I'm sorry for the post earlier. As soon as I posted it, I felt deeply embarrassed. I was scared to log back on. I've expressed that I was depressed before, but this was an all new low. I felt like this must have been when wd40's drama went too far. I logged in to simply apologize and I saw your posts and PMs. I would probably ugly-cry like mad right now if I wasn't so numb.
Earlier this year, I wasn't in a healthy place so I took a break from the boards. They were consuming me. I was seeking acceptance. I was spending all of my free time just browsing the boards. I would post the littlest, most inane or mundane comments just to feel like I was part of something. I had to leave, but I came back. Last week I had felt that I wasn't ready to come back when I blew up in the Tired Shit thread, so I decided to reinstate that self-imposed break. And what did I do? I posted anyway. I don't know why I can't shake my indulgences. I don't know why I feel like a lowly poster, yet I can't seem to shut up and accept that.
The truth is I'm not sure what's wrong with me.
I have reasons for my feelings. Some I have control over; some that I do not. All of them affect me. I can only assume it's depression? Every night I get very little sleep. Every day when I wake up, I immediately regret getting out of bed. I want to curl into a ball and make it all go away forever. I feel like I am trapped without a voice; banging my fists against sound-proof glass as everyone looks back at me with contempt and judgment. I constantly contemplate how much simpler it would be if I just ended it all, and I'd have done it by now if I wasn't so damned afraid of it. Bizarre that. I feel unmotivated and anxious. I project to others as if I am collected, however my emotions are violently bubbling just blow the surface.
People have always looked to me to be the leader. People expected me to be the logical one. People looked to me to keep the peace. People looked to me to find levity in every situation. People looked to me to be a constant -- to be their constant. Little do any of them realize: I can't do it anymore. I am severely broken right now and I can't do it. Who am I to turn to when the broken have always relied on me? How do I rid myself of this guilt that comes from being unreliable; this guilt that only fuels my darkest thoughts; this guilt that perpetuates this vicious cycle?
I can't tell my wife. I've tried to tell her in the past, and it's just crushed her. She's a deeply emotional and sensitive person, and she just assumes it's her fault. I try not to be cold towards her, but I know I have been at times. I can't take medication. Every single one I have been given makes me physically ill. I can't afford to see anyone -- monetarily or through sick time. I feel helpless. I'm sinking and the weight around my ankles is only getting heavier.
Even so, I don't deserve anyone's sympathy. I'm married. I have a job. I have a home. I have family. I have you folks. Why in ever-loving fuck is that not enough? I apologize for the rambling post. I apologize for making another post about me. I apologize for apologizing. Please be patient with me.