Originally Posted by Gabe T
By Christmas, when I'm alone in my apartment, I imagine it's just going to get a whole lot worse.
You may want to consider leaving your apartment and staying with family or friends or anyone, as loathe as you may be to take that action.
I suffer from depression, usually situational. I have a generally bleak worldview but I can stay a step removed from it and laugh at the cruel absurdity of it all for the most part, until something triggers me and it all changes in my head.
I am coming out of a pretty big depressive episode. My relationship was failing, I fell in with a bad group of individuals, I had a lot of negativity coming from said people (and myself), I was increasingly relying on drugs and alcohol to cope, and I was feeling stagnant at my job (I still am, to be honest). But when people looked at me they saw a young man gainfully employed and supporting himself, and thus someone with NO reason to feel bad. This only served to increase my feelings of isolation. I was told things like, "you're a man, so man up," and "snap out of it," and "lots of people have a lot less, walk a mile in their shoes," and so on. All salient points, I admit. But not what I needed to hear. Not just yet anyway. I think only once you begin recovery can you accept some of those types of thoughts.
I was also living alone in a loft in downtown LA at the time. I would work ten hours a day in a job I felt was totally unfulfilling and than return home to an empty, cold apartment. I would chain smoke, pace around, not return calls or answer the phone, and just try to idle away the hours on the Internet, usually until far past my bedtime. My relationships, even my closest ones, even ones I cherished, all gradually fell away. It was a strange thing and I'm still not sure why I did that. My sleep suffered (it always has but by this point I was literally staying up for days at a time) and I began having thoughts of suicide. Flinging myself out the window, opening my veins with a box cutter in the tub, etc. At this point, for the first time, I sought therapy.
Would you believe a lot of people in my life, including my immediate family, did not support this decision? It was as if they did not understand why I needed it. Or they didn't believe it could help. But I went and I realized that although an environment is just an environment, that apartment had become a bad place for me. It symbolized loneliness and substance abuse and all the negative shit that had happened to me in it. So I moved. Even though I loved the apartment itself and the location and the idea of having a place myself, I just had to get the Hell out of there. I stay with family, friends, my relationships are improving and markedly so is my mental health. It's a step.
But I knew I had to get the Hell out of there before winter actually set in. I didn't think I would make it. Sounds like you may be in a same boat. Just taking the step of looking for a new place might be enough to make you feel better. Never underestimate the importance of location. And never believe you have no options. I was told repeatedly I would have NOWHERE to go, by my own family even. But it worked out. It usually does if you make it. Don't resign yourself to being alone, especially in New York. If you were on a farm in the dead of winter in Wisconsin, it would be a bit harder. But you're in NY. You have options. :)