first and foremost, I'm sorry to whomever was able to read my (rightly) swiftly deleted suicide note I posted here months ago. And I'm sorry for being away so long. But, more than anything, I am SO SORRY that I haven't been here to provide you guys with the kindness and support that all of you showed me when I was down in the deep.
from my last sentence, you may have notice the usage of WAS, which means that, yes, I have mostly overcome this last, absurdly rough bout with depression and suicide. and I would not have made it through all this without you guys. I have been under heavy treatment for a few months - spent a while at a lovely institution (save for the food... ick) where I was given access to treatments I wouldn't have undergone had I not committed myself there - and am now back to my old work schedule, a functional social life, being able to help others with their problems (something I'm good at), and ... well... just being able to enjoy life without hating myself and the world anymore.
I'm not saying it's all hunky-dory. we all know that these feelings might never go away, perhaps not even until we die. and I do have my melancholic moments sometimes (they don't overwhelm me like they used to) and I AM still taking 4 different types of medicine, but you know what?
It's all been worth it. I don't hate the new day when I wake up anymore. I don't expect so much of myself or of everyone else. I am able to be kind and good and take in people's kindness and goodness in return. and that is what seals the deal for me.
Just yesterday I had a particularly strong, almost life changing event that could have been extremely traumatic. It made me sad, of course (a lovely girl I used to date passed away yesterday. We hadn't spoken in a while, but were always friendly with each other and had nothing but affection for one another), but it didn't devastate me like it would've a few months ago. I sent her closer friends and known family members letters of condolences and offers to provide whatever assistance they might need. I said my goodbye to her in peace, in my mind. I even wept a little. But it seemed not like a moment of despair, but one of grace. I'm not a religious person, the grace I use here is the one we see in the little connections our minds make that, when done properly, briefly illuminate our sights onto beyond the mundane. It made me want to use well my days here, not end them.
so this is a very long way to say an extremely heartfelt "thank you" and a sincere promise that "I'm back for good now" and that I will do anything within my power to help all of you through whatever troubles are afflicting you. as you have so selflessly done for me. sorry for the disappearance. it's great to be back.
I love this board. (and thanks for reading this t-rex sized message)