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Depression

post #1 of 1291
Thread Starter 

Such a motherfucker.

post #2 of 1291

Seriously. Condolences and good thoughts for you Mr.Merriweather.

post #3 of 1291

Tell me about it.

 

But on the flip-side, Pills: so fucking awesome.

post #4 of 1291

Yup. When it comes to depression, going to a doctor and getting some medication cannot be overestimated. It's ridiculous how much proper treatment helps. 

post #5 of 1291
Thread Starter 

Oh, I have the little magic things. Just having a down day.

post #6 of 1291

You went into the spider-cricket thread, didn't you?

post #7 of 1291
Thread Starter 

;__;

post #8 of 1291

sorry to hear that, mate.

 

hope you´re feeling a bit better by now... just don´t let it get to you. I went through a serious bout of this last year, lost about 14kg (28 pounds, give or take), but got treated and now I´m doing great.

 

we´re here for you, man!

 

cheers!

post #9 of 1291

It's been five months now. I haven't had the money to seek treatment, though I have seen random free support suppliers. When I was younger I thought I knew how it felt, but I had no idea. It's like your heart has a bottom floor, and you only feel it during depression because you sense it completely fall down an elevator shaft. Almost nothing makes me smile anymore.

 

Get well, Andrew.

post #10 of 1291
Thread Starter 

It's something I've been living with for a looong time - the shitty days just ebb and flow like the tide. I can't believe the state of mental healthcare in the U.S. This is the primary issue that the Democrats should be hammering healthcare opponents with. Forget broken legs and whatnot for a second - there is no strong, stable, well-funded system in place to help anybody suffering from mental illness. Unbelievable.

post #11 of 1291
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Merriweather View Post

It's something I've been living with for a looong time - the shitty days just ebb and flow like the tide. I can't believe the state of mental healthcare in the U.S. This is the primary issue that the Democrats should be hammering healthcare opponents with. Forget broken legs and whatnot for a second - there is no strong, stable, well-funded system in place to help anybody suffering from mental illness. Unbelievable.

Might be a lost cause. Convincing politicians that something that's always been around is actually a problem is impossible, given the fact that they toss words around like "entitlements." God knows I have a hard enough time convincing the people around me that what I feel is a genuine condition.
 

 

post #12 of 1291
For some weird reason even though a number of other mental illnesses have been popularly accepted as such, depression seems to still be widely considered as something that you can grind your teeth and get through. Which, once you see someone close to you both suffer and then get better with proper treatment, is complete bullshit.
post #13 of 1291

I had a running diagnosis of chronic depression for 12 years. I know how it feels, and I'm so sorry, man. Best of luck to you, and stelios is right: medication helps a lot.

 

I'm proud of myself for working through it without medication, but I'll be the first to say it's a fluke, and look how long it took going without. I still struggle with it from time to time, but I've found that meditation helps a lot. It's not for everyone, obviously, but hey.

post #14 of 1291
Pills are fine and dandy, but until we fully understand just what they are doing to our brain chemistry over time, I would consider them a last resort.

One of the main problems with depression is that is feeds on itself, sapping your energy and making you feel inert. I have seen people in these "ruts" that last for months, if not years. It sounds like you're just having a down day, which is a different beast entirely, but if you are ever in the downward spiral, it is vitally important to try to take ONE small step to change your daily routine. It doesn't need to cost anything. Go to a library, volunteer somewhere, call a help line, but DO something different. Small, incremental steps can help tremendously.
post #15 of 1291


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron W View Post

Pills are fine and dandy, but until we fully understand just what they are doing to our brain chemistry over time, I would consider them a last resort.

One of the main problems with depression is that is feeds on itself, sapping your energy and making you feel inert. I have seen people in these "ruts" that last for months, if not years. It sounds like you're just having a down day, which is a different beast entirely, but if you are ever in the downward spiral, it is vitally important to try to take ONE small step to change your daily routine. It doesn't need to cost anything. Go to a library, volunteer somewhere, call a help line, but DO something different. Small, incremental steps can help tremendously.


Yeah, unless your speaking from own personal experience with depression, this is a pretty tangential grasp of the problem. You speak as if resolving the underlying issue is a matter of will. It isn't. You really think people who are dealing with this problem aren't trying, incrementally, to function normally to the best of their abilities every day?

 

Granted, diagnosable depression is wide spectrum of varying severities & I can't speak to the individual cases you've had contact with. But I've been wrestling with 'severe clinical depression' since the age of 10. After years of denying the problem (while still suffering the effects of it) & doing everything I could to retain daily normality, the only thing that allowed to me any sort of positive traction was meds. Specifically, SSRI's.

 

In my experience, the big 'D' is akin to being stuck on the shear side of a mountain face, holding tight as much as possible by the tips of my fingers. Daily activity, work, relationships, life in general is like bellowing wind that constantly threatens to blow you off. The function of meds is to provide you with better crevices with which you can better pull yourself up the face toward functionality.


Edited by Art Decade - 4/13/11 at 11:45am
post #16 of 1291
You are absolutely correct when you say there are varying severities of the disease, and no, I don't mean to imply that any true depressive can just "get over it." My apologies for not being more clear. I would not deign to speak on the issue without having had my own personal struggle with it.

As far as meds go, in some cases they are exactly what is called for, but some people with depression approach them as quick-acting panacea, when in fact it can take months of trial and error to find the pill that will help them. The danger then is that the patient expects too much too fast and becomes even more discouraged when the treatment does not show immediate results.

My point is that depression sometimes leads us to withdraw from the world at large, and in extreme cases, from the very people who can help us most. It is a constant struggle to get up and keep moving. In a sense, I guess that aspect of it is a matter of will.
post #17 of 1291



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Art Decade View Post


 


Yeah, unless your speaking from own personal experience with depression, this is a pretty tangential grasp of the problem. You speak as if resolving the underlying issue is a matter of will. It isn't. You really think people who are dealing with this problem aren't trying, incrementally, to function normally to the best of their abilities every day?

 

Granted, diagnosable depression is wide spectrum of varying severities & I can't speak to the individual cases you've had contact with. But I've been wrestling with 'severe clinical depression' since the age of 10. After years of denying the problem (while still suffering the effects of it) & doing everything I could to retain daily normality, the only thing that allowed to me any sort of positive traction was meds. Specifically, SSRI's.

 

In my experience, the big 'D' is akin to being stuck on the shear side of a mountain face, holding tight as much as possible by the tips of my fingers. Daily activity, work, relationships, life in general is like bellowing wind that constantly threatens to blow you off. The function of meds is to provide you with better crevices with which you can better pull yourself up the face toward functionality.



I have to say, I agree with you. Last year there were a couple weeks when I couldn´t even muster the energy to go to work. I only started bouncing back up when I began proper chemical treatment (read: pills). However, I don´t think pills alone do the trick. In my opinion, they are an absolutely crucial part of the treatment, but with me they were more like a way to cure the symptoms so the disease could be properly treated. But yeah, they´ve done me loads of good and still do.

 

post #18 of 1291

Was diagnosed with Major Depression in high school, and have been battling rapid cycling bipolar disorder since 2005, and its a fucking BITCH. I see both a psychiatrist and a therapist every month, and am on a few different medications. There are days where I feel fine, days where I dont want to see the sunlight I'm so depressed, and manic days. The medication I'm taking helps make the mood swings not so bad, but they still do happen.

post #19 of 1291

I’ve had some form of depression since I can remember, and it progressed as I got older.  I’ve been on several forms of medication, but I never stayed on them long enough for them to take effect or I’d abuse them.   About a year ago, I began having problems that I knew were beyond depression; I was eventually diagnosed as having a milder form of disorganized schizophrenia.  I was told the illness could have been brought on by years of untreated depression and anxiety.   Mental illness runs rampant in my mom’s family so I could have picked up a gene somewhere.   

post #20 of 1291

I'm undiagnosed and not on meds, but about 95% sure I'm bi-polar to some degree. Depression is indeed a motherfucker, and outweighs the manic to a large degree.

 

Problem with meds for me, is I can't take pills with any sort of regularity. I've tried pretty much everything(alarms, sticky notes, etc), but I just can't remember to take them at a scheduled time. Of all the times I've taken antibiotics, I think I've correctly taken them maybe 3 times. 

post #21 of 1291

Mine's more of an anxiety (which can end up depressing) issue, but I (as an allergy sufferer) read this article recently that made a bit of sense...

Sad in the spring? Allergy-mood link is real

post #22 of 1291
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Merriweather View Post

Such a motherfucker.



Motherfucker, motherfucker I may be but the mother I've been fucking ain't kin to me.  That cheer you up? Probably not but it's a shitty hand to be dealt and I commiserate right there with you.  I went through the same thing recently but it can and does get better. I'm not saying that will happen for you (mostly because I'm not a lying asshole) but it does happen and all things do pass eventually.

 

Depression is a tricky bitch goddess of gloom and there were times I honestly wanted to just drive my car to the ocean and walk out into the water but I found things that helped me overcome a bit.  I know a lot of this is biochemistry, genetics and sciency stuff but what helped me (in addition to my family and friends) was finding solace in the fact that somewhere out there was some poor, sorry bastard worse off than me and I should truly appreciate what I had in my life no matter how shitty things got or how much I seemed to fuck up things around me or myself.

 

Maybe that works and maybe that doesn't. Every person's gotta find their own answers eventually but you're not alone Andrew.  Good luck.

post #23 of 1291

If I didn't have a daughter, I probably would off myself.  I'll always feel alone and disappointed with life.

 

It blows to feel like your life is so inexorable.

post #24 of 1291

Drown yourself in what you love. That's all any of us can do.

post #25 of 1291


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by C.S. Lewis Jr. View Post

If I didn't have a daughter, I probably would off myself.  I'll always feel alone and disappointed with life.

 

It blows to feel like your life is so inexorable.


I don't struggle with chronic depression or other mental illness, but your first sentence really struck a chord. The low point of my life came in January,  2009, and the biggest reason I didn't walk off a 15 story roof was my daughters' faces in mind.

 

I've since climbed up and out, and as I said, it was a situational thing, not a constant condition. But know you're not alone, even if you feel it. Reach out. Find support groups. Find a therapist with a shitload of experience in dealing with depression and/or schizophrenia.

 

We want you around, man.

 

post #26 of 1291

battling this bitch at the moment.

 

Winston Churrchill described his as a black dog.  Mine is like a small version of me on my shoulder constatntly whispering 'you're not good enough'

 

fucking hate, hate, hate it.  It  brings all my insecurities to the fore which pushes my nearest and dearest away.

 

post #27 of 1291

Andy, the one on my shoulder pretty much says "YOU SUCK" all the time, then occasionally flip-flops to "YOU SIR, ARE A BADASS!".

 

I took a giant road trip, by myself, to get away from depression, basically. One I'm still on and has lasted about twice as long as I had planned on. Now I have a ton of debt to look forward to, yay!

Plus column? I feel great. Hopefully this isn't a short-term remedy(most likely it is), but I can't recommend a vacation of sorts enough, even if it's not everyone's cup o' tea. The new perspective you get on things when you're away from them for a while can be great. Now if only I could have stuck to my plan of not using my cell and staying off the internet, it would have gone even better, I feel.

 

I'm lucky though, in the sense that I'm not tied down with work or family at my "old" age(I'm 33). I realize not everyone can do something like that on a whim.

post #28 of 1291

Depression is something I've tangoed with for the past 9 years.  I've have a mild form that I've been able to deal with, with counseling and exervise, but the last year has been hell.  I started having strange health problems with my stomach, and due to my shitty ass health insurance I was never able to get the treatment I needed at the time.   I've also struggled with anxiety my whole life, and when my health issues started, my anxiety took off.  I started having panic attacks, and my depression got worse.  There was probably a two month period earlier this year where I couldn't leave the bedroom except for work.  I'd go to work, come home, and just lay in my bed.  Anytime I would be forced to do something, I'd have a panic attack and beleive I was dieing.  Couldn't breathe, felt like I was having a heart attack, the only thing that would make me feel fine was just laying in my bed.  Shit got so bad, that even driving to work and back would become as frightening as going off to war for me.  I'd sweat, and my heart would race.  I sometimes had to pull over 5 or 6 times just so I could get out of my car, and walk around (my job is 16 minutes from my house).  All this just added to my depression.  I would sometimes get so mad, I'd just yell at myself, telling myself to knock it the fuck off. 

Finally, I sucked it up, and went to my doctor and told him about what I was dealing with.  Besides depression, I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder).  After trying some drugs, like Lexapro and xanax (for panic attacks), I found prozac was the best solution for me.  Mixed with counseling, my depression has been brought back down to managable levels.  I still struggle with the occasional panic attack and sense of unreality, but it's not daily like it was, maybe once a month at this point. 

I used to be one of the jackasses that would get annoyed when people would talk about depression and other mental illnesses.  Telling them to just suck it up, and get over it, but it is not that simple.  It's almost like a patch of quick sand, the more you kick, and struggle to get out, the more you become sucked in

 

post #29 of 1291

Yeah anxiety is a bitch and a half too. A lot of people don't understand them and think they can just be willed away. Mind over matter and all that, but it's just not the case. I got so bad a few years ago that I was in a similar state, where it crept into my daily routine(driving being the worst). Luckly they went away for a good long while but now I have them again occasionally. No idea what changed to make them go away or come back.

Tried a few drugs, but with some the side-effects were too annoying, so I ended up on valium. They do the trick 95% of the time and I don't need to stay on a set "pill(s)-a-day-at-a-certain-time" schedule, which I'm awful at.

post #30 of 1291

Panic Attacks are a bitch to figure out.  The best method I was taught to deal with them, is to accept it.  For the longest time, i would "fight" an attack when i felt it coming on, and that's the thing that fuels panic attacks.  By fighting it, you are releasing adrenaline, and turning your body over to the "flight or fight" response.  When you think about what a panic attack is, it's basically your body going into "flight or fight" mode, but you are unable to end it.  So fighting it, just makes it that much worse.  What I do now, when one comes on, is I'll turn on calming music, and just let it happen.  It will last 20 seconds or so, and pass. 

The worst thing though, worse then panic attacks, is the sense of "unreality".  Where everything seems "unreal" to you, almost like you are walking in a dream.  Best cure for that, I found... go for a quick jog... ussualy slaps it out of my system.

 

I can't express how much exercise helps depression and anxiety.  It's not a cure all, but it's a big step in getting your body to where it should be. . 

post #31 of 1291

Sorry for all your troubles, guys. Hope they clear up soon... 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by NickP View Post

The worst thing though, worse then panic attacks, is the sense of "unreality".  Where everything seems "unreal" to you, almost like you are walking in a dream.  Best cure for that, I found... go for a quick jog... ussualy slaps it out of my system.

 

 

Yeah, that's called derealisation. It's actually something I've been suffering from full time for the past 5 years. Just came one day and never left. Sucked like hell but i've learned to live with it and even discovered a few advantages. 

post #32 of 1291

Full time?  Give you credit man, there is no way I could handle that.  It's frustrating to the 10th degree.  Mine comes and goes..... but never lingers more then a few hours. 

post #33 of 1291



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nexus-7 View Post

Andy, the one on my shoulder pretty much says "YOU SUCK" all the time, then occasionally flip-flops to "YOU SIR, ARE A BADASS!".

 

 



yup same for me.  Horrible.  The people that think they know me probably think I'm an arrogant twat but the people that really know me know that this is a million miles from the truth.

 

Dug out the skateboard in a bid to get over it but damn I'd forgotten how fit you need to be to skateboard.

 

At the moment my wife and kids are being legendary.  Have had some real deep chats with the wife, since my insecurities can feed hers, which helped no-end and the kids have just excelled themselves with giving their Dad the cuddles and love he needs.

 

Thankfully I've never suffered panic attacks, just crippling self doubts and hatred.

 

post #34 of 1291

All it took was a girl canceling a date and now I just want to jump from a tall height. I've been depression free, or close to it, for like a month, and it just came rushing back. I feel like any satisfaction I could've gained from the next few days (I'm very busy with a number of projects) just went out the fucking window. Joylessness returns.

post #35 of 1291
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabe T View Post

All it took was a girl canceling a date and now I just want to jump from a tall height. I've been depression free, or close to it, for like a month, and it just came rushing back. I feel like any satisfaction I could've gained from the next few days (I'm very busy with a number of projects) just went out the fucking window. Joylessness returns.


 

 


 

 

Heh. Been there. Maybe I am there.

 

Girls cancelling dates is part of life. Or ignoring you, or declining to go out with you after hitting it off (these are all part of everyone's life, right?). I can pretend none of it's happening and not even care about meeting girls and just throw myself into work, but all these lingering feelings don't go away. Or it'll take just one small thing to trigger a bad memory and I'll get depressed. And most likely you'll be a guy who does that kind of thing to girls, too, and you'll have your reasons.

 

I'm just curious, why'd the girl cancel? Is the date cancelled or just delayed?

post #36 of 1291

I've been outrunning the black eyed dog for seven weeks now but the bitch has been breathing down my neck and nipping at my heels the whole way. I'm finding the only things keeping her from my door are my two puppies and the fact I'm trying to concentrate on the new opportunities that have opened up for me in my surprise shift to singledom rather than concentrating on what I've lost.

 

That and I'm self medicating with marijuana. Yeah yeah I know but I had a choice between that or hard liquor to cushion my breakup fall and I knew on the booze I'd be in a depression hole I may not get out of, so I chose the fuzzier option.

post #37 of 1291
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Rain Dog View Post

I've been outrunning the black eyed dog for seven weeks now but the bitch has been breathing down my neck and nipping at my heels the whole way. I'm finding the only things keeping her from my door are my two puppies and the fact I'm trying to concentrate on the new opportunities that have opened up for me in my surprise shift to singledom rather than concentrating on what I've lost.

 

That and I'm self medicating with marijuana. Yeah yeah I know but I had a choice between that or hard liquor to cushion my breakup fall and I knew on the booze I'd be in a depression hole I may not get out of, so I chose the fuzzier option.

 

There's no easy answer. Just try not to sabotage yourself by losing sight of opportunities because you indulge thoughts of whatever bad stuff has been going on. Try to look at your whole situation as an opportunity, though I know that can seem like a cruel joke.
 

 

post #38 of 1291
Watch the weed Rain Dog. I'm pretty sure my current bout is due to being on it for the last six months.

Have now been quit for a week which has allowed me to actually converse properly with the wife and finally get my head out of my arse.

Having said that it's a good way of just shutting your brain the hell up for a while, but please be aware it can make the spiral steeper.

Nothing but love and support for my chewer brothers and sisters going through all this. Hope we can find the mental stability we all need.
post #39 of 1291

tried weed ONCE in my life, and it was the first time I had  a panic attack.  Can't say I'm a fan, lol.

post #40 of 1291

Everyone reacts to weed differently. You just need to have an idea of the effects it has on you and for god's sake DO NOT MIX IT WITH ANTIDEPRESSANTS!

post #41 of 1291

When i did it, I wasn't on any.  I was in my garage with my brother... smoked a joint.. and BOOM... major major panic attack.  I was running around flipping out, the neighbors throught I was having a heart attack, called 911... cops came, ambulance, firefighter... everyone.  It was an interesting night to say the least.  I'm all for peoeple doing what they want, but weed is not for me.  I perfer Whiskey.

post #42 of 1291

I don't smoke anymore, but the only real negative* with pot I see(if you're someone who doesn't get panic attacks, I do now), is that it can make you lazy. Staying busy fights off depression really well.

 

 

*other than legalities and all that poop.

post #43 of 1291

well a MASSIVE backwards step over the weekend as I lost the plot, pretty much continuously, at my nearest and dearest.


couldn't help it, couldn't stop it.  As Mr Bana's Banner said 'When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... I like it. ...'.

 

Naturally I feel tip top Jim fucking Dandy about myself now.  nothing says 'you are a cunt' like screaming at your 5 and 2 year old kids and making your wife break down in tears.

 

awesome
 

post #44 of 1291

I've always avoided doctors like the plague so I've never had any kind of diagnosis or treatment or medication. Often I wonder if there's even anything to diagnose, everyone gets down in the dumps at one stage or another etc, but if I'm honest with myself then yeah, I get visits from the dear old black dog myself. There have been times throughout my life where I've let the mask slip on occasion and poured things out to whoever was there (a slightly rum collection of folk, now I think about it - an art teacher, a tax inspector, a couple of times my mother or best friend, and recently someone I've only just met but kinda clicked with somehow) but most of the time I just mope about, soldier on stoicly and desperately try to find something, anything, to focus on and look forward to while I try and ride out the current low.

 

The last couple of years though, I've found it harder and harder to do so. Last June, I was pretty much set to finish it but went off for a wander, sat on Primrose Hill on a beautiful summer day for a couple of hours pondering things and decided to give life one last stab of it. I started going out more, made a bunch of new friends, stopped being the recluse I'd largely been for the previous 5 years, lost weight, started renting a flat of my own across town after a lifetime of sharing, gave it my all at work and got my boss eating out of my hand (gave me my best appraisal in, hell, ever). I have a great family, a reasonably steady and unstressful job that pays pretty well all things considered, a lovely bunch of friends who seem to dig me for some reason and a strange ability to get hot barmaids, baristas and random strangers to talk my ears off and handing out free coffees like they're going out of fashion. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and don't really want for anything...

 

 

..yet really I just want to end it right now because I honestly just can't face going on any longer. Of course, that just adds to my feeling of awfulness because - barring being terminally single - I know I have absolutely nothing to complain about at all, there are countless millions of people who go through and face truly terrible things every moment of each day; who have real, genuine problems to deal with and here I am literally crying over nothing. Hell, even among my friends, some have seen their marriages fail, lost their homes, their parents die or abandon them, or are just broke and living from day to day. When I do try to talk to someone about the way I feel, it's nigh on impossible to get the words out because the floodgates open, my throat becomes paralysed and I just spend the whole thing sobbing ridiculously and trying desperately to regain my composure.

 

The thing is, ultimately, I just don't seem able to take much joy in life any more. Throw in a crippling shyness, a fear of appearing impolite, a tendancy to over-analyse and a regularly mortifying sense of shame and leave to simmer in a stew of self-loathing for 20 odd years. I don't even really know why I hate myself so much, I just do. It's hilarious there are no doubt some really reprehensible people out there who have no problems looking at themselves in the mirror each day while I can't and just self-indulgently dwell over past mistakes endlessly and want to go at my throat with a pair of scissors. It's like I'm incapable of doing anything right (comedic case in point: the other night on a packed Tube, I offered my seat to a woman who looked a few months pregnant. Of course, she wasn't - just a heavy meal and an unflattering dress, apparently - but while my friends laughed like drains and the woman wryly said that it's going on Facebook, all I've been able to think about since was how horrible I must have made her feel, what if she gets a complex about it, what a goddamn idiot and horrible person I am. Sure, I can see the funny side too but I'm unable to focus on it).

 

Anyway, the upshot is it's gone 3am and here I am crying on the internet, internally debating with myself the best way to proceed, checking out prices and procedures at frickin' Dignitas and thinking about all the things I need to put in order before I call it a day because I just cannot face living any longer. Even so, it's safe to say I probably won't do it, not just yet. It would break my mother's heart and I couldn't have that on my conscience..! Or I'm just a coward. Most likely a bit of both.

 

Sorry to any of you that have read all this babbling. While I've always tried hard to follow the old adage 'never let them see you bleed' I just had to get it off my chest to someone, somewhere, for once and at least this way I can get the words out of my head and here - unlike the few other places online I tend to hang out - no one I know is likely to see this (ugh, this damnable sense of shame/fear of showing weakness thing). Hey, I'm all cried out now, hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow and find something else to focus on while I try and ride out this latest storm. There's always another carrot, right?

 

 

Good luck to you all, I hope your own struggles improve.

post #45 of 1291

Thanks for spilling your guts, Red. Your thoughts & feelings actually mirror my own quite a bit & it's actually kinda relieving to know that someone else lives with the same issues I do. With that, I thought I'd take the opportunity to talk a little bit about what's been at the forefront of my mind in recent months (I never speak about this stuff openly; it feels really undignified). Whether this might "help" or illuminate your own issue in some way, I don't know. All I'll say is that you're definitely not alone with regard to your thoughts.

 

I've been wrestling with clinical depression for 20 odd years, been hospitalized a couple times after attempts (last one was in 2000), been on & off meds, & have only gotten my mental bearings in the last 2-3 years.

 

I'm a musician in L.A. & my career (if it could be called that) has seen some middling highs but has mostly existed in non-starter mode. Crippling shyness, anxiety, & inability to connect with or navigate social behaviour has been my biggest hurdle. Involuntary anxiety often causes me to embarrass myself & for years I was called stupid & retard because of it. I was too shy to form a band (which is what I'd always meant to do) so I worked as a producer/songwriter for a few years behind the scenes.

 

A couple years ago, I finally got a handle on my social anxiety enough (Zoloft!) to try out potential bandmates & finally realize my lifelong ambition. Then I discovered a problem. A completely unexpected one. I don't get any joy or pleasure or fulfillment from playing or listening to music anymore. None. In fact, I don't get pleasure from anything. I feel like inert vapor & have for a while. I can't write music for shit because I can't recognize good ideas anymore; nothing moves me. And with that, my career (my life) is DOA.

 

Like you, I'm also terminally single (never had a girlfriend, which I don't understand since I'm a fit, good-looking, funny & fairly intelligent guy) & I think about killing myself every day. In fact, it's my B plan barring some miracle in the next 2-3 months. If I were to go to sleep tonight & never wake up, I'd be perfectly fine with that. I'm 35 &, really, I'm just tired of crashing in the same car & I see nothing but pointless, humiliating struggle in my future. I recognize that saying that might reek of self pity, particularly when you consider the burdens suffered by, ya know, everyone else on the planet but fuck it, these are real problems with real mechanisms & consequences in play. The only reason I'm not dead is because I still believe I can offer something of value with music. In the end, it's this gut feeling that keeps me in the game.

 

Neuro-chemical assistance & professional therapy aside, maybe caring for & building upon whatever small ember of life or pleasure or hope one has is the way to go? What the hell else can people do?

post #46 of 1291

Hang the fuck in there guys, PLEASE. Some advice:

 

a. Go get a rescue dog. Prepare to receive unconditional love.

 

b. Meditate, breathe, be still and calm, clear all those bullshit thoughts out

 

c. obvious maybe, but surround yourself with music, films, art etc anything that brings you real joy- for me this might include certain tracks by Stevie Wonder or some classic ZAZ productions, for you it could be something else

post #47 of 1291

Seriously, if it's plausible, that rescue dog idea is a fantastic one. I'm honestly terrified of where my head would be at right now without my two hairy boys.

post #48 of 1291

Seriously guys, you're making me want to cry here.

 

Firstly, Sentinel, the efficacy of treatment and meds cannot be overstated. I don't know why it is that you're avoiding getting help, maybe you're too proud or maybe you've got some horror stories in your head about how that sort of shit will effect you, but I suggest that at the very least you give it a go. I used to suffer from CRIPPLING social phobias, as in I couldn't enjoy myself around other people and had serious problems talking to women ie. still a virgin at 23... 3 weeks after getting on Zoloft I woke up one day and found out that this wasn't a problem anymore. I can't say that I'm suddenly happy 100% of the time, but at least my OCD tendencies and anxieties that stop me from being social don't bother me the way they used to. So seriously, give it a try and if it doesn't work out you're no worse off than when you started.

 

Other things, PETS, yes great idea. I'm not much of a dog guy but my cat makes me happier than I can say. Also, go exploring out of your comfort zone. For me personally, nothing reignites my zest for life better than travelling. You might imagine that this won't help one bit but do it anyway. It's being stuck in a rut and not moving in any direction that's the killer.

post #49 of 1291

Christ.

 

Whoever mentioned exercise is correct.  Buy a bike.  Go for a hard ride in a park for 45 mins or an hour 3 or times per week.  You will feel a lot better.   Or try something new.  Kickboxing is fantastic.  You will sleep a lot better and feel amazing.

post #50 of 1291

more ideas

 

-try volunteering, or in some other way helping others with their problems

 

-if it's been a while, go out and get laid

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