When your relationship ends.

Ooof. My sympathies mate.

You don't want any tips from me on handling this, unless you actually want to end up dysfunctional. So maybe you should try doing the opposite of what I did and just give yourself some time to wallow in this for a bit. Just have someone ready to snap you out after a while.

a few years back i was dating a girl and it got serious pretty fast. We moved in together and everythign seemed to be going great, then out of the blue (just as I started a new job) she decided it was over. No real explanation was ever given other than she no longer loved me and to top it all off I had to find a new house and start a new job.

So yeah, I feel your pain buddy.  I found the best thing to do is to throw yourself into a hobby, dont give yourslef any down time for a few weeks untill the world sucks a little less.

Hope that helps.

Really sorry bud.

Had a few relationships end badly over the years - though nothing as serious as yours - and best advice was always to keep busy. In fact, I discovered many of my current favourite things while recovering from breakups.

Start here. It has ended. It's over. For whatever reasons, the relationship didn't work. Cut off all contact ASAP. Take all those old photos and other remembrances and get rid of them to where you won't be reminded..or be tempted to be reminded. Change your number, and your emails.  Go out and do the things you always wanted to do...healthy, productive things. Trust me, there's a lot you haven't gotten to. Stay busy, and don't cling to some hope that it can be saved, because if it got to this point, it got beyond saving.

The time for examining a failed relationship is not in the moment of it ending, but long, long after the fact, when you can ditch the angst and drama and be clear and honest about what did and didn't work. Then you can apply those lessons to your life at that time. That's all a part of growing as an individual.

Fucking Europe...

I'm sorry, RD.  I have no advice, but I still want to give you the sympathy you didn't ask for. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcnooj82 

Fucking Europe...

 

 

Hey, that's racist.

In fairness, we do indeed do a lot of fucking in Europe.

stelios is right. Advice in these situations is so loaded with pitfalls. You need to just give yourself time to take it in, and make people aware that you're probably gonna need some help and understanding over the next few months. Things WILL get better, though. Guaranteed.

Sorry to hear about this RD. People here already have given you good advice just walk away and don't look back.

Build new bridges and move in positive directions and don't worry about the bridges that are burned down already.

Good luck.

First, I am really sorry, RD. Especially that it was so unexpected.

Second, as pointed out above (and based on personal experience), cut ties as completely as possible. Maybe at some point you can be friends or whatever, but while the wounds are fresh, best approach is no contact. It'll only confuse things to try and maintain some semblence of closeness and friendship right now.

It's a day at a time thing, and the healing will be more incremental than you'd like. Give yourself time to grieve, time to be pissed, time to let it be a bit more distant. Find alternate ways to direct your energy - time with friends, new hobbies or sports, posting like mad on CHUD. If you have a few close friends - most helpfully guy friends - use them as a reality check and lens for any relationship decisions you might be tempted to make in the near future. Only you know what's best for yourself, but I know when my last serious relationship ended, I benefitted from not pursuing or trying to develop anything with anyone for several months (minimum). But you'll be the best judge of when you're ready to dive into dating stuff again.

Because this is about your feelings and thoughts, there aren't hard and fast timeframes or rules. Take care of yourself, and do your best to make healthy, long-term-sighted decisions.

Keep us posted.

Write that Dracula musical with puppets you've always wanted to. That'll keep you occupied.

At least you weren't married; you're two dogs richer than when you first met this lady.

Go to the gym. Volunteering is also a nice thing to do. Whatever you do, resist the urge to write emails, call, or drink alone.

Whatever you're feeling, let it come. Don't try to resist it. Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Give it the time and energy it wants for a while. Then you move forward. Your life may have been entwined with her, but she didn't take it with her. You'll very slowly start to remember that, but don't deny the fact that you're gonna miss her to yourself. It'll show itself in ways you can't imagine right now. Especially if you get involved with someone too soon.

Take your time with it, but slowly but surely you'll start to get over what happened. Allow yourself to feel it, dont bottle it up and not feel like you should. Some day soon you'll start to feel better. Go out and do things you enjoy to keep yourself busy. Cutting off contact is your decision, some people do some people dont.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trevor 
Whatever you do, resist the urge to ... drink alone.

I must object to this. I don't get this whole fear regarding drinking alone. There will never be a time when you're as clear and honest with yourself as when you're alone, with no distractions and some good scotch. The secret is doing it in moderation which of course can also be said about social drinking. 

Having a whiskey when you get home from work is great, but alcohol is a depressant, and won't lead to anything good for this guy right now.

Sorry to hear you're going thru one of life's toughest parts right now...I would suggest you move house/flat ASAP, it will a step closer to acheiving closure. 10 years ago, I stayed when this happened and had a horrible time made worse by the 'ghosts' that haunted my flat

Quote:

Originally Posted by Love Machine 

Sorry to hear you're going thru one of life's toughest parts right now...I would suggest you move house/flat ASAP, it will a step closer to acheiving closure. 10 years ago, I stayed when this happened and had a horrible time made worse by the 'ghosts' that haunted my flat

Moving is a good choice but not sure it is in your cards.  I moved two years after my ex left but the furniture and whatnot still came with me.  Three years into my separation/divorce I am a new living room and new dishes in and working towards a new bedroom and dining room in order to not have to look at shared possessions anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ Dylan 

Cutting off contact is your decision, some people do some people dont.

It's almost always a bad idea.

Rain Dog, my wife died suddenly four months ago. We had only been married since October and were planning to have a kid. 

I'm not telling you this to diminish your situation. I'm telling you because it may give you some small comfort that other people, even on these boards, are going through really tough shit too. It may help you to feel that though you are experiencing loss and your loss is unique to you, you are not alone in experiencing it.

That is all.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Sebastian OB.

My heartfelt, belated condolences Sebastian.

And holy shit RD, that's a huge bummer. It was mid 2006 last time I went through a major break up but one of my best buddies had a 17 year relationship fall apart late last year when his wife left him so it brought back a lot of memories into fresh focus as we talked it all out as he went through and dealt with his own situation.

First, it will hurt like madness and there will be darkness, but the wounds will heal and scar over and you will see the light again. You'll hear that plenty, but it bears repeating.

Second, and this helped out my buddy a lot, don't be afraid to search out professional counselling for yourself. My mate is the last dude you'd expect to go see any kind of therapist, a real bloke's bloke, but he looked one up and even though he only met with her four or five times it did him a world of good just to tell his story and have a pro reflect on it and relate it to their own well-developed understanding of the dynamics of relationships. A trained and experienced person you have no personal history with can be a massive help in re-orienting your own self and realising that as abnormal and horrible and lost as you'll feel at times, you do have it in you to find your new path. Eventually. And if you find a counsellor and it doesn't help, find another. Like doctors, lawyers and movie directors they're not all created equal

One of the main things not to do is beg her to give it another shot, because if you plead then she never will. This is about your own self respect, and her respect for you will hinge on this to some degree. The bargaining part of the grief will only drive her further from you if you lay it on her. If there is any chance she'll change her mind, you'll only destroy that chance if you cling to her emotionally as she tries to find space and to work out who she is without you being there for her to lean on. You'll have a lot of stuff you want to get off your chest though, so write it down. Writing is its own therapy in a lot of ways.

Lastly, because this is already getting to be too text-blocky, you say there is no anger yet, but don't be surprised if or when it comes. It sounds like you feel blindsided, and it sounds like she must have been feeling something wasn't right in your relationship for quite some time. It's totally natural to be pissed that someone you're intimate with let you feel that things were going fine when they weren't. That she mislead you, even if it was because of her own understandable fear or confronting her own doubts with you, is a kick in the nuts. You had an emotional commitment to each other and it seems like she didn't give you a chance to address the problems she saw when there was still time for you to adjust and deal with them. It'd be very normal to be angry at that betrayal, however understandable her position is.

Actually there's one more thing. Many of the worst times are in the middle of the night. When you're tired as shit and keeping physically busy isn't an option because you need rest your own brain can seem to turn against you and run reels of negativity across your mind and chase sleep away. Before you turn to drink or pills, try loading up an mp3 player with some podcasts and/or audio books. Even your favourite music sometimes only makes you feel worse because it reflects emotion back at you, and if your emotions are all fucked up that's the last thing you need. But listening to people yapping it up is a healthy distraction at times like those, especially in the middle of the night when your eyes don't want to be open so reading or watching TV or movies isn't the best option. If you can lay there with your eyes closed but still be engaged enough that your brain stops running those bad reels in front of you you'll find it easier to find sleep again.

Enormous condolences Sebastian.  My heart goes out to you.

And I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, Rain Dog.  It sucks.  Around a year ago my husband left me while I was pregnant, so I absolutely feel your vibrant crushing pain.  Or I did at least.  Now I just wish he'd move across the country so I didn't have to share my kids with him.  Which is my inelegant way of saying, this will get better.  Right now it sucks and it hurts and it's hard. But soon, probably sooner than you can conceive right now, you'll go a day without thinking about her.  Then you'll go on a vacation and it won't be full of the "oh she'd have loved that" moments.  

Until then...Bucho is the man.  Every one here has had amazing advice, but this bit of his is priceless.  I wish I had thought of that back when.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bucho 

 

 

Actually there's one more thing. Many of the worst times are in the middle of the night. When you're tired as shit and keeping physically busy isn't an option because you need rest your own brain can seem to turn against you and run reels of negativity across your mind and chase sleep away. Before you turn to drink or pills, try loading up an mp3 player with some podcasts and/or audio books. Even your favourite music sometimes only makes you feel worse because it reflects emotion back at you, and if your emotions are all fucked up that's the last thing you need. But listening to people yapping it up is a healthy distraction at times like those, especially in the middle of the night when your eyes don't want to be open so reading or watching TV or movies isn't the best option. If you can lay there with your eyes closed but still be engaged enough that your brain stops running those bad reels in front of you you'll find it easier to find sleep again.

My condolences as well to Sebastian.

Rain Dog... Many here have already given you some golden perspective. Here's my two cents.

My marriage ended 3 years ago. Although I told myself at the time that I accepted it and was ready to move on, I'm only now truly starting to come around. And it's hard. In my case, it isn't easy because I still have contact with her... There's a kid involved. These things all make it a lot harder to just let go.

When she first left, I quickly entered into a deep depression... And I was drinking at least a six pack every night just to be able to fall asleep. It fucked with me at work to the point that my supervisor had to have a talk with me. The point being: I didn't do the smart thing and I let my depression get the better of me. The important thing to remember is that when you hurt yourself in this way, you're the only one that really gets hurt. Once you realize that, you see how pointless it is. You think you're lashing out at her by hurting yourself. Almost like you want her to see how broken you are because of her actions. But that's absolutely the worst thing you can do because it only makes you more pathetic. And she's moving on as she has a right to. So should you.

Of course you will miss her. And you will miss her, most likely, forever. Because people are different. So, even when you move on with someone new (which you will, eventually. Don't worry about that.), the ex will occasionally pop up... In dreams... In thoughts... She was an important part of your life for so long that you wouldn't be human if a residue didn't still remain. But, in time, you will hopefully be able to look on that as a fond memory, rather than a source of heartache. You loved, man. And the fact you did so honestly is a gift. The fact you can feel that is a gift. It's the cliché of 'it's better to have loved and lost..." but as lame as that sounds, it's actually true.

And as far as missing her is concerned, you will find in time that what you actually miss are the moments. You miss the relationship itself more than the person. You say it came as a shock. But if things ended so suddenly, it means they were probably headed downwind for some time... And, once you have some perspective, this will become clearer to you. Things couldn't have been great. If they were, things wouldn't be over.

In a situation like this, you may find that you want to blame yourself. It's kind of natural. "Why was she not happy?" "What did I do wrong?" "What more could I have done?" The answers to those questions are 'it doesn't matter' and 'nothing.' A relationship can only truly work when there is mutual contentment. If one of the parties is unsatisfied or unhappy, it won't work. But this dissatisfaction is not necessarily because of the other person. Sometimes it just is. Clearly she needed something else. That doesn't mean another person. It just means that the space the two of you were inhabiting was not what she wanted. And that's really nobody's fault.

Healing is a bitch on this sort of thing, man. My wife and I were only married for 4 years. But this is a woman who was a very important part of my life (as both a friend and a lover) for 15. And the end result is that it's a little bit like taking a carving knife to the slab of meat that is your life and lopping a huge chunk off and watching it slap onto the tile floor of your kitchen. It feels like shit, of course.

But remember that you are not alone. You do have friends and people who care for you. Reach out to them and they will be there to see you through this. It is in moments like this that you discover who your friends truly are. And the great value of these friendships. I eventually have found my way through this with the help of some dear people in my life. You will too.

I'm still there. It's an uphill battle... But I am definitely better now than I was in 2008. And I will get better still.

Also... 2008 is the year I became a really active poster and blogger around here. And I can assure you that is not a coincidence.... I actually owe Chud a small measure of my sanity. So all the advice that screams: FIND A HOBBY - FIND A DISTRACTION... Sound advice.

.....

As far as the future? It's taken me this long to even consider the possibility of entering into a new relationship. Not the actual doing... The considering. But I guess that varies. One thing that is certain is that it won't be a real relationship until you are very much healing or totally healed. Anything before that will pretty much be brainless fucking.

But brainless fucking has its advantages as well. So don't be afraid to try some of that when the time comes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichaelM 

 

It's almost always a bad idea.

 

I never said it was a good idea. Hahaha. I was just saying its totally up to him.

My condolences, Sebastian. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.

Rain Dog, sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. 10 years is a long time. I don't have much advice, other than to agree with the other gents on here that you should keep yourself busy with an activity or activities. Back in 2006, when I foolishly left my wonderful Vanessa, I started working out and got myself into shape, but I was a shell of a man. Sure, I had fun, but I thought I was going to have freedom, and in the end, I put myself into a relationship that burnt out really fast. Thankfully, Vanessa accepted me back (she had been in a relationship that went south THE SAME WEEK mine did) and we've been together ever since. I'm not advocating running back to her, as in my rare case, it worked (it was also my fault for leaving her, not the other way around. I just wasn't in the right mature mind set about our relationship at that point, like I am now. I was just a dumb 22 year old.) so going back would be the wrong thing. Take it one day at a time, and keep thinking positive. I mentioned this thread to her, and she said a quote she had read. "Some day someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." Wise words.

Glad that you chose us here on the boards to ask for advice, as this thread has thus far been positive information, and unlike before, there hasn't been any snarky assholes who have entered here just to add to the grief.

My goodness Sebastion, my heart goes out to you.  You too, Rain Dog. Ten years is a long time my friend.  Lots of good words in the thread for you tho.

Seriously, the people in this thread (as well as a few others), and their heart-felt words are a large part of what keeps me coming to CHUD daily.

Cheers folks.

Melatonin will become your friend. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rain Dog 
I'm at work now and have slapped a happy face on for the public....

I feel you man. Don't know what your job is. ... I'm an English teacher. Having to keep up the energy and enthusiasm at the workplace is a trying thing, isn't it? But, in a way, it does help.

Since I've joined CHUD I've barely posted but everyone I've had brief back and forth exchanges with have been great and as a lurker I can say without laying it on too thick you're a good guy Rain and I'm right there with you. My marriage has pretty abruptly started crumbling around me and it's like waking up in a Bizzaro-centric issue of Superman. I've thrown myself pretty heavily into work and getting around to doing all the little odds and ends things I kept promising people, a lot of guitars and gas tanks to be painted. I can't say I know you, at all, but if it offers any comfort at all you aren't the only one putting on a smile and pushing through. You'll exit this with a fresh outlook. 

Bucho's post is gold. Great advice, and very reality-based.

Stay with us, RD. We'll do what we can from this end of the Internet.

There has been a lot of great advice here. Seriously,

- Just don't deny your feelings. I'm terrible at bottling things up, but feel MUCH better when I just let it out or talk about it.

- Family and friends....they love and care about you, and it'll help to get things off your chest.

- whenever your feeling strongly about something, write it down on paper. Read it back to yourself.....then throw it away.....it sounds stupid but it's helped me a lot.

- my best piece of advice would be to STAY ACTIVE. Go to the gym. Go run or walk. It'll keep you in shape, help avoid or alleviate depression, and will help you sleep at night (and like Bucho said, those are the roughest times......when your mind can wander).

Hang in there both/all of you.....the fact that you can at least talk about it here......that's a big step in the right direction.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamnDirtyApe 

 

- my best piece of advice would be to STAY ACTIVE. Go to the gym. Go run or walk. It'll keep you in shape, help avoid or alleviate depression, and will help you sleep at night (and like Bucho said, those are the roughest times......when your mind can wander).

I thnk this is key. Being active - especially when you feel like doing nothing - will help avoid a lot of pitfalls and help move you forward. Spending a lot of time alone and not actively moving much will only make you feel stuck.

In late 2008, I lost my job and had a relationship I thought was headed for marriage end. Doubly fucked - no money, no love. While I job searched (and thankfully landed some contract work), I did what I could stay active with friends and family. Even joined some local Meetup groups, only one of which turned out to be worth the long haul...but it was all worth the time, as it helped get me out of the house, out of my shell, and focused on exernal things, rather than the worry and pain.

The middle of the night stuff can be killer. There were some nights I was at Starbucks at 3 AM, reading and having some hot chocolate, simply to escape my own space. Do what you need to.

I feel for the guys here going through incredible heartache,,, RD, SOB, etc.

Been married for 12 years last Sunday. We've had more than our share of bumpy roads (deaths in the family, job relocation and layoffs). I'm currently seeking out marriage counseling in a hope that we're strong enough to start repairs. We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter and a life together we've invested in. Been through breakups before marriage and was raised in a broken home, and I have no desire to go through that again nor put my daughter through it. I love my wife and want to do right by her, but I worry that sometimes that's not enough. In modern times, when it's necessary for both spouses to work to live paycheck to paycheck and all of our conversations revolve around bills, schedule, and child's needs, it's hard not to become civil roommates after a time. Romance? What's that?

Seems like the more I try, the worse it gets. Advice... Wish I had some to give. But I'll send positive thoughts/prayers in your directions, guys.

It seems to me that both marriage and the concept of the long term exclusive relationship and the nuclear family are fighting a losing battle nowadays. They are concepts applicable to a society drastically different than our own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stelios 

It seems to me that both marriage and the concept of the long term exclusive relationship and the nuclear family are fighting a losing battle nowadays. They are concepts applicable to a society drastically different than our own.

That is about the saddest most depressing thing I've read in a while.  But I can't deny the possibility.  I fought for my marriage, through infidelity and the whole civil roommate thing (great phrase Darkmite btw).  Mostly because I grew up without a father (not his fault he died) and couldn't bear to make my children suffer that. Eventually it just wasn't enough, and everything I knew in my adult life-met my husband at 20-changed.  However, I still have hope that the ideal, a marriage that lasts, still is possible.  Keep the hope alive man!

Edited because I edited the wrong post.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verber 

and the whole civil roommate thing (great phrase Darkmite btw).

It's kind of sad/amusing how both definitions of the word "civil" apply here.

- of the ordinary life and affairs of citizens
- complacently respectful

That really reminds me of Ethan Hawke's description of his marriage in Before Sunset.  "Running a nursery with a good friend."

Dear breakup dudes: I know I haven't posted here in a while, but read over my stuff in that one relationship thread that someone else linked. Also, go out and get some rebound fucking out of your system tout de suite. This does not necessarily apply to Sebastian, who is one of the best guys and has trooped through some really horrible, depressing shit over the past few months and is an even more awesome person for having done so. FB me if you want to get a drink sometime, sir, my treat.

My sympathies to RD and Sebastian, we don't see eye to eye but you both have had a shitty fucking hand dealt.

I had a particularly nasty break up about two years ago, and the thing I found that really helped was a book called 'Things The Grandchildren Should Know' by Mark Oliver Everett. It's an autobiography and I found it kind of inspiring and comforting largely because it detailed how Oliver Everett used these shitty, terrible, experiences in his life to create his art, but never made it overly inspirational. It's a painful, angry, book, but it's fascinating to me.

My sincerist sympathies Sebastian.

I cant stress enough the need to keep yourself busy RD its what got me through my last big breakup.  But Jake is also right, the whole rebound shag also works a treat.

Rain Dog: Let ou whatever's inside, because you DO NOT want to carry that shit into your next relationship.  Next, you need to keep busy DOING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU TRULY HAPPY.  Don't just do something for the sake of doing it, because you won't enjoy it and it will only remind you of why you're doing it.  You need to make yourself well again.  When you are ready to get back in the dating game, do it.  Not a moment beforehand, no matter what your friends say, no matter whether they say they "found a nice girl", NO NO NO.  If you're not ready, you're not ready.  Spend a lot of time with your friends.  They make you feel good.  They support you.  They love you, if they are indeed friends.  Friends help a lot.

Sebastian: I am so deeply, deeply sorry, and I just said a prayer for you.  I hope you're surrounded by people who love you, truly.

Man, that sucks, RD. I agree with what others have said. You'll go through the stages of grief. That's totally normal. Don't dwell on it. Let yourself feel your feelings but don't dwell on it.  Find good happy distractions and spend a lot of time with friends. It will get better. 

And Sebastian -- I can't imagine what you're going through. My belated condolences and sympathies. My thoughts are with you. 

I'm probably a lot younger (20) than most people here, so maybe my wisdom isn't quite as sage, but I'd like to throw out the seemingly backwards advice that you should try to actually relish this period of trauma and heartbreak as best you can, because it will fade and, just like the quote from Swingers, you'll bizarrely find yourself missing it. This is partially because you lived with it so long, but also because the whole experience of the break-up will become part of the crazy amalgam of memories dreams and reflections that form your life. I, for one, can say I feel glad about the periods of loss I've endured simply because going through life sealed away in an airless bubble of bliss is boring, and things need to be shaken up in order to guarantee that your life will be one of continuous forward movement and personal development.

So my fairly inexperienced advice (I had one 4-year relationship fall on its face about a year ago, and that's the extent of my knowledge) would be to enjoy the opportunity to bask in misery and loss and seize the chance to stake your claim on those emotional lows. Then, when you come out the other side, you'll be that much more conscious of the tremendous variety of emotional experiences we petty humans are able to access and how you, individually, respond(ed) to them. Good luck, man.

I'll also echo the sympathy for Sebastian. A terrible personal tragedy to be sure. I am very sorry for your loss.

I thnk that is your youth speaking, without meaning to sound like some asshole knowitall older guy (and I'm twice your age). I think allowing the feelings to come, acknowledging them, and doing what RD (and Sebastian) can to channel that energy into something more positive and forward thinking is good. Relishing/wallowing in the grief isn't healthy; it's like inviting deeper and more prolonged hurt. Bad breakups hurt enough all by themselves. I don't think it's going to benefit RD (or anyone) to take some kind of weird joy in the pain.

Haha yeah, I wasn't entirely suggesting he take weird joy in it. It's just helpful to recognize that it's kind of a unique experience of its own, although obviously not a happy one, and try to absorb what that entails. I'm not encouraging anybody to find masochistic glee in a break-up, for the record. lol

Edit: And I do of course think most of the other advice here is very useful in a more pragmatic day-to-day sense, especially Bucho's post (and it's all certainly more useful than most of the advice I sought out on the internet at that time).

Rain Dog, you seem like a really awesome guy judging by your posts. What you're going through is really shitty and a bunch of other posters with tons more intelligence and experience than me have already given you some really great advice. However, if you're willing to listen to some as idiotic as me, in addition to the much better advice posted earlier in the thread I'd recommend listening to "Now you're a Man" from the Orgazmo soundtrack while breaking things.

Sebastian, I'm so sorry. I know there's no way I can really comprehend the depth and magnitude of your loss. I wish I was a bit more poetic or intelligent so I could perhaps say something meaningful. Nevertheless I can only offer you my deepest sympathies for your loss.

First, condolences to everyone here who's lost someone or is going through the pain of separation. I'm divorced, and have never re-married, and never intend to.

Second, I'll do the kindest thing I can possibly do: I won't give you any advice at all.