Xena- Better then You Remember? - Page 2

Season 1, Episode 2 CHARIOTS OF WAR

Episode or Season Recaps? DECISIONS. In the meanwhile here's a recap of the second episode to tide you over!

Summary
Some place. A bar. Gabrielle is trying to woo Xena with tales of Greek mythology. Xena is way too butch to buy in to that and suggests that she instead go in search of a mysterious path that'll allow her to ford a river. As Gabrielle is just a clever farm girl she gets left behind.
Introducing: Some family. They're refugees of the Trojan War. Dad is dreamy in the Kevin Sorbo way and the kids are all so blond it hurts. They're helping a man rebuild his barn after jerks destroyed it. More jerks show up and they have like three archers and a chariot and a dude that looks like Jared Leto. Things are about to get scary folks.
But never fear! Xena is here. She beats back the baddies and saves one of the kids and is generally amazing. So amazing that Jared Leto command his archers to take her out. She catches two of their puny barbarian arrows, but the third one nails her in the stomach.
Which can only mean…TITLES.
This is where things get potentially real. Mr. Not-Sorbo has his priorities all wrong. He’s more worried about taking her weapons then stripping Xena down. Unintentional innuendo flies as Xena tells him how to jam a hot poker in her side to help her wound. It’s pretty gruesome and the sound design is excellent. You really hear the pull of the arrow from flesh and the sizzling of a hot poker. Xena passes out so that we can cut to…
Jared Leto. He’s showing his martial prowess with a staff. His father is kind of impressed. He really wants his son to be Ares’ next chose warlord. Jared tells his dad how he totally beat back Xena, only he doesn’t know it’s Xena yet. There is much talk about taking valleys, and a dead brother, but none of it is enough to make poor Jared Leto worthy of Ares.
Mr. Not-Sorbo’s kids loudly talk about Xena and make plans about what to do with her horse after Xena dies. She tells them she’s not dead yet and they flee.
Back to poor Gabrielle. She’s worried. It’s ADORABLE. She’s too broke to get drunk and too worried to do much else. But not Xena! She’s now all happy to tell the kids about how she blinded a cyclops. Gabrielle isn’t even the tiniest concern for her. In fact she kind of acts like Gabrielle never travels worth her. It’s not cool.
One of Not-Sorbo’s friends shows up. This guy is a tool. He doesn’t like that Xena is a woman and he doesn’t like that Xena fights. He wants her out of the house or people will talk and more people with swords will show up. And this guy doesn’t even know it’s Xena!
Xena hears him and gets sad, so she suddenly remembers Gabrielle and tries to use her as an excuse to leave. Not-Sorbo wants her to stay. He makes sexy eyes. It doesn’t work. The sucking chest wound Xena still has? Does work.
But before Not-Sorbo can use his wound tending skills to woo Xena more jerks show up and set fire to his barn.
The next morning Gabrielle is still without Xena and stuck in a bar with guys with eyepatches. She sees Jared Leto, and claims that they’re dating to keep a skeezy dude away. Jared Leto goes with it because Gabrielle is a looker.
The fire has reduced the barn to ash and Xena’s on the hunt for her weapons so she can find the guys who keep torching things and kill them. Not-Sorbo is against that. He fought in the Trojan War and has seen the light. They will have a meeting with Jared Leto and make peace. Great now he’s a pacifist. Methinks this pseudo-relationship won’t last.
So Gabrielle’s moves? Work way better on Jared Leto. He’s smitten. Gabrielle mentions Xena and maybe suggests that they’re BFFs. After one episode? Someone’s exaggerating! Jared Leto and Gabrielle bond over being dreamers who are being dragged into a life of violence.
Okay, Not-Sorbo has got to go. He’s got Xena out of her armor and into a dress. A DRESS. The look on her face is one shared by all the viewers. We do not watch this show to see Xena prance around in a dress making peace. That’s what Star Trek: TNG is for! But the little bit of wind while Xena only has the dress halfway on? Totally worth it in the trashy romance novel kind of way.
Jared Leto’s dad demands that he kill everyone at the peace talks. This can’t end well.
Now Not-Sorbo has Xena sitting at the back of the room! Will his degradation of her womanhood never end?
Yes it will. Xena realizes that it was a trap. She makes MASSIVE slits in her dress and sets to work kicking ass. There is a lot of leg showing. Everyone blames Xena for the peace talks falling apart. No, better to blame the woman then thank her for once again saving some lives.
Jared Leto’s dad is pissed that Xena ruined the slaughter. He gets even more pissed when he realizes his son won’t ruthlessly slaughter people.
Not-Sorbo and his kids are trying the damnedest to get Xena to stay. It’s irritating. She takes some food and peaces out. And his jerky friend? Rats Xena out. Jared Leto’s dad is a little delighted. Turns out Xena killed Leto’s brother at Corinth. Jared Leto is now all about some slaughter. He wants Xena’s head on a pike.
Xena finally finds Gabrielle again. Gabrielle is just a tad pathetic But she’s also ready for some killing and insists on joining Xena in the upcoming fight. She starts gabbing about Jared Leto. She thinks he’s the one. Sits in a dude’s lap one time and suddenly she’s ready to make babies with him? What the F Gabrielle. What the F.
Xena sees the chariots coming and uses Gabrielle as a lure. Good friend that Xena. Oh but it works. She kicks ass. Races chariots. She and Gabrielle abuse stunt doubles and ADR. Finally Gabrielle leaps onto Xena’s chariot and they have their Ben-Hur moment. Gabrielle recognizes her one true love, but at least she realizes it won’t work. Then she wrecks the chariot.
Turns out Xena didn’t kill Jared Leto’s brother. The news changes his mind. He tries to stop his dad. Not-Sorbo shows up with Xena’s chakram. She uses it to kill Jared Leto’s father. Dad uses his last breath to mock his son. Farewell jerky dad!
Jared Leto calls a meeting. They makes peace. Gabrielle and Xena leave their respective not-boyfriends. Neither relationship would have worked and we all know it. Though Xena does make it sound like Not-Sorbo is her one true love and she’ll one day return to him? Don’t get attached people, because that won’t happen.

How This Episode Makes Historians and Mythology Experts Cry
▪Ares was never actually worshiped. The Greeks actually kind of hated him as he was thought to be a petty and cruel god.
▪Chariots were status symbols in Greece, but the terrain didn’t make them conducive to fighting.

Superhuman Feats
▪As Mythbusters has taught us, catching an arrow is impossible. Catching two arrows. SUPERHUMAN.
▪I don’t know about you, but Xena’s wound, her management of it and her very brief convalescence seem to indicate some sort of superhuman healing ability.

Where It Stands In the Series
This is the first mention of Troy, Ares or Corinth. Xena and Gabrielle actually take part in the Trojan War later in the season so it’s nice to see some ground work laid. Ares because one of the major villains of the entire series and the concept of Ares’ chosen warrior becomes a pretty major thing. And Corinth. You’ll later learn how significant Xena’ battle at Corinth was. You’ll even see bits of the battle. So it’s a pretty big deal.
This is also the first episode to show Gabrielle’s love of storytelling. Pretty soon she’ll identify herself as a bard rather then a warrior (which is for the best).
And the two love interests? Never seen again. They were just a bit of eye candy.

Rating **
Chakrams it is! Everything is a bit too forced and the action isn’t very fun. The show gets better. Honest! Somewhere around episode 15 maybe? Hang in there people! That outfit of Gabrielle's will be flying off in no time!

Coming Soon
Episode 3, Dreamworker! According to IMDB Inception stole heavily from this episode or something. Color me excited.

Season 1, Episode 3 Dreamworker

Summary
Gabrielle is battling the camera? Oh no nevermind. She just kicked a rotten stump’s ass. Xena has to play mom and tell her no, swords are not axes for chopping wood. This was really all about how Xena doesn’t want Gabrielle to learn how to fight. She especially doesn’t want Gabrielle to kill. She looks all sad about it.

Some thugs come along so Gabrielle can learn about what Xena meant when she said “picking up a sword makes you a target.” Xena kicks much thug butt and Gabrielle is nearly killed when she grabs a sword to look fierce. She also does a Xena yell. It doesn’t go well. Thankfully Xena saves Gabrielle and just straight up stabs a thug.

Some creepy cultish dudes sitting in some bushes see it all go down and get a mad cult boner for Gabrielle because she didn’t “stain herself with blood.” I don’t know about you but I don’t have the heart to tell them about Gab’s dear Aunt Flo.

TITLES. Oh look, now you know where that bit with Gabrielle and a sword in the titles came from. Good for you!

Post titles Xena is a dick in the grand tradition of superheroes. She’s riding the horse and making Gabrielle walk. Diiiiick. Gabrielle is still sad that she can’t help. The townspeople are all being kind of creepy and keep asking about Gabrielle’s blood virginity? That’s the best way to describe it. They basically are all hot to trot to know if Gabrielle has ever killed a man. No one asks about Xena being a blood virgin. This is because she dresses like a slut…if sluts were vicious killers.

Gabrielle goes shopping for a sword. There’s just a wee bit of penis envy. Gabrielle is very confused as the armorer is talking about her experience with killing and she thinks he’s talking about sex. He ends up selling her a dagger to go between her boobs. Gabrielle really enjoys it.

Xena helps some blind dude. I wonder if that will be relevant later? She also IMMEDIATELY notices Gabrielle’s boob dagger. Xena, why are you staring at Gabrielle’s boobs? The dagger falls out and Xena coops it. Poor Gabrielle, her boobs aren’t big enough to support the mighty boob dagger.

Random thugs show up and Gabrielle gets kidnapped while Xena finds them. Now Xena is PISSED. (A far cry from the Xena last week.) She is quick enough to figure out that people want Gabrielle because she’s never killed, and something about the blind guy she randomly helped.

So creepy cult guys? Totally put Gabrielle in a wedding dress. She tries to tell them how pathetic she is, but they don’t care. They want to sacrifice her to Morpheus. Somewhere else Xena finds the blind man and starts pressing him for info on what happened to Gabrielle. There’s a lot of talk about being “mystic.” Someone lost their thesaurus in the writer’s room!

Oh and blood virginity is now called “blood innocence.” Xena is NOT cool with Gabrielle losing hers. The blind guy makes up some story about a chosen one. Xena insists she’s that one. She throws off her breast plate and gets to dreaming…about Gabrielle. Oh my.

Xena wakes up in the dream world and is confronted with her past while on a treadmill. She’s Xena, so this doesn’t phase her too badly, but the group of her victims demanding she kill them? Not cool. She tells Morpheus to shut it, shatters a sword and runs away.

Elsewhere the cult figures out what Xena’s up to and sends some goons out to stop her.

But that’s not as interesting as Gabrielle’s “challenges.” The cult has lied to her and told her to make it through the challenges so she can be let go. They give her a sword and a smile. Oh man, guys, all those rules about running Xena gave her at the beginning of the episode; do you think they’ll come into play now? Yes? Good. Gabrielle beats the first challenge by tricking the guys into killing each other. Apparently that doesn’t count as a kill and they send her to bed.

Xena finally finds Gabrielle in the dreamworld. She tests Gabrielle and Gabrielle reveals that she had an extra toe as a kid. Xena totally judges her. They catch each other up on what they’ve been doing. Gabrielle wakes up saying Xena’s name. The cult isn’t jealous. Personally I would be. They’re wise to what Xena’s doing and tell Gabrielle as much.

The blind mystic? He’s moved Xena’s body and is soaking her in dirty water. What the F dude? What the F.

CHALLENGE TWO. Gabrielle’s got a sword and a fire bit and she hears voices. She chunks the sword and grabs a staff. Don’t get used to the staff, she won’t take it on permanently until later. She then out talks the bad guys. It sounds vaguely sexual. The guys kill themselves so they can fight or screw her. I’m not really clear on this. The last guy? Armed with a NET, and he beats Gabrielle with it. Oh Gabrielle you lost to a net, but a knife gets shot out of a geyser and saves her. Lady is l-u-c-k-y. The cult man is displeased. He makes it clear that she won’t get out of the next challenge as easy.

Xena runs into the people she’s killed. They try to guilt her and freak her out but it only riles her up. She looks like she’s passing and stone and somehow kills the guys all over again WITH HER MIND. Then Xena runs into herself. NegaXena! Is it just me or is Lucy Lawless way more awesome when playing evil? NegaXena tries to seduce Xena back to the darkside. Xena shows her remarkable low self esteem and kills herself. Oh Xena.

CHALLENGE THREE. There is a pulley and spikes and Gabrielle being forced towards a goon. This is cross cut with Xena’s battle with NegaXena…and sweaty unconscious Xena. Xena chunks herself into a door which ends up with her materializing in the middle of the challenge. She saves Gabrielle’s blood innocence, kills a TON of dudes, uses the boob dagger and stops the Morpheus cult. Gabrielle punches the head of the cult, because he deserved it.

Xena runs into the blind guy, but now he can see and he has his old job back. Blind guy thanks Xena for saving the valley. How many valleys are there in Greece?

The near killing has taken it’s toll on Gabrielle. She decides that she doesn’t really want to kill. Xena has wise words. It’s a happy ending! People who compared it to Inception are idiots.

How This Episode Makes Historians Weep
The Morpheus cult. It’s all kinds of oddness and wrongness. Yes Morpheus was the god of dreams and yes he had two brothers, but there were no “mystics” and certainly no cult devoted to killing people to create a new bride for Morpheus.

Strangely enough the cult warriors all wore rams heads. The ram is the familiar animal of Mars. I suspect that is unintentional.

Superhuman Feats
•Xena is told she’s the “chosen one.” She enters a dreamscape and defeats her own past or something.
•She uses her mind to kill dreams.
•She jumps through a door in her dream and transports herself to the real world.
•Her breasts support that dagger. SUPERHUMAN BREASTS.

Where it stands in the series
In a lot of ways this episode is the real beginning of the show. It sets up two fundamental theme/plots of the show. That’s Gabrielle’s struggle with killing and Xena’s struggle with her past. It also coins the term “blood innocence.” This will take on a hugely important role in the third season.
Side note: Xena’s outfit in the dreamworld. Remember it and it’s asian influences. You’ll see it again in the later seasons as well.

Rating ***
I'd love to give it more because the show is starting to come together. Lawless is moving out of her Blue Steel phase and into actual acting. The director has figured out how to shoot O'Connor from the chest up while she works on reigning in her hands.
The jokes are starting to actually land and be pretty funny too.
But it's not yet there. Thursday. Thursday is when this show gets good.

Coming Soon
Episode 4, Cradle of Hope. Xena and Gabrielle meet Pandora!

Season 1, Episode 4 Cradle of Hope

Do it! Do the costume recap. I will read it and delight in it. And the gender dynamics of Xena are so critical, even in such an early episode. It's one of the reasons the show was as popular as it was. Even post second generation feminism women weren't ass kickers. They were sidekicks or femme fatales.

And now onto EPISODE 4.

Summary
It begins. There’s a king and an old woman with special stones. Could she be telling a fortune? Possibly. She tells him about a special child who’s destined to take his throne. As it isn’t his child they immediately jump to terrible conclusions. Oh prophecies why are you always misunderstood.
His very orange advisor is pretty sure they should kill the baby. It will make everything better. Some servants sneak the baby out of the castle and send it down the river. Here on out the baby is known as Baby Moses. Get used to it.
Oh man, guess who is going to find this baby? GUESS. It was Xena and Gabrielle. It’s of concern because Gabrielle hears a crying baby and assumes it’s a cat…or a griffon. Do not let her mother your children.
TITLES.
After they find the baby Gabrielle wants to keep it…as her brother. Xena is disgusted. She’s got a thing against babies. We will later learn why she hates babies. It will be tragic. There will be tears. That’s another, better episode.
Knowing that they can’t keep a baby and sleep on the ground and fight bad guys they decide to go out in search of the baby’s mother. Too bad she’s DEAD.
Back at the palace the king is looking at a portrait of his dead wife and being all mopey. Oh jeeze, he’s that kind of king. His advisor keeps insisting that they axe the baby, but the king just wants to see the baby. The advisor is not please. I smell a future betrayal.
So Gabrielle has to be holding a baby to ride the horse? She dismounts rather suddenly when they run into a woman about to be hanged. Xena saves the woman from the mob by threatening to hang the mob leader. Good thinking Xena! And guess who the lady was. Greek’s answer to Eve, Pandora. Xena figures it out very quickly. So this Pandora? The granddaughter of the original Pandora. She’s charged with taking care of the box, because hope is trapped inside…and that’s a good thing? I missed something about that particular myth I guess.
Xena puts Pandora in charge of the baby and sends Gabrielle to do other things lest she gets bored and opens the box…because Gabrielle is a complete idiot. They go to a bar and demand milk and port. Oh Xena, that drink sounds awful. Xena puts up her weapons and they all have a drink. Gabrielle lusts after the baby and Xena notices the bartender is preparing to do bad things.
Sure enough the king’s advisor shows up and tries to arrest…the baby. Xena will have none of it. She breathes fire, does the splits in midair and kicks some ass. The advisor and his peeps flee…with Pandora’s box. GREAT. Xena smacks the bartender around and puts the pinch on her. Yeeees. I missed you pinch thingy. You make dudes stop breathing and bleed from their noses. She gets the 411 on the king (King Gregor).
King Gregor knows all about Xena but hasn’t heard about Xena’s new life as a hero. His advisor calls Xena Xenar. Mmm badly disguised accents. Get used to them! He also convinces Gregor to kill the baby. Then a note shows up from Xena. As Gregor assumes she’s got a huge army hidden somewhere and wants his kingdom he decides to meet.
In a barn somewhere Pandora reveals that she has to have the box or it will open on it’s own and hope will escape. Somewhere else the box ticks ominously.
The king and his advisor start bitching about how Xena is late, but she isn’t! She was hiding behind the bartender! Delightful. She judges the king for wanting to kill the baby. He judges her for all the horrible things she did before. Man Xena. You were a massive c*nt. They stare off. Xena calls Gregor’s bluff. He walks away ready to destroy hope for his kingdom. Uh terrible priorities.
Back at the barn Gabrielle shows up with the servant who sent the baby down river. Xena is impressed. She also thinks that Gregor is a good man. That was some stare off! They find out from the servant that the advisor will make servant women dance for him. Xena sees a prime opportunity.
She dresses up all sexy like and dances for the advisor and his cronies. It’s some harem outfit that doesn’t look very Greek. The advisor is amazed by Xena’s head thrashing or whatever she’s doing. Her sexy dance puts them all into a sex frenzy. Xena is about to grab the box when Gregor shows up. He’s not okay with the box just sitting out and takes it. The advisor then plots to kill the king and Xena…in front of Xena. The advisor, deciding murder plots aren’t enough for one evening also insists on sexy veil Xena being brought to his room.
Gabrielle watches Pandora with the baby and realizes that the baby and Pandora are better together then she was with it. Good for you Gabrielle.
The advisor tries to seduce Xena. She doesn’t sound very sexy while talking. She just sounds pissed. The advisor is about to stick it to her, but Xena’s too fast. She knocks him out and sets off for the box. The way they shoot it makes her look naked. I noticed this for science.
She comes across the king talking to a dusty crib. Someone needs to get this guy into see Next To Normal stat! He’s grieving way too long. Xena knocks him out (two for two Xena!), grabs the box and tries to flee, but woman is slow with a rope or something and gets caught. Come on Xena you could have made that jump.
Oh wait. She did make the jump. Whew. She runs off. It’s a delightful chase. There is much ADR then things go into slow motion as Pandora reaches out for the box and keeps it closed just.in.time.
Seeing the king quietly weeping over his son’s cradle gives Xena an idea. She cleans the cradle up and leaves Baby Moses in it. She convinces Gregor to adopt the baby and fulfill the prophecy in the least deadly way possible. The advisor sees what’s happening and doesn’t agree. As he has his sword out I predict a fight. Yup. Xena kicks ass, tosses the baby THROUGH THE AIR and kicks more ass. Xena baby tossing is not a good thing. Don’t do it.
And then Gabrielle tosses the baby. Her toss is awful. The baby comes very very close to dying, but it’s laughing so it’s all good? Then Xena tosses the baby like twenty feet in the air, and then to Gabrielle. Someone tell them baby =/= football.
Xena uses a trick for her superhuman feat list and kills the advisor. People randomly cheer. Gabrielle and Xena make sexy eyes at each other. The king and Pandora become besties. They will make babies one day no doubt. They will care for the baby together. HAPPY ENDINGS.
Talking over the box Gabrielle and Xena ponder fate. Gabrielle’s fat ass then knocks the box over and falls open. Hope was never in the box! It was in their heeeeearts. Hug it out guys.

How This Episode Makes Historians Weep
That is not how the Pandora myth goes. Also if Pandora is THE Pandora’s granddaughter then the show takes place in pre-historical times. Pretty sure they didn’t have steel swords before history.

Superhuman Feats

• XENA BREATHES FIRE.
• Xena kicks dudes in the face while doing the splits in midair!
• Xena does a super sexy dance that sends everyone into a sexual frenzy!
• Xena bungie jumps with fabric that doesn’t have the elasticity to do such a jump and she’s fine!
• Xena does her pinch thing! Try it on a child. It doesn’t work for us mere mortals!
• Xena catches a sword…with her bare hands. Mythbusters tells us this is impossible for a human!

Where it stands in the series
Well now we know where that badly dressed king from the title sequence came from. Huzzah! Otherwise? This is a very standard Xena episode. Not as bad as I expected, but not the stuff that makes the show special. We see two more tropes added to the Xena arsenal. The fire breathing thing, which Lawless was trained to do and can still do now, and the sexy dance.
Otherwise it shows that Xena and Gabrielle are getting closer to one another? That’s important I suppose.

Rating **
Why am I so nice? Because the episode passed quickly. It was complete harmless fun.
Okay I went back and knocked it down to two stars. It’s perhaps too harmless.

Coming Soon
Shite is about to get good…for first season Xena that is. Xena runs into an ex-lover she could really settle down with.

Season 1, Episode 5 The Path Not Taken

Summary
Greece, Ancient times.

Some ADR sounding lady is hanging out with her husband. They’re the ancient Greece version of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo looks RIDICULOUS. He makes an awkward joke about making babies and telling their grandchildren about it. Yikes.

Some goons pop out and kidnap Juliet and put an end to Romeo’s bad jokes.

TO XENA. Gabrielle is chatting. She’s in a new outfit? She immediately chooses the worse dive for eating. Xena uses Argos to take out a drunk. WITH A WHISTLE. They head in and Xena uses violence while Gabrielle is oblivious. Serial check! Gabrielle is talking about the last episode like it was important. Okay. Xena breathes fire and puts an end to the conversation. Gabrielle doesn’t know why they always have an easy time getting a table. Xena wants know part of it, but the siren call of gold and romance has Gabrielle all for the rescue. Romeo makes a big plea and says his wife’s name. It totally sounds like “Mangina.” Xena finally agrees, because who wouldn’t want to save someone named Mangina? Oh and she takes a necklace from Romeo. I bet it shows up later.

Xena is about to go into a city full of horrible jerks who she used to hang with. Gabrielle is worried Xena will cross to the dark side. Adorable. Romeo and Gabrielle stay behind to wait for Xena. Gabrielle sets to telling a story in ADR.

Introducing the VILLAIN. He kidnapped the girl to start a huge war between kingdoms. He’s working with Mr. SexyPants (Marcus). They’re excited about the money.

Xena walks into a bar and everyone is excited to see her. She’s so evil in the fakest way possible. Can we get to Lucy Lawless as a good actress please? She uses Draco as an excuse for why everyone thinks she’s good. Marcus rolls in and calls her out. Will they fight? Well? This tension killllls! No they’re totally buddies and Xena wants to bone him.

Gabrielle is listening to how Romeo and Juliet met. I’d care but his face is so weird I’m judging him. Gabrielle realizes a war could start and forces Romeo to go with her to talk with Juliet’s dad.

Back at Xena’s bar she’s drinking with Marcus. They really want to hook up, but they can’t. I don’t know why. The villain of the week appears. If his introduction wasn’t evil enough his entrance into the bar sure is. He’s so evil he asks a guy he nearly killed to come in for a job. This means he’s evil AND smart.

Marcus and Xena are trying to flirt. It almost turns to kissing but they see the princess be shipped off for some raping. Marcus introduces Xena to the Villain. He’s so smart he has a ton of crossbows trained on Xena. But he doesn’t kill her. They decide to have dinner or something later.
ELSEWHERE, Gabrielle and Romeo run into some guards. Xena’s not there so there is no fighting. They instead are disarmed and taken to Juliet’s father.
Man, Marcus really wants to bone Xena. First stop on the tour? The hot tub. He confesses to having total recall and starts talking about the last time they had sex. She’s ready and willing, but that stupid princess is once more dragged by.

Xena meets with the villain and makes a big lie about having an army and making the potential war last for years. Villain is planning on killing the princess. Xena suggests letting her live. She convinces him to give her the princess, but then the princess takes matters into her own hands. She climbs up onto a building and threatens to kill herself. Everyone LOLs. Xena has a chat with her and convinces her that her plan is absolutely idiotic. She also tells the princess that she’s there to rescue her. It would have been more convincing if she’d dressed like a stormtrooper. Oh but wait! That necklace she took at the beginning? She shows it to the princess to convince her she’s for real. They make plans to meet at the hot tub. Oh Xena you minx. Oh and while she’s busy saving the day with words she convinces the villain to hold off on raping the princess. Good times.

THAT NIGHT. Xena sneaks (well there’s a little hitting) into the villain’s weapon’s supply room. Marcus catches her. The jig is up! He knows she’s a good guy! The villain rolls in and assumes Marcus is working with Xena. Marcus convinces the villain that it’s all good. After the villain leaves Marcus reveals that he’s actually maybe a good guy? So many secrets these two!
Marcus tells Xena a story about how he tried to be a good guy once. Clearly it didn’t go well if he’s working for a weapon’s dealer and embezzling weapons from the dude. He realizes that Xena is very different. Are they going to make out? I think? Maybe? Yes.

Oh Gabrielle. I’m so disappointed. She and Romeo didn’t meet the king. They are in irons. Gabrielle has a wooden thing around her neck and arms. Good job. She’s informed that she’ll be killed in the morning. GREAT job.

Back at the Xena/Marcus kiss-a-thon Xena stops with the smooches and goes to meet the princess. The villain is right behind her. She opens the door dressed in a fancy gown. WHERE IS THE PRINCESS? Oh. In the water. Xena distracts the villain with a little Basic Instinct clam shot. The villain tells Xena about the impending death of Gabrielle and Romeo and then Xena sends him away with a promise of sex at a later date.

Woah nelly that’s some cleavage on the princess!

Marcus beats a guy up for saying that Xena’s a good guy. What a guy. “You say she’s an evil bitch! SAY IT.”

He runs off to find Xena and catches her hiding the princess in a box. It’s all very involved. He maybe threatens to shoot the princess. Um Xena, maybe this guy is a little too evil for dating? Maybe? Xena flashes those eyes and tries to convince Marcus to go away with her. But he makes it very clear that he likes being a jerk.

That’s all Xena needs to hear! FIGHTING ENSUES. Xena’s little shouts really do make the fight. It’s be so boring otherwise. Every film featuring a fight should have that shout thing. Hold crap did she just do Liu Kang kick to a dude’s face?
The villain shows up and shouts about killing people. Then he kills Marcus.
Xena then slits his throat from across the room with a chakram. Daaaaamn.
Xena comforts Marcus as he dies. It’s a little sweet. There’s a moment of real acting from Lawless. Aw. And then…Xena’s mourning song. Written and performed by Lucy Lawless. There’s some commentary somewhere where she talks about how much she hated that song by the end of the show. Whatever, for it’s first appearance it works. Gabrielle is at the funeral. I guess she got out off screen? They are both sad about Marcus being dead. Gabrielle tries to be serious. It works! But the “my friend” bit. Too much people. Too much.

How This Episode Makes Historians Weep
Those kingdoms? Don’t exist!
Crossbows? Not invented yet!

Superhuman Feats
•I was all for putting the bit where she super flash changes out of armor and into a silky robe bit here, but then she pulled the robe off and I realized she was wearing it OVER the armor. Still, she didn’t look bulky at all. That’s got to be superhuman.
•Again with the fire breathing.
•But killing a dude with a chakram? And blood all over the guy’s neck? AWESOME.
•Also awesome? LIU KANG BICYCLE KICK TO DUDE’S CHEST. Brought a tear to my eye.

Where it stands in the series
Well first, nice callback to the previous episode. It was especially nice in how you didn’t even need to see the episode to get what was going down.

Now to the future! So the villain? Remember him. He might show up later.

Marcus. Way important. This entire episode is about the life Xena used to lead. She used to be a badass that everyone respected and feared. She used to have huge armies and gold and people at her beck and call. She used to have friends. Now’s she’s got Gabrielle and a horse. That’s it.

Only then she finds Marcus. He was one of the good guys in a sea of horrible people, but he was never as good as he could or should be. He was weak when it came to standing up for himself or others. And as much as Xena really misses him, and misses her more then she might even miss her old life, she’s fundamentally different. She can’t just look the other way no matter how much her vajajay might want her to.

Sadly this episode occurs just too early in the run of the show to carry the weight it wants to or should have carried. It’s important, yes, but more because we’re told it’s important. There will be a much better “tempt Xena back to the old life” episode later on in the series.


Rating *** 1/2
I really wanted to go with four chakrams but Lawless is just way too uneven as an actress in this episode. Otherwise it’s pretty great. The fights are inventive, the deaths nice and blood/sad and O’Connor has found her niche as the wisecracking and ineffectual sidekick. If the writing and acting hadn’t been so uneven this episode might have been a real gem.

Coming Soon
Episode 6, The Reckoning. Introducing ARES. Get excited. It’ll be fun, and cheesy as hell. Gabrielle may get slapped in the face. There might be some bondage. A god who may be Xena’s father might try to seduce her. Good eats folks. Good eats.

I would love to do it but I just haven't seen enough Hong Kong films (I'm trying!) to do it justice. But they were apparently big fans of those films on set and frequently used them as references. There's a whole Ashes of Time riff in the third season that's pretty great.

Season 1, Episode 6, The Reckoning

If today is Christmas for you then merry Christmas. Otherwise? Happy Saturday. I hope you’re using it to catch up!

Summary
But really Xena, there is room on that horse. Gabrielle can sit up there. You’re officially a massive jerk for making her walk. She’s in a long skirt and peasant shoes and is complaining about pain. Jerk. But it’s for the best because Gabrielle goes off in search of some fabled “road” and Xena races off and arrives at a caravan just in time to see them all slaughtered by a hooded man. She’s pissed and ready to fight. Only this guy is good. He waves his cloak around and leaps nimbly away and in general makes Xena look like a chump. And when Xena goes in for a kill shot he disappears leaving her a ton of nearly dead to dead dudes. And guess how all the weepy townspeople find her? Covered in blood and lurking over dead dudes. Rakes and pitchforks come out of nowhere as we cut to…
TITLES. (I love the bit where Xena waves her sword at Poseidon while going “Yargh!” Cracks me up.
Xena makes it pretty clear that she didn’t kill anyone but these people are idiots. She’s the only one there so clearly she’s the killer. She waves her sword around and rides away because daaamn they want to lynch her. Horse beats feet and she’s off screaming for Gabrielle…who’s disrobed next to a nasty looking pond. Oh Gabrielle. Oh Gabrielle doesn’t ride because Argo hates her.
The two flee. It’s a very striking look what with warrior and virginal girl in white on horseback.
Oh shit Odo is here. Sorry I cursed. I can’t help it. ODO. He’s overseeing a crowd of angry people who want to hunt Xena down. Odo is all for bringing her in but he demands a trial before he’ll let them kill her. Cloaked killer man appears from nowhere. No one notices. Oh he’s a ghost. They all just walked through him.
Gabrielle is amused that Xena ran and a little confused. Xena is innocent and if it comes to a trial it won’t be hard to prove it, but Xena’s worried, the peasants are idiots and the killer was better at fighting then Xena. She insists that if necessary Gabrielle is to cut all ties with Xena and go home or something. Her bangs are very serious about this course of action.
And again with the walking and riding. Gabrielle is oblivious to all the townspeople lurking. Xena pulls her up on the horse and picks up the pace. But the peasants set a trap. They block the horse and grab Gabrielle. They’re still terrible at catching Xena, but Odo shows up and lets Gabrielle go. Odo is so awesome that Xena gives up. Dudes sucker punch her.
And holy hell they’ve taken her armor. Her undies? Not attractive. That much beige is never good. She’s trussed up and Gabrielle walks in. Some fanfic writer nervously rewrites the scene for sexytime. In the real world Xena insists that Gabrielle go because the people want to kill Xena, and maybe she deserves it. Sadly her “No Gabrielle leave” is so pathetic that Gabrielle ignores it.
Enter cloaked killer. He appears to Xena and she immediately knows who it is. Duh. Ares. I love this dude and his facial hair and his voice. He’s like a dark David Hasselhoff. Xena is enchanted when he gives her a massage. Then, like a sinister fairy godfather Ares whisks her away to a bedroom. I guess it is supposed to be awesome. It does not look it.
Xena wants to know why he killed those villagers and he wants to know why she’s not naked. Ares must hate that underwear as much as I do. So does Xena! Off the ugly clothes and on with the silky nightgown. Ares is being all sexy while telling Xena to return to her more awesome and bloody old life. He hangs the carrot of good deeds in front of her. He’ll make her an empress and all she has to do is join him. Then he shows her a huge army he made just for her. Xena, I got to admit that this offer is looking good. Dude in leather pants, a giant army, good deeds. What’s not to like! All she has to do is ask for his help out of her current predicament.
Odo and Gabrielle are chatting about the upcoming trial. Odo insists that he should be Xena’s lawyer. Gabrielle, with no experience at all wants to do it.
Outside the townspeople are dragging a straw man around. Ah I get it. On the nose duders. That’s how Xena will die. Ares reappears and is all “come on Xena, say my name.” She’s all “F you I GOT this.” Gabrielle is horrified at what they’re about to do to Xena. She wraps the dragging rope around herself so that they’ll have to kill her if they want to kill Xena. Odo wants again saves the day. The trial will happen and no one will be randomly dragged through the street (that happens in season 3!). (Also so many close ups of Ares!)
Xena is totally going to lose the trial, but Gabrielle is optimistic and off she goes to investigate the crime scene. She finds something and and runs back to Odo. Gabrielle is now a tracker. She takes him back to show the tracks she found, but Ares disappears them because he’s a bigger dick then Xena. Odo is not amused. Gabrielle is worried.
THE TRIAL. Oh this is already hysterical. A pregnant lady is crying because she heard her husband die. This is not a good witness for Xena’s case. Another guy gives testimony. Xena glares at them all the same way. Finally Gabrielle, lawyer and tracker extraordinaire is up to bat. She’s poking holes in the testimonies, but these people are idiots. Hysteria! Even happens in Ancient Greece!
They truck in the only survivor of the attack with the hope that he’ll exonerate Xena, but he’s worthless. Gabrielle tries to cross examine but his wife is all NO. This is a terrible legal system guys.
That night the idiots come to whip Xena like you do. And another fanfic writer wrote something sexy and highly disturbing. Thanks Xena. Ares appears to her during the beating and tells her to ask for help. But Xena won’t have it. They go back to their sexy palace and trade innuendo. Yeeeeah. Flashback to evil Xena! Good Xena is getting turned on by her past. Well those pauldrons ARE awesome.
In the real world Xena screams, breaks her chains and goes to town kicking ass. Take that farmers! She just beats the crap out of them. Good times. Gabrielle comes in in horror. Shit goes slow mo and Xena bitch slaps Gabrielle. If you dislike Gabrielle this was a wonderful moment. It’s a bad one for Xena. She snaps out of her rage and sets to looking after the guys she beat up. Gabrielle runs away. Odo comes in and wonders why she didn’t leave when she could have, and Xena reveals what we knew all along. She’s guilty as hell. She’s killed thousands, and even though she didn’t kill these specific villagers she deserves to die. Odo will have none of it. She’s on trial for a specific incident and he has no right to judge her past actions.
Gabrielle is over getting punched in the face and shows up to break Xena out. Xena won’t have it. Despite wanting different things they make up. Aw. Then Xena closes her eyes and calls for Ares and is immediately transported to his bedroom. Xena gets him to confess. This would work in the modern day with a tape recorder. In Ancient Greece it’s pretty worthless. Oh. Xena gets Ares to pledge to bring back to life anyone of her choosing. He’s thinking Hector and Achilles. She obviously has someone else on her mind.
Execution time! They found Xena guilty. No surprise. Xena then demands that Ares bring back the men who he killed rather then some famous heroes. Ares isn’t pissed he’s impressed. He brings the guys back. Aw. Go Ares. One dude’s name is dangerously close to areola. Seeing as the men are alive and one of them backs up Xena’s story it’s pretty obvious that Xena can’t be guilty.
Gabrielle and Xena bond post prison. Aw they’re walking together! Gabrielle tries to punch Xena as payback. It fails. The Xena is amused. So was I.

How this Episode Makes Historians Weep
Nothing especially offensive. I’m positive that Gabrielle wouldn’t have been allowed to advocate for Xena and that the legal process didn’t resemble what happened on the show at all, but whatever. ARES.

Superhuman Feats
•Xena holds her own against a god.
•Xena breaks iron chains.
•Xena smashes a door off it’s hinges.
•Xena smacks Gabrielle in the FACE.

Where it stands in the series
It introduces Ares. Besides Ted Raimi, Kevin Smith is the only guy to appear in every season of the show. Ares is a very big part of the mythos of Xena: Warrior Princess and this episode does a great job setting up the push and pull of his relationship with Xena.
This also clinches the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle. They’re now best friends and even a smack to the face won’t change that (it takes a LOT more).

Rating ****
What? It was a good episode. Maybe my love for Kevin Smith is overwhelming my good sense, but the episode just WORKED. Lawless is still doing her Blue Steel look and speaking in a very measured tone, but I can forgive it because the rest of the cast is so good. And more, it gets me excited for future episodes.

Coming Soon
Episode 7: The Titans. Gabrielle wakes up some seriously tall people. Wacky hijinks ensue. This episode will be a terrible Christmas present.

Note
Yes I know it wasn’t René Auberjonois. Whatever. Dude looked JUST like him.

Season 1, Episode 7 The Titans

Summary
Xena is way too happy about staring at some goons. She has Gabrielle watch Argo and goes to start some trouble. She disarms herself just so she can fight them sans weapon and show off how badass she is. <3 Xena. She does her little spin kick on a staff thing SANS staff. One of the guys is so scared he steals a horse and rides away. Xena calls for Argo but he’s slow because Gabrielle was watching him and is slow. Xena snaps at Gabrielle and rides after the bad guy.
Gabrielle? She wanders into a cave full of cloaked people reading a scroll. Yes Gabrielle this can only go well for you. The woman reading the scroll? Totally a virgin. Look at that hair and that dress. They’re all mad sad because she’s reading the scroll wrong. Gabrielle, scholar of maps and things, offers to read the scroll. She gives it a little flair…and wakes up some Titans. Oh Gabrielle. And the best part? It only worked because Gabrielle’s a virgin. Now EVERYONE knows.
The titans are pleased with what she did and offer to be her servants. Man I always wanted three twenty foot tall people at my beck and call.
TITLES. Sidenote. Tha pauldrons Xena wears in the titles were apparently SUPER painful for Lawless to wear.
Xena is now racing across the New Zealand country side after Hesiod (NOT the writer of epic poems). Hesiod shows up in a bar and is followed closely by Xena. He takes the bartender hostage and Xena makes like she’ll let him, but she doesn’t because she’s Xena. Before she can take him to the authorities more bad guys show up. Before she can fight them Gabrielle shows up with her new titans. Aw a girl and her new toys. The goons flee because the titans are ginormous and swat them around like flies.
Holy forced perspective! Gabrielle is getting a little sad about them constantly calling her a virgin. I find it hilarious. She sends her titans off to do some chores. One clearly isn’t cool with it. Xena is mildly amused that the titans see Gabrielle as a goddess.
Oh man, Hyperion is so mad about playing in the mud. He tosses his toy cart and makes a pass at the “titaness.” The titans all discuss Gabrielle’s goddess status. They seem to think she has powers beyond repulsing dudes penises.
Gabrielle trusts the titans but Xena’s pretty sure they’re locked away in a cave for a reason. The titans return from their chores and demand that Gabrielle create a feast with her powers. As Gabrielle has no powers she makes up some story. Hyperion calls her bluff by blowing her down with a breath. Hyperion then decides that he will own the valley. Xena intervenes because she’s Xena. She stabs Hyperion in the toe and then everyone FLEEEEEES.
Hyperion gets his Godzilla on and starts smashing the village up. Xena, Gabrielle and young cloaked guy take refuge in a temple. As it’s the temple of Cronus Hyperion can’t attack. So he goes back to the cave and makes another pass at lady Titan. Apparently there is a love triangle going on between Hyperion, lady Titan and bald Titan. Lady Titan you can do SO MUCH better then Hyperion. Just saying. Hyperion is ready to kill Xena and take Gabrielle so she can do a second chant.
At the temple more refugees show up. Hyperion isn’t far behind. He demands Xena for the life of every mortal he sees. The refugees are all “leave Xena we don’t want to die!” Gabrielle is unconcerned because young cloaked guy is kind of good looking and she’s got to work her mojo. Hesiod is in charge of being the naughty guy with morally wrong suggestions. Xena is intrigued.
Oh dear. Some goods were on a walk and now people are afraid the Titans will smoosh them. Cut to the kids. What a bunch of wieners. They’re so idiotic they walk RIGHT BY the cave. Smash them Hyperion. Learn ‘em a good lesson! The adult with them runs away with hands over head. It’s hilarious. Hyperion then corrals the kids into the cave and prepares to step on them. It’s pretty dang funny. But the other two titans aren’t okay with killing kids. Bald Titan stops him. The two fight. Kids scream. The ground shakes, and Hesiod, back at the temple, continues stirring up trouble.
Xena finds the cave and goes running in. Lady Titan is moaning, Hyperion is kicking Bald Titans ass. Lady Titan is STILL moaning. The kids are crying. Now I’m moaning. Xena finds the kids and takes them away while the titans fight. Hyperion stabs Bald Titan! Not cool!
Using her sword Xena runs the kids back to the temple. Just in time to be grabbed by some refugees. Hesiod is now free and takes a tied up Xena back to the titans…in a terrible wooden box.
Hesiod, being a twat, interrupts Hyperion comforting Lady Titan. He and his new friend bring the box before the titans, but when they open it Xena is gone. Boned! Hyperion smooshes them. They go back to the cave where Xena finds them. Hyperion stands n front of a blue screen and talks about awaking an army of titans. Xena’s all “oh noes!”
Back at the temple Gabrielle and cloaked young guy are tied up. Xena magically appears and tells everyone that the titans can’t be reasoned with. As she’s alive and Hesiod is dead people listen. They start devising some sort of weapon or something. Gabrielle’s new boy toy comes up with a second option. Reading another scroll! Xena says NO and Gabrielle and Boy Toy go off to get some rest. Xena finds them all snuggly and her face is completely unreadable. Did…did Gabrielle just get some? Aaaawkward. Jealous Xena? She and Gabrielle have a very tiny tiff and Xena goes back to building her device.
Gabrielle sneaks back to the cave. Lady Titan is asleep and STILL moaning. Jeeze woman. Gabrielle starts looking through the scrolls. She finds the one she wants but before she can read it Lady Titan captures her! She and Hyperion demand she reads another scroll. Gabrielle starts to stall.
Back at the temple they find out Gabrielle’s gone. Xena immediately assumes it’s because Gabrielle is trying to prove herself, but she’s not that worried. “If anyone can stall it’s Gabrielle.”
True! Gabrielle is telling some tales from the none smooshed Hesiod’s playbook. Then she starts reading the scroll, but all wrong. Hyperion is getting irritated. Gabrielle finally reads it the right way apparently, but she’s no longer a virgin so it doesn’t work. Xena arrives and traps Hyperion. Before she can kill him Lady Titan intervenes. She would rather be turned to scroll then see Hyperion killed.
Hyperion breaks out and Xena has to read the scroll to Gabrielle (who’s still a virgin). Right before the last part can be said Hyperion tries to kill Gabrielle. Xena knocks him into a pit and Gabrielle reads the last bit of the scroll. Day saved!
Gabrielle’s almost boy toy is still enchanted with Gabrielle. There’s a little nod to their virginity. But more importantly Xena makes it clear that she’s not mad at Gabrielle and they’re still besties. Aw.

How This Episode Makes Historians Weep
Okay so once there was this guy named Hesiod. He wrote the Theogony which is a pretty excellent origin story for Greek mythology. A part of that work is the battle between Zeus and his siblings and Cronus (Zeus’s dad) and HIS siblings. Cronus was a titan, as were his brothers and sisters. When Zeus usurped his throne to be the lord of all things he murdered Cronus and locked the titans away in Tartaros. Some were given other fates. Atlus was charged with holding the entire world on his shoulders. And Prometheus, having sided with the gods, was allowed to walk free. (Then he felt pity for man and gave them fire and was chained to a rock.)
They were not turned to stone and left in a cave where any old human could find them and free them, and they probably wouldn’t have been okay siding with some random goddess on account of the gods having trapped them all.
The three titans who appear were actual titans. Hyperion wasn’t the sun god though. That was his son with sister-wife Theia (Helios). But he was referred to as a god of light and often mistaken for a sun god so we can forgive.
Theia was Hyperion’s sister and wife, and like Hera after her she was super maternal and called cow-eyed. In Greece this was actually a compliment. She was the mother of the moon and the sun and and the dawn. So her vagina most have been a sight to behold.
Crius was the final titan and he was essentially “the other one” among the titans. So his portrayal on Xena was kind of accurate!
And finally the Temple of Cronus. So Cronus was known as Saturn to the Romans and like Mars it was a case of a reviled figure gaining some respect and love from the people. He wasn’t actually worshipped by the Greeks though. They considered him awful, and they’re right. Dude ate his own kids so he could stay king! So a temple to him wouldn’t have existed and if it did it would have been super tiny.

Superhuman Feats
•She took on Titans, the parents of the gods. Intense.
•Friends with a virgin who can awaken titans with a few words.
•Super awesome spinning kick thing that didn’t even require a staff!

Where It Stands in the series
This episode will be referenced a few more times over the course of the show as an example of the impressive feats of Xena and Gabrielle. It’s also the first time we establish Gabrielle’s sexual status which is kind of touched on later in the show as well. But otherwise this be a stand alone peeps!

Rating **
I can’t give it three stars no matter how fun it was. The misuse of Greek mythology displeases me. I must go read a book of the Illiad to cleanse my palate.

Coming Soon
Episode 8, Prometheus
Kevin Sorbo and Michael Hurst appear as their characters from Hercules. They have to free Prometheus from his prison. Exciting times!

Season 1, Episode 8, Prometheus

Summary
Some guys are sneaking up on a sleeping Xena and Gabrielle. They get in close and decapitate Xena. Only it’s a watermelon with a Xena wig. She fights all of them and Gabrielle takes a nap. Aw. One of the guys get’s stabbed in the neck by his friend and Gabrielle has to wake up to help save him. Xena does a tracheotomy to keep the guy alive. Gabrielle is impressed.
In an inn later that night Xena stares out at a storm and ponders things. Then the death of trach guy is intercut with a naked guy getting chained up by magical chains. The death hits Xena hard and she questions herself. Then more sickly people keel over and Xena suspects foul play. Then they all hear the screams of naked dude. It’s Prometheus. If he’s ever bound then things like fire and medicine stop working because they were gifts from him. RUR OH.
TITLES.
Xena is hit by an overwhelming urge to visit an oracle. She says it’s because a friend told her to go. Cut to some women who are dancing all crazy like. Two thumbs up. Holy hell their eye make up is Mimi from the Drew Carey show times TEN. The oracle makes Xena reach for a tablet in the mouth of a dinosaur skull. If she doesn’t do it fast enough she’ll get chomped in half. It’s touch and go, but this is Xena, so I spend my time wondering how the oracle and her friends light the candle next to the tablet in the dinosaur’s mouth.
The tablet shatters. That was all a game/test. The oracle then googlemaps the route to saving Prometheus. It might involve a magic sword.
Outside she and Gabrielle have a talk about what Gabrielle would do if Xena dies. Foreshadowing or what?
They find a tourist trap shop. Gabrielle will have none of it. She’s an A+ shopper. Xena isn’t as big on negotiating. She just manhandles the dude for info and leaves Gabrielle.
Meanwhile Hera and Prometheus chat.
Xena finds the cave. Someone was lazy because it’s the exact same cave as the last episode only with an arch and some dog statues…and some follower of Hera. Make that like six. Xena runs through a passage way, does some Splinter Cell gymnastics and generally owns everyone’s face. Finally she gets the sword. It’s a very Arthurian moment.
Back at her horse she finds Hercules. He wants the sword. She does her little yell and charges. Dude takes her on with driftwood. It comes to a draw. Xena mounts her horse and rides away. Hercules follows.
Back at the shop Gabrielle meets Iolaus. He and Gabrielle are essentially the same plus/minus a few parts. They bond. Xena arrives and Gabrielle is surprised to find that Iolaus knows Xena. Xena threatens Iolaus and leaves. Why are she and Hercules/Iolaus at odds?
Oh and through all this we find out that a single paper cut will kill a person.
Iolaus wants to know why Hercules and Xena are fighting over who will free Prometheus. It IS pretty silly.
Gabrielle is more concerned with whether Xena and Hercules want to date each other. Some guys show up. They fight. Hercules and Iolaus show up. More fighting. Gabrielle’s sitting in the back with a rake wondering why she doesn’t do anything. Xena nut shots a dude. Of all of them she’s the only one who laughs while beating people up.
One last guy uses the magic sword to attack Xena, but Hercules blocks the blow and we find out that whoever uses the sword to free Prometheus will die. Gabrielle introduces herself to Hercules. It is SUPER uncomfortable. Oh and we find out Iolaus has been wounded, but he’s too manly to say anything.
There’s a lot of back and forth over who should free Prometheus. Xena reveals her massive self esteem issues. There’s some longing looks and stuff. Who else forgot they were suppose to be in lurve? Show of hands!
They’re at a new cave and it’s the EXACT same as the last two. Gabrielle spends a lot of time being starstruck and insulting Iolaus. She finds out he’s hurt and agrees to cover up his injury for the greater good.
Now there’s a random cave in. Hercules uses his super strength to protect them. Iolaus’s wound is revealed. Xena’s kind of irritated. Hercules wants to make out with him? So confused! Gabrielle agrees to stay and comfort him while Xena and Hercules go off to fight. There are some goodbyes. Gabrielle basically tells Xena to let Hercules die. Iolaus basically tells Hercules to die. Poor Hercules.
Hercules and Xena bond some more over those episodes where she was introduced. Who else can only think of that AWFUL animated movie where Gabrielle gets turned into a giant bird? Because I hate you I will post a link to the part where Xena sings to bird Gabrielle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7RKP_4ASsY
Anways it comes out that Hercules told Xena to go to that Oracle. And then they kiss. Xena tries to use it as an opportunity to grab the sword.
Iolaus and Gabrielle bond some more over being sidekicks. But then fire throughout the world disappears. The loss of fire allows Xena and Hercules to find a way up to top. Xena takes the sword and knocks Hercules out.
She finds Prometheus chained to a rock and surrounded by GIANT eggs. Below Hercules wakes up and quickly sorts out what happened. He then starts free climbing up to where Xena is.
Further down the mountain Gabrielle is comforting a very sick Iolaus with Plato’s story of soul mates.
Above Xena makes her way through the giant styrofoam eggs. She’s almost to Prometheus when the eggs all crack open to reveal these green dudes with axes. I don’t know what the heck they’re supposed to be. Some sort of vulture man? Hercules climbs up then and Xena stops fighting the vulture dudes so she can free Prometheus. Only an actual bird shows up and grabs her and flies away…seriously. Xena kicks the bird until it drops her, and then uses a robe to kind of direct the bird back to where it picked her up, but not before it slams her into a cliff face and flies so fast it goes supersonic. Wait. It wasn’t taking her back. She stabs the bird to get it to land and throws Hercules the sword. He uses a rock to reflect the sword to the chains so neither dies, and then catches Xena so she doesn’t fall to her death.
Below fire returns and Iolaus gets better and happiness abounds. Afterwards Gabrielle plays nurse and snags a smooch from Iolaus. She then hints that she thinks he’s her soulmate. Oh Gabrielle dude is taken by tall leather pants Sorbo. Doesn’t stop him from kissing her.
Hercules and Xena say goodbye and we’re left to think they’re like tortured lovers who must take separate paths to redemption and stuff before they can be together.
It ends with the dudes watching the ladies go and pondering soulmates.

How This Episode Makes Historians Weep
Okay, this has irritated me since the first Hercules tv movie. Hercules was the Roman spelling of the hero’s name and used in conjunction with the Roman gods. As this show is about Greece and largely uses Greek terms for stuff his name should be Heracles.
But that’s not the most egregious crime of the hour. No that belongs to the story of Prometheus. Prometheus was kind of a smart ass and tricked Zeus into demanding the fat and bones of animals as a sacrifice rather then the delicious meat. Pissed Zeus took fire away from man. Prometheus felt sorry for man and returned fire to them. Now super pissed Zeus chained Prometheus up and sent an eagle to eat Prometheus’s liver each day. Because Prometheus was a titan and thus immortal his liver grew back each night. Years later Heracles frees Prometheus who went off, presumably to screw up even more of the world on accident. Oh and Prometheus created Pandora. So in the Xena-Hercules timeline he got away with giving fire to man for more then forty years. Took Zeus (or in this case Hera) a while.
Oh and the soulmates story was in fact a story from one of Plato’s works. He was most definitely NOT a contemporary of the characters on the show.
As for Xena’s amazing tracheotomy? Actually kind of possible! The Egyptians were doing crude versions of a tracheotomy as early as 3600 BCE!

Superhuman Feats

• Hercules kind of stole the show this week what with being a demigod and all.
• But Xena rode a giant bird.
• Xena also fell from a huge height and was fine.
• She also held her own against a demigod who’s been established as the strongest mortal on earth.
• Xena gets smacked into a cliff. This should kill a normal person, but she doesn't even get scratched!
• Xena does magic Splinter Cell splits.

Where It Stands in the Series
If you think Iolaus and Hercules will appear again as the star-crossed lovers of Gabrielle and Xena then think again.
What’s really important in this episode is what’s established for Gabrielle. She no longer wants to be a warrior like Xena. She in fact makes it official that her main desire is to be a bard. It will be the role she takes on for the rest of the series. There’s also her reaction to seeing Iolaus. He’s a normal guy stuck in the company of a demigod, much like she’s a normal girl stuck in the company of a famous ex-warlord. Seeing how he effortlessly lives in Hercules’s shadow and is still a part of the team capable of holding his own in a fight will push Gabrielle towards wanting to do the same. I think it’s even mentioned in one of the next episodes.

Rating **
Look I want to give it more. I really do, but continuity wise it’s nearly a wash as most of the episode is spent building romances that go nowhere, and as much as I love the terrible CGI and hilarious green dudes it tights they’re still pretty dumb.
It was nice seeing Sorbo and Hurst. And remember Hurst. He’ll actually go on to appear in more episodes as a variety of characters. He’ll also work behind the scenes and direct some of the best and prettiest episodes of the show. Solid talent that dude is.

Coming Soon
Episode 9, Death In Chains
Pretty self explanatory. Xena takes on Death herself...and some old king.

Season 1, Episode 9 Death in Chains

I know right? I desperately want a picture of Xena riding Gabrielle...or Hercules's constipation/laughing face. I spent way too much time today send bit of the movie to friends. It's so universal. Even folks who never watched the show can be brought to tears by the movie.


Summary
Once upon a time there was a king named Sisyphus. Knowing that he would one day die he set a trap for Death herself. He failed to warn his soldiers about Death and a few died, but when she came to take his life he invited her to a meal and when she sat down the chair turned against her and captured her.
Elsewhere Gabrielle has a new outfit and Xena has a run in with warlord. It ends with his death, only he doesn’t stay dead.
TITLES. Seriously. We need to discuss Gabrielle’s outfit. That is just hideous.
Hades, upset over his sister’s capture, arrives via chariot and begs Xena to rescue his sibling. He also gives her a timeframe. If Death doesn’t get her flame back soon then death will cease to exist. It might sound good, but people who shouldn’t live with terrible injuries will be forced to spend eternity suffering. It becomes apparent to Xena and Gabrielle when they come across the victims of a rockside. Also there? A handsome young man who likes to tell stories. We’ll leave him to Gabrielle. This will be her…third boyfriend? Hello Telus. Coincidentally Telus was raised in the castle of Sisyphus and offers to come along as help.
The dead goon with the long name surprises Gabrielle, but before he can do her harm Xena shows up. Only her usual methods don’t work what with the goon now undead. So Xena traps him beneath a heavy branch.
It turns out the Sisyphus’s death wasn’t ordained by the Fates but by Zeus, who in a fit of rage sent Death to claim his life.
Toxius, oh he of the difficult to spell/pronounce name, escapes the branch and goes to reclaim his army. He chooses an interesting technique for recruitment. He kills all of the men and tells them to join him or die. That’s a new way of using that ultimatum.
Once again Gabrielle has a boyfriend. So Xena sends her away and goes off to free Death alone. After eight episodes you think she would have learned by now.
We get a flash of Xena rear as she uses some poles to break into Sisyphus’s castle. It’s easy and Sisyphus, rather then being scared, is excited by Xena’s appearance.
Uh oh. Gabrielle’s boyfriend isn’t looking well. On the other side of the hospital they arrived at Gabrielle is comforting a zombie. The zombie is horrified by her existence and Gabrielle and the audience are too. The zombie then gives Gabrielle some critical information. As we already know, to touch Death means to die. Gabrielle and her boyfriend rush off to warn Xena.
Xena and Sisyphus finally meet and each tries to convince the other of their own desires. Sisyphus is some kind of brilliant magician on his home turf and Xena is a kick ass warrior. This should be interesting. Nevermind. Xena falls into a pit.
Outside the castle Gabrielle and Telus use an escape tunnel to break inside. A big portion of the undead army uses the same tunnel. Aw, Gabrielle and her boyfriend have a little bit of chemistry and think alike. Too bad neither can fight. They get separated and Telus meets up with Xena. He and Xena escape through a very luminescent sewer. Gabrielle hides from the undead behind a curtain with a rat. The rat is so noisy it nearly gives Gabrielle away. Instead it gets squished and becomes an undead rat. Gross.
Xena has her own run in with some rats in the sewer. Someone call Sisyphus an exterminator already.
They get out of the sewer but Telus isn’t doing well. Xena guesses he’s dying…or would be. Xena is now a little sad because she knows Gabrielle really likes Telus. Aw. Sisyphus’s wife sees their exchange and is convinced that Xena is right. I want to like her but that wig is awful, but the woman is good peeps. She sets off a trap to bring out her husband. Xena and Telus once more try to talk Sisyphus out of his action. Telus is pretty good at it. Sisyphus may be a bad housekeeper but he’s a good king and agrees to free Death.
But Toxius shows up with Gabrielle hostage. Xena fights the zombie army while Sisyphus tries to free Death. Toxius gets in the way, but a quick toss of the chakram and all is right with the world. Death takes out the entire zombie army and then turns to claim Sisyphus and Telus.
Only she just wants Telus. Gabrielle is horrified. It’s a little sad. I’m PMSing so it’s like the end of Grave of the Fireflies. Unlike the zombies Death actually gets her psychopomp on and escorts Telus to the afterlife body and all. Gabrielle, in tears, hugs Xena who doesn’t know how to react to that.

How this episode makes historians weep
Sisyphus is known to most people as the king who is doomed to spend eternity rolling the same boulder up the same hill. As in the tv show he’s extraordinarily crafty, unlike the tv show he’s also pretty horrible. He did chain up Death once but it was Ares, irritated over his wars being worthless, who freed Death. He also broke out of the underworld by tricking Persephone. After that Hades set him to his task.
In Greek mythology Death is usually a dude known as Thanatos and is the twin of Sleep. He’s Hades very distant cousin rather then his sibling.
Hades was kind of the hermit of the Olympians and almost never left the Underworld (exceptions for when he raped Persephone).

Superhuman Feats

• Out of everyone on earth Hades came to Xena to free Death.
• She falls from a tremendous height with out being hurt.
• She tosses her chakram and manages to stop the bad guy and break the chains that hold death with one throw.

Where it stands in the series
This is the first meeting of Hades and Xena. By the end of the series they’ll know each other pretty well.
This is also the introduction of Death. Though she doesn’t appear in person very often she’s a pretty important character/theme for the show.
But this episode is really big for Gabrielle. She’s already changed a bit from the pilot. She’s showing off some skin (you will be quite familiar with her navel by show’s end) and being a little smarter in her efforts to help Xena. She also has her first real brush with death and the unfairness of it all. And then there’s the hug between Xena and Gabrielle at the end of the episode. It’s a nice little moment for Lawless and for the character she plays.

Rating ****
This is such a fun episode. The boyfriend of the week is actually kind of interesting and charismatic. The villain isn’t outright evil (if you count Sisyphus as the villain) and there’s a little bit of a morally gray area despite the efforts they take to show us how awful a world without death is. Lucy Lawless has also improved. She’s leaps and bounds better then in the first episode. She’s still got a ways to go but you no longer had a desire to cringe.
There’s also an entire army of sentient zombies!
And this seems like the first time the show really embraces the mythology aspect of the setting. A man tricks Death and chains her up. There’s something so classic about it, and more importantly, about the execution of the story. The last two episodes were also tied to mythology, but this is the first episode that feels like it might have actually come from Edith Hamilton’s typewriter.

Coming Soon
Episode 10, Hooves and Harlots.
Xena meet the Amazons and the Centaur. Gabrielle, get ready to learn how to fight.

Season 1, Episode 10 Hooves and Harlots

I can feel myself slowly being sucked into the show. Soon I’ll go back and start think Cradle of Hope is a really good episode of a brilliant show. This is a dangerous course folks. But whatever. Let’s get this party STARTED.

Summary
Ladies and gentlemen we are not in Greece anymore. We’re in Amazon country! Gabrielle is back to her farm girl outfit but she’s got a new walking stick. Xena turns on some whoosh sound effects and makes the staff look more awesome then it is. No sooner are they in Amazon country then they’re meeting some Amazons. These aren’t traditional Amazons. Instead of one boobs they each have two glorious bosoms. Serious look at that cleavage. It’s hypnotic. Ephiny and her BFF/leader are guiding Xena and Gabrielle to the Amazon camp and the queen when arrows fly out of the sky and kill the BFF/leader. As she bonded with Gabrielle and Gabrielle shielded the woman’s body with her own the woman naturally gives her her right of caste and promptly dies.
TITLES. Seriously. Look at that cleavage and the masks covered in colored hay. Love it.
Okay who loves the Amazons? They all dance in little bikinis and fight all the time. Also killer drum beats. The queen, Melosa, is first seen kicking some ass and wearing the best mask. When she sees the dead woman she’s sad because the woman was her sister and heir. This means Gabrielle is now her sister and heir. Oh and because Gabrielle is now a Amazon princess she may be stuck dealing with the war brewing between the Amazons and the centaurs who allegedly killed the last princess. I love how it isn’t enough for Amazons to hate men, they have to hate horse men too.
Xena knows the centaurs. She fought them and lost. Xena is thinking bringing peace to the two factions and doesn’t have time to learn about Gabrielle’s right of caste. Instead she’s interviewing a centaur who confuses her with an Amazon. There appears to be some genuine racism going down here.
Elsewhere Melosa is speaking with a dude with a face tattoo. Someone forgot to tell him that face tats only look good on video game characters. Xena walks in on the conversation and tries to convince Melosa to stay peaceful. Melosa doesn’t want a war but she wants to kill the centaur she has. Then they talk about the battle Xena fought against the centaurs. It was the battle of Corinth. If you’re in this show for the long haul remember that battle!
Xena runs into some centaurs. She only fights one for budgetary reasons. Their leader remembers her from Corinth. She helps heal the centaur she fought with some surgery. Xena just practiced chest surgery on a centaur in the middle of the forest.
Back in Amazon land Gabrielle is in something that fits a little better and learning about fighting from Epiphany.
In centaur land we find that the centaurs aren’t trying to start a war. Xena is pretty certain that someone is orchestrating this war and playing both sides like puppets. Two guesses as to who!
Gabrielle is not amazing with the staff, so Ephiny tries to make her feel better by showing her how to kill a centaur with her ancestral staff. It involves a horse and a watermelon. Afterwards she confronts the centaur on death row. There’s a lot of tension/passion between the two. Do I smell a love/hate relationship brewing!
Xena’s skulking about. Suddenly she takes to the trees and randomly starts a fight with Ephiny. Xena gets bored with the fight and cuts a branch to send Ephiny to the ground where she nearly falls under the sword of a random centaur. Xena intervenes and the two women head back to the trees like two acrobats.
Xena is convinced the dude with the face tat is starting the war and she shows Ephiny the evidence.
MUSICAL INTERLUDE WITH GABRIELLE AND THE AMAZONS. Gabrielle is officially made an Amazon and a princess. All she has to do? Kill the centaur Ephiny has a developing crush on.
Xena and Ephiny team up to find more prove that Face Tat is starting a war. I want to be involved in this plot line but Ephiny’s vertical smile is distracting. There are some maps and arrows and stuff. Oh and I think Face Tat hates women.
The next morning Gabrielle does not look excited about killing the centaur. Man the Amazons have a lot of Maori women in their tribe. Xena shows up in the nick of time with proof. Melosa doesn’t care. Xena tries to challenge Melosa but she’s not a royal Amazon. So Gabrielle makes the challenge—it is a fight to the death—she’s not excited. Ephiny’s all “DUR CHOOSE XENA.” So she does.
They fight with chobos. What the hell are chobos? I don’t know but they have a nice rhythm! Xena wins. Gabrielle is now queen? Melosa surrenders so she doesn’t have to leave Gabrielle in charge. The centaurs show up and trot in place. Is Xena wearing a BumpIt? Whatever she takes charge. I am so confused by Amazon customs. Centaurs and Amazons are now friends. They team up to take out Face Tat.
The young centaur makes a pass at Ephiny. If you ever dress up as a centaur for Halloween PLEASE say “Amazon want to go for a ride?” to some woman. PLEASE. The Amazon/centaur forces look hilarious in a charge. Now that Gabrielle has a staff she’s way less annoying and also kind of awesome? O’Connor almost looks like she knows how to fight!
There are some one on one fights. Melosa and Xena win and bad guys get arrested. Afterwards Melosa gets a hilarious crown. WW get to recapping costumes ASAP.
The most important question of the entire show is posed: does an Amazon queen trump a warrior princess?

How this episode makes historians cringe
Look I could get into everything that’s wrong with the Amazons but why should I? It’s much simpler to just say that the Amazons of Xena are their own thing and completely outside of the ones known from myths/history. The only similarities between the two is their tendency to hate men and live apart from society. That’s IT.

Superhuman Feats

• She’s not an Amazon but she knows all their secrets. Is Xena psychic?
• She takes on Ephiny in the trees and wins.
• She performs thoracic surgery on a centaur with nothing but an old knife and her hands.

Where it stands in the series
Oh thank you heavens. Gabrielle now has a staff. It’s a huge thing. It’s how people remember the character and, more importantly, it takes her from useless sidekick to useful sidekick. It’s the biggest step so far on her journey to being Xena’s partner (in fights!).
This is also the introduction to the Amazons. Do not—I repeat—do NOT try to make sense of the rules of the Amazon world. You won’t be able to. They’ll become a pretty significant part of the show’s mythos and a huge part of Gabrielle’s character so get used to them. This shouldn’t be hard as they can’t go five minutes without dancing half naked and chanting.
This is also the introduction of Ephiny. She’s one of my favorite characters on any show ever despite being such a minor character. There’s something just awesome about the character and she’ll only get more awesome as the show progresses.

Rating ****
I know. This episode was so straight forward and lacking of subtlety that you’re surprised by the score. Whatever. Amazons dancing dudes. Amazons dancing. More cleavage then a Victoria Secrets fashion show and some decent fights.
And centaurs! Centaurs that look infinitely better then anything seen in a Harry Potter film. The one or two composite shots we see of a centaur full screen are kind of great and the clever camera work and excellent costumes/practical FX makes them pretty believable. But centaurs are still in that wonky place where even the best CGI will still make them look unnatural.
But really this episode gets four out of five chakrams because Gabrielle got her staff and will no longer be as annoying.

Coming Soon
Episode 11, The Black Wolf
Xena and Gabrielle run into a character from Hercules and deals with good intentioned terrorists. Gabrielle makes a terrible hat.

Episode 11, The Black Wolf

So I can take a break from Xena and folks can catch up I'm thinking I'll take off recapping episodes on the weekends. Sound good? That's five episodes a week, or a really long marathon on the couch Sunday night. This week only I'll take off Friday as well. Tomorrow will be the last recap of the week this week.

Summary
Tea baggers. They’re everywhere. I bet this episode is an anthem for them. NINJAS. Pale white NINJAS. They leave a coin as a calling card. They’re from the Black Wolf. It doesn’t go as well as they hoped. Xerxes demands the Black Wolf so they get their Spartacus on and are all arrested.
Xena’s riding along all by her lonesome. Is Gabrielle in a ditch somewhere? What’s going on. Argo nearly throws a shoe and Xena walks her horse to Xerxes’s castle. Xena sees some guards mishandling a concerned woman. She immediately kicks their asses. Doesn’t even try to understand the situation. Just head in and start kicking and punching. The concerned woman? Hermia. She recognizes Xena. They’re friends from before Xena was evil. Her daughter is in the jail so Xena opts to go in after her.
TITLES. If the Tea Baggers renamed themselves the Black Wolves I would totally sign up.
Xerxes is so maAaaAd. He wants to have a show and execute the Black Wolf for Zeus’s feast day. For Christmas I gorged on caramels. Maybe he should try that instead. Xena walks in and tells him he’s crazy to kill one dude. Has he never heard of martyrdom? Or Spartacus? Idiot. Xena tells him she’ll help find the Black Wolf for money and boots. Oh Xena’s pretending to be evil. She looks like she just let loose and SBD.
Xerxes’s guard has a dude on the inside but doesn’t mention it because having Xena and his own dude is better? And more expensive? Idiot. The next day Xena bends his wrists back and thoroughly schools him. She’s way too amused by her con, and maybe I am too. Finally she gets bored and let’s herself be arrested.
Oh THERE’S Gabrielle. She shows up late and sees the Argo but no Xena. She pays for Argo’s work and finds out Xena has been arrested. The only way in to see Xena is by being arrested.
This much lauded dungeon? AWFUL. There’s a crazy dude with a rock that Xena hates and everyone just mills about this one giant room. If this prison were in America there’d be a lot more rape going on. The Black Wolf has carved himself out a little corner of the dungeon
Guys, Xena has “many skills.” It must be the sleep deprivation because that was hilarious. Hermia’s daughter won’t leave the dungeon without her “pack.” Damn.
Gabrielle has a new hat. She tries to get arrested but is interrupted by Salmoneous. He’s a supporting character from Hercules. I really haven’t missed him at all. Gabrielle accidentally frames him. This would be great but he gets sent to the dungeon with Xena. SIGH.
In the dungeon there’s a pit where they store prop skeletons, and now Xena. It also appears to be a pool? Oooh Xerxes’s guard wanted Xena in the dungeon so he could kill her. Most elaborate assassination plot EVER. She uses a bone to break out and allows it to look like she lost. Then she sees Salmoneous. All the killing she does and HE gets a pass? They recognize each other because Salmoneous knows EVERYONE.
The Black Wolf was building a crummy tunnel and Xena rips into them for their stupidity. They suspect she was captured on purpose and has struck a deal with Xerxes. She’s all “duh I’m too awesome to do otherwise.”
Salmoneous is tasked with taking big burly dudes’ belts. There’s a joke in there. Xena also has dudes knitting. Xena checks out the girl she was sent to rescue. They have a heart to heart. More port! Side note: Xena was an asshole as a kid.
Heart to heart done Salmoneous shows up with more in jokes that only work if you watch Hercules. My knowledge of him is like fifteen years old so I’m ready for his to escape and go far far away.
They start their escape. It hinges on the dungeon being very poorly designed. A fight ensues. They win. Xena is worried. And she should be. They get to the surface and find themselves facing down an army of archers. To the dungeons!
Xerxes’s guard is all “Dude she’s not helping us,” and Xena’s all “give me time. You ruined my awesome moves!” Xerxes doesn’t care. He sides with Xena.
In the dungeon the guards lay out an ultimatum: give them the Black Wolf or they all die. Xena comes back and has to re-convince them that she’s on their side. There’s another fight. There’s some nice drum beats. We have to look at Salmoneous being worried. Xena kicks a rock like a soccer ball. Xena wins! Now they can worry about finding the REAL traitor.
Back to Gabrielle. She has a bowl of queso and is still wearing that awful hat. She uses the queso to get arrested and is all happy to see Xena. She has smuggled in some weapons. Salmoneous actually has a funny moment with Xena and Gabrielle. DAMN IT.
More heart to hearts with Xena’s old childhood friend or whatever she is. They talk about boys. There went the Bechdel test! Oh and Xena knows who the Black Wolf is. As it’s obvious as hell I won’t say a word.
Gabrielle, please, stop talking with your hands. She and Salmoneous loudly discuss a terrible plan to out the traitor. It was crazy rock dude! I would have put money on big bald dude.
Their time is up. No one’s outed the Black Wolf so the guards step up their game. Salmoneous isn’t a Black Wolf so they’ll kill him to out the Black Wolf. Naturally Salmoneous just claims to be the Black Wolf so he’ll survive. Idiot. We listen to his brutal torture/murder, before we get to the really good part Xena saves his with words by outing the Black Wolf. She points her finger at the childhood companion. This gets them both out of the dungeon. Xena continues conning Xerxes and leaves Gabrielle to convince the REAL Black Wolf that Xena’s really on their side. She just tells him that Xena knows the girlfriend lady.
They’re taken outside. Gabrielle is STILL wearing her chakram hat. Black Wolf lady got a change of clothes for her execution. Before she can have her head chopped off Gabrielle throws her hat at Xena who throws it at the axe. It breaks the axe and then frees ALL the prisoners. Teach Xerxes to make prisoners watch!
A fight ensues.
Lady friend was the Black Wolf. SURPRISE. All is well!

How this episode makes historians weep
I’m 99.9% sure this Xerxes wasn’t meant to be THE Xerxes so the historical inaccuracies are limited to the usual costumes and props and sets.

Superhuman Feats

• Xena kicks a rock like a soccer ball.
• Xena uses her chakram as a deus ex machina.
• Xena does the kind of acrobatics you and I can only dream of during a fight.
• Xena twirls a dude like their in pairs figure skating and then fling’s his ass across a courtyard.
• Xena lets Salmoneous survive.

Where it stands in the series
This is the first, but not the last episode featuring Salmoneous. Sorry guys. As in his next appearance his vaudevillian antics nearly ruin the episode. Although it’s more tonally balanced then his next episode.
Gabrielle actually helps! She and Xena are starting to work together more. Look at that trust. Xena’s arrested? Must be on purpose.

Rating **
Salmoneous takes a decent episode and makes me stabby. Seriously he such a terrible fit for the show. It’s like when they try to bring some later Xena characters into Hercules. Seems like a good idea but it’s really a terrible one.
The plot is very straight forward but I like that idea of a Xena con. It’ll be a pretty common plot device as the series proceeds and I for one am all for it. Heist/con set ups are always fun.

Coming Soon
Episode 12, Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts
So remember that mention of the Trojan War waaaay back in the second episode? Now we get to see it! Also Gabrielle gets another boyfriend.

I'm nearly positive this is the first incident of the "many skills" line. It may also be the best delivery of the line. It starts to get overused later on in the show. Here it's just perfect.

And I love the whoosh sound effects too! A little dabbling on the internets show that a huge Xena fan site from the 90s was named for the sound effect. Aw.

But having watched Xena right after I did a partial rewatch of Buffy I suspect that I prefer the fights in Xena because of the sound design. Both shows feature some fun fights with talented stunt doubles, but the sound design gives Xena a definitive edge.

Episode 12, Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts

Oh man. We are exactly halfway through the first season! Good fun! As the videos for LGBT teens say, "It gets better!" Seriously stick it through the next few and you'll coast until season 5.

Summary
A bed. A lady sleeping. Her boobs look like the top of two cupcakes. A fellow with a nice sword barges in, presumably to rape Cupcake Boobies. He slaughters quite a few guards. Things speed up. Cupcake Boobies wakes up! Her books look normal now and we find that she’s Helen of Troy and sleeping in bed with Paris. So far this interpretation is 90% better then TROY. She sends a fellow, Diomedes, off with a message for Xena.
On the road Xena and Gabrielle need supplies, but Xena won’t stop at the closest town—Troy. Gabrielle, her latent lesbianism showing, really wants to go so she can see Helen. They run into a guy fighting a bunch of other guys. The one guy gets stabbed and the other guys attack Xena. Gabrielle doesn’t fight but she looks really scary like with her staff. Aw she and Xena team up to take out a dude and now Gabrielle’s fighting. A first! The bad guys are suitably terrified and run away.
The dying guy is not Diomedes but Latietes. He dies. Xena knew Helen in Sparta. It’s the Xena Road Show! Next stop? TROY.
TITLES. If Brad Pitt has ever appeared in Xena or Xena in Troy both would have been better for it.
Ten years of war has left Troy full of bodies on wheels. Gross guys. Bury that shit. Gabrielle, despite the rotting corpses, is impressed. Gabrielle is hoping Xena has a plan. She does. They just start running. A lot of Greeks get punched and killed while they do it. Good to know they’ve taken a side in all this…
Oh man it’s Perdicus. He recognizes Gabrielle and demands the gates be opened. I imaged searched him to show how he’s gotten shorter and more handsome since the pilot but came up with this instead.

Perdicus throws on a terrible helmet and gets the gates open in time for Xena and Gabrielle to get in side. Best part of this fight? When the gates open and Gabrielle’s just twirling her staff slowly for NO REASON.
Gabrielle recognizes Perdicus, her BETROTHED, and is all “dang you look better since I dumped you!” He’s all like, “Sniff, yeah I know. I’m awesome now.”
Menelaus is so old and dumb looking and he’s talking to a guy in a cloak.
Xena goes to chat with Paris and Helen and leaves Gabrielle to have that awkward ex conversation, but Perdicus is doing that thing where he wants to look cool for his ex and runs off to talk with Paris’s brother. The guy is mad he let a Greek in. Um…isn’t Perdicus also Greek?
Helen and Xena are so happy to see each other. They hug and mention the dead messenger. Why must EVERYONE pronounce his name differently? Helen and Xena discuss the situation. Um, methinks this is not a very close reading of the Iliad. Daephebus, Paris’s brother, barges in and takes them to see Paris.
Gabrielle and Perdicus get their heart to heart. I don’t like Perdicus very much so I checked my email instead.
A dude Xena cut walks in and they fight. Daephebus kills him and calls him a traitor. Xena suspects something.
Gabrielle has decided she will talk Perdicus out of fighting. It’s funny because she’s chosen the same life but he is totally accepting of it. He then kills a dude and she’s all “I don’t recognize you anymore” but in a good way.
Xena catches Helen trying to escape. They’re trying really heard to turn her into an independent lady. They see Daephebus about and Xena follows him to the Greek camp where she sees him in cahoots with Menelaus. Traitor! When confronted he says he was trying to make peace. Before we can believe him the Trojan horse rolls in and Paris orders Xena’s arrest.
So why was the Trojan horse in Troy such a big deal? This one is just as awesome and big. Guys a film is getting out done by XENA. Speaking of, she watches the horse from her prison cell. Afterwards everyone gets drunk. Daephebus comes in to gloat to Xena. Xena, smarter then the entire Trojan army, has figured out the plot, but not Daephebus’s motivation. He answers by unleashing some burly Greeks on her.
SEXY WATERY INTERLUDE. There are candles and milk and rose petals. Paris has no time for Helen’s concern.
Xena fights some Greeks with a seesaw and then escapes.
Post-Horse party Gabrielle and Perdicus bond a little more. I threw up.
The horse opens up, the Greeks open the gates and let in the entire Greek army. The sacking of Troy commences. Unintentionally hilarious the entire time, especially Gabrielle with her twirling. Gabrielle and Perdicus escort people to the Temple of Aphrodite. Some bad guys try to take Helen but Xena stops them and gets Helen to the temple. Paris realizes he misjudged Xena. They always do. Helen is so pissed about it. I see a divorce in someone’s future. Menelaus demands that Troy be burned to the ground and the Temple broken into.
Gabrielle kisses Perdicus. Laaaame. Where’s that dude with the heart condition? He was more awesome.
Xena sorts out a plan and Helen ends things with Paris. Daephebus busts in and murders Paris so he can rape Helen. She says “why” like Nancy Kerrigan.
Xena creates a giant smokescreen and they all escape IN THE HORSE. The image of Xena popping out of it will delight me for years. She chakrams like the entire Greek army and races off to save Helen from Daephebus. They fight. Xena wins.
Perdicus breaks up with Gabrielle. For a virgin this girl has really gotten around this season. Helen decides to disappear into obscurity and Perdicus decides to go with her. Insert joke about her honey pot.

How this Episode Makes Historians Weep
I can’t get too upset about the mistreatment of this particular myth. Myths, and especially the ones around the Trojan war, are mutable. The Trojan War has been used as a way to examine more then one socio-political issue through the ages. I like the attempt to emancipate Helen’s vagina. For the past few centuries she’s been depicted as a frigid femme fatale. This starts the same way (she willingly fled Sparta), but twists it on it’s ear. This Helen shows regret for what she’s done and is eager to make her own amends. It’s a nice parallel to Xena. What I really, really, REALLY hate is the 20th-21st century tendency to turn Menelaus into a dirty old man. It works in this instance, but I’ve always been fond of the anti-war version Euripides did where Helen and Menelaus were madly in love. More of that modern writers!

Superhuman Feats

• Did you see the bit where she FLEW out of a wooden horse?
• Or how about her ability to figure out the plot way in advance?
• She chakramed the ENTIRE GREEK ARMY.

Where it stands in the series
This is the second instance where the Trojan War is mentioned and the first time we see one of Leta’s two sets of twins.
This is also the second time we’ve seen Perdicus. He’s been recast since the pilot and is kinder, gentler, and better looking. He’s also a warrior, and his eagerness to kill will be revisited later.

Rating **
The episode FEELS small. They’re talking about big things and huge palaces but it feels like an early Xena set. The only good part is the Trojan Horse. I suspect that’s where the entire episode’s budget went, because there’s not an ounce of CGI on that thing and it’s pretty dang huge.
Helen and Paris aren’t very engaging or as pretty as you’d expect them to be. Perdicus is a big ol’ wet blanket and Menelaus has a very tiny, very broad role. Also as hilarious as Daephebus’s motivation is (my entire city for some pootang!) the character is predictable and dull.
But the real problem is the ham fisted way they tried to update Helen for the modern age. It fails terribly. Maybe it would have worked with a more charismatic actress, but I really doubt it. Boo and hiss people. Boo and hiss.
And seriously, what was up with the names this episode? Everyone had a different pronunciation of some of the names. Trying to spell them became such a chore I made my own spellings up!

Coming Soon
Episode 13, Athens City Academy of the Performing Arts
We’re back Monday with a clip show! Only thirteen episodes in! I blame that Hercules crossover with the cgi. Get ready for a Gabrielle centric episode full of more historical inaccuracies then you can shake a stick at!

Season 1, Episode 13, Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards

Hope everyone took the time to catch up on Xena rather then drink themselves silly!

Summary
Clip show time! Gabrielle is telling a story to a bar full of people with hilarious costumes. Check out the beard on the guy behind her. His beard is massive! I won’t bother pointing out which clip is from which episode because that requires lots of pausing to go back and check. But this is mainly from the episode where she punched Gabrielle. I notice that THAT part is missing. Hmmmmm.
Everyone is blown away by her story and gives her money. One kind of good looking dude with very blond hair is impressed and tells her about a competition. His dad shows up. His dad’s accent is OUT OF CONTROL. WHERE IS HE FROOOOM?! He smack talks Gabrielle’s lineage and gender and leaves. Xena comes rushing in all excited about a one-eyed monster. Naturally she thinks Gabrielle will be interested. Nope. Gabrielle has her sights on ATHENS.
Titles. This is the first time I noticed the sound of fire during parts of the title sequence. Flame on Xena.
Gabrielle’s recent talk of becoming a bard has come to a head. She wants to go to Athens and kick ass and be awesome. Xena is going to miss her and offers to go with her. Then Xena tells a really shitty story. We now know who is NOT a bard. But basically it’s about how the two of them are like family. PLATONIC family.
Some dude is stutttering and trying to tell a story to the dreamy guy from earlier. Gabrielle waltz’s in and is all whatever. They scope out the competition. It includes Euripides and Stallonus. Dreamy guy won’t give us his name and instead wants to be called Draco. So Gabrielle busts out her computer to show him a clip from the pilot. I’d be annoyed but I do love that battle on peoples’ heads. Back in the real world everyone is waaaay impressed with her story. Gabrielle bestows the name Orion on him.
I don’t know what I like more. Euripides’s hair, the way he pronounces his name, or his style of speaking. Gabrielle cons her way into the competition and then we begin with the competition. I think that dude that bumped in to her did something. Oh no he was PLANNING to do something. He charges forward and stabs the speaker then leaps out a window. But don’t fret! It was actually a lesson about storytelling. Before he can get into his lesson Gabrielle starts in on another clip. Once more we have to check out Sisyphus’s wife’s bad wig. Also we get to see Xena’s awkward face when Gabrielle goes into a hug. People are all kind of impressed, but primarily with Gabrielle’s hands. If I were a director I’d tape those bitches DOWN.
Orion gives he pick up line of the show “Gabrielle, can we later talk about storytelling?”
Elsewhere Stallonus is telling a bit from an Italian version of Hercules. Gabrielle and her new gang critique him. Guys, this guy talks with his hands more then Gabrielle! Euripides starts in on telling the story of when Xena seduced Iolaus. Yea. Now we don’t have to go and watch that episode! Gabrielle says nothing. Stallonus recounts a fight scene from the same sequence. Woah Xena’s breastplate! Finally Gabrielle starts in on the story of Xena’s redemption. Also from the series of Hercules episodes! This just makes me miss Dark Xena or whatever they call her. The story finishes and even more people have shown up and are impressed by Gabrielle. Yes, she’s better then EURIPIDES.
The next day Orion is telling Gabrielle a story and she’s unimpressed. Heart to heart!
Gabrielle gets found out. Orion’s dad totally ratted on her! Jerk! She gets kicked out of the competition. Everyone is totally sad about it because they all love Gabrielle SO MUCH. Me. I’d be thrilled she was gone. Less competition. Stupid noble old Greek storytellers. This gives Gabrielle a chance to remind everyone of a story we’d hoped would never be mentioned again. She then talks about her love for Iolaus. I’m upset because in a previous recap I said it wouldn’t be mentioned again. I was wrong.
The other dudes all ask her to stay through to the next day of the competition. She can’t compete but she stays to watch. The stutterer gets up to speak, but he then announces that no one will compete unless Gabrielle competes. Oh artists. They’re more worried about art then their own butts. The guest judge is curious and asks her to perform. She does. He is so impressed he demands (via the magic of ADR) that Gabrielle be allowed to perform.
Orion performs. His dad goes stage dad crazy, like Barbara Hershey would be nodding her head in approval. He blows up and leaves. Somewhere Natalie Portman is disappointed. She wanted to see more blood.
More Stallonus and his awesome 50s pulp films. Orion’s dad walks in and tells Gabrielle that Orion’s left. What’s funny is he calls the kid Orion…so they all use that name now? Gabrielle races off to catch up with Orion. HEART TO HEART. He comes back and he’s ready to do things his way.
Gabrielle, mining her adventures with Xena tells the story of her first meeting with Xena. She downplays how stalkerish she was in that episode. SO MUCH ADR. It’s like watching a dub or something. I wonder if it was all originally done in Kiwi? Also, according to Gabrielle they learned all of life’s mysteries in three episodes. Chica I beg to differ.
Orion goes out to tell his story. He closes his eyes while telling it. Somewhere Kubrick is PISSED…or amused. Now I want to watch Spartacus. Thankfully, Kubrick beats out the people who write Xena and Orion wins. Also we learn that Orion’s real name is Homer. Oooooooh.
Gabrielle races to find Xena. We find out Gabrielle won, but she didn’t want to stay. She likes fighting ugly dudes more then living in Athens.

How this episode makes historians weep
WHERE TO BEGIN? Homer and Euripides? Not contemporaries. In fact, so little is known about Homer that people have actually made good cases for him being a woman! But it kind of makes sense to have him alive during the Trojan War (which was the last episode).
Euripides though. He’s a part of the historical record. He has a definitive date of birth and death, neither of which occurred during the Trojan War. Also, and more importantly, this paints Euripides as using a style of speech to refined for the common man. Not true at ALL. He was known for telling tales that anyone could appreciate. The best modern translations reflect that. This guy was all about the little people and the slaves and the women, and that was pretty unusual at the time. Seeing him painted this way makes me sad.

Superhuman Feats
NONE. Xena was out for a bit.

Where it stands in the series
It was a clip show so it would be okay to call it worthless, but it definitely went to great lengths to legitimize Gabrielle as a bard. It’s the identity she’ll cling to through the rest of the show.

Rating *
Clip shows exist for three reasons. Time, budget, or laziness. This show usually had to do it for the former two and that makes sense with all the fight scenes the show has. So I won’t get too annoyed by it. What I do love is how this show really embraces it’s clip shows and tries to do something fun and unique (the later Xena Scrolls is one of the best clip shows on any television show ever). I like the framing of the clips but I can still be irritated. We’re only 13 episodes in and resorting to clips? That earns you exactly one star people.

Disclaimer
The producers would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic 'Spartacus'. Additional thanks to Steve Reeves.

Coming Soon
Episode 14, A Fistful of Dinars.
I can remember nothing about this episode. So I’m going by the Netflix summary which tells us we’ll meet Petracles, Xena’s ex. I think maybe he’s boring? I’m really struggling here.

Season 1, Episode 14, A Fistful of Dinars

Summary
People in ancient Greece did not understand the concept of bathing which is funny because I always thought of them as being all perfumed and oiled. This guy running is only oily..and bloody. A big dude is about to kill him for “treasure” but Xena stops him. The guy realizes it’s Xena and runs away, she leaves Gabrielle to watch the dying guy. The fight is okay but I liked Xena’s laughing and screaming as she chased the guy much more. This is a VOCAL lady. So this is all about clues for a treasure? Another dirty due shows up and kills the guy Xena’s fighting and helps reveal all. Xena eats the final clue after reading it. She really enjoyed that and is excited about hunting for treasure.
The guy she left in Gabrielle’s care? Not so good. He died.
So the treasure? It’s the entire wealth of Sameria. Also there is ambrosia, the food of the gods, but only a few people know that. Xena wants to get the ambrosia to make sure the other cutthroats after the treasure don’t become gods.
TITLES. I still don’t remember this episode at ALL.
So Xena and Gabrielle are teaming up with Thersites the assassin and this other dude. He is, regrettably, Xena’s ex-fiance. His mullet is MIGHTY. Oh man is it mighty. He’s vaguely evil but I think he’s supposed to be sexy? Gabrielle? She’s all flirty with the dude when she interacts with him. This is after finding out he’s Xena’s ex. Oh Gabrielle don’t go riding someone else’s horse. It will just end up with you going to the rodeo with split pants.
Now there are four people going for the treasure. Xena, Gabrielle, and Mullet and Thersites. No idea where he is because I’m too busy watching Gabrielle and Mullet flirt. Xena now is the time to interact. Don’t let your ex just chat up your super naive best friend. Has she learned nothing?
Oh thank god. Xena ends things before Gabrielle can accidentally bet she’ll get engaged to Xena. It was coming and you and I both know it! Xena’s quite reasonable but Gabrielle turns into the teen we keep forgetting she’s supposed to be and flounces away.
Mullet and Xena flounce after her and they all meet up with Thersites. He threatens Gabrielle so Xena grabs his chin hears. A friend once did that to my brother. He still hates her for it. Some villagers with swords come up and wonder why Thersites forgot to kill someone. This guy has a crazy beard, but it doesn’t stop him from being murdered by Thersites. His buddies all run away. I can honestly say I thought there’d be an actual fight there.
Um Thersites. I don’t think shorthairs means what you think it means.
Some footage from the Trojan War episode is reused. Skeletons on wheels means SERIOUS BUSINESS. There are drums, fog and Mullet’s got his helmet on so I think we’re going to see some fightin’!
Nope. They’re off to cross a rickety bridge. The drum playing guys start shooting arrow. These arrows sound like X-Wings. Those are some fast arrows. Thersites spooks and forces Gabrielle to rush across the bridge, but their asses are too mighty for the bridge. It shatters under their weight. We bear witness to Gabrielle’s FIERCE forearms as she struggles to hold on why Thersites climbs over her.
Xena leaps the ENTIRE LENGTH of the bridge and helps Gabrielle up.
Later, around the camp fire, Xena schools Gabrielle on trust. Thersites, the assassin, is open and honest about his nastiness, Mullet, the warlord, is subtle. He’s more dangerous. Huh.
Xena then threatens Thersites. Aw. She cares, but Thersites realizes that Xena’s not after the treasure for greed. When she turns around she sees that Gabrielle’s disappeared.
She went to watch Mullet chop wood with a sword, and flirt. They talk about Xena. He clearly wants in Gabrielle’s pants. They kiss. Gabrielle has now kissed more guys then Xena on this show. She runs back to camp and finds Xena sharpening her sword. The tension is heavy and awkward. The Xena is not amused.
Later that night Xena sneaks up on Mullet and threatens him. He thinks Xena’s jealous. Doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t because Thersites heard EVERYTHING.
The next morning they have to break into a temple and steal a jewel. Gabrielle and Thersites go in covered in blankets. They pretend to pray and wait for a diversion. Soon enough Xena and Mullet start chucking spears at the temple. Gabrielle and Thersites take the opportunity to grab the gem, but they’re idiots and it also results in the destruction of the temple. Before they can be killed Xena and Mullet rescue them. They all run away happy and out of breath.
Suddenly everything starts shaking. A previously unmentioned volcano is about to erupt! Okay.
They run off and find some tiki statues. Then they exchange clues. I won’t go over the riddle. It’s BAD, but it ends with them sticking a jewel in the eye of one of the statues and waiting for sunrise. The sunrise creates a laser beam that they all follow to a cave blocked by rocks. A few good pushes and they’re inside. Another shake of the random volcano and the laser beam follows it. Then Mullet pulls a ring and they all plummet down a hole. Gabrielle pulls out some flint and lights a fire. The massive and glorious treasure is revealed. Thersites and Mullet are all about the money until Thersites accidentally finds the key that will reveal the ambrosia. He kidnaps Gabrielle and escapes.
There are two ways to the ambrosia. Thersites has the easy way in. Xena and Mullet have to use the deadly back entrance. This involves passing through a cave where a single sound could get them killed. All is well until Mullet crushes a skull with his foot. They then rush through the cave and right to the chamber with the ambrosia. That. Was. Easy.
They also get there before Thersites! He charges in with Gabrielle under his knife. Mullet valiantly rushes in to save Gabrielle and ends up getting stabbed. Xena and Thersites fight. Guess how that goes? Okay, I’ll admit, Xena is creative with that particular kill. She finishes just in time to go watch Mullet die. Among his things she finds her wedding bracelet. Aw, Mullet actually loved Xena once.
Because ambrosia is major over kill they throw it into that volcano so that no one can ever use it to be a good. Well done Xena and Gabrielle.

How this episode made historians weep
Thersites is a figure in the Trojan War saga. He’s incredibly unattractive and the guy who likes to start fights. Not too different from what we see here. Okay very different, but it’s a nice name choice.
Ambrosia is indeed the food of the gods. It’s one of the two substances gods willfully imbibe. Mortals use it to become immortal. The Xena mythos takes it a step further and actually has it turn mortals INTO gods. We later find out it can also bring the dead back to life. Sucks for mullet that they only find this out later.

Superhuman Feats

• Xena leaps over a canyon that took everyone else a few minutes to cross on foot.
• She survives passage through a cave she should have died in.
• She gets ahold of a substance that would make her an all-powerful god and doesn’t use it.

Where it stands in the series
I FINALLY remembered the episode! The fellow who plays Thersites plays a similar character in a later episode. It was throwing me off.
The romance mentioned in this episode is purely a one-off, but this episode does establish some of the rules of ambrosia. Ambrosia will become a very important plot device in a fun arc in season two and in a few episodes after that.
This is the first episode directed by Josh Becker. He’ll go on to direct quite a few of the comedy episodes of the show. He’s one of three or four repeat directors for the show and on that’s constantly referenced by the performers, producers and writers.

Rating ***
I actually liked this episode. It had a lot of potential that was squandered, but it still managed to be fun and give a glimmer of what the show has the potential to be.

Coming Soon
Episode 15, Warrior…Princess.
So begins the doppleganger episodes. Xena has to impersonate a princess. A princess has to impersonate Xena. Hopefully laughter ensues.

Woah nelly, the forums got swanky.

Thanks for the info Hammerhead. I knew he looked pretty familiar.

 

Season 1, Episode 15 Warrior...Princess

Summary

Xena races across the country side. Her destination? Unknown. Or not. She rides up to a castle with huge banners. The guards are surprised to see her and bow rather then attack. The guards inside also get all tense and respectful when she walks by. Xena is amused AND impressed. A handmaiden with some cleavage quickly moves to cover her. Um chica Xena’s not the one with a boob view port. The handmaiden goes to fetch the king. A bad guy takes the chance to try and assassinate Xena. She spits fire all over him and the king comes in. Rather then be horrified by the BBQ he’s more concerned with having someone pick up the assassin.

We find out that the king wants Xena to be a pre-historic Human Target. She’ll do her hair a little differently and become his daughter.

TITLES. I love how you know who Diana is because her hair is teased more.

Okay is Diana excited or “excited” to meet Xena? They look at each other with the wonder of technology that hasn’t improved since The Parent Trap. A VERY sad guard comes in and says the assassin got away. Guys, that guard was so bummed about it!

The king uses his crafty ways to convince Xena to help and pretend to be Diana. Xena agrees, but only if they send Diana to Gabrielle. Um. Xena maybe you should rethink that?

Xena pretends to be Diana. It’s amusing because Xena’s not good at being Diana.

They switch outfits and chat. Diana’s off screen and sounds NOTHING like Xena. She comes out all gussied up. I too felt Xena needed more chest ribbons. Xena’s way of getting Diana ready for the impersonation? Butch it up. 

Diana heads out all side saddle on Argos. Impressive!

Xena is in pink. Take a picture. It will never happen again…accept for in episodes featuring Diana. She thinks she’s found an assassin and knocks him out. Ooops, it was the guy Diana’s to marry. She wakes him up and tries to comfort him. He’s clearly an idiot because he doesn’t see through her awful acting. They go for a walk, he talks about Liberia. Somehow I don’t think it’s the Liberia we’re used to. Oh sorry, he’s not the fiance. He’s the BROTHER of the fiance, and he’s clearly in love with Diana.

Some ninjas attack. Xena has to fight without her escort realizing she’s fighting. Xena does some crazy jump kicks that show off her bloomers and the ninjas run away. She wants to give chase but her escort won’t let her.

ELSWHERE, Gabrielle is now all about being a bard. She’s trying to write a poem about Xena. A creepy dude tries to rob her. She sees Diana as Xena and is all “step off.” The guy attacks anyways.  Diana tries to help by hitting him like a ten year old. Gabrielle takes the opportunity to kick his ass when Diana suddenly turns tail and runs. Afterwards Diana is still acting like she’s ten and pulls a note out of her boobs for Gabrielle. Gabrielle doesn’t believe her. She finally convinces Gabrielle by crying.

Back in the castle Xena’s got her Dexter hat on and is examining blood spatters. She doesn’t know it but the escort is watching her. The handmaiden comes and gets her for dressing. It’s an epic affair. Xena and the King discuss things. The assassins definitely have help from the inside. Is it the escort? 

They head off for a banquet. I like that this show actually has a banquet theme. She meets the betrothed. He’s a wiener. After some more meet and greets they all sit down for a toast and dinner. Xena toasts the end of slavery, corruption and calls for the death of traitors. Aaaawkward.

Then everyone begs her to play the harp. Xena can sing a death dirge with the best of them but her harp skills leave much to be desired. She shreds every string on the harp with a stroke. Good job Xena! 

Elsewhere Diana has been brushing Argo’s tail for EONS. That’s a very patient horse. Gabrielle prepares camp. It involves building a fire and sleeping on the ground. Diana is aghast. Because Xena’s not there they’re also stuck eating cheese rather then hunting for food. They have a heart to heart. It’s still sunny out but Gabrielle decides to go to sleep…clutching a knife. Diana watch you back tonight.

Before they can go to sleep a dude shows up and stares. He begs for some food. Diana refuses to believe that starving people exist. Gabrielle then gives their only food to the creepy beggar. He’s delighted and calls out his beggar family. Diana is HORRIFIED. H-O-R-R-I-F-I-E-D.

Back at the castle the escort confronts Xena. Now they’re on the same page! Also he confesses to loving Diana. The toasty assassin from earlier tries to roast Xena again. She turns the tables on him. He want talk so she does the neck pinch thing. He quickly spills the beans. It was a general in the castle! Only he’s killed himself. If he was involved he won’t be talking now. The king assumes that that ends everything. Xena isn’t so sure, especially when the slimy ambassador is all slimy. She also tries to convince the escort to confess his love to Diana. 

Back at Gabrielle’s crummy camp they’re still chatting with the poor people. Gabrielle tries to help Diana tell a story with nods. Diana then chunks Xena’s “round killing thing.” She only barely manages not to kill her father. They all head back to the castle. It seems that’s the end of all that. Diana will marry the wiener and Xena and Gabrielle will go to Corinth and the escort will be sad. Only the ambassador? Totally evil and ready to kill Diana.

There’s a conversation between the escort and his brother. Some guards show up. The escort realizes that the general was murdered. He and Diana agree that he should head off to find Xena. He does. They ride off and leave Gabrielle all alone in a field.

Back at the castle the wedding is in full swing. Kind of a sad affair. A chandelier nearly falls on the bride and groom but Diana chunks the groom out of the way and starts fighting assassins. Why? Because she’s Xena. The wiener doesn’t realize it’s Xena and is horrified at his wife’s fighting prowess. Xena ends the fight by using the repaired harp to launch a volley of arrows. Well done Xena.

Out on the road Diana reveals herself to the escort. They kiss. AAAAAAW.

A party is thrown. People rejoice. Xena and Gabrielle have their end of episode chat and some brownie balls. Good times.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

Liberia was only created relatively recently. It was not an actual nation at any point in antiquity. Also it was founded by freed slaves from America. So those guys didn’t fit the bill. My favorite part was how Xena’s Liberia was getting ready to outlaw slavery. So I’m thinking someone HAD to know what they were doing.

 

Superhuman feats

• Xena does another whizzbang series of kicks without wires.
• She breathes fire AGAIN.
• She destroys a harp with a touch.
• She leaps from the second story of a building without even a grunt.

 

Where it stands in the series

This is the first of many doppleganger episodes. MANY. Xena (and Joxster) get all the fun dopplegangers. Gabrielle gets the evil ones. As those sorts of episodes go this one was pretty fun and there’ll be a load of callbacks to it in later episodes. There’s also another nod to the episode with Sisysphus. 

Oh and Gabrielle actually uses her staff! And is pretty good with it!

 

Rating ***

Three round killing things. I’ve had the good fortune of seeing later doppleganger episodes and can say with confidence that funnier ones exist, but this one was still a lot of fun. Lawless has really started to mature as an actress and she’s started to insert some humor into Xena. O’Connor, when not having to play super naive, is much more engaging and Gabrielle isn’t irritating this episode.

 

Disclaimer

Neither Xena or her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 16, Mortal Beloved.

Marcus is back from the dead? And Hades is missing his favorite hat.

Edited by Mercury318 - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm

Season 1, Episode 16 Mortal Beloved

Thanks for hanging in there folks? The later episodes of the season are MUCH easier to revisit then the early part. It almost feels like the show I vaguely remember from my teenage years!

 

 

Summary

This poor woman is being stalked by a ghost. She screams and runs to a tavern where Xena and Gabrielle are having a drink. They’re totally interested. Xena chugs her drink and heads off to do battle with protoplasm.

But this ghost knows her name. He solidifies into Marcus, her boytoy from a few episodes back. He’s come to get Xena’s help. Things are not going well in the underworld. He mentions a lake and she makes a beeline for it. Gabrielle is a little concerned. Xena’s planning on getting to the Underworld and her plan may end in her death. She takes nothing but her sword and chakram and leaves Gabrielle to do her best Penelope. Guys this diving into a lake is so serious Xena doesn’t even do a yell.

TITLES. Xena’s scuba outfit is the tits. Flippers AND a girdle? Too sweet.

Sopping and ready for a fight Xena finds herself in the Underworld and at the boat of Charon. He knows all about the bad things going on in the Underworld and is amused that Xena wants to help when even the gods are powerless. Sidenote: how short is her scuba outfit?

So this Underworld is all split up into parts. Good people usually go to the Elysian Fields but instead they’re in Tartarus.  Marcus is there too. They hug and we find out that the dead really do hear our thoughts.

So things are all topsy turvey because a serial killer stole Hades’s helmet of invisibility, trapped Hades and wanders around being awesome. Xena and Marcus go after him in his new home base, the Elysian Fields. It’s super pretty and everyone spends their time being stoned. Usually. Right now everyone wears a lot of black and fights and has a lot of sex. Also I think I saw a guy vomit on another guy.

The first guy they run into? Toxius from Death in Chains. He thinks Xena’s dead and he’s totally cool with it. Dead dudes really don’t hold grudges! He gives Xena the 411 and peaces out with his posse of evil. That leaves Xena and Marcus. Poor Marcus. He turned good at death and is considered evil by the guys who make the rules in the Underworld. Now Xena has to worry about setting things right. If she does then he’ll be stuck in hell with a whole lot of pissed, evil dudes.

The serial killer finally shows up. He’s evil in a super campy way. Xena is not impressed. Until he smells Xena. That’s some perfume Xena. Rather then fight she stirs things up and sets the crowd of evil on the serial killer. A fight breaks out and the serial killer grabs his helmet and flees, but not before mutilating Toxius’s body. 

Back in the world of the living Gabrielle is BORED. She’s drawing lines in the sand with her staff and waiting for Xena. Some guys on their way to a festival think she’s weird. We get a nice shot of her doing jack and shit.

Aw yes. Bring on the CGI. Xena and Marcus make their way to Hades’s castle. It’s surrounded by sweet 1996 graphics and some harpies. Xena and Marcus set to fighting the Harpies. It involves fire breathing. And Marcus getting shirtless. Between Marcus’s top and Xena’s bottom everyone wins!

Hades is holed up and totally miserable…also attractive. He’s bummed about the loss of his fancy hat. He gives Xena and Marcus some info. If the serial killer goes up to the surface then he can be killed and Hades can get his hat back. This all sounds like Hades is just lazy. 

Xena agrees to go and she takes Marcus with her. He gets mortality for 48 hours. They head off through a secret passage.

Back at the lake Gabrielle is making a camp fire or something. She sees the water move and thinks it’s Xena. Nope. It’s the creepy serial killer. He’s ready to kill her just because. He thinks she’s scared because he’s all ghost like and evil, but really she’s worried about Xena. They fight. Chica you’ve got range. USE IT. She does. But then she tries to run and he catches her. We end the act break with Gabrielle dead, the dude in blood and Marcus and Xena horrified.

A fight goes down. It would have gone down differently but the invisible dude fights on sand.

Oh yeah, Gabrielle is still alive! The blood? Totally his. She meets Marcus and they head off in search the serial killer. Naturally they get tired and decide to rest. Gabrielle snores and Xena and Marcus have a half naked heart to heart with cuddling and massages. Xena uses the l world and finally gets some. Man she’s had like a fifteen episode dry spell. It was TIME.

The next morning they find those guys that thought Gabrielle was odd. They were beaten by the serial killer who’s now off to the festival they were going to. Yea for serial killers being predictive! 

At the festival the serial killer does a bunch of jerky things, but he hasn’t killed anyone yet. Xena and the gang chat with the bride’s dad. Xena will take the bride’s place at some bathing. Oh Xena. You get laid and suddenly you have to spend ALL your time getting naked?

Xena goes off for her bath and leaves Gabrielle all alone with the bride n the house…or did she? The serial killer heard the plan and goes after the bride in the house. But Xena’s in bed in full armor. They fight. Xena stabs him through a blanket. He was a TERRIBLE villain. She leaves Gabrielle with the gross body and heads back to the lake with Marcus and the helmet. They have a dilemma. Marcus kind of wants to keep the helmet so he can stay on earth with Xena, but he also knows that he has to do the right thing. Queue the Lawless Death Dirge.

They head back to Charon. He’s not okay with taking them across but sees the helmet and changes his mind. Hades, being a MASSIVE dick, doesn’t put his harpies away. So Xena and Marcus have to fight them AGAIN. Seriously Hades is the laziest lord of the Underworld EVER. 

Xena has had ENOUGH (J Lo style!). She tells Hades that she’ll only give him the helmet if he judges Marcus again. She wants him in the Elysian Fields. Hades thinks it over and says yes. Deal made, Marcus hands over the helmet. He and Xena kiss and because Xena is the baddest Mother-F to ever live she stabs him and ends his 48 hours. Trying not to cry she gives testimony about how awesome Marcus is. Hades allows Marcus to go to the Elysian Fields. She says goodbye to Marcus. It’s a little touching damn it.

Back on the surface Xena reaches the water’s edge and is seriously upset about Marcus. Gabrielle gives her a hug.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

The Grecian underworld is a funny place. There have been so many variations on the myth over the years that there’s no real definitive way of describing the place. Tartarus has been used to mean the Christian concept of Hell and it’s been used to mean the afterlife as a whole. In early Greek traditions it was the place that the titans were kept after the big titan/gods brawl. It was only later that it started serving as a place for other dead people. Hades/Underworld is not to be confused with Tartarus. That’s where all the average dead people go. The Elysian Fields are reserved for the super awesome. 

The Hercules/Xena mythos generally streamlines things and makes it Tartarus = Hell and Elysian Fields = Heaven. But don’t get too attached. The afterlife undergoes some significant changes over the course of the show.

Charon does row the ferry dow the Styx to Hades. Greeks used to put a coin on each eye so that the dead could afford the ferry. And if you were wondering who was under all that make up for Charon? It was Michael Hurst, who plays Iolaus. 

 

Superhuman Feats

• Xena gets her Greek hero on and travels to the Underworld while alive.
• She battles harpies.
• Fights large groups of the dead.
• Kills and invisible man.
• Bargains with a god.

 

Where it stands in the series

This is the episode where Lucy Lawless suddenly became a good actress. Other stuff is mildly important. We see Toxius and Hades and Marcus again and the helmet of invisibility is introduced, but that pales in comparison to Lawless. She’s great in this episode.

 

Disclaimer

No Winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave during the production of this motion picture.

 

Rating ****

That’s right. Four chakrams. This is a very good Season 1 episode. There’s ambitious CGI and a fun plot and a fine bit of acting from Lucy Lawless and the guy that plays Marcus. Gabrielle may be sidelined but her few moments don’t feel like they detract from the main story and the villain is kind of interesting in a creepy and gross way.

And again the show opts to go with cleverness over brawn. Xena incites a riot with words and then outwits a god…twice! 

 

Coming Soon

Episode 17. The Royal Couple of Thieves.

It’s Bruce Campbell time! Also a heist episode! Those are always fun.

Edited by Mercury318 - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm

Season 1, Episode 17 The Royal Couple of Thieves

I’m front porching this and apologizing for the summary in advance. I got kind of caught up watching the episode rather then trying to mock or summarize it. SORRY.

 

Summary

A giant paperweight is on top of a staff being carried by the leader of a cult in some robes that drape quite nicely. Overhead a man on a roof uses some gadgetry to swoop over the cult, grab the paperweight and make a run for it.

The man? Autolycus. Xena immediately catches up with him and demands a chat. He runs instead. Xena gives chase, but she’s clearly in it for fun and not to help the robbed villagers or anything. She catches up with him and he refuses to hand over the paperweight. Gabrielle, decked out like a cultist, comes up behind her and they reveal that they’ve switched the object he was going for. Why? They wanted his attention so he’ll help them steal something SUPER valuable.

TITLES. Bruce Campbell and Renee O’Connor made me feel funny as a kid. How about you?

With Autolycus captured they all have a drink at a bar. The entire time he’s trying to escape and she’s trying to keep him there and they’re both trying to hide what they’re doing. Also they’re talking about the object that needs to be stolen. It’s a necklace or a chest. I’m not sure. I was staring at Xena’s REALLY bad hair. Anyways this scene and the next exist to convince Autolycus to take the case.

When he’s ready they go and change clothes and prepare Autolycus for the con he’ll have to partake. So basically Xena and Autolycus are pretending to be super awesome killers so they can ride a boat with a bunch of other super awesome killers who were all invited to bid on a super awesome weapon. Autolycus wows the other killers and manages to get Xena in a skimpy outfit. The guy he’s impersonating killed the brother of another passenger and he wants revenge. When the act break comes he tries to knock Autolycus and Xena overboard.

The two survive and wordlessly come up with a plan. Or Autolycus just keeps going and leaves Xena to do all the hard work. Xena finally climbs up and is none too pleased when she sees Autolycus at dinner. 

Finally they arrive at the island and hash out their plan. It involves no fighting and a lot of talking, the actual discussion ends with a poor attempt at seduction. Later they’re taken to their host who shows them to totally sweet security setup for his chest. Autolycus offers Xena for dancing so he can go investigate the security system. So she goes off and dances and he does his own thing. The dance ends with Xena just standing there twirling a tassle. Autolycus tries to get her to take off more clothes but she refuses and smashes food in his face.

With the party over they return to steal the chest, but it’s gone and their host is lying dead where it should be. They trip an alarm and run back to their room just in time to be summoned again. The host’s second in command wants the chest and he wants his boss’s killer. It’s too much for Autolycus. He’s done. Xena can’t let it end that way. She really owes the people they’re stealing the chest for. Heart to heart! Autolycus gets his mind changed and agrees to stay. That’s when someone starts knocking on the door and they find the chest in their bed. A strap on joke later the guard leaves and they have another little conversation before going to return the chest to it’s spot in the hopes that it will help out the murderer. The chest gets returned, they evade capture and go to bed.

With the chest in place the auction is back on. This would be awesome, but Gabrielle has been captured by the REAL Sentarus and the jig is up. The guy who tried to kill them on the boat? Xena outs HIM as the murderer. Sentarus kills him using pressure points. And now, the first fight of the episode! It’s very brief. Xena and her gang escape and the auction is back on.

Xena uses pressure points to help Gabrielle and sends her off to follow a trail. Then she and Autolycus sneak back into the castle. They have a romantic moment? I’m so confused!

Gabrielle, armed with some rocks, tries to follow some guys and promptly gets captured by Sentarus again. Oh Gabrielle. This all leads to a nice fight between Xena and the guards and then Autolycus and the guards. Xena races off to rescue to villagers and Gabrielle. First she has to fight pressure points with pressure points. Xena explodes Sentarus’s heart and Gabrielle, suddenly armed, tosses her her sword so they can all fight the guards and get the villagers to safety. At least one guard gets his testicles skewered. 

With the guards all down the last man standing figures nows the time to open the box. He freaks out and runs and is abruptly incinerated. Xena and her gang just watch it all and survive. Why? Because that was the ARK. Yeah that ark. The people Xena owes? The Israelites. 

All is well and they part ways as buds, but not before Autoloclyes tries to kiss Xena and Gabrielle steals his ring.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

Okay so the Trojan War would have probably happened around the same time the Israelites were around and the Ark of the Covenant would have still existed at that point. So that all works. 

What doesn’t? Autolycus. In mythology the king of thieves was the grandfather of Odysseus and the son of Hermes. So he should be much much older then he is on the show.

 

Superhuman Feats

• She kills a man using PRESSURE POINTS.
• She uses some cheap chiffon like a whip.
• She walks across a bunch of clothing lines like she weighs nothing. Jealous!

 

Where it stands in the series

The introduction of Autolycus. He’ll play an important role in later episodes and usually classes up the join when he appears. It also seems like he makes Lawless play Xena with more humor which is significantly more entertaining for the viewer.

This also marks the first appearance of the Israelites. Yes they will appear again. 

Oh and a lot of talk about Hercules. Man I thought that romantic subplot died episodes ago. Sorry I was wrong!

 

Rating ****

Dude. Bruce Campbell was born to play broad comedy and he does a great job here. His rapport with Lawless is kind of amazing and it’s nice to see her have more fun with a character that she’s been playing as a fuddy duddy since episode one. I love that they have to essentially con a bunch of assassins. And the lead assassin? How kooky was he with his turban and long nails and love of poking people. I loved it!

The balance the writers manage to strike between the two characters is nice. One of the problems with writing a character like Xena is she’s a superhero in a very classical sense. She doesn’t have a lot of flaws and always wins the day and is nearly perfect at just about everything and super smart (though Lawless insists Xena’s illiterate). This episode the writer has to tackle two such characters. Autolycus is the King of Thieves and they make it a point to show that his title is earned. So the two have to both be awesome but careful never to one up the other too many times. The writers did a good job of that and the actors were having so much fun that it was easy to ignore some flaws in the story and some major issues with execution. 

Also. The weapon was the ARK. That’s just so hilarious and awesome. Of course Xena would be old friends with the Israelites and of course they’d get the Ark of the Covenant stolen. That’s how this show ROLLS.

 

Disclaimer

No Ancient and Inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 18, The Prodigal.

If you were wondering where Gabrielle was this episode? She was filming The Prodigal with Tim Thomerson. If you have to ask who that is you don’t belong on these boards.

Edited by Mercury318 - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm

Season 1, Episode 18 The Prodigal

Tim Thomerson here we come!

 

Summary

Gabrielle can’t play the pan pipe at all. Who does she think she is? A satyr? She and Xena come to a landslide, but before they can go around it some thieves show up with a cart of death and demand all their goods. Xena’s all “f these jerks” and rushes forward to kick some ass. Gabrielle helps and fairs pretty well with her staff. Xena gets so excited kicking ass she doesn’t notice the death cart. Gabrielle points it out and they both get ready to dodge it, but Gabrielle freezes and even though Xena saves her Gabrielle’s still rather struck by what’s she failed to do. Xena just assumes Gabrielle’s burned out and she’s okay with that, but Gabrielle is horrified but what she’s done. She can’t stick around if she’s going to freeze up. She tells Xena she’s going back home. It’s a tender scene and the way Lawless says “I can’t help you with this” is kind of wonderful. When did these two get so good?  The camera focuses on a really sad Xena and we cut to—

TITLES. Man one episode with Bruce Campbell and it shows. Lawless is really carrying that levity forward from the last episode.

The road to Poteidaia hasn’t changed that much since the pilot but it’s a long haul and Gabrielle is bored out of her gourd. She makes some attempts at hitchhiking but the merchants and travelers all such. After a nod to It Happened One Night Gabrielle has an immaculate conception and gets picked up. The man kind enough to help? The guy who picked her up in the pilot. They part ways and Gabrielle continues on home. But a lot of torched ruins await her. She finds a man burying his dead family and learns that a band of killers are headed to Poteidaia. She runs the rest of the way and is relieved to see her very castle looking town is safe. Only when she gets inside the town she finds it empty, until she creeps into a tavern and finds the entire village patiently waiting for the badass Meleager the Mighty. Also, Lila, Gabrielle’s sister, hints at a bit of jealousy towards Xena.

Meleager walks in and passes out. Yea they hired a drunk!

Gabrielle and Lila take it upon themselves to get Meleager ready for battle.  They kind of fail because Meleager has a nose for booze. The next day Meleager addresses the village properly sloshed. Lila and Gabrielle have another tiff and then run into some of Damon’s scouts (Damon being the bad guy of the week). They rush to get Meleager’s help, but he’s in no shape. So Gabrielle props him up and does her best Weekend at Bernie’s. Pulleys are involved. The scouts rush back to Damon who remembers a bounty on Meleager’s head. The fight is on!

Gabrielle makes another attempt at getting Meleager ready for fighting. It involves guilt. Then Gabrielle realizes she and Meleager are in the same place emotionally. They’re both burned out. 

Later they go scouting the surrounding area and Gabrielle actually sounds like she knows what she’s doing. Lila is less understanding and still SUPER JEALOUS. Lila I am positive Gabrielle has no sisterly interest in Xena. They kind of work out the jealousy issue and go to follow a shout from Meleager. Only he’s not there, and it’s up to Gabrielle to follow the tracks. Dang when did she learn tracking? She sends Lila to run coverage at the village and follows the trail to Damon’s camp.  Damon is attempting to negotiate with Meleager. Meleager turns down Damon’s sweet offer, but before he can be taken away Gabrielle shows up. Meleager agrees to join Damon if he can rape Gabrielle. Good plan! The two of them make some sexy noises in the tent and plot their escape. The sexy noises get so awesome sounding that the guards try to peak. Meleager knocks them out and the two free all the horses and return to town. 

MONTAGE. Gabrielle and Meleager are a good team. They work together building up defenses. Lila is thoroughly delighted by it all. But the montage ends with a hesitant looking Meleager. 

That night at the tavern everyone fawns over Meleager but he insists that Gabrielle is the REAL warrior. Aaaaw. The next morning Lila and Gabrielle realize they’ve both grown over the last 18 episodes. They hug it out. Then Damon shows up and things get busy!

Only Meleager’s disappeared and he’s taken the money the town gave him! With no Meleager a fight is pointless. The towns people prepare a tribute for Damon. Gabrielle is against a tribute, but everyone’s all “F you Gabrielle you can’t fight!” Lila stands up for her sister and reminds everyone that Gabrielle has been with Xena for a while and can hopefully kick ass. The town decides to take a bet on Gabrielle. The fight? Totally takes it’s cues from Home Alone. Although I don’t remember a line of farmer ladies dancing in Home Alone.  They think they’ve won but Gabrielle points out that the bad guys are just regrouping. The town mayor is all “Man fighting is HARD. We’re done!” 

Before the town can surrender Meleager shows up. He spent the money on javelins and he’s actually good with them. A happy tune plays as he slaughters dozens of bad guys. But Damon grabs Lila and Gabrielle. REALLY GABRIELLE?! She racks him in the nuts and he and Meleager fight it out. At a key moment Gabrielle quotes Xena so that Xena can help save the day. 

Lila finds her sister looking forlorn at the celebration afterwards. She knows what needs to happen. Gabrielle needs to go be with her cuddle bunny. She sends Gabrielle off with a hug. Also, Gabrielle mentions being an oracle? I don’t remember that being mentioned up until now.

Back on the road Gabrielle is sans pan pipe but still whistling up a storm. She runs into the bandits from the teaser, but this time she doesn’t freeze. Xena then shows up and helps Gabrielle route the bad guys. Turns out Xena was going to Poteidaia to check on Gabrielle, her cuddle bunny.

 

How this episode makes historians weep

Meleager was a Greek hero that in no way resembles the burnt out warrior of the show. The Meleager of mythology was immortal as long as a specific piece of wood wasn’t burned. He killed his brothers and his mother burned the wood and thus killed him as well. It is not known if he looked like Tim Thomerson.

 

Superhuman Feats

Xena was a relative no show, but that didn’t stop her from shattering swords with her chakram!

 

Where it stands in the series

This episode was all about Gabrielle coming to that point in the road where she has to decide if she’s just on a jaunt with Xena or really a warrior. Meleager, Damon and Lila are all there to help her make that decision. And Gabrielle does choose. She realizes that she can’t go home again and be a farmer because she’s too good at being a warrior.

Only she really isn’t at all as evidenced by how quickly Damon snags her. She’s still a baby fighter, but the episode goes to great lengths to show how much she’s learned over the course of the show and it marks the end of super duper incompetent Gabrielle (though I think she makes a small appearance next episode).

This plot, Gabrielle’s struggle with her violent life, will reappear throughout the series and will actually act as a driving force in much of the episodes in the fourth and sixth season.

This also marks the second appearance of the Lila character and she’s played by the same actress. Something that I love about this show and it’s supporting cast is how they’ll appear in an episode even if it’s only for a minute or two, and they’ll give a good turn while there.

 

Rating ***

Tim Thomerson playing a drunk all fighter? Awesome. He clearly has a lot of fun in the role and the chemistry between him and O’Connor is very nice. They work well off each other. 

The through line of the series is meant to be Xena’s struggle with the darkness she holds, but this marks the first time we see other characters experience that same struggle. I like that Gabrielle panics and I like that she questions her resolve. It shows a maturity for the character.

Although the parallel between her and Meleager is rather loose and too often on the nose it’s still a fun concept, and like many of these early episodes it’s the concept—not the execution—that I find appealing. It’s got me really excited for later episodes where the writing is much more deft.

 

Disclaimer

Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing warrior-for-hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

 

Coming Soon

Episode 19, Altared States.

KARL URBAN GUYS. It’s Urban’s first of many appearances on Xena. Also Gabrielle gets hiiiiiiigh.

Edited by Mercury318 - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm