monumental idiot. Not the least bit clever except when written that way in specific scenes with Xena.

The homecoming is also wildly inaccurate, but there was a nice shout out to his dog, who waited twenty years for him to return.

Oh and Poseidon really did make every attempt possible to stop Odysseus from getting home, and it really was because he blinded his son. But Poseidon never appeared personally and Odysseus never ever would have had a relationship with Poseidon like he does here.

 

Superhuman Feats

• Out sings sirens.
• Strings a bow only Ulysses should be able to string.

 

Where it stands in the series

I love love love Gabrielle in this episode and how she deals with her relationship with Xena. It’s wildly different from The Return of Callisto and I suspect it never would have played out this way or been played by O’Connor this way if we hadn’t had the episode, The Quest. She really plays it as the best friend pining after what she can’t have and Lawless plays it as that friend who knows she can have a choice but chooses to ignore it. Awesome work.

Ulysses is never seen again. Thank goodness.

Oh and this is the introduction of Gabrielle’s chronic sea sickness.

 

Disclaimer

Despite Gabrielle’s incessant hurling, Ulysses’s ship was not harmed during the making of this motion picture.

 

Rating **

Look, John D’Aquino is just miscast as Ulysses. It’s a huge problem and the reason the episode fails. Even the creative staff and the actors are on record saying the same. I’m also downrating this one because I think the writing, and the directing, is subpar. The story never gels, and it’s not just bad casting. Ulysses is written as a monumentally selfish prick and idiot. Odysseus has mad hubris, but he’s really fucking smart. 

The only redeeming aspect of this episode is O’Connor’s work as Gabrielle and the few scenes she and Lawless share. It’s smartly played and standouts from the rest of the episode.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 20, The Price.

Xena goes to the dark side and they fight some crazy guys covered in paint. One of the best episodes of the series.

 

Season 2, Episode 20, The Price

Sorry for being incommunocado. Back now. Let’s watch some yiyiyiing. 

Summary

Xena and Gabrielle are fishing at the shores of a huge river. It is some VERY INTENSE fishing. Someone should tell them all that yelling isn’t good for the fishing. Gabrielle tries to comfort her breakfast and then reveals that she, not Darwin, invented the theory of evolution. Is that a superhuman feat?

Her next catch ends up being a dying soldier who warns them of The Horde and dies. The name is enough to freak Xena out. She sends Gabrielle to retrieve her things and when she does she sees that the river is flooded with bodies. Then the Horde disembarks and for the first time ever on the show, Xena runs. They get to a canoe and flee down river. The Horde, creepy dudes in loads of body paint, give chase. Xena stops a few with her chakram, but the shore is still filled with them and there’s no end in sight. 

TITLES. These guys are pretty creepy what with the body paint, bad hair and GROWLING. Who do they think they are?

Xena tells Gabrielle a little story about her first meeting with the Horde. It’s pretty intense and Gabrielle is seriously freaked out. The worst part about the Horde? They seem to have no desire beyond killing. An enemy that can’t be reasoned with is pretty scary. This is why I can’t watch zombie movies alone. 

Xena warns that it will get worse before it gets better and they head off down river again. There is some tension in the music and sound effects. Also AAAAH CREEPY DUDES IN THE WATER. AAAAAAH. AND MORE IN THE BRUSH. AAAAAAH. Then they find more Athenian soldiers barely alive and crucified on the shores. Gabrielle wants to help but Xena refuses. The Horde attacks and soon Gabrielle is stuck using only her hands to paddle. They grab a soldier trying to swim to safety, but that slows them down, and the Horde races to catch up. Things get worse when they realize they’re headed for a waterfall. It looks like Xena might have to sacrifice herself to save them, but then Athenian soldiers attack the Horde and Gabrielle and Xena get a respite. Xena kicks some awesome ass with her whip and boy is her face scary.

Back at the Athenian fort the dying guy calls for Mercer, the now de facto leader of the garrison. Other soldiers start freaking out because the Horde is unending. Xena and Gabrielle stand there all awkwardly and Gabrielle wonders why even these soldiers can’t understand reason. Xena observes it’s because the men of the garrison believe themselves already dead.

Beyond the walls the Horde’s dying calls for Kaltaka. Gabrielle wonders who Kaltaka is and a soldier near the breaking point gives his opinion on what it is. Freaked out she goes to Xena who’s formulating a plan to at least take as many Horde with her. Xena then goes and smacks the crazy soldier around and says her name. The soldiers are impressed with her. This is another first. Soldiers usually respect her but they never trust her. These men become hers with a simple speech. And when she promises to kill every last Horde? The dark Xena peaks out and the soldiers? They cheer. Poor Gabrielle clearly has walked into a madhouse.

She goes to the infirmary to see if she can help. She starts organizing the infirmary and healing the wounded. Xena, meanwhile, takes command. Even Mercer is in a little awe. Mercer’s second is more reluctant, but agrees that Xena’s their best chance at survival.

She then visits the infirmary, and takes all the walking wounded away to fight. Then tells Gabrielle to withhold water and food from the seriously wounded. And leaves Gabrielle to decide who lives and who dies. Gabrielle? Kind of horrified at Xena’s command.

Soldiers make a foray onto the battlefield and engage the Horde. They then retreat into the fort. The Horde followed and are slaughtered by arrows. Nice trap Xena. The music agrees and the XENA IS A FLAMING BADASS theme plays. Then she slits one man’s throat to Gabrielle’s horror, and hunts another down with an axe. Again, Gabrielle is horrified, Xena is pleased, and the troops are thrilled. Love the self satisfied look she shoots Gabrielle.

They’ve hurt the Horde, but they still need reinforcements.

At the infirmary soldiers come to take the dead away and strap them to the wall. Gabrielle tries to stop them thinking the man is alive. She steps away when she realizes she’s lost another. Xena joins her in the infirmary and again takes the walking away to fight. She then confronts Gabrielle (and her accent cracks!). They have a big ol’ throwdown and Xena reminds Gabrielle that they’re at war. Gabrielle begs her to look for another solution, to attempt reason with the Horde. Aw. They’re hawks and doves.

Xena sends Mercer out, alone, for reinforcements. They use smoke bombs to cover his escape. The Horde also uses the opportunity and attacks. But the the Horde are pushed back. Gabrielle then notices that Xena’s disappeared. She’s on the battlefield grabbing a prisoner. Gabrielle thinks she’s offering aid, but Xena makes it clear she plans on torturing him for information. Xena, the pre-historic Jack Bauer. Gabrielle watches the interrogation and is the only one to call Xena out for what she’s doing. This pisses Xena OFF. She sends the soldiers and prisoner away and rips into Gabrielle. She calls the soldiers her troops. I love how the line between good and evil Xena is so thin and how easily Xena justifies the shift.

Gabrielle fetches more water and realizes the Horde prisoner means water when he calls for Kaltaka. It’s a, pardon the pun, watershed moment. The inanity of war hits Gabrielle full force. For me this moment is a way better condemnation of war then any shitty Carol Churchill play.

Gabrielle takes water, hops over the wall, and sets to providing aid to the Horde’s dying. Xena, still pretty evil, still cares for Gabrielle. She prepares to start another battle to rescue her.

Then the Horde arrive with axes dripping blood. Only they’re there to retrieve their dead and injured. Xena realizes what’s what and sends her own men out to do the same. This would be another amazing moment if not for the cloying nature of the soundtrack. Xena tries to retrieve Gabrielle, but she runs away, spotting an injured Mercer among the dead.

That night injured come to Gabrielle at the infirmary. Xena’s sent them to work as nurses. They even bring food.

Xena then interrogates the Horde prison again. Like Gabrielle, she figured out something important. The Horde have an honor code. The prisoner doesn’t find himself worthy of battle with Xena. She sends him out to retrieve his own leader to fight Xena.

Afterwards she goes to the infirmary to apologize to Gabrielle. This is a rare moment where we understand just how important Gabrielle is to Xena’s emotional and spiritual well being. Xena also seems to reach the same insight and almost confesses her love. Daaaaaw.

The next morning Xena heads out to do battle with the Horde’s leader. Gabrielle promises to remain by her side no matter what. Daaaaaaaaaaaaw. The Horde leader twirls his little sticks, Xena is amused, then they get to fightin’. I think we all now how this turns out. Xena wins, and the man’s own men put him down like a dog. Love the moment where Xena gets his weapon and realizes she’s won. Also when she walks away all stone cold knowing that his men are about to kill him. 

The Horde disappears into the trees and the Athenians gather their things and abandon the fort. Xena then hopes that the Horde have their own Gabrielle so that peace can one day be reached. DAAAAAAAAAW.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

I’m not exactly clear on who the Horde are supposed to be. But I’m assuming they’re essentially fictional. As are all the Athenians Xena deals with and/or mentions. So nothing historical was harmed in the making of this motion picture.

 

Superhuman Feats

• Xena’s whipping prowess
• Xena’s canoe paddling prowess
• Xena’s ability to come back from the brink of darkness is hella superhuman

 

Where it stands in the series

Way back in season one Xena meets a man she assumes to be her father, takes an army and gets really fucking dark. But she was being seduced by Ares at the time and she’s wildly out of character. This is Xena turning dark done right. The seduction is subtle, the fall extreme and the redemption honest. I’ve already noted above that this is the first time a group of GOOD soldiers worship Xena. This is also the first time she’s genuinely concerned for her life. Makes her do crazy things.

But when she realizes Gabrielle is right? And that Gabrielle is the only morally stalwart one in the fort? She realizes just how important Gabrielle is and it’s a moment we’ve yet to see before on the show. Gabrielle isn’t a tagalong she’s ESSENTIAL to Xena’s redemption.

 

Disclaimer

To show sympathy for the Horde, kaltaka was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.

 

Rating *****

This is a solid hour of TV no matter what the show is. Things start off all silly, but then that soldier comes out of the water and the tension and dread starts building and it doesn’t break until Gabrielle realizes what kaltaka is. I love how it is an attempt to understand Xena’s character and darkness but it’s also a criticism of war, and it’s war at it’s most primal. There are no politics at play. No grand desires. Just two groups fighting to fight. It’s political without being overt and I fucking love that, because usually anti-war peaces are waaaaay too self satisfied and in your face.

Does this episode get a little schmaltzy? Yes, but I almost feel it earns it after such a brutal first half. Great television, great performances, and great direction. Great cinematography too. That trip down river is genuinely beautiful and creepy.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 21, The Lost Mariner.

Xena’s on a BOAT. Also there’s a cursed pirate.

 

Season 2, Episode 21 The Lost Mariner

Summary

So much ADR. So much! Xena and Gabrielle struggled on board a ship but we never see them. At one point Xena says Gabrielle’s name in a VERY manly fashion. Cut to day where Gabrielle and a sailor float along in the wreckage all half dead. A ship drifts into view and it’s captain has the two brought aboard.

The captain, Cecrops, takes Xena’s sword, which happened to be with Gabrielle. She quickly realizes that Xena’s not with her and Cecrops tells her she’s likely dead. He also refuses to take her to shore so she can look for Xena. Even when she threatens to vomit on him.

The other sailor wakes up, sees Cecrops and jumps overboard. He is promptly eaten (?) by the sea. I just realized something while looking at all these close ups of Gabrielle, this is the first time she’s been without bangs. And whoever shot this episode really went all out with that on a boat sensation. I’m getting a little seasick just watching.

TITLES. Ah Gabrielle looked so sad when she realized she was stuck on a boat for the rest of her life.

On land Xena’s worked out that Gabrielle is on Cecrops’s ship and that she has to get there. She quickly beats her way through some pirates and races towards the ship. That head pirate has a mighty ponytail. Oh man and listen to this music. Tribal!

Cecrops is being all piratey on his ship and watching Gabrielle vomit over the side. Her bangs have returned. Gabrielle realizes she has to get off the ship or she will be come onto by old pirates for eternity.

Xena continues racing towards the ship. She hides under pirates and looks all intense.

Gabrielle fingers Cecrops’s jewels. He he he. But yeah, Cecrops doesn’t care about jewels as he has no way to use them. He and Gabrielle discuss the nature of beauty. And look at a statue that is very clearly of the show’s Aphrodite. But they claim it is of Aphrodite. Shame on the props department.

MORE EXPOSITION. 

More fightin’ on land.

MORE EXPOSITION. IT IS A RIDDLE. GUESS WHO WILL SOLVE IT?

Cecrops is a jerk only wanting to love women. Sexist.

Gabrielle makes a brilliant face when a pirate sniffs her.

Then we get to watch Xena fight some more and run a lot. She looks silly running. Cecrops warns Gabrielle that Xena being on board would end in sadness. He tries to guilt her into turning Xena away and he sets the ship to sail further away. But don’t worry, this is Xena. What does she do? Catches arrows. Climbs a tree with arrows. Then she FLIES ACROSS THE WATER. Some might call that a hardy flip. No. That was flight. Xena flew.

And then she lands and is bad ass and looks super delighted to see Gabrielle and holds her chakram all protective like. No, just friends. SURE. I like how she even knew who Cecrops was.

On shore the pirates are terrible actors. And they are impressed by Xena flying and are sure that Xena will beat the curse and then they can steal all the treasure. Sorry. Distracted. SUCH TERRIBLE ACTORS.

Wow Xena and Gabrielle have some clunky ass dialogue. Xena teaches Gabrielle how to avoid sea sickness. Creepy pirate offers her squid. Liberal use of pre-historic dramamine.

Xena just strolls into Cecrops’s room. Cecrops talks of his love of land. Again, clunky dialogue, but oh man great delivery. He returns her sword and Xena judges him because he’s still cursed. Xena, you are an overachiever capable of flight, do not judge a poor dude for being sad and living on a ship for 300 years. Not everyone can be Xena.

Cecrops explains that Charybdis was created by Poseidon to fuck with his romantic life. I kind of love the heart break he expresses here. Wonderful.

Xena is moved too. She’s all, LET’S GO. And he’s all, um that was 300 years. She’s dead. Don’t be a jerk.

But Xena then talks about faith, but faith in love. DAAAAAAAAW.

Xena comes out and finds Gabrielle eating raw squid. I gagged. Oldboy, your consumption of raw sea food is not new. Man Gabrielle is hardcore into that. She then bonds with an old pirate who doesn’t want to bone her. He mocks her curse. Dick. I mean, he’s cursed too, I guess he can make that joke. He tells her how he was captured.

Now it’s Gabrielle’s turn to speak of faith. Xena wants Cecrops to have faith in his dead lover and Gabrielle HAS faith in Xena. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TELEVISION SHOW?!

Okay, back to the actual show. The pirates are thinking about attacking. Cecrops calls them idiots. Before fighting can break out POSEIDON SHOWS UP BITCHES. He is a showy dude. He roars and struts and roars some more. Gabrielle even speaks up this time. Poseidon then tells Xena to take Gabrielle and haul it, but she refuses because she wants to fuck with him and save Cecrops.

Man, those other pirates may be idiots but they have extraordinary hearing. They listened to the entire conversation and keep following.

That night a storm breaks out. Xena tells Gabrielle about the side effects of that pressure point trick. No taste buds. Gabrielle realizes she’s eaten raw squid and vomits. That entire scene? Delightful. Especially Gabrielle’s opinion of her stalker. The nice old guy tells Xena that Cecrops plans to attack the pirates at dawn.

She goes and confronts him. She still has no respect for him because he’s cursed. Hilarious! Man, Xena is a twatterson. Cecrops is all, maybe you should just love me and make this easy. Terribly unsmooth move dude.

The storm gets worse. People shout. Xena and Gabrielle hug. Awesome old dude gets crushed to death to save Cecrops. It might be the PMS but I find his death totally touching. Cecrops runs back to his cabin and gets all mopey. Poseidon calls to him, he’s less dramatic this time. He offers freedom, all he asks is that Cecrops toss Xena into Charybdis. I can’t be sure, but I think Xena heard. She looks sad. And disappointed. And confused. 

The next day they toss awesome old dude overboard because he’s dead. They get caught in Charybdis and Xena is the only one “manly” enough to climb into the crow’s nest. The other pirates? Still idiots. They try to chase Xena INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF DESTRUCTION. Now people are talking about sails and lines and boards. The pirates quickly go to their deaths. DESERVING. Xena drops her sword and Cecrops grabs it. He cuts the lines and Xena dies. Or he can stand around looking conflicted and then toss the sword back to Xena. He refuses to kill Xena. Poseidon is VERY ANGRY. Xena planned all of that.

Cecrops has sorted out the curse. He throws his CGI self into the whirlpool to close it. The ship crashes into the shore. The survivors are grateful to be on land. Gabrielle continues to vomit and her stalker breaks up with her. Worst day ever for Gabrielle.

Xena and Gabrielle cuddle and walk along the beach. Not as sexy as it sounds. They spy Cecrops’s body, but he turns over and giggles because he is alive. Happiness. Everyone smile and look happy! Except Xena. She looks all concerned. Also, horrified when Cecrops’s hugs her.

Cecrops heads off to enjoy life. Yea for happy endings!

Except for idiot pirate. I think he’s condemned now?

 

How this episode makes historians weep

Cecrops did decide who would be the patron god of Athens and it was between Poseidon and a spring and Athena and an olive tree. However he was not cursed for eternity because of it.

Charybdis was Poseidon’s monstrous daughter who hung out in the ocean making whirlpools with her gigantic mouth. Not a whirlpool created to scorn lovers.

That pressure point? Doesn’t work. Take this from me. My brother and I tried this method repeatedly on each other after we first saw this episode. It just made our wrists hurt.

 

Superhuman Feats

• Is sassy to gods and immortals
• Excellent sailor
• FLIES LIKE SUPERMAN ONLY WITH MORE FLIPPING

 

Where it stands in the series

Total stand alone episode. Neither Cecrops or the pirate with a ponytail are seen or referenced again.

However this is the first instance of pressure points being used to help Gabrielle’s sickness, and the second instance of that sickness.

Also one of many in a long line of instances where Gabrielle eats something disgusting.

 

Disclaimer

Cecrops’s ‘Joie de Vivre’ was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

 

Rating ****

An underwhelming script and pointless idiot pirates are redeemed by a great guest performance from Tony Todd as Cecrops. Seriously, he nails it. Renee O’Connor brings the funnies and Lucy Lawless gets to do her best disrespectful and irritated Xena. Personally that’s the Xena I love most so BRING IT.

Steven L. Sears penned this episode, and if you haven’t guessed it, the guy always has awesome plots and terrible execution. Makes me sad.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 22, A Comedy of Eros.

Joxer! Cupid! Draco! Hestian Virgins! French farce!

 

Season 2, Episode 22 A Comedy of Eros

Summary

Holy hell Cupid has horrible hair. Like he’s trying to be a ginger but just can’t escape his blond roots. His son? Adorable. Cupid tries to get him to sleep so he can bang his wife. Certain he’s manipulated his son, Bless, into behaving he goes off for loving. Bliss flies over to his arsenal of love bows and heads off to do some mischief. 

Down on earth Hestian virgins are doing their virgin thing with a bunch of doves? Xena and Gabrielle are on hand because they’re certain Draco is going to try to steal the virgins. Gabrielle makes a terrible pass at Xena. I’m pretty sure she was trying to get Xena to help her with her chastity problem. But whatever.

They walk through town while Bliss gets busy making people fall in love with each other…and cows.

I love how Hestian virgins are having, like, a convention. Joxer arrives because he likes Xena. Then Draco arrives and Xena gets hit with an arrow and immediately starts making out with him. You can’t see it but Draco is giving everyone the thumbs up. Gabrielle and Joxer, both with mighty crushes, look on in shock.

TITLES. SO MUCH TONGUE ACTION.

Draco is all out of breath from the macking. Xena may be in love with him now, but that doesn’t mean she’ll let him steal all the virgins. On the sidelines Gabrielle chooses to think it’s all part of a big plan. Draco and Xena fight. I think I missed something just then. Draco runs up one of his own dudes. What a jerk. Xena? Getting super turned on. Draco threatens Xena so she pops him in the mouth and he rides away. Draco, not a way to impress your troops.

Xena clutches her bosom and watches him ride away. Gabrielle? DISTURBED. They go out to the forest where Xena creates and works with a speed bag to get over her lust. Joxer is delighted by this turn of events and suggests a dip in a cold pond. Xena works out a new plan. Turn Draco good. No one believes that will work but Xena.

Back at Draco’s camp an aide with an uneven headdress asks about Xena.

Over in town people are busy being in love with the wrong people while Joxer and Gabrielle worry over Xena’s new love.

Draco is taking a bath and washing his mighty man chest. He gets out and finds Xena watching him while eating a banana. Man. Dude has nice shoulders. Xena asks him to ride with her and save lives. Draco is amused, and rejects the idea and sounds like a Ferengi. Sorry, mentioning “profit” always makes me see Ferengi. I am a true nerd.

Outside the Chastity Convention Gabrielle and Joxer stand watch. Then Joxer gets caught and Gabrielle has to surrender to save him. She just sacrificed all the virgins for Joxer? TERRIBLE PRIORITIES GABRIELLE.

Ooooh the only virgin we’ve seen is actually Xena in disguise. Makes sense now. Xena’s taken all the virgins’ robes and hidden them among the villagers. Which apparently makes it harder to capture them? Draco just take the town.

They come outside and find Gabrielle and Joxer tied up. Draco’s so great with that “at least I didn’t kill them.” Gabrielle gets hit by an arrow and it looks for all the world like she’ll see Xena and fall in love, but she sees Joxer first and sets to getting handsy with him. Joxer, who’s never liked Gabrielle, is concerned. 

Out in the woods we’re made to think Xena and Draco have had sex. Psyche! They’re arm wrestling.

In town we’re again made to thing Joxer tapped Gabrielle. Nope he’s been singing his song for her. Now they’re singing together. Yeah, Renee O’Connor really can’t sing.

More intercut seductions. Xena gets freaked out by Draco’s penis and runs away. Joxer gets freaked out by super forward Gabrielle. What was that noise? Was that the noise of Joxer getting wood? Joxer sends Gabrielle to find water. She finds Xena submerged in the pond. Xena realizes Gabrielle is in love with Joxer. Which means something is VERY AWRY. Xena lusting after Draco? Believable. But Gabrielle wanting Joxer? ALL WRONG. The ladies get into a fight over their less then awesome men.

Draco uses the chance to grab all the virgins. Wait they changed clothes but kept their headdresses? IDIOT VIRGINS. Draco gets hit by an arrow and falls for Gabrielle. Who tells him Xena loves him. Xena getting rejected by both Draco and Gabrielle? TOO MUCH. Something is wrong and it’s up to Xena to figure out what. But first? Fighting interlude! Joxer tries to protect Gabrielle. Xena takes everyone into the temple. When did the virgins get the rest of their outfits back? In all the fighting Joxer gets caught outside and captured by Draco. Xena looks away and then sees that Gabrielle’s run outside and been caught as well.

At Draco’s camp Draco makes more passes at Gabrielle. This is the second episode in a row Gabrielle’s had to avoid sex with creepy dudes. She even busts out the widow card! Oh Gabrielle. No. That’s too far even for you. Poor taste. She then accidentally tells Draco she loves Joxer. He goes off to do some Joxer slaying. Gabrielle tries to look genuinely upset but doesn’t really sell it.

Elsewhere Joxer tries to break out of his ropes. He thinks he’s done it but Xena appears. Joxer has gotten all manly since he’s fallen for Gabrielle. They try to figure out who’s spreading the love. They suspect Aphrodite, but it’s too chaotic. Draco comes in and Xena beans him. Them calls him sweetie, and cute. Yikes.

Xena then goes to save Gabrielle who nearly beans her. Xena is disgusted by Gabrielle’s new love.

Back at the temple Draco arrives under a white flag. He and Xena try to talk, but then he mentions Gabrielle and Xena gets all jealous. Then they both talk like they’re BOTH in love with Gabrielle? POORLY WORDED EXCHANGE. Xena finally gives up the virgins. Wait. What? Draco’s at least nice enough to tell his men no raping. 

Some random manly dude rides in and says hello to Draco. He’s a slave dealer or something. And is expecting an Amazon Princess in the sale he’s arranged with Draco. So Draco will have to sell Gabrielle if he wants to go through with the deal. Gabrielle’s rocking her Amazon outfit. A+++ Would watch again.

A fight between Draco and the slave dealer breaks out and Gabrielle runs off with the virgins. Bliss arrives and starts pelting chicks with arrows. More fighting. Xena saves Draco. Back in the caves the virgins have all gone man crazy and Draco’s men now have to run from them. They all head back to the temple. Love Xena’s little skip running into the temple.

Now with the doors and people racing through them.

Joxer arrives with some mysterious dude.

Xena corners Draco and tells him that they’re all under the influence of Cupid’s arrows. Xena makes one final appeal. Draco must change his ways or never earn Gabrielle’s love. 

At the center of the temple Gabrielle and Joxer are reunited. There is much smooching. Cupid arrives and sends Bliss home. Then runs into Xena. MAD sexual tension. Cupid, in thanks for finding Bliss, helps Xena set things right. We find out Joxer’s love is earned. And Xena asks him to avoid fixing Draco, who has decided to turn good. Gabrielle? Still not feeling the love.

Poor Joxer realizes Gabrielle doesn’t love him. It’s reinforced that night at the campfire where Gabrielle has flirty conversations with Xena over Joxer’s head. Aw. Poor Joxer. Xena, though, she recognizes how he feels and the heads off to sleep with Gabrielle? DIRECTOR DON’T SEND HER THE SAME DIRECTION.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

Cupid’s wife at the beginning is Psyche. He should probably be called Eros, but I think I covered that in For Him the Bell Tolls.

They did NOT have a son named Bliss. They did, in some stories, have a child named Hedone/Voluptas. She was one of the Three Graces and was the goddess of sensual pleasures…or bliss. So if you ever want to pray during an orgasm you now know who to offer prayer to.

Hestian Virgins? A fabrication of the show. Hestia required no temple because the hearth of the Greco Roman home was her alter. The heads of the households her priests/priestesses. 

 

Superhuman Feats

• Overcomes love to save the day.
• Overcomes lust to save the day.
• Orders a god around.
• Invents the speed bag. Uses it poorly.

 

Where it stands in the series

This is the second appearance of Draco and the introduction of his love for Gabrielle.

But really this episode is memorable for finalizing the tune for Joxer’s song and creating Joxer’s unrequited love for Gabrielle. Previously he had no time for her. After this he will all out PINE for her. Gabrielle, being a cold hearted bitch, will remain unaffected and actually sometimes enjoy having him as her safety.

There’s a reference to Perdicas. A POOR TASTE REFERENCE.

Also, among lesbians there is this thing called “subtext.” They like to look for subtext between women characters so they can have more lesbians in television. Glee? Full of subtext. Sometimes shows turn the characters gay or are so overt that subtext becomes “main text.” This episode of Xena was by no means, “main text,” but it was LOADED with subtext. And it was all played for laughs which is kind of a first? 

 

Disclaimer

No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture. 

 

Rating **

Great cast, but the direction was kind of pot and overly cutesy and the script kept trying for witty Moliere stylings and failing miserably. 

But I’ll admit, I snorted when Gabrielle found Xena sitting in the pond.

 

Coming Soon

Season 3, Episode 1, The Furies.

And now we begin one of my favorites season in television history. Too bad this episode where Xena goes crazy isn’t as awesome as the episodes that follow!

 

Season 3, Episode 1 The Furies

Summary

And season 3 begins with Ares enjoying a show. I love the Furies’ idea of sexy dancing. And that lead Fury? Best over actor EVER. Also yikes ladies. Enough eye make up on them faces? Ares looks completely board with this. Furies he is not buying what you’re selling.

He would rather the Furies go ahead and judge Xena. The Furies judge her guilty and the Ares asks them to sentence her. Persecution AND madness. Ares offers little Ares in exchange for them going all out on Xena’s psyche.

In the world of the mortals Xena and Gabrielle make a bet. Xena asks for some sort of dumplings. Turns out the bet is for a race between the two. Xena schools Gabrielle and then draws a sword? Because winner skewers loser? No. Because there is some gross looking guys looking collect a bounty on Xena’s head. Cue fight!

Above the head Fury prays and down below Xena goes crazy. But it’s essentially the Three Stooges? Super cartoonish. Gabrielle has the same look I have on my face. What the f is this? Only whereas I’m horrified because of how awful this is Gabrielle, I’m sure, is upset over how crazy Xena is.

TITLES. Me thinks the writers don’t know a lot of crazy folks.

Post fight Gabrielle runs some idiots off and walks over to find Xena twirling her chakram like a Harlem Globetrotter. She’s still terribly confused. Xena then hops up backwards onto Argo. Gabrielle finally convinces her to interrogate the leader.

She does. But really, what is the relevance of his virginity? It’s Gabrielle who asks the right question and Gabrielle who sorts out that Xena is being punished by the Furies. 

That night they make camp and Xena insists she’s sane. Despite the fact that she’s wearing flowers and worried about her appearance. Gabrielle, in her first show of idiocy this episode, decides to get some sleep and leave Whackadoodle up and about. She wakes up later to find all of Xena’s clothes and no Xena.

That’s because bare ass Xena has come to this village to shout at the villagers. They’re all VERY CONFUSED and I think frightened? Gabrielle talks her down until Xena is in tears. Then escorts her back to camp. This crazy Xena? Significantly better. And oh man did you see the wide eyed stare of that one kid? I know we’re supposed to assume it’s a wide eyed look of TERROR, but that kid just saw Xena naked. 

At the temple of the Furies Xena is back to a dumb crazy. The priest tells them that Xena is being punished for failing to avenger her family’s murder. Xena rightfully assumes they’re talking about her brother and she gets sane long enough to refute that. But the priest says that it’s actually her father she’s failed to avenge. She freaks out and goes racing through the forest. There she sees images of Bacchus and some odd growly monster and dryads. And finally she confuses Gabrielle with Callisto and nearly takes her head off.

Xena tells Gabrielle that this is all the gods doing and ties her up to protect her. Aw. Even crazy she tries to be a decent friend. She heads back to Amphipolis making crazy hand guestures. I think my mom had this particular workout on VHS.

The bad guys from earlier attack again and Xena clucks like a chicken and beats them all down. She makes it to Amphipolis where the ADR crowd all talks about how crazy she looks, then she collapses in her mother’s arms.

Gabrielle is right behind her though. She tries to tell Cyrene what’s happened but Cyrene is already a step ahead. Why? Because she totes killed Xena’s dad. Apparently Xena’s dad was an abusive alcoholic and Cyrene killed her to protect Xena. Gabrielle is again reminded of the story of Orestes, which, on the surface, is the same.

Gabrielle goes to find Orestes in the hopes that she can learn of a way to save Xena and her mom. Maybe I’m sleepy but dang is this scene slow. Until the end where Gabrielle says goodbye to Xena and Cyrene watches with this curious look on her face. 

Xena’s heard the whole story and wants to be grateful to her mother, but she’s still stuck. Kill her mother and be stuck waffling between sanity and insanity. She also talks some more about the meaning of life. Xena finally sorts out what to do. She’ll let her mother live and run away to be crazy off in the woods away from people. Er, I mean to kill herself. She’s now standing at a cliff preparing to jump. 

Ares appears and tries to stop her from killing herself. He seeminly appears to convince her to kill her mother, but something she said clearly caught Xena’s interest. Maybe that bit about a jealous father punishing the mother by harming the child? Xena agrees to kill her mother, but only in front of the actual Furies.

She goes back to her mother’s and is really rude. Man, she called Gabrielle a piss ant! Not cool. Her mother turns all self sacrificing and Xena gets all creepy and starts asking about the night she was conceived. And now I know that sex between Xena’s parents was good. Didn’t need to know that.

Many towns over Gabrielle has found Orestes and discovered that even after killing his mother Orestes is still mad. I mean, he DID commit matricide. She’s all shocked and runs away.

At the Furies’ temple Cyrene has been strapped to an alter and Ares has called forth the Furies. Xena prepares to kill her mother with a knife but Gabrielle runs in and tells her it’s pointless. Killing her mother won’t solve the problem. But Ares grabs her and keeps her from saying any more.

Xena then pulls a great soap opera twist and calls Ares “Dad.” Ares is HORRIFIED, but everyone else thinks it kind of makes sense, especially because Ares has a tendency to bone wives of his soldiers while they’re away. I’m with Ares, “this is ridiculous.” And that bit earlier at the cliff? Called back. The Furies very much believe the story.

But there’s only one way to prove this crazy story. Xena and Ares fight. And they do. And it’s awesome. Even the part where Ares gets a mouthful of Cyrene. This fight may be the best part of the episode. Nevermind. It is the best part of the episode. Xena just Liu Kang kicked his ass. Also that celebration after she uses Gabrielle as a shield and then wins? That was the least Xena moment I’ve ever seen. The Furies uncrazy Xena and leave. Ares tries to make it clear he’s not Xena’s dad, but it’s awfully ambiguous. Also, he’s jealous of Gabrielle, who gives him the stink eye.

At camp later Xena and Gabrielle build a fire and Cyrene sits there all quiet like. Gabrielle politely leaves (she’s done that a lot this episode). Mom and daughter have a heart to heart and hug it out why VERY DRAMATIC music plays. Isn’t this the show’s death theme? This moment does not warrant that!

 

How this episode makes historians weep

As the Greeks prepared to head off to wage war on Troy Agamemnon sacrificed his daughter Iphigenia to give the ships favorable winds. When he returned home ten years later with poor Cassandra his wife, Clytemnestra and her lover, Aegisthus, murdered both him and the Trojan princess. Seriously, Cassandra had shit for luck.

Agamemnon and Clytemnestra had two other children, Orestes and Electra, and both were away when the murder occurred. They returned and promptly murdered their mother and her lover. For this the Erinyes (that’s the Greek version of the Furies) tormented Orestes. Finally Apollo and Athena intervened, a trial was held, and he was free to go. He dedicated an alter to the Erinyes and all lived happily ever after (but not really because these are Greek mythological figures we speak of).

So the story of Orestes is all about familiar piety and how murder can sometimes be justified. In fact the reason Orestes kills his mother is because he and his sister, Electra, desired revenge. Xena’s writers completely missed the mark here. 

 

Superhuman Feats

• Fights and wins while crazy
• Liu Kang’s a god’s face
• Beats a god and outwits the Furies

 

Where it stands in the series

This was supposed to resolve the questions around Xena’s dad. It did nothing of the sort. And now I’m pretty sure Ares is Xena’s dad and is also super skeezy.

It’s actually kind of nice that the season starts off with an episode about a child seeking to kill her mother. Not to spoil anything, but infanticide and matricide play a big role through the rest of the season.

 

Disclaimer

Xena’s sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own tap dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.

 

Rating *

Seriously. Shit episode. It kept trying to philosophize and failed. And Xena’s cartoonish insanity was neither compelling or funny. And there wasn’t enough Gabrielle. Or Ares. And Cyrene always makes these dumb faces that are TOO MYSTERIOUS.

And we still don’t know who Xena’s dad is! 

But points for having a go at a Greek myth. The fight to prove parentage was a neat idea and nicely executed. Too bad the rest was awful.

The more I think about this episode the more irritated I get. A big chunk of the season has to do with how murder CAN be justified and right but how it still hurts the soul. This episode is SO close to trying to start with that theme, but it misses the mark so badly.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 2, Been There, Done That.

Xena, scifi/fantasy figures before and after, is forced to repeatedly relive one day until she gets things right. Hilarity ensues! 

I PROMISE I did not fall of the face of the earth. Instead I was all busy with work related stuff.

The Xena recaps will restart either today or tomorrow. And they'll also be reposted over at fempop.com with a little more content because the 10,000 character limit here is dumb.

So yeah sorry about that.

Season 3, Episode 2 Been There, Done That

 

I can do two posts on episodes that make me particularly loquacious. I just didn't want to clog things up. But now I will!

 

Summary
It’s a beautiful day in Matte city and Xena is awoken by the sound of a rooster. The door opens and the morning light blinds her. Joxer is the jerk opening the door and he’s got goose eggs! They’re promptly destroyed by a falling horse shoe. It also smacks his head. No one cares.
The threesome (Gabrielle was there under some hay) head off to get more horseshoes for Argo. Joxer offers to escort Gabrielle to buy goose eggs. She’d rather travel with Xena. Like usual.
Some guys start fighting because there are warring houses in this town. Xena and Gabrielle walk away and Joxer tries to intervene. Only he gets stabbed and dies. It’s totally emotional. Renee O’Connor has gotten really good at reacting to death. She’s like aces at it.
Cut to XENA SING ALONG. You are by now familiar with Xena’s funeral dirge. Home it with us will you? They torch Joxer’s body and Xena says no one is to blame (except maybe the guy who stabbed him?). Xena and Gabrielle cuddle and go to sleep next to what probably smells like roasted pork. They cuddle tenderly.
The morning comes. The rooster crows. Xena wakes up in the barn. And Joxer walks in all alive and non-zombie like.
TITLES. This may be the best pre-title sequence the show ever did.
Xena is understandably delighted by Joxer’s survival. He’s less impressed. Joxer reveals the goose eggs. Gabrielle awakens all surly. Xena realizes it wasn’t a dream.
They head to the marketplace and speak in a very “who’s on first” manner. They have made this more confusing then it needs to be. But I love it. Joxer then posits that they’re all actually fiction. Xena graphically explains his death and decides they’ll stay together.
The fight breaks out again. Xena breaks it up and Gabrielle and Joxer head another direction. Only Joxer accidentally starts a fight. He then tries to stop it. Again. Xena hears it and flips over. Just in time to accidentally kill a man. Two more guys try to start a fight and Xena breaks their swords and sends them all home. Now the entire town is angry. They go back to their barn and find that the assholes in the town have brutally murdered Argo.
Another bonfire (kind of small for a horse). Joxer gets sexy by taking off his helmet and apologizes for Argo’s death. The sun sets.
The sun rises. Again with the barn and Joxer and surly Gabrielle. I enjoy how Xena saw alive Argo and was briefly way elated. She then promptly realizes the day is repeating and is amused by Joxer getting knocked in the head.
The walk to the market place repeats. Again Gabrielle and Joxer don’t believe Xena. Again Joxer makes the conversation more idiotic (and hilarious). The fight breaks out and rather then stop it Xena decides to listen to the argument. She decides it means she has to save some old man.
The next day. Xena clotheslines Joxer and rushes off to save the old dude. She saves him but he’s so sad about his hat.
The market walk starts again. Xena is tried and annoyed. Joxer tries to sing to her. Xena goes through what it’s not. Joxer notices a very SUSPICIOUS hickey. Gabrielle looks away. I wonder why?
The fight breaks out and Xena knows that just trying to save the old guy won’t help. She sends Gabrielle and Joxer to an alley and breaks up the fight. But the alley was the wrong place to go. Because the hickey giver is promptly stabbed and dies in Xena’s arms. Another bonfire.
Another day. Xena reaches into the hay. Gabrielle moans and Xena is delighted. There is much hugging. Joxer joins and gets smacked.
The marketplace conversation again.
The next day Xena wakes up early and kills the rooster.
It didn’t work. Xena is now so irritated and Gabrielle and Joxer are irritated because Xena won’t explain the repeating day. Xena then reveals Joxer’s love to Gabrielle who finds it all uncomfortable.
That didn’t work. She breaks up many fights with much punching. The camera pans so quickly. Then Xena realizes she essentially has eternity to understand the root of the problem. Oh and she finds some poison. Joxer suggests his super fight plan again and Xena agrees. Joxer starts a fight with both sides. It ends with three pincushions.
The day begins again only with a chakram to Joxer’s chest. Gabrielle’s confusion rivals Xena’s relaxation for best moment of that scene. I love watching her try to pull the chakram out.
Another day. Only Xena’s tied up Gabrielle and Joxer. Gabrielle is surly. Xena uses the next few days to research the poison she found and learn more about the town (or maybe it was just one day?).
The marketplace scene. Xena answers all the questions before they’re asked. Fights break out. She stops them all and insists that everyone discuss peace. She reveals all sorts of town truths because she now knows the entire town now. I just noticed the two town leaders have HILARIOUS ponytails.
Peace is brokered. People cheer. Xena and the gang head off to party. But some chick is crying and holds the poison.
The day begins again. Xena becomes Yosemite Sam. She then tells Gabrielle and Joxer all about what’s happened. But in a manner that’s very un-Xena like. It puts Gabrielle and Joxer into stupefied shock.
This time she heads straight to girl with the poison. Turns out the girl and her boytoy have also been repeating the day. Man why have they not presented themselves to Xena before?! The entire repeating day thing is because the guy prayed to Cupid. It will continue until the girl survives the day. Which only a hero can help do. Oh and he’s not allowed to interfere. That’s why he hasn’t said anything to Xena.
She goes to bed. Gabrielle and Joxer have not moved.
Another day. Xena clothesline’s Joxer again and races across town to stop early rising suicide girl. But she’s too late.
Fights break out all over town. There are weapons and brawls. Xena cares not. She’s examining all the walls and sorting out all the angles.  Gabrielle and Joxer get caught up in the fight. Xena takes Gabrielle’s staff and Gabrielle does nicely without it. Xena really is a delight this episode. All proud when Gabrielle handles herself in the brawl.
It finally ends with only Gabrielle standing. There are dead or unconscious people EVERYWHERE.
Another day. Xena races out and just throws her chakram. And then her chakram proceeds to save the ENTIRE DAY. Well except for the peace thing. Which Xena’s done before so it ain’t no thang. The day ends with cheering and Gabrielle acts like she was in all it on. Gabrielle you don’t know those people.
Joxer swoops in for a kiss. REJECTED.
The day begins again? Xena is horrified. Only Joxer busts out turnips. That’s not eggs! The day is finally over. Xena hugs everyone and holds the turnips over Gabrielle’s boobs. Joxer is knocked unconscious and everyone laughs like he’s Chaplin. THE END.

How this episode makes historians weep
Those outfits and rapiers! Totes not pre-historic. But whatever we’re supposed to think this is Xena fixing Romeo and Juliet which wouldn’t have even been written. So it’s all good.
Lycos is a search engine.
Minos is a Cretian king who had a wife with bestial proclivities.

Superhuman feats
She’s a prophesied hero who will save an entire town.
She actually saves the entire town.
With the best chakram toss of all time that requires like Hawking’s level intellect.

Where it stands in the series
Joxer has never been more irritating. But if he’d been likable that chakram to the chest wouldn’t have been as enjoyable.
References to hickeys between friends.
The second and third death for Gabrielle.
The third death for Xena.
The first, second and third death for Joxer. Dude was racking them up this episode!

Disclaimer
The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and some mousse straightened out the mess.

Rating ****.5
One of the strongest comedy episodes in the entire show. It takes a familiar fantasy/scifi trope and doesn’t do anything radically different but does use it effectively. Xena growing more and more unhinged over the episode is a much better “crazy” Xena then what the previous episode gave us.
And Joxer as the universe’s whipping boy is always a delight. Ted Raimi is totally the episode MVP. Though Renee O’Connor’s look at the hickey line is awfully funny too.

Coming Soon
Episode 3, The Dirty Half-Dozen
Exactly as the title suggests, Xena rounds up some convicts to go on a suicide mission and save lives.