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Depression - Page 49

post #2401 of 2460

This seems to be a rough week for a lot of people all around. The boards seem pretty tense. 

 

I know I can come off as an insufferable a-hole, but you're all in my thoughts. If you need to talk - please, send me a PM. 

 

Hang in there, everyone. One step, one punch, one round at a time. 

post #2402 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boone Daniels View Post

 

I know I can come off as an insufferable a-hole, but you're all in my thoughts. If you need to talk - please, send me a PM. 

 

 

Thanks, buddy.  

post #2403 of 2460

In a better state of mind now.

 

I was asked about pets, and that's a tough one for me.  I've ALWAYS relied on cats throughout my life to be the buddies I never found elsewhere.  I'm very good with cats and until the divorce, I've always lived with 2 or more cats ever since I can remember.  At one point we had as many as five.  I adore them, and most of them adore me.

Unfortunately, the place I moved (AirBNB rental) will not allow me to have pets, as the owner has her own two cats.  I'm pals with them, but they're former ferals and at their friendliest they still don't like to be held or to cuddle much.  

I've considered trying to get a place that WILL allow pets, but when I leave for the Appalachian Trail in 2019, I'd just have to leave them behind again. It's not fair to THEM.

One of my cats passed away unexpectedly last week also, under the care of my ex.  Having not seen or held him in months made it that much more difficult to cope with.  

Aside from work and occasionally seeing the latest geek-friendly movie with my brother-in-law, I pretty much do NO socializing.  Ha;f the time I don't want to, and the times I do I tend to FEEL LIKE I fucked everything up.  After any social egagement I spend weeks with insomnia, as I'll replay everything I said or did in my mind and concoct reasons why everyone must hate me. 

Social anxiety sucks, and it feeds my depression.. and my ability to focus on most things has decreased significantly in the last decade or so. My job is passing me by and I don't think I can learn the things I need to in order to stay in this position.. and I don't even LIKE my positon. Unfortunately, I have only a Associates Degree in General Studies and no actual marketable skills, so I feel lucky as hell that I even have the job I have NOW. It's the first and only full time, unionized with benefits job I've ever had and may be the only one I ever DO have.

 

..and I'll be quitting it to go be in the woods for the better part of a year, so I'm struggling with THAT anxiety on top of it.
 


....but right now at least, I'm feeling alright.  Some days I feel completely hopeless, like I did earlier this week when I ranted on here.  I'm sure it'll happen again, especially now that I know it's more acceptable to you folks than it is to my Facebook followers. It's always a blast to forget to hide a particularly profanity-laden misanthropic post from your elderly landlord. Yeesh! 

post #2404 of 2460

I am so very broken right now, and it's debilitating trying to figure out how to fix it in ways that aren't just easy and selfish solutions. I'm terrified that the monster's voice is going to be the sole voice of reason soon.

 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

post #2405 of 2460

Please let us know if we can do anything, wd. 

post #2406 of 2460
Sent a PM WD40, I know I’m a stranger but you can call if you need. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t prejudging your situation.

It was a sign of strength to post your message not weakness. Accept help if you need it. You are worth it.

Ryan
post #2407 of 2460
I don't know where in Colorado you live, but this site has phone numbers and addresses of walk-in centers all over the state if you'd rather talk to someone in person than in text.

Hang in there! Figuring out how to navigate a healthy way forward is what those guys are there to help you with.
post #2408 of 2460
What in the world are you sorry for? Being a great human being? Come on man. Be honest with yourself about the help you need. You know what that help is better than anyone. And once you figure it out....ask for it. And accept it. You've got a lot of people in your corner rooting for you. Needing some help isn't a sign of weakness. And accepting it is not a burden on others. Push those thoughts totally from your mind..
post #2409 of 2460
I think you'd be surprised how many people that your well being is genuinely important to..
post #2410 of 2460

Echoing what Boone said. Hang in there, WD40, and let us know if we can help somehow.

post #2411 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fraid uh noman View Post

And accepting it is not a burden on others.

And what if it was? Some days, someone needs you to have their back. Some days, you need someone to have yours. So you cover each other and get through together, instead of leaving each other behind. Humans are built to be social animals. It'd be a shame to let pride come between you and help that could get you through.
post #2412 of 2460

WD, please do whatever you can/need to find someone outside of yourself to provide a counterpoint and balance to that monster inside.

 

We want you around. Find a lifeline, brother, and hang the fuck on. We're here to do what we can.

post #2413 of 2460
I don't really know if I know the right thing to say in situations like this....all I know is that saying nothing is the wrong thing. I wish you could tell us what you need. And if not us...then tell someone..
post #2414 of 2460
wd40, we all love you.
post #2415 of 2460

WD, you're good people, and I'm sad to see that you're in obvious pain.

post #2416 of 2460
Just from what I know from this place, WD, you seem to be a very kind, positive, and intelligent person.

People care about you and are here if you need us.
post #2417 of 2460
WD, know that every one of us are here to listen and help. Please stay strong.
post #2418 of 2460

WD, we're here for you!

 

And it's been a really rough year for a lot of people (myself included), there's no shame in that.

post #2419 of 2460

We're here for you. You're not alone. Remember that much.

post #2420 of 2460

PM sent. 

post #2421 of 2460

WD, hang in there.  I've been there myself and it's a long climb out of that hole but it's so worth it. 

 

For me, the thing that turned everything around was truly accepting that I couldn't trust myself or my own thoughts when I was that low.  I know it's hard, but no matter what you feel about yourself right now just remember that 'the monster's voice' has compromised your thinking.  Lean on anyone you can who offers support.  When your fellow Chewers or anyone else tells you you're worth it (and you are), don't let the voice tell you we're wrong.  If you can learn to trust other people when they tell you that you're worth taking care of, eventually you can get to where you believe it yourself. 

post #2422 of 2460
Take whatever time you need . . . but let us know you're all right.
post #2423 of 2460

This is that time of year. And we're always here for you, wd40.

post #2424 of 2460
He's going to be out of contact for a bit I think. But he's assured me he's ok. And he sounded more hopeful. Everyone just keep piling on the good vibes.

I don't wanna speak for him too much so I'll leave it at that. But I figured he'd be ok with me letting y'all know he's ok..
post #2425 of 2460
You’re good people wd40. Please take the advice of other posters here who have felt the same feelings. Hopefully everything turns out good and I see you return to posting here!
post #2426 of 2460

You are very well liked around here, wd40.  I hope that you find the support that you need to get you over this dark period in your life.

post #2427 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by superlaser View Post
 

WD, hang in there.  I've been there myself and it's a long climb out of that hole but it's so worth it. 

 

For me, the thing that turned everything around was truly accepting that I couldn't trust myself or my own thoughts when I was that low.  I know it's hard, but no matter what you feel about yourself right now just remember that 'the monster's voice' has compromised your thinking.  Lean on anyone you can who offers support.  When your fellow Chewers or anyone else tells you you're worth it (and you are), don't let the voice tell you we're wrong.  If you can learn to trust other people when they tell you that you're worth taking care of, eventually you can get to where you believe it yourself. 

 

I had depression hard in the transition from High School to College. In retrospect, as a trained teacher, all the signs were there, but my family and I had no idea. When it finally got bad enough and we realized it, I went to a doctor and was briefly prescribed Wellbutrin. After a month on the medication I realized how deeply depressed I was. I was so far down, minor attitude changes seemed good, but looking at the whole, I didn't realize just how far down I was until the medication took me back to the surface. Like nearing the ocean floor, threatening to tumble into the Marianas Trench.  I stopped taking the meds after some adverse side effects, but the clarity it provided helped me readjust my self-regulation markers back to normal.  I remember thinking afterwards "Holy shit... this is where average is supposed to be? I have been seriously depressed!"  

 

So, I guess I say all that to say this terrible extended metaphor: WD, you've got a wicked case of underwater spatial distortion. Tug on the comm line, and we'll be here to help you back up to the surface. One of us is already warming up a rousing song to the virtues of Spanish ladies. 

post #2428 of 2460
I hope things get better for you, WD40. Don't give up.
post #2429 of 2460

I'm sorry for the post earlier. As soon as I posted it, I felt deeply embarrassed. I was scared to log back on. I've expressed that I was depressed before, but this was an all new low. I felt like this must have been when wd40's drama went too far. I logged in to simply apologize and I saw your posts and PMs. I would probably ugly-cry like mad right now if I wasn't so numb.

 

Earlier this year, I wasn't in a healthy place so I took a break from the boards. They were consuming me. I was seeking acceptance. I was spending all of my free time just browsing the boards. I would post the littlest, most inane or mundane comments just to feel like I was part of something. I had to leave, but I came back. Last week I had felt that I wasn't ready to come back when I blew up in the Tired Shit thread, so I decided to reinstate that self-imposed break. And what did I do? I posted anyway. I don't know why I can't shake my indulgences. I don't know why I feel like a lowly poster, yet I can't seem to shut up and accept that.

 

The truth is I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

 

I have reasons for my feelings. Some I have control over; some that I do not. All of them affect me. I can only assume it's depression? Every night I get very little sleep. Every day when I wake up, I immediately regret getting out of bed. I want to curl into a ball and make it all go away forever. I feel like I am trapped without a voice; banging my fists against sound-proof glass as everyone looks back at me with contempt and judgment. I constantly contemplate how much simpler it would be if I just ended it all, and I'd have done it by now if I wasn't so damned afraid of it. Bizarre that. I feel unmotivated and anxious. I project to others as if I am collected, however my emotions are violently bubbling just blow the surface.

 

People have always looked to me to be the leader. People expected me to be the logical one. People looked to me to keep the peace. People looked to me to find levity in every situation. People looked to me to be a constant -- to be their constant. Little do any of them realize: I can't do it anymore. I am severely broken right now and I can't do it. Who am I to turn to when the broken have always relied on me? How do I rid myself of this guilt that comes from being unreliable; this guilt that only fuels my darkest thoughts; this guilt that perpetuates this vicious cycle?

 

I can't tell my wife. I've tried to tell her in the past, and it's just crushed her. She's a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and she just assumes it's her fault. I try not to be cold towards her, but I know I have been at times. I can't take medication. Every single one I have been given makes me physically ill. I can't afford to see anyone -- monetarily or through sick time. I feel helpless. I'm sinking and the weight around my ankles is only getting heavier.

 

Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy. I'm married. I have a job. I have a home. I have family. I have you folks. Why in ever-loving fuck is that not enough? I apologize for the rambling post. I apologize for making another post about me. I apologize for apologizing. Please be patient with me.

post #2430 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post
 

I'm sorry for the post earlier. As soon as I posted it, I felt deeply embarrassed. I was scared to log back on. I've expressed that I was depressed before, but this was an all new low. I felt like this must have been when wd40's drama went too far. I logged in to simply apologize and I saw your posts and PMs. I would probably ugly-cry like mad right now if I wasn't so numb.

 

Earlier this year, I wasn't in a healthy place so I took a break from the boards. They were consuming me. I was seeking acceptance. I was spending all of my free time just browsing the boards. I would post the littlest, most inane or mundane comments just to feel like I was part of something. I had to leave, but I came back. Last week I had felt that I wasn't ready to come back when I blew up in the Tired Shit thread, so I decided to reinstate that self-imposed break. And what did I do? I posted anyway. I don't know why I can't shake my indulgences. I don't know why I feel like a lowly poster, yet I can't seem to shut up and accept that.

 

The truth is I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

 

I have reasons for my feelings. Some I have control over; some that I do not. All of them affect me. I can only assume it's depression? Every night I get very little sleep. Every day when I wake up, I immediately regret getting out of bed. I want to curl into a ball and make it all go away forever. I feel like I am trapped without a voice; banging my fists against sound-proof glass as everyone looks back at me with contempt and judgment. I constantly contemplate how much simpler it would be if I just ended it all, and I'd have done it by now if I wasn't so damned afraid of it. Bizarre that. I feel unmotivated and anxious. I project to others as if I am collected, however my emotions are violently bubbling just blow the surface.

 

People have always looked to me to be the leader. People expected me to be the logical one. People looked to me to keep the peace. People looked to me to find levity in every situation. People looked to me to be a constant -- to be their constant. Little do any of them realize: I can't do it anymore. I am severely broken right now and I can't do it. Who am I to turn to when the broken have always relied on me? How do I rid myself of this guilt that comes from being unreliable; this guilt that only fuels my darkest thoughts; this guilt that perpetuates this vicious cycle?

 

I can't tell my wife. I've tried to tell her in the past, and it's just crushed her. She's a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and she just assumes it's her fault. I try not to be cold towards her, but I know I have been at times. I can't take medication. Every single one I have been given makes me physically ill. I can't afford to see anyone -- monetarily or through sick time. I feel helpless. I'm sinking and the weight around my ankles is only getting heavier.

 

Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy. I'm married. I have a job. I have a home. I have family. I have you folks. Why in ever-loving fuck is that not enough? I apologize for the rambling post. I apologize for making another post about me. I apologize for apologizing. Please be patient with me.

 

Where are your fears coming from?  Do you feel inadequate with who you are? Maybe it's where you are, or where you are not.  Do not be afraid to look into your fear to find the answer.  Have courage, my friend.  And do not expect to find those answers so quickly. Take your time. Breathe slow and deep.  What is the monster's voice wanting to say?

post #2431 of 2460

Don't be embarrassed.  You really haven't done anything worthy of being embarrassed about, first off, and secondly, have you looked at the content on here?  

 

Sounds like you have a ton of pressures on you at from a lot of different directions and maybe it's easier to focus on CHUD then deal with those things, which I totally get.  Take all the time you need, talk to whoever you need to, and know that everyone is rooting for you.  

post #2432 of 2460
Step back away from everything and breathe. Drop EVERYONE else's shit but your own. Concentrate on YOU. Be selfish for once and figure out what you need for your world to make sense again. Believe it or not I understand this unspeakable feeling better than you can know. It's like life is running away without you or something..
post #2433 of 2460
We're all seeming to see the same thing. Your mind doesn't ever get a chance to stop, does it. You emotionally invest in others until you're worn out and don't have anything left for yourself? Too many people are laying their problems or worries on you?
post #2434 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post

Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy.

This is your depression lying to you. That self-doubt is depression's henchman, and they're teaming up to try to kill you. Get mad, I suggest. Rise up and kick that doubt in the sack so that someone at a crisis line or walk-in center can help you find free or affordable help. Do it for your wife. Do it for your job. Do it for your home, your family, for us. Do it for you, I recommend, because you deserve better than to drown.

We all love you.
post #2435 of 2460
See WD40? See what I been telling you? We got your back! As much as we possibly can!
post #2436 of 2460

Hi.

 

I've been meaning to jump into this thread for months and months, always laboring over the perfect introductory post instead of actually posting.  So, I'm just going to type this out and post without trying to make it the most profound thing ever or proofreading it fifty times.

 

I'm Ryan.  

post #2437 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post
 

Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy.

 

Yes, you do. You deserve empathy, support, love, grace, and patience.

 

Anyone, any internal voice saying otherwise is a liar.

post #2438 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdRobotHeart View Post

 

I'm Ryan.  

 

Welcome, Ryan!

post #2439 of 2460

WD40,

 

I know you say you can't tell your wife and that it would crush her, but I honestly think you should re-consider. You're going to need to talk to someone about this and, at the very least, it probably should be the closest person to you so that they can support you going forward. I've lost people in my life because I've decided not to tell them certain things that were going wrong with me; figuring that they'd be better not knowing at all, and all it did was push those people away from me and make things worse.

 
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post
 

Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy. I'm married. I have a job. I have a home. I have family. I have you folks. Why in ever-loving fuck is that not enough?

 

Because life isn't the front cover of a family board game. Because the things we're told to strive for in order to be happy, also bring their own pressures. 

Originally Posted by wd40 View Post

 

 I apologize for making another post about me.

 

Don't ever apologize for this. One of the benefits of this messageboard having quite a small community is that we're probably a little tighter because of it. We all know you, WD40, and we all want to help you if you're hurting. Please do keep us informed, so that we know how you are and how you're doing. You have friends here.  

post #2440 of 2460
What Sax said, WD. You’re going to need the support of the people under your roof most of all. Maybe asking your wife to come with you as you seek solutions, to show her it’s a you thing but she can still help, might be an option.
post #2441 of 2460

@wd40 +1 to everything everyone has said.

 

Be aware, as this thread proves, you are not alone. Both through support and that folks here do have the same thoughts and doubts that you do. And that's just from the ones that have posted here, I'm sure there are scores of others that kept to themselves for whatever reason. If anything, having a family, house and a job etc can add the emotional issues we deal with. 

 

You can't be the rock for anyone unless you support yourself first. I feel a little differently about telling your spouse, as I would be the same. I would absorb any feeling they would have of guilt etc and it would just add to my problems. I would feel you would know better than anyone how she would react. Saying that, find someone to talk to, someone who won't judge you or expect anything from you. Just listen and nod and understand. That's a shit load easier to type than find, but I do it work. I see people in similar situations to me, with stress and issues at home etc and I just empathize one day then bend their ear the next. 

 

I know you have a ton of dude bro's on here. Don't be afraid to use them. 

 

I'm not going to say good luck, as I don't think you need it. I strongly believe in good things happen to good people. You saved a turkey FFS :). It might be a tough ride sometimes but you'll get there. 

 

 

 

Oh, and welcome Ryan!

post #2442 of 2460

WD, you are, and have always portrayed yourself as, good people.  Very good people.

 

I sincerely hope you get the help you need to move forward and be healthy.  And while it ultimately isn't my place to give you advice, I implore you to not hide what you're going through from your wife.  Marriage is a partnership, and what you're going through is extreme and severe, and you shouldn't willfully keep your life partner away from it; its not fair to either of you. 

 

There are obviously so many people here pulling for you man. As with so many other sentiments, please PM me if I can do anything for you.

post #2443 of 2460

Thanks, everyone. I don't have any words right now. I love you all.

post #2444 of 2460
We'll be rooting for you.
post #2445 of 2460

It's been a melt-my-face-off metal day. Any suggestions? I am quite particular about my tastes, but I'm always up for recommendations.

post #2446 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post

It's been a melt-my-face-off metal day. Any suggestions? I am quite particular about my tastes, but I'm always up for recommendations.

Apocalyptica's pretty good, especially since they mostly perform instrumentals and you don't get any depressing downer lyrics.

Judas Priest is also a reliable source for motivational jams and songs in the key of risin' up and whoopin' that ass. Their official channel is here.

Sometimes you just need a Lady Gaga heavy metal mashup. Youtube has your hookup there, too. (Spoiler texted just to avoid cluttering the page).

Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)
post #2447 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post
 

It's been a melt-my-face-off metal day. Any suggestions? I am quite particular about my tastes, but I'm always up for recommendations.

 

Play a mini mix of Immigrant Song, What is and What Should Never Be, Kashmir, Sail (Awolnation), Magic Carpet Ride, Sound of Silence (The Disturbed version), and Bawitaba (Kid Rock, I know ... but a guilty pleasure).

post #2448 of 2460
Whose faces does that melt off, Overlord? Faces made of soft serve ice cream?

Jk

WD: go for Maiden.
post #2449 of 2460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

Whose faces does that melt off, Overlord? Faces made of soft serve ice cream?

Jk

WD: go for Maiden.

 

Hardcore status?  It's just been revoked.  

 

**I misunderstood the "face melt" portion of his post.

post #2450 of 2460

My favorite band that once inexplicably won a Grammy for "Best Heavy Metal Album"?

 

Jethro Tull

 

Therefore I say WD40 needs a long flute solo.

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