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Depression - Page 41

post #2001 of 2519

These days I keep struggling to really see the point in....well, anything. Motivation is going away. Sleep is almost non existant. Energy non existant. urge to just say goodbye is strong

post #2002 of 2519
Come on then Phil, don't tell half a story, spill your guts.
post #2003 of 2519
Phil, so much of what we feel is based on how well our biological machine is running. Higher order consciousness is tricky like that. We assume we're above all the meat-based concerns but really we're not. Sleep getting messed up, disrupted life cycles, all affect our thinking in ways obvious and subtle. Take care of yourself. Make it your priority. Get good food and walks and sunshine and sleep - I promise these things can help. The point right now is just to get yourself on a better path because I promise there are awesome times ahead for you. Even if that's hard to believe, it's true. Once enough little things click into place, truly it's possible to wake up one day and feel excited at the possibilities of tomorrow. I've been in very dark places in very trying times in my life, mental health issues, etc, but in all sincerity, feel good bullshit aside, I promise you no mental state is static. Things can and WILL improve with effort and time and just plain luck. Don't ever give up!
post #2004 of 2519

I appreciate all of you and all you're saying. I really do. And on the level I do know nothing is ever static, but on another level its just feeling the poison in my mind and soul, and not knowing how to fix anything. Threw down to my wife that she had to start taking her medication or I would leave and she responds by moving to her sisters house. Mentally and emotionally torn on every wavelength of how to even progress from here, and the flesh is just weak. So weak.

 

Id like to think I've neeb putting in the time and effort but I don't see any progress. Just got to keep trying, I guess.

 

There's always that bottle of Jim Beam in the meantime

post #2005 of 2519
Phil, talk to your wife's side of the family about this. Tell them that you worry for her wellbeing and ask what they think is the best course of action. Point out that no one can truly live a life in the mental state that she's currently in. See if you can come to a consensus with them, because if you can then she'll no longer be able to use them to run from her medication.

Also you could try to suggest that she could try something different. The fact that she seems so adamant that she not take her drugs makes me wonder if the side effects were too much and in her mind the benifits of the drug did not outweigh the negative side effects. Maybe even suggest that you both find a new doctor for a second opinion, someone to help her explore other drugs or treatments out there that might help.
Edited by Tim K - 3/11/17 at 5:49pm
post #2006 of 2519
I'm trying so hard not to drink alone, but man, do I want to drink tonight.
post #2007 of 2519
What's up lid?
post #2008 of 2519
You ever been so down, you can't even do something basic, like go to the store? That's where I'm at now. Just been in a dark rut for a while. There's sort of an acceptable level of awful that I'm used to, and every so often, I drift into this place where I'm just in a maze of sadness that doesn't seem to have an exit.
post #2009 of 2519
I know that place well, Bradito. The only way out of the maze I've ever found is one I've had to start making on my own, nobody can pull me out of it unless I expend the energy to meet them halfway. So even though you don't feel like you have the emotional energy to do so. You need to call someone up, a friend or family member, and tell them you're feeling really down and need help getting out of it. Then ask if they want to go see a movie or go check out some new restaurant or bar. Then you go and do whatever you planned to do with them even though it may feel more draining than running a marathon. By the end of the day if you're like me you'll feel better, maybe not a whole lot better, but definitely a little better. Then maybe take a day off from socializing and then do it again, try to think of it as a form of exercise, you're training yourself to try to find normal again and it's much easier to do that with the help of others.
post #2010 of 2519
Ahhh, not socializing! There has to be another way out of this.
post #2011 of 2519

Nope. No other way basically. You have to do exactly the opposite of what your brain tells you to. Beat it into submission.

post #2012 of 2519
Oof.
post #2013 of 2519
The worst thing about those dark ruts of depression is they seem to just sap you of energy or motivation almost completely. It feels like it robs you of all the most basic happiness you should be feeling. And then it's sapped you so much you just end up sitting around thinking about how much it sucks and you sink deeper. You lose your appetite. You lose the desire to be sociable. It's the most vicious of cycles. You have to literally force yourself to get up and get moving and start doing something (ANYTHING) positive to get your mind off of dwelling on the negative. And anyone who's never been there can't understand how hard that can be..
Edited by Fraid uh noman - 4/6/17 at 10:09am
post #2014 of 2519
All I want to do is sleep.
post #2015 of 2519
Put on some sunblock and go take a nap in the sun. I'm pretty sure you're in Southern California like me, so maybe even go do it at the beach since it's a nice day today. Few things lift my mood more than getting outside.
post #2016 of 2519
I run most days of the week to take in a good hour of California sunshine. Running wears me out and makes me too tired to really sulk.
post #2017 of 2519
Shit...just living in Southern California would help my depression..
post #2018 of 2519
The traffic would break you as it breaks us all.
post #2019 of 2519
Was there any precipitating event or circumstance Brad, or you feel like you just woke up and the day decided randomly to be a worse one?
post #2020 of 2519
Sometimes something specific, usually work-related, will trigger a deep funk. Other times, it'll just arbitrarily sneak up on me, like now. I try to fight it off by being proactive. I'm going to finish the first draft of a novel this month and then start pre-production on another short film. Keeping busy helps, but depression can eat into my productivity like a fucker. I'm always doing something. But it's slow-going.
post #2021 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

The traffic would break you as it breaks us all.

Ain't that the truth.  Those SoCal traffic cannot break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially.  If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you, too, but there will be no special hurry.  Traffic breaks every SoCal resident and afterward many are strong at the broken places.  

post #2022 of 2519
It's like being buried alive but above ground.
post #2023 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

It's like being buried alive but above ground.
The depression more than the gridlock..
post #2024 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Sometimes something specific, usually work-related, will trigger a deep funk. Other times, it'll just arbitrarily sneak up on me, like now. I try to fight it off by being proactive. I'm going to finish the first draft of a novel this month and then start pre-production on another short film. Keeping busy helps, but depression can eat into my productivity like a fucker. I'm always doing something. But it's slow-going.

 

Do you have a pet?  Maybe consider getting one or two?  On my really bad days, the cats can be the only reason I come home.

post #2025 of 2519
Hey it's been a month since anyone posted in the depression thread. Let's remedy that!!

Hooked up with my married ex again yesterday. Just walking and talking and spending time together.

Guess what. She loves me. But she can't leave her husband. Of course she can't. But she loves me.

I want to die.

Kill me.
post #2026 of 2519
That sucks, Elvis. Just yesterday, I called my freshly broken-up with ex (9 years, and she moved on with someone else already with the snap of a finger) and told her being friends was not going to work out even though I thought I could handle it.

Anyway, God bless you, man and may it get better for you.
post #2027 of 2519
Shoulder Angel: You're tired and have a headache all the time. And you're ashamed of yourself.

Shoulder Devil: Except for that five hour stretch each evening where you get drunk and your wife pretends not to notice. Then you're relaxed and a more interesting person!

*pours drink*
post #2028 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

Shoulder Angel: You're tired and have a headache all the time. And you're ashamed of yourself.

Sorry, I'm new to the thread. What is this in reference to (if you care to reveal)? Sounds rough and I can relate, especially to the being ashamed of yourself part.
post #2029 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stale Elvis View Post

Hey it's been a month since anyone posted in the depression thread. Let's remedy that!!

Hooked up with my married ex again yesterday. Just walking and talking and spending time together.

Guess what. She loves me. But she can't leave her husband. Of course she can't. But she loves me.

I want to die.

Kill me.

 

This sounded like a Mikael Haneke -version of those Before Sunrise/Sunset -films. But that's a bit of a shitheaded thing to do from your ex, adults don't function like that. "I have these regrets inside my head, why don't I spread them around!" What does she expect you to do, challenge her husband to a duel or something?

post #2030 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

Shoulder Angel: You're tired and have a headache all the time. And you're ashamed of yourself.

Shoulder Devil: Except for that five hour stretch each evening where you get drunk and your wife pretends not to notice. Then you're relaxed and a more interesting person!

*pours drink*

 

Stupid question, but have you tried putting the booze aside for a few weeks and seeing if the headache and tiredness wear off? I did, and whilst it hasn't led to a fundamental change in my habits, at least it has put them into perspective, given me a better idea of why I might be reaching for the bottle other than simply to keep the come down away, and helped me see when I'm clearly starting to slip back into old habits.

 

Or gone to the doctor for a liver check up? I found that sobering.

post #2031 of 2519
All of the above.

The epiphany lasted about a week.
post #2032 of 2519
Yes, I'm not going to hold myself up as a paragon of self-discipline either. At least I find now my self-loathing kicks in to arrest the cycle of increasingly frequent binges at an earlier stage.

Progress!
post #2033 of 2519
Just wanted to share this because I have been using the app in #1 to help me with my recent troubles, and it has been helpful, even though it was made with veterans/PTSD in mind (which I didn't know beforehand because the article doesn't mention it): https://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy
post #2034 of 2519
So anyway, I'm married to Stale Elvis's ex, right...
post #2035 of 2519
:,(
post #2036 of 2519
I thought you loved those jokes. I was trying to cheer you up.

:'(
post #2037 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stale Elvis View Post

:,(
I know that this is easy for me to say but you gotta emotionally distance yourself from this woman. Especially thinking like this while she's married. Just let that go, man. It's something that could cause you more grief than you deserve (not saying you deserve any). If she REALLY does love you...she'll seek you out. But the thing about affairs? It's a relationship built on a foundation of distrust. Think about what she's doing to her husband and realize that if she'll do it FOR you she can also do it TO you. You're a good looking intelligent guy, you stud. Go out there and find you a relationship that's starting on a clean slate for you both. There's SOOOO many fish in the sea.

I hope I haven't offended you by saying what I said. And I hope I didn't insult your intelligence by just stating things that I know for sure you probably already know. I just know from experience that this sort of thing just about never ends well...for all involved.

I've said this before but man, I wish you could stay in Texas for a while. With that accent and that English charm I know you gotta have, you'd have to beat the women off with a stick. Somebody is out there who can make you happy and it be perfect and she's out there looking for a great guy like you too..
post #2038 of 2519
I'm with fraid, move on. Your ex done fucked up because she can't foresee being with a guy and accepting him for who he is. Yeah, suppose she does come back into your arms. Why? Because she loves you right? So what happened to mister right? And what happened with you being that the first time? A woman who can't appreciate another person needs to learn the hard way... by you walking away. Hard consequences bring about true change. And for you, it's better for you to realize that you could virtually fall in love with anyone.
post #2039 of 2519

Eh, I was joking with the :'( - Brad's joke always makes me laugh.

 

Cheers for the words Fraid - perhaps it's time to make good on the plan to drive across the US and pick up some naughty mid-20s hitchhiker and have filthy adventures.

 

And there aint nothing anyone can tell me about this I don't already know - she cheated on me years ago and she's half-chasing me now - speaks volumes about her - there's nothing anyone can say to me that I wouldn't say myself if it was a friend in this position. I might be soft for her but I'm not stupid. She's been in my life now almost longer than she hasn't. Just devastates me to think I'll never be with the woman I love. Especially after all the pleading I did with her years ago not to leave, she now tells me she loves me and always has done. It's just words I know. But the connection and spark and the pure sexual chemistry we have simply cannot be denied and it isn't like anything else we've got from anyone else. I tried to end it the other day as it can't go anywhere and I'm just getting hurt - told her I wanted her to be the one who I grow old with blah blah blah - she said that can never happen but starts crying when I said it has to end and texts me later in the evening saying please don't end it. She sounds sincere when she says she loves me, but if she loved me she'd start looking at this in a more serious light. I'm just a distraction for her in her stale marriage, but I also cannot ignore that when we're together we both feel so alive.

 

It's just absolute fucking torture to hear the woman you love tell you she loves you then disappear again with her husband. She hasn't got a fucking clue.

post #2040 of 2519
But how fucking selfish on her part. She wants you to want her. Love can extend beyond even a relationship. She ought to lie in the bed she made. I'm sure her mind makes that sincere, but you know, if she really loved you, she wouldn't get you involved in this mess. She'd leave you alone. All she's doing right now is thinking of herself, and that isn't love my friend.
post #2041 of 2519
As guys....it's way too easy to start thinking with wrong head. I'd just hate to see you get in the middle of something that's gonna cause you more grief in the long run. Thankfully as we get older, it becomes somewhat easier to look a bit further down the road and see where some things are really going to end up. I'm shocked at how easily I can just shut my emotion chip off like Data and completely walk away from a woman who either willingly or unwillingly is gonna be at the center of trouble for everyone within her orbit.

And I hope you make that US trip. If you do you best swing through my neck of the woods. Mi casa su casa. We can go bar hoppin and I'll introduce you to a buncha cute cowgirls. Picking up an attractive female hitchhiker always sounds like the start to a porno but in reality....it's more like the start to a horror movie or one of the darker episodes of Breaking Bad. They're usually all methd up..
post #2042 of 2519
Elvis and fraid need to hang out and go on adventures.
post #2043 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Elvis and fraid need to hang out and go on adventures.
Oh we will.

You're invited too Brad!
post #2044 of 2519

post #2045 of 2519
I'll be Shemp. I show up at the beginning but fade away only to be forgotten in the legacy.
post #2046 of 2519
Jesus...Larry's hair looks just like my dad's..
post #2047 of 2519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stale Elvis View Post

perhaps it's time to make good on the plan to drive across the US and pick up some naughty mid-20s hitchhiker and have filthy adventures.



Well, someone had to.
post #2048 of 2519
In all seriousness though, that's rough man.
post #2049 of 2519
What this really sounds like to me is a woman who is getting older...is bored or unsatisfied with where she's at in life and/or who she's with and she's so narcissistic that she's using you to prove to herself that she's still desirable. Girls like that? Find a ten foot pole to not touch them with cuz that's all bad news. She loves herself more than she could ever love anyone else. Maybe I'm wrong....but that's the image I'm getting..
post #2050 of 2519

Yeah thats her all over, plus other issues she has that I'm not going to go into.

 

It's shit - it's not like I don't date other girls here and there - they just don't have the same instant effect on me as she does - honestly, its pure chemistry. But it's so much more than that for me. Other girls don't stand a chance unless they blow me away like she does. I can see myself either settling down with someone whose 'nice' but well, nice - or never committing at all. I couldn't do it. Marriage is hard enough as it is, and to enter into one when you're heart's secretly with another person - well that just doesn't bare thinking about. I've got quite a few friends who are married that confide in me that if they had their chance again they'd seek out the old love of their lives - the one they really wanted. Marriage is fucking hard if it's not who you really want it to be, and even then there's no guarantee.

 

Aaaanyway - enough of this maudlin shit. Cheers all.

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