Chewer Progress Report 2011

This is the annual update to a prior thread. Report below and I'll evaluate you for the year prior to the return of my Dark Lord.

Parker is continuing to make great strides in the Community. If he can watch his aggressive sexual advances in the Video Games forum, he'll remain streets ahead.

Rene does well to keep the B-Movie Crew in line. However, I fear that he's starting to slip into what the psych team called his Alternate Personality. Doctor Francis Malum gave me a list of symptoms to watch for, but I fear that I'm too late. I can only hope that the sedatives will calm his rage when the dark times begin.

Ratty has grown into an adventurous young woman during my time at CHUD. The stories I hear about how Ratty used to ask God about why she didn't get her period before her friends was truly heartbreaking. Now, she's got a bloody vagina and the spirit of a champion. Kudos.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucho 

This is going to hurt.

Bucho apparently comes from New Zealand. That's the country that doesn't have to identify itself as the Land down Under. However, Bucho still refuses to confess to his role in the Dresden Bombings. Hiding his true age from the International Legal System has made him a bit of a cult hero at CHUD, but I know better. Currently, Bucho is being targeted by MOSSAD.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cameron Hughes 

I'm brave, evaluate the hell out of me.

Having survived three back-to-back tours in Vietnam, Cameron return to the world rattled by the horrors he saw. His time at CHUD has been spent working with the others to come to terms with what he was forced to do there. Realizing that he doesn't have to fear another V.C. attack, Cameron has become an active member of the boards and stimulates a lot of conversation. Only time will tell, if he'll have another episode.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dave Jarvie 

banzai?

Shies away from conversation in our group settings. I've tried using the inkblots with Mr. Jarvie with no success. I'm contemplating Electro-Convulsion Therapy with David. I fear that he's slipping away from us at an alarming rate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hammerhead 

I can explain everything.

When I first handed the doll to Hammerhead, he kept touching its rear and giggling. I asked him what this meant and he started to screaming something about The Milkman. Not understanding what this meant, I asked him to draw a picture of the Milkman. I didn't expect to see a large nippled Wilford Brimley crying a river of blood. I fear for the young man's sanity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Merriweather 

Hit me with it, Caruso.

Won't stop biting the others. I told him that if he ever breaks skin, we'll have to send him to the special people site. Merriweather promised me that he won't do it again. I would like to believe him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evi 

Well everybody else is doing it...

It's ok to love your pets, Evi. Just quit sticking thinks in their loveholes. You know better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NathanW 

If I'm going to get evaluated, it might as well be by you.

Nathan is doing much better. He rarely cries in the bathroom anymore and he doesn't fear the clown in the storm drain. I'll give it a year before we can let him leave under his own power.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Judas Booth 

Do you take bribes?

One of my favorite inmates. Once he stopped pissing in the Soup Du Jour, he became a model prisoner. Kudos.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattioli 

Evaluate this! *grabs crotch*

Inmate #24560292 refused to stop touching his genitals in public. Recommendation: Chemical Castration.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ Dylan 

Give it to me baby, uh huh uh huh

Dylan has been recovering from his attack earlier this year with flying colors. The face tattoo is now quite charming, but I wish they would've spelled LADYBOY correctly. Nothing worse than being branded a male whore with a typo on your face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 

I'm confident I've made great strides since my previous evaluation. Summarize me!

Michael M died on the first of March. Other inmates have taken to claiming his identity as their own, after the young man was found face down in the communal showers. Local gossip places his murder at the hands of a ravenous Uncle Mitch. No one has seen this Uncle Mitch, but they swear he stalks these hallowed halls.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobby Bear 

Alright, let's do this.

Bobby Bear aka Irish Pete aka Muddy Balls Maybelle aka Chuck Berry's Twat has been making great strides in his recovery. A few more beatings and he'll shed some more personalities.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erix 

Ok. I'll Play.

This inmate has done well since his transfer from La Isla de Sodomia. He's taken up with the local gangs and he's fast on his way to becoming a homicidal superstar. I just pray that the others don't find out about his glass unicorn collection. The last inmate that collected that kind of stuff was found in the cafeteria, the showers and finally the laundry room. Poor Poor Ed Hocken. Will Erix learn the lesson that you had to learn so brutally?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justin Clark 

Show me your moves.

 

Justin had risen from the ranks of night shift guard to Cafeteria supervisor over the last year. He turned a blind eye from Judas pissing in the soup, since he brought his lunch everyday. What he didn't realize was that the institution has recently been delving into his psych file. Somebody likes to wear garters and shit standing up. We'll be watching Justin Clark's career with great interest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The K Man 

"Do me!" he cried, unaware of its wretched connotations.

The term prison bitch gets thrown around so loosely anymore. But, when I saw the medics stitch up K Man's rectum...I learned that the title had its place. Poor K Man. Poor K Man's rectum. You deserved better than having to use the bathroom through a tube for the rest of your days.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken Savage 

I'm in like Flynn.

Ken Savage died in the yard.

There were no witnesses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A-Pathetic 

The road to recovery starts with a single step...

When A-Pathetic was delivered to the infirmary, the nurses wept upon seeing his mangled form. Engine Joe and the Mechanics found A-Pathetic down in the motor pool, playing with a vice grip. Engine Joe didn't like others touching his things, so the Mechanics were ordered to give a full overhaul to A-Pathetic's chassis. This of course resulted in blunt force trauma with a side of rape.

When Dr. Hatchet and the nurses did all they could for Mr. A-Pathetic...I walked over to him and tried to shine a light in what I hoped was his left eye. He begged me to kill him, but I declined. You're going to live through this, I told him. You're going to become a model prisoner.

The A-Pathetic Memorial Park is expected to open in Spring 2012.

Jacob Singer was a mean ol' man. Having spent the last century behind bars, he was often heard yelling at the others for touching his vittles. Even when Old Man Singer had no vittles, he would swear at the other inmates. In session one day, Jacob offered to share a map he drew of a land that existed beyond a Chinaman's tears. Not knowing what he meant, I humored him. 

This lead to a police stand-off at a local dry cleaning service. I still don't know how he drugged me or brought my ass to Koreatown, all I know is that he did with a ballpoint pen and gumption. When Old Man Singer made his final stand against the police, I wondered if he knew what he was doing. The dying glimmer in the Old Man's eye, seemed to tell me that he wanted out and this was the only way he knew how to escape this life.

Unfortunately, the police merely tasered him. This normally doesn't kill a man, but the lead cords struck Singer's pacemaker and made him jump up to 88 beats per minute. A flash of light and a burst of flame followed, as Old Man Singer went up like a roman candle. Where Old Man Singer was going, they don't need roads.