The Chewer Conquest Thread - Page 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by yt 

Anderson!  Smile you sonofa...

YT came to El Guapo on a fact-finding mission for Sean Penn. Upon meeting my loyal whore army, YT decided that I must die. Taking a baseball bat with nails driven into the top of the wooden beam, she began to swing away in my direction. Unfortunately, she hit the Death Pinata first. Death Pinata is the name of my champion breeding bull that I let live free-range in the town ghetto. Death Pinata was angry at having a baseball bat whacked into its ass, so he decided to show why YT what it does best.

Death Pinata is only good at one thing. That thing being raping people to death. The show that Death Pinata put on, as it tore YT's spine out was amazing. The children sold chiclets, as I tried to broker a deal for Pay-per-view rights to Honduras. Upon closing the deal, I learned that YT had died. I mourned briefly, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElCapitanAmerica 

It's amazing you can still talk with all that blood pouring out of your speaking orifice.

El Capitan America snuck into town like a bad fart. He was standing near a ledge, when I pushed him over the side into an open fire. He died in the fire. Correction. He shat himself while slowly dying in the fire. Second correction. The shit caught fire and that shit sent the fire up his butt and burned him like a candle lit at both ends. Then, he died in the fire. Actually, let me try to remember.

We pulled the refried shit bean out of the fire, hoisted him for the children to use as a pinata. When his whimpers were too much for the children, we flung him back on the fire for a second roasting. Now, the shit of flaming shit tract had plumped nicely inside of El Capitan like a Spicy Roast Turkey with stuffing. Sticking little paper booties on his feet, I offer him up to the retarded children of St. Derp of Assisi to eat. The retarded children nibble at first, but then they politely refuse.

Fearing that El Capitan no longer had a home among mortals, I threw him into the Gulf of Mexico. I said a prayer to the mighty Poseidon, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erix 

From Hell's heart... I stab at thee.

Upon returning from the coast, I returned to find Erix hiding in my hacienda. He attempted to stab me with a broken beer bottle, but he forgot something. He didn't realize that I was an expert at blocking homemade shivs. Dodging out of the way, I gave him a judo chop and threw him to the floor. I grabbed Erix and lifted him to his feet. After beating some information out of him, I learned who sent him. The Front was desperate to get me back to America, so that I could continue my work. Another agent had defected in the night and they had turned to me to fill the void.

Thanking Erix for the information, I stabbed him in the scrotum. Dragging the knife backwards, I spilled his organs onto the floor like a bad case of Montezuma's Revenge. I now knew the time had come to return to America. So I prepared for a montage, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

The montage began, as I trained for my triumphant return to America. That's when I noticed KingCujo hiding out behind the barbells. Wearing my K-Swiss tubes of death (product placement), I jumped through the air and kicked KingCujo in the chest. Cujo tried to flip himself around, but that's when I curbstomped him. The K-Swiss tubes of death tore through the back of his head and out the front of his mouth. That's when I heard the slow-clapping of Nathan W.

Nathan was joined by Felix and Don S, as they blocked my only exit out of the Maria Conchita Alonso Memorial Gym. The trio made some quips, but I was busy sizing them up. That's when I unleashed a Hadouken that tore through Don S's chest. By Hadouken, I meant that I lit Felix on fire and harpooned him through Don's chest. The site of this atrocity quickly unnerved Felix, as he began to shit himself.

I walked up to Felix and delivered a Riki-Oh with a side of Paul "THE DREAMER IS AWAKEN" Astreides, as I crushed his head while yelling my killing word. Felix's eyes shot out over my head, while three of his teeth smacked against my cheek. Grabbing a cool-down towel, I began to wipe up. Proper gym etiquette is required in Mexico. Finishing up, I noticed that I was running late for my plane, So I grabbed my bag, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

On the airplane, I try to watch "Due Date" sans headphones. That's when I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's Jim Kelly and he's got a spear gun pushing him into my ribs. He tells me not to make a move, but that's when I spin out of my chair. I never buckle my seatbelt on a plane and that is what gave me the ability to use it on Jim. Jim Kelly snaps back and fires off his spear wildly. The spears blows out the window, as the cabin begins to lose pressure.

Forcing Jim Kelly into the whole, he becomes wedged. I watch Jim's eyes water up, as his organs begin to be sucked out of his anus due to the window vacuum. He squealed like a pig getting its guts sucked out of its asshole, before he eventually folded into the hole. With a plop, his body was sucked out and impacted into the right engine. The anus puckered body blew out the engine and caused the commercial craft to go into a sudden dive.

I grabbed my parachute and I went to the emergency exit. I waved goodbye to those that were about to die and said NEXT TIME, FLY SOUTHWEST (product placement) AIRLINES! I jump out of the plane and pull the parachute. In the distance, the plane crashes into an orphanage. I land on my feet and I dust myself, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Cooper and his mom pulled their 18-Wheeler over to the side of the road. They offered me a road, while Cooper looked back at the mayhem. Taking the ride, I noticed that I was about 120 miles outside of my target destination. Driving all-night, Cooper's mom made him take the wheel while I chatted her up in the back cabin. She had been lonely since Cooper's dad died at the Circus. I told her to be quiet, as I laid her down. Cooper got the hint and kept his eyes forward. Cooper's mom yelled at him to turn on the radio.

The soothing sounds of Donna Summer filled the air, as I began to mouth seduce Cooper's mom. Eventually, she was down to fuck and Donna Summer wasn't working for me. I yelled at Cooper to put on some Rammstein. He did and I grabbed a Dry Cleaning bag. Holding the bag over Cooper's mom's head, I began to give her the third input. She choked for air, while the German Industrial Music pulsated. Cooper began to cry, but DU HAST drowned him out. With one last majestic thrust, Cooper's mom choked to death in the Dry Cleaning bag. I dropped her body on the floor of the cabin, as I took the dry cleaning bag and approached Cooper.

Holding the bag over his head, the truck began to swerve. Choking with one hand and holding the wheel with the other. I managed to multi-task murder, as I kept the truck between the lanes. Finding a nearby rest stop, I slowed down the truck and threw out Cooper's body. A pack of ravenous truckers descended upon Cooper's dead form and began to make nasty trucker love to it. I laughed, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stormin 

Where's my money, honey?

The truck ran out of gas roughly five miles away from the Front's secret hideout. Ditching the vehicle, I began to walk to the hideout. Along the way, I was attacked by a gang of newsies led by Stormin. He started talking in this tough Irish accent that sounded all like POTATO POTATO BLARNEY FAMINE to me. Since I was out of dry cleaning bags, I put up with this shit for a bit. Eventually, he dared to pull a knife on me. That's when I told him that YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I GET ANGRY. He joked about me turning into the Hulk, but he didn't notice the wad of Crystal Meth I just pulled out.

Stuffing the meth into my mouth Popeye-style, I chewed it and I turned into a raving lunatic. I bit my way through the Newsies, as the others looked on at the mayhem. Stormin tried to run, but I screamed at him in Japanese. In my fucked-up state, I imagined that Stormin was General Tso and I was after his delicious chicken. Eventually, I caught up to Stormin and sliced his gut open. It wasn't a major wound until I stuffed my fingers in it and pulled out his lower intestine.

Stapling his intestines to a telephone pole, I made Stormin skip around the pole. His organs began to pull out of his body, as the Newsies watched me make him May Day himself to death. Crying until the end, Stormin eventually died. I turned to the other Newsies and began to yell at them in gibberish. They ran off, while the meth began to wear off. I smiled a little, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Diva greeted me as I arrived at the Front's secret hideout. She made a quick crack about me hiding out in the butthole of Mexico. I asked her to autograph a picture of James Gandolfini for me. She was not amused. On the front lawn of the facility, she motioned for the gates to shut behind me. They did and I knew that I was in for a long night. Diva did a line of coke that made her eyes turn red. Cracking her back, she turned to face me. I stared her down, as I had no idea what was going to happen.

EGOTASTIC! she cried, as a swarm of Lohan clones began to attack me. Brandishing the knife that I pulled off Stormin's corpse, I begin to stab more women than I had since 2005. So much blood, so much red carpet and so much vodka breath filled the air. Diva watched in horror, as I cut my way through the bitches to the front doors of the Front complex. Diva remembered her training in martial arts and began to fight. I dodged attack, while I waited for my moment to strike.

That's when I kicked her in the cunt. The problem was that Diva expected this and my foot became wedged. Desperately trying to retract my foot of doom, Diva began to drag me into the Front complex. While being led inside, I could see that Diva was getting ready to vomit something onto me. Remembering my previous encounter with Diva during the Great Crisis, I realized that she was going to melt my face with her acidic gossip breath.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted an electrical fuse box. Guiding my cunted foot over to the box, I tricked Diva into puking at the right moment. The acid breath missed me and hit the fuse box. I got a little zapped, as the electricity flowed into Diva "Palpatine Style". Diva released me, while she slowly died before me. I wiped my foot off on a rug, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

I need a few more people to load up, so I can restart with gusto.

Lining everyone up for the coming week. Really, really trying to knock other things down at the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Judas Booth 

Have at you!

After spending weeks in the Hall of Mirrors, I broke into the compound's Hall of Presidents. As I slinked in past the twin Adams guards...I was confronted by what appeared to be Andrew Jackson merged with Geddy Lee. Bloody Andrew Jackson robot asked me to kill him, but his pain was soon ended by an axe to the back of the head. Behind the robot stood Judas. Judas had a full beard and corpse-length fingernails that wrapped around the axe handle. He smelled of poo and was to be heard muttering to himself. "20 MINUTES JUST TO NAVIGATE THIS BITCH! THEY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY, BUT IT ISN'T EASY!"

I went into a fighting stance, as I tried to detect how I would smack the axe away from Judas. Judas continued to mutter. "OUT OF JOHNSON'S BUTTHOLE CAME NIXON. NIXON POINTED THE WAY FOR FORD. BUT, MR. PEANUT KNOWS THE WAY OUT. HE KNOWS THE WAY OUT!" Picking up on the clues, I started to make my way past Judas. "HALT ADLAI STEVENSON!" I turned around to see Judas charging me.

I began to run down the Hall. First I passed Johnson talking about his balls, then I passed the display of Nixon conquering China. Then, I passed Chevy Chase. Finally, I saw Jimmy Carter poppin' and lockin'. Noticing where his finger was pointing, I powerslid into the open air duct. I turned around to see Judas continuing to charge me. That's when I noticed that it was midnight. That's when shit went all Night of the Museum and Reagan began his midnight hunger prowl. It was a split/second before Reagan had Judas in his jaws. Reagan easily bit through Judas's forearm, causing him to drop the axe. I watch the carnage from the air duct, as I began to hum the Jurassic Park theme. I spent a few minutes listening to Judas die before I left. Now it was time to go all John McClane, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Allen 

He dare not do that.

In the air ducts, I crawled through miles of endless ventilation tunnels. For awhile I thought that was at Hadley's Hope, but then I took my pills. The lines between fiction and reality were continuing to blur. Must stay strong for the orphans and for El Guapo. That's when something shot a hole in the vent before me. I looked through the vent to see that I was above Chris Allen's room. He was holding a shotgun and crying. That's when I decided to drop in on him.

"Welcome to the party, pal" I said before trying to break his neck. Chris Allen was ready and threw me through his poster of Rita Hayworth. I landed in another room, where I found an Old Man standing between two flames. He told me to take this, for it will aid me on my quest. That's when I grabbed the sword he offered and raised it above my head. Climbing back out of the Hayworth poster, I found Chris pointing a shotgun at me. That's when I started to lose my cool.

First I cut his nose off to spite his face. Spiting means that his face bled a fucking lot, while I hummed the Jurassic Park theme. I fucking love that theme. Chris fell forward, as I turned around to stab in the butthole. REAR ENTRY +50  seemed to hang in the air before me. Cool, I thought. That's when I stabbed his lungs out. Cleaning off my new sword, I turned to find the nearest exit. I holsted the sword, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Olson 

Well, I wasn't going to participate in this, but Diva asked me to, and since I love her, here I am.  Do your worst.

 

 

I walked further into the compound, as I began to wonder if there was a fucking exit. That's when a strange hobo appeared before me and offered me bombs for 80 rupees. Figuring that he was some sort of Godless commie, I threw some loose change on the ground. In Russia, the one with the most loose change is the Premier or some shit. I don't understand their election system, I just stand by the ready when Sarah Palin asks us to stop the pending invasion into her backyard. Newly armed with my bombs, I began to explore the facility looking for cracks. A wise man once said that if there's a crack in the wall, blow it the fuck up. That man was Theodore Kaczynski.

Venturing through the newly opened holes, I found Chris Olson standing alone in a room. There's a lot of people named Chris, I thought. It was too late, for this Chris began to charge at me with his bo staff. I dodge his stick jabs with great ease, but that's when shit got worse. Chris Olson cocked his head back and opened his shirt. Oh shit, I was going to have to fight his Kuato. Kuato Olson was greatly angered by his twin's inability to beat me.

That's when I realized that it's just a fucking Kuato. I cut its little flipper baby head off and then I stabbed Chris O in the heart. Chris O began to foam at the mouth like the android in Alien, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greg David 

Anderson!  ANDERSON!

 

I been hearing things, Anderson.  Things like you think you're tough.  You don't look so tough to me, Anderson.  You look like some little girl who found her momma's sunglasses.

 

Well you.  Don't.  Frighten.  ME!  You with your army of bitches and your ass boys and your tin pot generals.  Face me, Anderson.  Face me as nature intended.  Face me like a man.  Unless you're a little girl.

 

Are you a little girl, Anderson?

I reached the top floor of the compound, as I found Greg David fighting cavities with Trident. That last part is a euphemism for getting stuffed in all open holes by diseased donkeys. I waited until Greg had the chance to clean up before I stabbed him in the brain. I was getting ready to ghost when I heard clapping in the distance. I turned around to find a cybernetic Justin Clark and Nathan W. waiting for me. 

I readied my sword, as the two gimpy robo-warriors began to circle me. I thought back to my training in the cave, but I couldn't remember if that even happened. I then had a flash-sideways where I was a medical rep for boner pills. The Island sank! We never crashed! My jumbled messages fell on deaf metal ears, as the two began to attack. Justin and Nathan couldn't beat me by themselves, so they decided to go all Queer Voltron. Parts connected into other parts, as they formed a giant robot flesh monster to battle me. That's when I reached for my Game Genie.

Game Genie is code for my crack pipe. I learned at an early age that robots can't handle crack cocaine fumes and I began to smoke like the Devil. So much crack filled the room, as Justin and Nathan began to unfuse. They lost the cybernetic parts and began to flip around on the ground. I stabbed each one in the neck and moved on. I wondered what I would find, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by RyanC 

I was just over here trying to sleep, and heard somebody thinkin' they want some of this. WHO THAT IS?

Ryan C. greeted me, as I ventured into the vestibule to the Front Leader's office. He was still dressed in his Furry costume, as he had just arrived from a hot cruising date at a truck stop bathroom. He told me all of that, while I was still fighting off the lingering effects of the crack. Ryan landed some easy shots, as I swung at my drug induced hallucinations. That's when I began to see Colonel Troutman standing to my left. You've got to hit the guy in the middle, Anderson. Ignore the ones that sound like Drew Barrymore getting ass-raped by Donald Duck.

I nodded and began to unleash Tiger Fury upon Ryan. Ryan was slightly aroused by this for reasons I couldn't comprehend. Fortunately, I was able to cut Ryan in half. I stepped down on Ryan's intestines, as I began to kick him to the front door of the Front Leader's office. As Ryan's upper torso spun around, the security camera for the Front Office revealed a grenade in his mouth. BOOM! The Front Leader's office doors blew open, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayward_Woman 

Hit me with your best shot.

I entered the Front Leader's office, as the smoke began to clear out of the room. The crack fumes were leaving my head, as I found Wayward Woman pinned under some debris. I lifted the rubble to find that Wayward had drawn a gun on me. She told me not to move, but that was kind of hard. When you've done this much crack, you develop a jitter. A jitter not unlike Barry Allen or Michael J. Fox.

Wayward shot me twice, but I didn't bleed. That's how I knew that I was the One.  Wayward emptied her clip at me, as I stopped the bullets mid-air. I made the bullets drop to the ground, as I picked up Wayward by the wrist. I told her to take me to her boss, but she didn't understand. I spun around and threw her into the Front Leader's main room. She was impaled on a massive buckhead mounted to the wall.

I slowly approached the Front Leader, as he was turned away from me. I spun his chair around to reveal Colonel Troutman's corpse with the word HA carved into his chest. I began to have another 'Nam Flashback, as I noticed police lights filling the office windows. I began to have a mental breakdown, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

A year later, I was residing in a mental rest institution in Mexico. Dr. Kavita Elgwah-Po was taking care of me, as I began to reconcile what had just happened. When I had learned that I didn't serve with a Black Ops unit in Vietnam, I snapped. Desperately trying to piece together my secret fictional past, I transposed it onto the real world. That's when Dr. Kavita asked me how I could be so sure if this was the real world. That's when I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghosted.

A year after that, I was in a ski tournament in the Rockies, as I jotted down my notes about my previous conquests. I was inspired by a recent article about Kindle book sales to make a name for myself with these details of murder. That's when Colonel Troutman appeared and ordered me to stand down. I wasn't going to win a ski tournament today, as I had gone AWOL from Black Ops. It was time to pay the piper and the pipe's name was Sam. Sam the Piper aka The United States Government aka Big Momma Bailout aka Ol' Shitstain aka The Rolling Stones when they were good aka The Land that told Britain to get fucked aka The Smoky Lonesome aka Big Poppa Grux and his Stinkfish Companions aka Home of the Whopper. I continued these names, as I put on my Ray-Bans...CARUSO STYLE. Cue Moby's song from the Bourne movies and I ghost. NEXT!!!!!!

Another year after that, I realized that I was in a ditch in Tijuana. I had evaded the San Diego police by driving into Mexico and hiding in a Tijuana whorehouse. When the whores discovered that I had no cash, they threw me into the streets. That's when I got kicked in the head by a donkey and left to die in a ditch. I'm doing much better now and I'd like to thank everyone for helping me to piece this all together.

Thread ended.

For now.