CONAN THE HORRIBLE TEASER TRAILER

With you all the way, Joshua. I love the Howard stories, I love the Savage Sword comics, I love the character. And even though Schwarzenegger’s films didn’t have a lot in common with the source material, when people hear “Conan” they immediately think Arnold, and rightfully so. He owns those movies.

The “I live, I love, I slay, I am content” line is actually from Queen of the Black Coast (originally published in 1934, I believe), which is a nice nod to the source material, and I’m really rooting for Momoa, who looks more like the Conan described in the stories than Schwarzenegger.

But the fact remains that this looks more like a PowerPoint presentation than a trailer, and that’s just not going to cut it. They really need to sell the public on the look and feel of this movie to differentiate it from the legacy it’s going to be up against.

Didn't they finish shooting this a year ago? Some actual footage would have been nice.

You can get away with a vague little teaser for a movie that's highly anticipated, but not for something like this.

That is one cheap looking teaser. It doesn't scream epic, it doesn't scream mythic, it screams SyFy. Marcus Nispel has never made a genuinely good film and you don't hire Marcus Nispel if you have a quality script and wish to give the air of a quality production. Dead out the gate. Of course, some people with horrendously fucking low standards will be like "well, I enjoyed it for what it was", which has quickly become one of my most hated phrases.

Man, Momoa is one weird-looking fucker. His appearance is also the thing that makes me go "Wait, what?" in the otherwise awesome Game of Thrones trailers.

As for this trailer, everyone involved seems to be in desperate need of a cough drop.

I'm also one of the fans of the Milus' marvelous take on the character. He really did catch the spirit of Conan even though apparently he departed a lot from the source material.

BUT, the line “I live, I love, I slay, I am content” shows that they're at least aware of the source material. It's not beyond hope that they can deliver another take on the subject, if different of course.

I'm still hoping at least. 

Also, Arnold was great and everything, but his steroids-augmented muscles weren't certainly more realistic than Momoa's.

Jesus Christ, if anyone was excited about this movie, the teaser trailer is the cure for it.

The Eat Slay Love parody poster practically photoshops itself.

Mark Steven Johnson was aware of the source material for Daredevil and he loved it. Look what he made.

I suppose there are better places for this, but I'd argue that, alongside Mark Steven Johnson's "qualities" as a director and screenwriter, I think Daredevil suffers from what (Fox) studios and Johnson's expectations regarding what a superhero movie *should* be, or had to be.  And, yes, I understand that that means Mark Steven Johnson lacks vision.  But I think Daredevil was an unfortunate victim to the evolution of the superhero genre (which could still stand for some improvement.)  I wish it'd happened to some other character.

Keeping on topic, I'm not sure the same excuses can be made for a Conan movie.  This road's been travelled before, and yeah, the clips that can be discerned from that trailer seem to have a LOT in common with the commercials I used to see for the Hercules TV series.  My interest in Conan is relatively fresh.  I only recently picked up some Savage Sword and the like.  I was hoping for the best, when I'd heard about this new movie.  It's a sad shame. 

Urgh. Time for my annual sobbing over the failed "Red Nails" animated feature.

I was sort of "mostly OK" with Milius' film (it helped that, some years before, my geek friends and I had fan-cast William Smith as Conan), but (at least in my case) what attracted my adolescent self to Howard wasn't just the blood n guts (though it surely helped), but the vividly depicted settings, weird, indelible images (jeweled towers, rooms full of langorous dope fiends... and somehow, the very notion of Thak creeped me out every bit as much as anything Lovecraft ever created), and his very personal vision of political, and sexual, power games. And while Milius clearly intended some of this, the finished film plays it all as flat as Arnold's performance: all in all, OK, but not a huge favorite.

But my guess is that it will look like Raiders of the Lost Ark by comparsion with this thing.

Barf.

As "luck" would have it I was watching the Skyrim trailer moments before this. It just put the poor, poor job they did in a much sharper focus.

If the casting of a TV actor and the hiring of the ever terrible Nispel didn't tell you it was going to be garbage, this sure sealed the deal. Jesus!

I saw this asspiss "teaser" before Battle: Los Angeles. I just sat there with a frown on my face and shook my head at how stupid it looked. They really need to put out a real trailer before all the bad buzz about the teaser sinks this movie completely. The trailer should be nothing but money shots of Stephen Lang. That would make me want to go see it.

If it was any other character, I'd swear this was a spot for a SyFy flick. Just awful. I have to agree with the "dead out of gate," comment - especially since this is Pg-13, yes? And you people can defend Conan the Destroyer all you want, but that pile of shit was not helped in the least by its PG-13 rating. Milius' version, however far from the source material, understood that Conan wasn't about spared blood and boobs.

I don't know if it'll eventually get trimmed, but I think this was shot as an R rated movie. 

No way it's released as one. No way. Maybe an unrated DC for DVD, but the theatrical release will be PG-13. And from the looks of it, only a lot of great kills and skin could make this even remotely watchable.

Well the guy who wrote THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER and HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (and this movie) says CONAN is an R film and the studio is aware of that.

http://ramascreen.com/exclusive-interview-screenwriter-sean-hood-talks-about-conan-the-barbarian/

That's the Gold Stamp of Quality right there!

And he was brought on to rewrite a script that was written by the people who gave us A SOUND OF THUNDER and SAHARA.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stelios 

Barf.

 

As "luck" would have it I was watching the Skyrim trailer moments before this. It just put the poor, poor job they did in a much sharper focus.

Max Von Sydow for the muthafuggin WIN. Even Milius knew it.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by wadew1 

Well the guy who wrote THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER and HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (and this movie) says CONAN is an R film and the studio is aware of that.

 

http://ramascreen.com/exclusive-interview-screenwriter-sean-hood-talks-about-conan-the-barbarian/

Quote:

Originally Posted by wadew1 

And he was brought on to rewrite a script that was written by the people who gave us A SOUND OF THUNDER and SAHARA.

Then to hell with you. Crom laughs at your shitty screenwriter "pedigrees".

Quote:

Originally Posted by wadew1 

Well the guy who wrote THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER and HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (and this movie) says CONAN is an R film and the studio is aware of that.

 

http://ramascreen.com/exclusive-interview-screenwriter-sean-hood-talks-about-conan-the-barbarian/

We can all name films that were shot as Rs but were edited and released as PG/PG-13. I don't have faith that the studio won't blink and go for a bigger initial audience with a lower rating.

It won't be as awesome as this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 
We can all name films that were shot as Rs but were edited and released as PG/PG-13. I don't have faith that the studio won't blink and go for a bigger initial audience with a lower rating.

I'm sure it could happen (especially if the budget is really 90 million?), but Lionsgate and Nu Image have a good track record when it comes to keeping their R movies rated R.

What's a Conan movie without Basil Poledouris' score? Seriously I'm not one to gush over film soundtracks, but fuck me if Poledouris didn't compose one of the best film scores ever for Millius' film. I've been a huge fan of Milius' Conan The Barbarian since I was a kid. It's one of the best fantasy films out there, and Arnold leaves a huge impression through sheer physical presence alone. Say what you will about the guy, but there aren't many actors who can do that.

Milius' film had a sense of scope, gorgeous cinematography, one of the best film scores ever, Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max Von Sydow and Sven Ole Thorsen. There's no way this film can compete with that. 

I'm curious if anyone who watched that trailer really imagines that an "R" rating would be enough to redeem this; for me, that goober could be lopping off guys' heads and nuts right left and sideways, with buckets o' blood everywhere, and I doubt I'd buy a minute of it, but that's just me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joseph P. Brenner 

It won't be as awesome as this.

 

 

Holy shit, between Conan's need to avenge his murdered family "reverse the spell of living stone" by slaughtering the shit out of driving the snake people "to another dimension", and Conan's happy multiracial band of sidekicks, I'm still laughing. "Men of Eternia! Fight to the death, but don't hurt anyone!"

Man, Conan the Adventurer kicked off my Saturday mornings for most of my remembered childhood, bright and early at 6am. Imagine my shock and surprise (and yeah, slight disappointment) when there weren't evil serpent men being vanquished into another dimension with his sword made out of star metal in the actual movie.

This trailer looks like absolute piss. Is there a wise cracking phoenix being summoned out of a shield? NO THANKS THEN.

yea. I'm a die hard Conan fan and that was horrible.

Well, I'm going back to my books and comics and Arnie version of the Character.

I get that it's more of an annoucnement thing, letting people who don't read movie websites everyday know that a new Conan is coming, but by-Crom is that the best they could come up with? Could've used a little of the vibe that 'skullstander' poster gave off

What I find amusing and puzzling is that they're using the same sword from the Arnie movies, in some sort of oblique stab at continuity.

That was horrible but I still have ridiculously, blindly optimistic hope. It comes from nothing. Is based on nothing. I just need a good Conan film in my life. I need it more than I realised until I was watching that teaser like some hopeless junkie still lost in the depths of denial ("It could still be good! it could still be good!!!!").

A shithouse Conan movie will send him back to the cinematic netherworld for at least another generation - and I aint getting any younger. 

I'll sacrifice a virgin.  I'll take the heart of the elephant to save Yag-Kosha and destroy Yara. Solve the riddle of steel. Anything.

Just give me a watchable film.

Well, Rachel Nichols is in this. So I guess they'll be eye candy tit shots.

RIGHT? RIGHT?

Judging by that teaser the studio obviously has zero faith in the film.

It's a shame that the rest of the film will be shit, because from his appearance to the one line reading at the end, Mamoa's version of Conan looks much closer to the source material.  He sounds better, he looks muscled and traveled without resembling an articulated wax figure, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 

What I find amusing and puzzling is that they're using the same sword from the Arnie movies, in some sort of oblique stab at continuity.

The sword is different, it's similar-looking, but it's different. Also, there are stills out there where Momoa has a completely different sword. I want to say that the title baffles me, but it doesn't, I get it. Aside from a similar inciting incident (the genocide of the Cimmerian people) the logline suggests that this is an "original" story with the title being liffted from the original film purely for branding purposes. Calling it just Conan would probably seem too bland, and calling it someting like Conan the Conqueror or somesuch shit would probably lead people to the conclusion that this was a direct sequel with a recast lead.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JacknifeJohnny 


The sword is different, it's similar-looking
 

Yeah, you're right. It looks similar - and in the promo material dated 2009, it was the Atlantean sword used.

Quote:

Yeah it's a different sword. But he seems to carrying the same one in every still I've seen. 

**actually I looked at the smokey teaser and I think he's carrying a different sword when he does his fancy-schmancy twirl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by felix 

Well, Rachel Nichols is in this. So I guess they'll be eye candy tit shots.

 

RIGHT? RIGHT?

High-5!

Speaking of casting, Rose McG managed to sneak into a RE Howard flick after all... LOL