Depression - Page 4

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted in this thread.  Experiences, encouragement, bad days, all of it.  Thank you for sharing, it's helped me with my own depression.

 

I have a family that loves me, a place to live, a job, and all I can be most days is horribly depressed.  Self loathing about depression feeds it.  I've been on Lexapro for years, but the last two years have been really brutal.  Some of it is situational and environmental, but that doesn't cover it all.  The only times I feel good about myself are quick manic bursts.

 

I know I need to exercise regularly, I'm kinda pinning my hopes for a turnaround on that.

Hey man, keep fighting the good fight. Wrestling with the beast every single day is a hard business & recognizing the problem for what it is is the haymaker that keeps in the win.

My self loathing & searingly low self esteem have done quite a bit to fuck with my life over the years too. I haven't dated a girl seriously in over a decade (despite possessing the qualities that would attract them) because of an immediate emotional reaction to girls that like me where I'm disgusted by the fact that they would interested in ME. In the last couple years, I'd come to the realization that that dangerously low self-esteem was a symptom of the disease & not an absolute fact. To combat it, I've had to learn to be consciously objective with regard to my intrinsic self worth & not pay attention to how I FEEL about it.

My point is that, to battle daily depression, I've had to learn how to label what - in my head - is real & what are the perpetual destructive voices in my head. While it's the sickness in my brain that keeps telling me that I'm worthless & should hang myself every day, knowing that that is the point of origin of those thoughts is what keeps me in the game.

      Quote:

I'm not blowing smoke up your ass Art, sometimes I really think that between this and your movie stuff you should give writing a column on here a try. I don't really give a fuck what it's about, whether it's something like this or your thoughts on cinema but I would read it. I'm not saying I would agree with you all the time...but I'd read the fuck out if it.

 

Anyway, misery loves company so I'll add that I'm currently going through a nasty divorce. We've been separated for awhile so don't take all my whoring around with young ladies as too much of a poor show of my character. I find myself to be unusually placid lately, that is until I see my soon to be ex's lawyer's face. I have never despised a singular entity as much as that fellow. If there's any light or sense that we can come to some sort of agreement on anything this motherfucker sweeps it under the rug. I've scheduled some time with a mediator so hopefully she'll be on board and we can get this over with once and for all but holy fuck...waterboarding was made for certain people.

 

My mental state is surprisingly fresh, which is a bit of a gloom and doom since I'm always really high before a disgusting low point.

 

I really wish I could be more helpful in this thread but I'm wallowing in self pity right now.

 

This.  Had a bout just this week.  The wife went on a Hens party and as a dare had to lower the zip of a topless waiter.  Photos went on Facebook.  I hit the roof.

 

All of this was because of my lack of self belief and wondering why she would be with me.  We've been together for ELEVEN years, married for nine and yet I still, in my heart of hearts, worry that she's going to realise what a mistake she's made and leave me for someone else.  Anytime she goes out on her own my mind severely fucks with me and we have a blazing row when she gets back.  Thus I ruin every time out for her and risk pushing her away.

Thankfully because she does love me this hasn't happened.  I'm also aware of it and trying to deal with it but god damn it's hard.  

 

My wife and kids have been the biggest single thing to get my self worth out of the gutter, but can you ever really get rid of that vile little voice in your head?

 

This thread breaks my heart a little each time, but it also warms it too as I see all the support flowing.

 

Keep fighting the good fight people, you're all worth more than you'll ever really believe.

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm a huge believer in therapy, either Jungian or Cognitive therapy.  Art, I think you could benefit from getting to the heart of what you believe is so rotten down in your core that you can't be intimate with anyone for fear that person might see it.  I don't know if it's possible for to truly "let go" of the crippling emotions and perceptions that trigger low self-esteem and fear of intimacy, but through cognitive therapy -- overcoming fears by directly attempting what you fear -- it might be possible to function in spite of them.  

Oh, it's true.  I'm convinced mine comes from fear of abandonment caused by my parents divorce.  Sounds like a cop out but I have severe parental issues.

Animated movies, any kind, ANY kind of parental loving interaction or sorrow makes me cry buckets. Marlin's "Daddy's here, daddy's got you.." to Nemo at the end makes me bawl like a child (in fact it's got my eyes pricking right now, as I type this at work). JEsus even Bambi 2 got me at the end.

 

Hell, even one of the shittiest Dr Who's from the last season (the one about the Alien child) made me bawl when the 'Dad' came running down the stairs to protect his son.

 

So yeah, abandonment would be mine.  But it's not something I can talk to either of my folks about as I don't want them to burden them with any guilt (from their nearly 40 year old son too FFS).  I'm not sure how I can work thourgh this with cognitive therapies, or even talking through it because I know where it comes from, it's just something I have to deal with.

 

On the positive side it has very much informed how I am as a father.  I make damn sure my kids know they are loved, know they are wonderful to me and know that they can rely on me for anything.

A close friend once suggested writing a letter to your younger self from the perspective of your grown, adult self.  It's bizarre to think that even though we're older, we're the same people that experienced whatever traumas in childhood.  The child is still in there somewhere.  It sounds corny and I haven't done it yet but I do think it would be therapeutic. 

 

The thing is, what hurts us the most or causes the most shame/self-doubt/self-loathing is often triggered to something we had no control over yet we take it on.

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:24pm

Oh god.  That's so much worse than I knew.  I'm so sorry to hear it, Gabe.

Holy sh*t, Gabe.  That's a nightmare. 

 

This probably sounds ridiculous being posted on a message board, but you have to get yourself together.  You can't drive yourself crazy worrying about something until it actually happens -- meaning, until you get a chance to confront the charges.  Stop drinking, get back to your life, build your case and, until you can do something about it, put it out of your mind.  It's a long time till April and you will be a wreck if you keep this up.  Do you have a lawyer?

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:24pm

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:24pm

 

Who gives a f*ck what everyone thinks?  Worrying about what they think about your later date is only going to compound your stress and possibly worsen the situation.  Put that out of your mind too.  You've got to keep it together.  One thing I know now that I didn't know when I was younger but which would have saved me a lot of grief is that it's not their problem, it's yours, and you have to take care of yourself through this because no one else is going to.  This is your experience to get through, and a time will come, six, seven, eight months, a year, whatever, that it will be over and you will have lived through it.  That time will come.  You just have to hold it together, take care of yourself, be smart, and forge ahead. 
 

 

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:23pm

My God, man, that sounds utterly terrifying.

 

yt is right. Step 1: STOP drinking. Because

a) With every bottle you down, that's a bigger step away from the man you really are as well as the man you've been working so hard to become.

 

b) Because losing yourself to the fear & panic born from the heel of this heinous accusation, preemptively punishing yourself for shit you KNOW you didn't do, & making yourself wallow in hurt is doing the work for the fuckers that accused you. When guys are accused of what I think you were accused of, they will always get the short end of the stick. Always. But if you didn't do it & there's clear evidence to that fact, man, you are on a pedestal of RIGHT & even though the shit is threatening to bury you, when you have your day of court, it will drain away & you will be the last man standing. NEVER GIVE ANYONE THE SATISFACTION TO SEE YOU HURT.

So ask yourself: What kind of man do I want to be when the tide turns & what can I do to make sure it does? It's gonna be rough & it's gonna be lonely but if you're a man who has what it takes to survive basic training, then you're a man who can navigate a mountain of shit & take snapshots for the photo album.

So what do you do next? CONCENTRATE ON YOUR CASE & WORK WITH YOUR LAWYER.

I can only imagine how disappointing it is that your girlfriend left but if there's someone in your family that you're close enough that will trust & believe you, maybe they can give you a hand on the shoulder. And if, between now & summer, you end up trudging through all of this alone, just remember the military man you're trying to become, because that's the guy you're going to be fighting for.

Good luck to you, man, and never let the bastards see you bleed.

fuck Gabe that is appalling.  I don;t have anything more to add than the above (although I will reiterate to stop drinking - at the risk of just spouting platitudes it's destructive, not constructive) other than to add moral support for you and hope you can do your best to hang in there.

 

It's unbelievably tough, but when you are exonerated you will also feel a sense of achievement that they didn't break you.

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:23pm

Gabe, if you are accused what I believe you are accused of, you're already guilty in the court of public opinion. It's the accusation alone that damns you, 'Well, he didn't actually do it, but...' Not many will come to your side for fear of looking like assholes and being tossed in right along with you. Follow the advice, stop drinking. It'll come down to character in court and you have to be impeccable. A jury will begrudgingly follow the evidence, though I'd bet the farm the prosecution will try and manipulate them by making you out to be a person who could do this, therefore, you obviously did do this or if not now, you will do this later. Hell, you're in NYC, private message me, we can talk.

Doc Happenin is absolutely spot on.

deleted

Edited by Gabe T - 1/20/12 at 12:23pm

I concur with all the above.  Gabe, try your hardest to cut back on the drinking, and take care, sir, you will get through this.

 

For fuck's sake...
 

 

I would stay away from this, Ryan.

Yeah, Ryan.  He might rape you too (allegedly).

Wow. Really?

Not cool. Not funny.

Just in case anyone feels bad for fabfunk, it's not the first time he's stared down the law:

 

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/vine/showthread.php?p=5962781

Get a fucking life, you troll.

Chill out guys.You're better than that, aren't you?

I guess I shouldn't make fun of you. I'm soryrh. Im sorryt.

Alright, I am the second moderator to come into this thread. Guys, this is a thread where fellow cherwers should be able to discuss something that is a huge part of their life and very important to them. Please respect eachother. As someone who deals with bipolar disorder every fucking day of my life...I know its not easy to open up to someone about this stuff. Please respect the difficulty people in this community might have about talking about this stuff. Be there for eachother...no matter what...or get the fuck out.

Most days, it feels like I'm barely holding things together. When my mood goes from happy to dark in under 60 seconds, it's less of a swing as in, "I don't have the energy to keep positive" which is a lot of fucking energy. This is just one those days where I'm feeling SO dark and so terribly unhappy. I feel irrationally angry, I feel crushingly sad. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to tell anyone I'm too well acquainted with because then it becomes a "you do know what to do" and damnit, I don't. I really fucking don't because every action, I can see the collateral damage down the road. I'm tired of being positive, I'm tired of keeping a brave face. But I can't stop working or take a day off - not a real day off. Just motherfuck my life right now. I'm just happy I can still taste food - because if we got into the whole 'everything tastes like ashes' part of depression, I would be even more upset. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7AoGZ7_HOs

 

Just think more debt, less trannies. 

no advice, just positive vibes (if that's not too hippyish).

 

I hope it feels a little better just typing it out.  Weirdly, that can often help me.  I actully took the advice from yt above and typed my younger self a letter and just getting it out there was a release.

 

So, positive vibes WW.

I'd give you a virtual hug but I'm scared Hybris might virtually chase me with a virtual broken bottle.

 

Seriously tho, all my best and most positive thoughts are emanating your way.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, WW. The slow hell of living under the SoD is hard & terrifying to say the least. Like Andy says, may positive vibes flow freely to you & your life.

 

When it gets hard I always think of the below cartoon which, in absolute seriousness, is actually a helpful mental corrective that sometimes helps to refresh my perspective on shit:

WW - You'll get through it, as hard to imagine as it seems, things can get better.  I'm just hitting the other side of a really bad slump, one I never thought I was pulling out of, and now the clouds are parting, as it were.

 

As long as we're posting depression cartoons, "Sometimes, yeah. I mean, there was that one demon." makes me laugh:

 

Been having a bit of a hard time since coming off my meds. Was on Celexa for about nine years. Weaned myself off them slowly. Now I'm starting to feel the old anxiety and depression again. Mostly over money issues. (Yeah, I know, join the club.)

 

Please don't say "get back on them." It's not an option, for various reasons I don't want to get into.

Sorry to hear that, dude. So what are your options to combat the perpetual gravity of the illness, at this point.

Well, I'm trying hard not to get into a spiral of anxiety/depression-inducing thoughts. Little things tend to send me into the dumps but little things also take me out of them.

Hating everyone and everything, especially myself.

 

Not a good place to be.  Does this NEVER fucking end?

Probably not. But you're not alone either.

 

Oh. Um, hi folks. It's encouraging to see the supportive behavior in this thread. My problem, though, is that few things depress me more than realizing I've just blown another three hours posting on message boards when I could be writing or drawing or socializing or planning for my future...

Thu upswing didn't last to long for me.  I've got to have the discipline to get enough sleep.  That's my main problem right now.  Tired constantly.  My effective, alert time is eaten up in bed, either aimless on the internet, or burning holes in the ceiling, trying to fall asleep.

What's that feeling where you just spend entire days feeling like you're about to cry?

I can't shake that lately. Things are moving very slowly, and I can't seem to shake the fact I'm experiencing it 100% all alone.

 

I don't know if there's a name for it mate, but I know the feeling you mean. And for what it's worth, this thread being here mans you're most assuredly not alone. Hang in there, I know it feels like it makes time stand still but it really doesn't.
 

 

This is why came to love movies, books and video games. The escapism offered by a well told story can give me a break from this feeling. Hang in there and throw on one of your favorite comfort films when you get home.

Just remember to alternate films when this feeling comes. I've learned to my detriment that if you start watching the same films every time you are in this mood you'll begin to associate this mood with those movies and then when you happen to view those films when you are feeling normal you get hit by a sudden wave of depression.

 

unless you also have Anhedonia (inability to enjoy pleasurable activities) which is fucking ARSE.

 

Thankfully (!) I only have the former at the moment, but it's a cock at work.  I worry that someone is going to say something off to me and I'm just going to burst into tears.

 

 

 

 

I always liked the Breakfast at Tiffany's description: "The Screaming Reds."  Ennui seems to weak a word, but there's that too.

Those that have been on SSRI for a while, a question:  Did they blunt your enjoyment of anything?

 

I can't say for certain, but I feel like since I've been on anti-depressants, I haven't been able to get into a movie.  I enjoy them still, sure, but I can't feel them anymore.  This may be because I'm choosing movies poorly, and I'm getting older, but that worry is there.