The Chewer Conquest Thread

In the future, I will be able to defeat all Chewers in combat.

List your name below and I'll tell you how you shall be vanquished in Crom's name.

Ryoken will meet me on the rooftop of the Chrysler Building. When he reaches for a knife, that's when he'll feel a slight trickle on his head. It turns out that it's going to start a terrible thunderstorm.

I might look funny in my rubber suit, but I'm grounded. As Ryoken charges me, the first thunderstrike hits the roof. BZZZAAPP!

Ryoken's charred body flies of the building, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE.

Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost.

NEXT!!!!!!

Justin Clark meets me at P.S. 145, while I try to skip town following the incident at the Chrysler Building.

He's brought with him what appears to be an antique Springfield rifle. Yelling EXCELSIOR, he opens fire on me. The only catch is that, Justin has forgot to check the double-bolt lock. The metal pin discharges and backfires into Justin's right eye. Screaming like a newly Nicked Fury, he falls to the ground.

Taking pity on him, I dropkick him out a window, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE.

Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost.

NEXT!!!!!!

Princess Kate meets me at JFK, as I try to just get the fuck out of NYC.

She comes at me with a Katana, I throw a ball of yarn. Having destroyed her precise response, Kate spends the rest of the evening trying to understand my choice to use the yarn.

By morning, I'm in Mexico. I sit down for a nice meal of Puerco Pibil, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE.

Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost.

NEXT!!!!!!

No one ever does.

DJ Dylan meets me in Mexico, as I finish my meal. I stare him down, as he explains that he's been sent by the Home Office to kill me. I lean back in my chair and ask him a question about gravity. That's when I fall backwards in my chair, hitting the floor with a thud. Faking a seizure, I begin to flap around on the floor. Dylan doesn't know what to make of this, as the cantina rushes to my aid. When the cantina patrons spread apart, I'm gone. Venturing back to Dylan's motel room. I duct tape the windows and seal any cracks or openings. Posing as a janitor, I wait for the defeated Dylan to return back to his room. When he enters, I seal the door from the outside and leave. The entire evening, Dylan spent much money eating Mexican food and drinking his ass off. The resulting shit storm in his stomach brews methane levels of toxic resolute. As he begins to blow his butt off, the room fills with toxic gas. Dylan decides to retire early, as I await the results. The next morning, the coroner and local federales split the tape open and enter the shit-stank of a room. The toxic nature of the farts had burned the top layer of skin off of Dylan's body. Unconscious, exposed and out-of-air...Dylan passed away into the smelly hell of a night. They wheel him out, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

No one would call a Thai tranny hooker expensive. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Happenin 

Give me my obituary, Anderson, it's a slow work day.

The Buja meets me, as I spend the next day training Manuel the Donkey Boy to fetch me local women of the night. Doc kicks Manuel off of his dirtbike, as he motions for me to come near. Angered by the disrespect shown to Manuel the Donkey Boy, I summon my trained whore army. Over the next few hours, I watch as a storm of arms, teeth and cum-stained fingernails tear apart Doc.

Nobody disrespects Manuel the Donkey Boy. I turn around to see that the whores have finished with Doc, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by donde 

Let's go! I will fight you... DOMINICAN STYLE!

Manuel the Donkey Boy tells me about how the Town Elders let him drive the garbage truck. I laugh, as he regales me with tales about his life in Broken English. That's when I noticed Donde appearing on the horizon. Clothed in overalls and a sack upon his head, young Donde looked not unlike "Friday the 13th Part 2" era Jason Voorhees. The young assassin lifted a machete above his head and began to charge at me. I whistle at Manuel, letting him know to hide.

Staring at my attackers, I remember Donde's weakness. That's when I motion for Sherill the Lady Boy to come hither. Sherill came to Mexico for a cheap reassignment surgery, but what shim ended up with was a pitchforked member tucked in the middle of a half-baked mangina. I give Sherill a five spot, then point to the charging figure in the distance. Sherill charges Donde, as Donde is overtaken by the lady boy. The two begin to throw down in the dust, while I return to Manuel's stories.

Donde and Sherill the Lady Boy fall in love, while life moves on in this tiny Mexican town. Years later, Donde and Sherill desperately try to conceive a child, but nothing happens. Upon visiting the OB GYN, Donde learns Sherill's startling secret. Donde begins to break down in the doctor's office, when he pulls out a dagger. Stabbing it into his heart in some half-assed version of Hara Kiri, Donde ends it all. Sherill the Lady Boy skypes the scene back to me, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 

I'm next in line. Feeling surly thanks to relationship issues and a building workload in the office. I have a loaded Swingline and I know how to use it, punk.

In the village, there's a little goat man named Pan. Pan has a real name, but I don't speak Spanish and never cared to advance beyond taco supreme. Pan was playing his flute for Manuel the Donkey Boy, the whore army and Mayor Alahambra; while I wondered if letting Sherill the Lady Boy leave was a wise choice. That's when I heard a staple shoot past my ear. I turned around to see an Anton Chigurh looking Michael M aiming a gas powered staple gun at me.

Summoning upon the Brah force, I begin to look for a hole in Michael's defenses. That's when I see the leaky gas valve on the staple gun's tank. Grabbing a local federale, I tell him to aim at the gas valve. The federale opens fire, causing Michael M to explode. I make a quick quip, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm 

Yeah, I gotta get in on this but I'm gonna tell you that it will take you actually getting involved instead of happenstance pushing you to victory over everyone so far.

TzuDohNihm shows up in Mexico looking for a child bride. The whore army tips me off about his arrival, so I dispatch Werewolf Pedro to finish him. Before Werewolf Pedro has a chance to whack him, TzuDohNihm is found hung in his hotel closet with a plastic bag over his head. The body's found wearing jeggings and lipstick, with the words "NO LOVE" etched in lipstick on his stomach. Werewolf Pedro pities the man, as the story is related back to me. I look at my autographed picture of David Carradine, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gabe T 

Anderson, I will kill the fuck out of you. I will headbutt you until your face is just a clump of dirt, hair and wishbones.

Gabe T. arrives in Mexico looking for a fight. He gets tired and stops at the local motel for a night. The next morning, he awakens to two federales standing over him. In the middle of the room are five dead rentboys in various states of distress. Each rentboy has a bottle of Jose Cuervo stuffed up their butts. Gabe pleads his innocence all the way until his execution. I sit in the front row, while I watch the local authorities hang Gabe. I adjust my tie and leave, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Walker 

Anderson, I will make you pick up your teeth with broken fingers.

 

And put a smile on that face while you're at it!

Walker farts with great majesty, as he appears in Mexico. Appearing in the town that I've redubbed "El Guapo", Walker tries to pay off the locals to give me up. The people of El Guapo are mighty and reject his offers of a nickel a piece. They return to me, as they report the arrival of the smelly man. That's when I summon my latest subject, Mexican Arnim Zola.

Loading a new disc into his mental viewfinder, I send M.A.Z. to kill Walker. The result is an epic fight that lasts for days until M.A.Z. rips off Walker's nipples with his metal claw-like hands. Walker drops to the ground, as he begins to bleed to death out of his nipples. As Walker slips away from the mortal coil, I appear before him. I make a joke about Walker dying like a nipple-less whore, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Strange 

I'm here to tell you it can't be done. But I always love to watch people try.

I make a deal with the Taiwan Government to have Sam Strange sent to Mexico on a goodwill tour. When Strange arrives in El Guapo, he realizes that he's been had. Desperately trying to escape my city by the sea, I order the Whore Army to attack. Sam Strange fights his way through the first two waves, but he is overcome by the horde. Sam tries to down his cyanide tablet, but General Bubbles removes it from his mouth. General Bubbles orders Sgt. Quendra to stab Sam in the throat. Sam begins to bleed out, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hammerhead 

Anderson, if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Hammerhead arrives in El Guapo, wearing his Star Wars bedsheets like a cape. I order Manuel the Donkey Boy to push Hammerhead down the escalator that takes you into Downtown El Guapo. The bedsheets catch in the endgate of the escalator, pulling against Hammerhead like a noose. The townspeople watch, as the escalator slowly kills Hammerhead. That's when I begin to make a call to the Escalator repair guy, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nexus-7 

I really don't want to die in Mexico, but hey you gotta go when you gotta go...

Venturing back into Texas for the day, I applauded Petey Paco and the Flan Twins for learning English so fast. I had grown close to the power trio and I was going to reward them with a trip to a minor league American baseball game. In the parking lot, I was stopped by Nexus-7. He was wearing a Longhorns jersey and no pants. I asked the man what was the matter, but he kept rambling about the prophecy and how I was ruining the Front's agenda.

I tried to calm the gentleman down, but that's when he whipped out a weirding module and began to shout obscenities. Knowing the ways of the Fremen like I do, I dove behind a concrete barrier, as he blew apart several cars in the parking lot. Petey Paco and the Flan Twins hid behind the barrier with me, when they gave me an idea. They had reminded me that the villagers took to calling me Azucartetas. Turning to face Nexus, I scream my new name.

That's when his head exploded. Some people don't need a weirding module, their name is a killing word. That's when I turned to help my friends out of their hiding spot, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evi 

You don't have the balls, Anderson!

Evi arrived in El Guapo hidden among our shipment of fetish porn and wicker baskets. Sneaking his way into the Grand Royale Hacienda, he slipped into the shadows like Willard in Apocalypse Now. I was busy eating peyote buttons and listening to The Doors, while Evi dispatched some lower ranking guards with great ease. Evi arrived in my throne room, as I sit on my dais staring into the distance. I question his motives, but Evi doesn't listen. He grabs a katana and quickly cuts me apart.

That's when Evi begins to realize that something is wrong and he breaks out of the trance. Searching the new room that he's in, Evi realizes that everything that he remembered was a fantasy. Evi had been abducted from an unsecure building about a week ago. For the last few days, the people of El Guapo kept feeding him the remains of poisonous toads while he tripped balls to death. Dangling so close to the edge, I appear before him with the face of the Great Serpent God Quetzalcoatl and I judge him to be lacking.

Evi begins to scream, as I order the blood of seventy diseased livers begins to poured down his throat. Watching him gargle on Hepatitis infected blood, I begin to laugh. If you come to El Guapo, you had better come correct. Evi died brutally, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake 

get @ me, dogg

Jake arrived in El Guapo looking for the missing Evi and MichaelM. The villagers hit from the one that dubbed El Nuevo Kurt Russell, as Jake rode into town on his mighty burro. Petey Paco greeted Jake first with two sticks of dynamite. Jake saw the sticks of dynamite and set his burro upon them like so many explodey carrots. The burro blew apart with great fury, as Jake watched the creature die from a distance. Jake was displeased, so he charged Petey Paco.

Petey Paco was fearful for his life, so he called upon the Flan Twins. El Muffy and El Buffy threw themselves at Jake, but Jake was able to pin them down with the power of carnal knowledge. The group then began to molest each other in the dust, when I arrived. Grabbing the hammer of Thor or as the locals call it El Mjolnir, I swung with great power at Jake's head. When thy hammer struck the fuckery of Jake, it exploded in a ball of white light.

The locals claimed that was the day I smacked Jake's sideburns onto El Buffy Flan. They also claim it was the day that I smacked a man's bottom jaw into his colon. It didn't matter since he was dead. I threw El Mjolnir back into the abyss, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Parker 

Choke on 'em, Anderson!

Parker arrives now

Cock punch to intense death son

I laugh with much gusto,

, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyler 

I Challenge thee!

When Kyler arrived in El Guapo, he was greeted by a pack of stray orphans. Under Anderson's regime, Mayor Alahambra was charged with creating roving gangs of orphan street urchins to entertain him. Once Anderson had become bored with them, the orphans took to forming street gangs ala The Warriors. Kyler eventually met up with the Los El Gatos and their leader El Pussy Lips. El Pussy Lips got that name due to the fact that I had to cut him from cheek to cheek. Due to the fact that El Guapo had no pediatricians, his lips healed back in a god-awful manner.

El Pussy Lips slurred and spat at Kyler, as Kyler withdrew his shotgun. Going to town like Ed Vincennes, Kyler made short work of the gang. Unfortunately, Kyler had accounted for the growing mob of angry gang members. The beating was fierce, as Kyler went down faster than Anderson Cooper in Cairo. Slowly quartered, Kyler screamed out his last words before he died. The crowd looked to the Hacienda forum, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by teledork 

I fart in your general direction, Anderson!

Once the crowd left and Kyler's remains were dragged into the Gulf, I departed El Guapo for Los Eisley. A Mexican community formed by Star Wars fans, Los Eisley had grown in population since the Great Recession began. Wandering the dirty streets, I turned a corner to find a Chinese antiquity shop. The man behind the counter smelled like Keye Luke, but I dare not ask why. There was a beaded curtain behind him, where I could see Teledork holding a gun to the Asian man's back. 

I told Teledork to drop it, but he opened fire. Keye Luke's doppelganger dropped to the ground, as I dove behind a display case. I took a moment to survey the room, when I found a Mogwai carrying case. Turning to face Teledork, I screamed GIZMO I CHOOSE YOU! Out of the box appeared a sad hamster like creature who fell before Teledork. The creature looked up at Teledork and cooed. Teledork leaned in closer to see if this was the Gizmo of Stage and Screen, but that's when the creature shat out a cloud of SARS.

Gripped by the winds of SARS, Teledork blindly swiped at the air before falling over dead. That's when I grabbed Teledork's gun and shot Gizmo. I wept a single tear for the Mogwai, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Merriweather 

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey, Anderson.

Andrew Merriweather greeted me upon leaving the Chinese Antiquity shop. Looking up at him, I saw Andrew unholster a Scimitar. I was blown away by the appearance of such an unwieldy weapon in this region. When Andrew charged me at, I tried to call upon El Mjolnir...but it didn't appear. I looked for my whores and orphans, but none appeared. That's when I reached out to the Heavens and cried out for my Infernal Lord Satan's help.

The ground began to shook, the sky turned blood red and the old people of the town began to die. That's when Satan's velvety hand reached out of the ground and grabbed Andrew. Andrew yelped out a Wilhelm scream while being dragged into the fiery embrace of Satan's bosom. The ground sealed behind my dark lord, while I was left with the entire village of Los Eisley looking at me. Lifting one hand to the sky, I made my devil horns.

THANK YOU SATAN! The villagers applauded, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElCapitanAmerica 

After 10 minutes of cowardly and ridiculously embarrassing bouncing around by Anderson, he lands a lucky kick and ...

 

 

The impact causes Anderson to involuntarily crap in his pants, while screaming "Zeee pantalon! Zeee pantalon! J'ai merde dans mon pantalon"

You're doing it wrong. Also, don't shit on Batroc the Leaper. He's no Razorfist, but dude will fuck your shit up.

Current line-up for tonight's conquest:

YT

El Capitan America