SURPRISE! THE THREE-D MUSKETEERS LOOKS TERRIBLE

Yup, that's exactly what I thought a Paul W.S. Anderson Three Musketeers movie would look like.

Dear god.

I started laughing out loud at how shitty this looks. The chick that plays D'Artagnan looks cute though.

I'm torn on choosing between the airship flying over the palace, or Jovovich sliding down underneath what looks like booby-trapped bullet walls as the worst shot in the movie.

I must have bad taste or something because I didn't think it looks THAT bad.

Same here. Looks like they are going for a Steampunk look this time around.

Why does the Three Musketeers need to be steampunk though? Shit, one of the problems I've always had is the frequency of the book adaptions to either ignore large chunks of the story or just make up elements whole cloth.

Why doesn't Anderson just stop making shitty movies and spend all of his time sticking it in Milla's orifices?

 

God that looks so fucking hilariously terrible. I am kind of intrigued though. I'm not intrigued enough to actually see the thing (I learnt my lesson with PW Anderson a long time ago) but I'll probably go all joeypants over negative reviews. 

I'm with Evi. I didn't think it looked terrible, and with that cast, I'm willing to maintain a modicum of interest.

 

Whether that translates into being willing to shell out money (as opposed to waiting for the DVD to hit my local library) remains to be seen.

 

Nothing's going to top the Lester version, though.

The three musketeers seem like they have a decent rapport, but everything else (standard Paul Anderson slo mo crap, d'artagnan) looks terrible.

If anyone still has hope for Anderson making a genuinely entertaining film that doesn't rely on his usual bag of tricks and the tired steampunk re-interpretation after the shot of the slo-mo jump at the end with the fire roaring in the background, then you're a sorry bastard indeed.

 

And, oh look, the trailer wants to remind us that it was SHOT IN 3D for the best 3D shot orgy possible.  Bad omen, that.

SOmehow I don't think that RIchard Lester has to worry about Anderson's film overthrowing  his films..or film, since Lester version was shot as a Three Hour EPic, and split into two films at the last minute....as being the best screen version of the Dumas classic.

ANderson actually did a pretty good job of casting, but the film will still be terrible.

Let's take one of the world best loved adventure stories and screw it up, throwing in some badly done Jules Verne stuff to try to bring in the Steampunk crowd. Nice going,guy.

Lester certainly brough his own style and vision to the story, but he had huge respect for the Dumas novel...Lester knew good material when he saw it. Anderson does not have a fucking clue.

But... but... Ray Stevenson...

Man, he must have really fallen out of favor with movie-goers because I hadn't heard anywhere that Michael Cera was playing D'Artagnan.

I must be nuts because I think this looks just bugshit crazy enough to be fun.  And I'm someone who hasn't enjoyed an Anderson film since I saw Mortal Kombat in theaters at age 10.

 

Then again, I did pay to see Sucker Punch last night and look how that turned out.

Oh god,I thought they'd banned dudalb.

The Three Musketeers as a film of...High Adventure, will...Easilly top any previous version.  I cannot wait to see this new 3D version of...Dumas, Classic!

 

I'm actually now leaning towards bullet wall scene. If only because I'm so absolutely done with Milla Jovovich as action heroine.

For me, it looks terrible because of context.  It just looks like it's so desperately trying to look stylish and cool that it's a turn-off.  That it's from WS doesn't help.  

 

If I'm being as objective as I can, the footage looks kinda cool.  I'd dig it if I was exactly the same person I was when I was excited for Romeo Must Die.  I learned my lesson there...

ROMEO MUST DIE works a little better on second watch, now that you know it won't be great.  And it largely looks better than this does.  This looks like a complete mess with every good thing hindered by something that looks like crap.

Romeo Must Die also featured the world's most delightful football match ever.

ROMEO MUST DIE is masterful compared to CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE (which admittedly does have a truly delightful performance from Mark Dacascos as the main villain). I'd say the only thing letting it down is a decent final confrontation. 

 

With the trailer I think if ANYONE other than W Anderson was directing this I might be interested. Steampunk invariably doesn't work in films as it is and I somehow don't think that Anderson will break that streak, but I'm kind of a geek for the look of that stuff. 

I have no issue with a heavily stylized adaptation of something that's been adapted a million times, the "steampunk" or whatever that was supposed to be, is not a problem, but this looks like garbage irrespective of style. Also, if I got into a wreck an hour from now, it would be the second worse thing that happened to me today, right behind seeing that kid playing D'Artagnan.

 

 

Frankly at this point I'd much rather sit down to the '93 Stephen Herek version than this fucking technicolored vomit, let alone Lesters iteration. Anderson at this point has become for me Michael fucking Bay with less visual flair. Cinematic herpes.

This looks like Van Helsing part 2.

Except theres no monsters.

Great.  Now I wanna watch Romeo Must Die.

Am I the only one who liked The Musketeer just a little?

 

It's got a crappy story. But the HK style swordfights were nice to watch.

It's alright, I suppose. Despite the HK-actioning up of the fights, they still could have been shot better.

The thought process that results in Milady De Winter and undoubtedly Cardinal Richelieu engaging in wire-fu swordfights in a supposed Three Musketeers adapatation is bafflingly alien to me. How the hell do you end up at that? This looks both too nuts and not nuts enough.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall at one of Anderson's or one of his ilk's script writing sessions.

Hangover 2 is going to have to be pretty fuckin funny to beat this in terms of most laughs per minute for 2011.

 

"We're warriors ...

 

  ... it's who we aaaah."

Imagine Johnny Depp played one of the Musketeers in this. 750 million+ guaranteed.

 

And I like Romeo Must Die. It has the wackiest make belief of a romance ever. You never once believe Aaliyah and Jet Li would make a couple, but they have so much fun behaving like that it's actually entertaining.

Ohh there are monsters alright.

 

This and Stelios posts are gold. Screw you filmgoers! Watch The Count Of Monte Cristo it will wash this turd out of your brain.

Alongside RDJ as another Musketeer... ;)

 

This trailer? Hahahahahaha.

 

With that said, I'll watch it on DVD (I'll never get that BO $ back for RE4). Explosions + Steampunk? Where else were they supposed to go? Like Holmes, the story's been adapted so many times that a straight adaptation is pointless.

 

OBloom's a villain in this? Interesting turn.
 

 

Thing is, if they wanted to do a steampunk retelling, they should've DONE a steampunk retelling, not just shoved random steampunk bullshit into what's going to otherwise be a straight retelling, sans moments of complete and utter bullshit. It's there because that's all Anderson knows how to do, throw shit in that "looks cool." It probably wouldn't piss me off so much if his budgets didn't keep getting bigger, and people didn't keep defending him (or clinging to this nostalgic memory that Mortal Kombat was a good movie.)

 

This isn't "Steampunk Three Musketeers," it's "Three Musketeers with a steampunk flying ship because YOU'LL TAKE WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU'LL LIKE IT." And fuck that.

Exactly what I was saying. Both too nuts and not nuts enough.

 

 

Fair enough!
 

 

Saw this for free on a long flight.  It's quite bland, but there are some moments of high-flying adventure with the airships.  I didn't mind that they didn't look great.  That, and Orlando Bloom was hilarious. He's hamming it up something fierce and is loving it.  Still, the part isn't significant enough to make much of a mark.  

So Tarantino was nuts.

Actually, the final fight between Aniston and Mikkelsen was put together pretty well.  After a lot of the fancy dancing in the earlier swordfights, it felt suitably dangerous and rough for the hero.  Of course, the fight ends with a whimper.

A swordfight between Jennifer Anniston and Mads Mikkleson? I'd watch that.

Sorry.

Aniston? Am I missing something?

The photoshopping of the kid on the poster makes him look like Aniston

The awesome breasts that Gabriella Wilde had was a small saving grace for me.

 

Good point. Oh,and now I understand why Tarantino liked it. Christoph Waltz is in it.

In the wrong fucking role. I've been saying this from the time he was cast. He should have been Aramis. He would have been the best Aramis in the history of cinema.