I don't think I'm looking for attention. I don't think I'm looking for absolution or comfort. I don't think I'm even looking for advice. I just want to vent.
I think I can start with last February. My 9 year old son (who is now 10) went off the rails. He went from a relatively happy, outgoing child (but not perfect. What kid is at that age) to sullen and withdrawn. He became prone to angry fits, acts of defiance and tantrums more suited for a preschooler. His grades at school dropped dramatically. He was never what I would call the best student but he totally shut down. Wouldn't do assignments, was rude to teachers and was constantly in trouble. So he's going through a phase right? Maybe he's just started the rebelling process a tad early? We can handle this...we're a good family.
Two months later a bomb gets dropped on our doorstep. We're playing basketball in the driveway and a car pulls up. It's one of my son's friends mother and she is pissed. She starts making wild accusations. For brevity's sake I'll say these accusations were of a sexual nature. She starts to verbally accost my son. She nor I handled this very well. I'm the first to admit that but you don't do what she did (nor should I have responded in the fashion I did) in front of a child. Some very serious threats of physical violence and legal action were made that day. It was not what I would call a great day.
A week later a caseworker from the Department of Children's Services shows up on our door seeking to interview us and my son. While I had great misgivings about all this we decided to go through the process for the sake of all parties involved. And we did. After a 4 month investigation this is what came out according to the caseworker:
Yes, the incident in question involving my son and the other boy did happen. But what they also found was that there was another boy, an older boy, of 12 years of age who had been (in their words) engaged in "inappropriate sexual activity" with both boys. The recommendation was counseling for all parties and the case was closed.
I can't even begin to describe how I felt: Angry, betrayed, a sense of extreme sadness. I had let this older boy into my home (despite misgivings) and in retrospect had seen the signs but ignored them. Dismissed them because when it comes to kids and young people I always want to think the best. My wife tells me all the time "You can't save everyone" but damn it I keep trying. And this time? It caused immense emotional and psychological damage to my son and this other boy. What makes it even worse is now that younger boy's parents will not let this go. They protested the outcome of the investigation and have, on two separate occasions, reported my son to Children's Services out of what I believe to be a sense of vengeance on their part. I understand they feel the need to protect their child but I also think what they want more is a pound of flesh.
I feel like a failure. My one job on this planet was to raise and protect my child from the shit this world can throw at you and I didn't do it. I failed as a father and a parent in such a disturbing way that I can't even forgive myself. There's a distance in my family that wasn't there before and it makes me bitter and angry. Therapy and counseling is helping my son both individually and as a family but I feel this divide between us. Maybe it's subconscious but I just can't help but feel this blame from my wife and son on why I didn't do more, why I didn't protect us from all this.
I think I can start with last February. My 9 year old son (who is now 10) went off the rails. He went from a relatively happy, outgoing child (but not perfect. What kid is at that age) to sullen and withdrawn. He became prone to angry fits, acts of defiance and tantrums more suited for a preschooler. His grades at school dropped dramatically. He was never what I would call the best student but he totally shut down. Wouldn't do assignments, was rude to teachers and was constantly in trouble. So he's going through a phase right? Maybe he's just started the rebelling process a tad early? We can handle this...we're a good family.
Two months later a bomb gets dropped on our doorstep. We're playing basketball in the driveway and a car pulls up. It's one of my son's friends mother and she is pissed. She starts making wild accusations. For brevity's sake I'll say these accusations were of a sexual nature. She starts to verbally accost my son. She nor I handled this very well. I'm the first to admit that but you don't do what she did (nor should I have responded in the fashion I did) in front of a child. Some very serious threats of physical violence and legal action were made that day. It was not what I would call a great day.
A week later a caseworker from the Department of Children's Services shows up on our door seeking to interview us and my son. While I had great misgivings about all this we decided to go through the process for the sake of all parties involved. And we did. After a 4 month investigation this is what came out according to the caseworker:
Yes, the incident in question involving my son and the other boy did happen. But what they also found was that there was another boy, an older boy, of 12 years of age who had been (in their words) engaged in "inappropriate sexual activity" with both boys. The recommendation was counseling for all parties and the case was closed.
I can't even begin to describe how I felt: Angry, betrayed, a sense of extreme sadness. I had let this older boy into my home (despite misgivings) and in retrospect had seen the signs but ignored them. Dismissed them because when it comes to kids and young people I always want to think the best. My wife tells me all the time "You can't save everyone" but damn it I keep trying. And this time? It caused immense emotional and psychological damage to my son and this other boy. What makes it even worse is now that younger boy's parents will not let this go. They protested the outcome of the investigation and have, on two separate occasions, reported my son to Children's Services out of what I believe to be a sense of vengeance on their part. I understand they feel the need to protect their child but I also think what they want more is a pound of flesh.
I feel like a failure. My one job on this planet was to raise and protect my child from the shit this world can throw at you and I didn't do it. I failed as a father and a parent in such a disturbing way that I can't even forgive myself. There's a distance in my family that wasn't there before and it makes me bitter and angry. Therapy and counseling is helping my son both individually and as a family but I feel this divide between us. Maybe it's subconscious but I just can't help but feel this blame from my wife and son on why I didn't do more, why I didn't protect us from all this.
