I’m not much for over examining the most minuscule of topics. And when I think “minuscule” I think “Super Bowl.” Thus, here’s my thoughts on 13 of the spots premiered during Super Bowl XLV in just three sentences:
I’m glad to see Johnny Depp expanding his horizons and working with different directors. Wait, Gore Verbinski? Damn it to hell!
Nicolas Cage’s hair in 3D will be a sight to behold. Shame it’s a short cut though. Nothing could be better then seeing Cage’s wonderful locks pushing full force out of the screen.
Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom of Doom
We will wok you? Damn it, that tagline was exclusively saved for my Dwayne Johnson/Jackie Chan movie I created in my mind. Guess I’ll have to go with tagline number two: “This time…Jackie Chan’s fighting on ROCKY roads!”
Holy crap, Harrison Ford in a film with aliens? We haven’t seen that since Crossing Over. Hey, I’m as funny as Robert De Niro!
More of the same, but that’s not a bad thing. But I swear, if it’s as bad as Skyline, I will throw acid on Aaron Eckhart. But don’t worry, he won’t transform into Two Face; he’ll just die a horrible, horrible death.
Damn it, that title was reserved for my Party of Five/The Rock TV show! Yeah, I have a LOT of film concepts involving The Rock. Want to hear about my Nicolas Cage/Dwayne Johnson treatment entitled The Rock 2: The Rock?
Finally, a movie about Priests that don’t put them in a bad light. Sorry, I’m from America. That means Violence=Yeah! and Sex=Boo.
What is with Adam Sandler and slow motion shots of female breast jiggling up and down? Sorry, let me rephrase that. What is with America and slow motion shots of female breasts jiggling up and down?
I’m still not sold on this movie. It will take more than shots of Chris Hemsworth’s godly chest to do that. Hey…you see what I did there?
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
This spot really makes me want to see Transformers 3, but I just have to remember how god awful Transformers 2 was and I’ll come back to my senses.
Holy shit, two Transformers transforming in mid crash!? Sold.
Okay, this movie looks sweet. And I’ve seen 30 seconds of randomly spliced images cobbled together into one trailer. I KNOW what I’m talking about.
Easily my most anticipated film of 2011. I’ve been drinking from the J.J Abrams Kool-Aid and the Steven Spielberg Kool-Aid for years. And seeing it combined will make the greatest Kool-Aid ever…which is Tropical Punch, by the way.
Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides
I can personally vouch for Captain Jack when he says how big a threat mermaids are. I mean, have you even seen The Little Mermaid? Freaking terrifying, man.
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Well, there you have it. I have to say, all these movies look promising. Let’s hope they don’t end up being disappointing. Especially Battle: Los Angeles…Aaron Eckhart’s life depends on it.
Note: I am not actually posing a death threat upon Aaron Eckhart. However, I never said anything about Michelle Rodriguez.