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I'm seeing some friends later for a board game night, so the day's not a total downer.
I'm tempted just to take whatever they offer so this is over and done with. I'm really not in the mood to go around town vetting offers on the last tangible symbols of my marriage.
Sometimes the peace of mind given by expediency is worth more than a few extra dollars. I think you're on the right track; get it done and move to what's next.
By way of update - and on topic with the "peace of mind" consideration:
Lasted a week without contact to him or from him and of course, being who I am (an overthinker and a lawyer to boot) over the weekend I reviewed everything that happened as best I could from recollection and from the email/IM/SMS history between us. And though I already knew it was 95% certain he met up with his new squeeze the weekend before he broke up with me; it only just clicked into place that there was another time a couple of weeks prior to that he'd also gone "AWOL" and been funny/silent treatmenty towards me. And I decided after talking it through with a mate that it wasn't doing me any favours speculating and that if I could just get "the whole truth" it'd help me move on a bit.
So looooooong email later with a barrage of direct questions to him I get the truth I sought - and which he up til then had denied me because he's the type of person who thinks actually explaining things factually doesn't answer questions or resolve problems (snark: yes! he's studying to be a psychologist!).
So - Yes: he met up with her about 2-3 weeks before he broke up with me, the first time he went AWOL.
Yes: he had already decided that despite actually being happy, he actually wasn't happy, had decided to end it and gave me the silent treatment/went AWOL out of town because he wanted to be sure of his decision and also because he didn't want to face having the break-up talk with me. He then met up with New Woman on his way back to town on the premise that he thought he was just going to catch up with an old friend whom he hadn't seen in a long time and didn't expect it to turn into a relationship.
He then decided to continue to not have the break-up talk with me for another 2-ish weeks because of time constraints and still not wanting to face the experience. I express my anxiety about him giving me the silent treatment and ask where I stand with him. He tells me not to stress.
Despite those time constraints, yes he did have a nooky meet-up with New Woman out of town the weekend before he broke up with me. Gives me the silent treatment for 5 days until he actually sees me at his work and can't avoid the issue any longer. Breaks up with me. Does not tell me he has already embarked on relationship with New Woman because he didn't want me to think his being with her was the reason he broke up with me. Has further nooky meet-up with her the weekend after he breaks up with me (those darn time constraints!!!)
Continues to flirt with me/be matey with me/talk to me every day for the next 2 months. I think I still have a chance to win him back, thinking he's so busy at work that he wouldn't have time to meet someone else and look, he's so flirty with me! He announces he's looking to move away for various reasons. None of which include "to be closer to my new woman" which is the actual reason for the particular city he's moving to.
I discover by chance the evidence that he's found someone else and think given the date of the evidence he just moved on really quickly AFTER he broke up with me. No no no. He was so firm in his mind that he didn't want to be with me he launched into what now appears to be another serious relationship BEFORE he breaks up with me.
So, you know what, now having the full story, it's actually like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm still sad as hell about it all and I think his thought processes about why concealing things of such significance was him "trying to do the right thing" are kind of screwy because, honestly, if he had just told me everything from the get go, I'd be all of 2+ months further down the road of feeling less like road-kill than I am now.
PRO-TIP GUYS: *SOMETIMES* TELLING THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH is better than selectively passing on information on the premise that you assume the recipient will get the wrong idea if they knew the truth. Of course, in my case, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy - he concealed that he had a new g/f so I wouldn't think our break-up was about her, so naturally when I INEVITABLY found out about her, I immediately assumed it was. But, hey, he fucked up. He fucked up but good. So I forgave him. It doesn't lessen the pain of actually reading the words from him "I wasn't in love with you" (despite already kind of knowing that by now), but I can move on now.
Urgh, sorry guys, there was actually proper paragraphing in the above post before I submitted it!
ETA: Have finally got the paragraphing fixed, if only so there wasn't such an unsightly wall of text on the page.
I have never seen anyone, male or female, post college at least, break up an actual relationship without someone waiting in the wings. Never. Of course I'm speaking from personal and second hand experience so your own may vary.
It was risky picking and your wounds like that but you got lucky. Now MOVE ON!
I'm seeing some friends later for a board game night, so the day's not a total downer.
I'm tempted just to take whatever they offer so this is over and done with. I'm really not in the mood to go around town vetting offers on the last tangible symbols of my marriage.
I'd probably hold out for the best offer possible but y'know... Jewish.
Checked a couple of places, both offered the same amount. The place I sold them to seemed pretty sincered about being sorry it wasn't more, but I told them it was more for closure than for profit. Still, a chunk of change I didn't have before yesterday.
Still feel somewhat guilty about it, but only in the sense of some vague "What if things change?" kind of feeling, and that ain't happening. Too much water under too many bridges. Besides, she put her wedding dress up on eBay before she'd even moved out, so it's clear the symbols don't mean all that much to her.
Sorry to hear that Richard. I sat on my ex's rings for three and a half years before finally deciding to let them go. I obviously had time to figure out how much they were worth and got what I asked after talking to the jeweler a bit about the whole thing. He came up a few hundred to my price after that talk so if I ever decide to go back down that path he did get a customer out of me and I have sent him a referral or two.
I hope life is getting better every day.
Checked a couple of places, both offered the same amount. The place I sold them to seemed pretty sincered about being sorry it wasn't more, but I told them it was more for closure than for profit. Still, a chunk of change I didn't have before yesterday.
Still feel somewhat guilty about it, but only in the sense of some vague "What if things change?" kind of feeling, and that ain't happening. Too much water under too many bridges. Besides, she put her wedding dress up on eBay before she'd even moved out, so it's clear the symbols don't mean all that much to her.
I'm sorry mate, I hope you're okay. Spend the money on something indulgent.
I have never seen anyone, male or female, post college at least, break up an actual relationship without someone waiting in the wings. Never. Of course I'm speaking from personal and second hand experience so your own may vary.
It was risky picking and your wounds like that but you got lucky. Now MOVE ON!
I agree completely, from experience.
I have never seen anyone, male or female, post college at least, break up an actual relationship without someone waiting in the wings. Never. Of course I'm speaking from personal and second hand experience so your own may vary.
I've seen it...and done it. It's called self-respect.
Getting away from some dysfunctional hellscape is one thing. You can go "Fuck this bullshit" and bail. I'm talking about regular relationships with regular troubles.
To be fair I have seen it but yes, having someone else to run to makes it so much more easier.
My personal and second hand experience (to date) hasn't been that. Am in the highly unusual situation where nearly all my friends/relatives paired up early and have stayed paired up with only one or two exceptions where it seems like other reasons (not having someone else on stand-by) caused the break-up.
In my own situation, I guess I can take it that he has no more reason to lie to me about why he ended it, and him moving onto (literally!) someone else effectively immediately was just life's circumstances gifting him a veritable buffet of women in quick succession (he'd only been single for about 2mths before I met him; prior to that it seems like he's not been "single" for any prolonged period of time since his teens).
Or maybe he's just deluding himself about why he arranged to meet up with her in the first place.
Or he is just lying to me.
I kind of hope this latest dalliance does turn out to be permanent for him, if only to take him out of the general population. And I hope she knocks some sense into him.
Had to unsubscribe from my ex-girlfriend's Facebook updates after she posted a picture of her and some douchey-looking guy at a baseball game yesterday. It was all I could do not to add a comment: "Have you told him how emotionally unavailable you are?"
Had to unsubscribe from my ex-girlfriend's Facebook updates after she posted a picture of her and some douchey-looking guy at a baseball game yesterday. It was all I could do not to add a comment: "Have you told him how emotionally unavailable you are?"
Satisfying as that would have been, you were right to unsubscribe. Though I'm genuinely puzzled about remaining connected to her in that way - am I the only one who believes in the clean break?
Satisfying as that would have been, you were right to unsubscribe. Though I'm genuinely puzzled about remaining connected to her in that way - am I the only one who believes in the clean break?
No you're not. At least in cases of acrimonious break-ups.
No you're not. At least in cases of acrimonious break-ups.
I'm in favor of it in nearly ALL break ups. I just think it's necessary for everyone to readjust. There are very, very few breakups where it's mutual and amiable. A clean break gives both parties time to get emotional distance, healing, and perspective.
[Cue flood of posts from people who stay really good friends with exes and love it. Fine. Glad it works for you. I have never, ever seen it in actual life where one of the exes wasn't remaining in contact hoping to get things going again.]
[Cue flood of posts from people who stay really good friends with exes and love it. Fine. Glad it works for you. I have never, ever seen it in actual life where one of the exes wasn't remaining in contact hoping to get things going again.]
I'd bizarrely held out hope that she'd realize her mistake and come crawling back. So I wanted to leave that door open by not severing ties completely. I guess this was as good a wake-up call as any. "Nope, she's gone, Brad. Time to bury those feelings you have in a deep dark hole in your heart and cover them with cement."
I'd bizarrely held out hope that she'd realize her mistake and come crawling back. So I wanted to leave that door open by not severing ties completely. I guess this was as good a wake-up call as any. "Nope, she's gone, Brad. Time to bury those feelings you have in a deep dark hole in your heart and cover them with cement."
I hear ya on all of the above. I'm going to start exercising my butt off to get those endorphins going, just to try and keep the urge to either fall into a depressive state (or take a jackhammer to my own cement-encased grave of feelings) at bay. And ensure I have plans every single Saturday night when I would otherwise be talking/hanging with him or wishing I was.
I finally said, "The hell with it," and unfriended her. Something I should've done months ago. I already feel better.
I finally said, "The hell with it," and unfriended her. Something I should've done months ago. I already feel better.
So...my wife of twenty years wants to dissolve our marriage, and I am not too upset about it. My primary concern is our twelve year old son, who is prospering in every way right now and I don't want that to be disrupted. She's ten years younger than me, and today is her fortieth birthday. We're in different places in our lives, and people change. I recognize that. I'm looking to relax more, and she's looking to sleep around again. I can tend to retreat emotionally when pressed, and she's great at pressing. She's had a lot of health issues over our time together, especially bouts with depression and anger issues where I was the literal scapegoat and punching bag. Maybe I'm relieved it's over, but I'm certainly not upset. I did my best. We're on the same page about the kid, and she knows that if she tried to keep me from him things would quickly deterioirate into mutally assured destruction. My son already thought we were going to break up, so it's no revelation to him. Hopefully he will be less damaged by us breaking up and not staying together for his sake. I just don't want him to be the new scapegoat once I'm mostly out of the picture.
Our most immediate issue is I am getting ready to start a new, lower paying job, after nearly a year of unemployment. She's all but completed her teaching degree, needing to do her student teaching in the fall before she can start working anywhere. So I am still financially supporting everyone with no backup. She obviously can't look for a new place to live until she's got a job. So we're going to be under the same roof for at least the next six months. Possibly longer depending on finances. I'd love to be away before the yearly SAD bout hits in February.
Anyway, she's telling me I should date. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Twenty years of being screamed at and belittled is more than enough for me, thanks much.
Jesus, man. Nothing but the best wishes to you.
Shit Viv, you're in my thoughts mate. Stay strong sir.
All of this time you're spending thinking of him, he's spending not thinking of you. Move on.
STAY STRONG, VIV.
Wow, Viv. That is awful, even if it's a relief and good thing in the long run.
If your new job has an EAP as part of its health care (assuming you have health care through it), you may want to consider taking advantage of that for a few sessions, to get an objective voice in assisting you with coping techniques for the rough time ahead. Sometimes it's really helpful to have someone whose sole stake in the situation is your emotional and mental health to reflect some things back and offer some suggestions.
Regardless, keeping moving forward. Better things are coming.
Best wishes Dr Vivisector.
What Michael M said, Doc. Even if it's only one or two sessions, it helps to talk to somebody who has no vested interest in either side.
Viv, for what it's worth, I'm 51, divorced, haven't been in an active relationship for almost two years, and I've never been happier or more content in my life.
In other news, it's likely I'm at least seeing and possibly signing the paperwork this evening.
Yay, I guess?
Hang in there, man.
In other news, it's likely I'm at least seeing and possibly signing the paperwork this evening.
Yay, I guess?
Not yay, but some closure. Tonight might be tough, but I'll be tomorrow you'll find yourself breathing a bit easier.
Viv, for what it's worth, I'm 51, divorced, haven't been in an active relationship for almost two years, and I've never been happier or more content in my life.
Here's hoping I can follow a similar trajectory, sir. I know that perhaps I'm numb to the things I'm going to miss, such as the daily contact with my son. He's my reason to get up in the morning, and not seeing him on a daily basis is going to sting like an amputated limb.
Both the soon to be ex and I have make some serious mistakes along the way. I'm cautious to the point of paranoia that she's going to try to screw me somehow over parental rights or some kind of fnancial trick. If both sides play cleanly, this won't be too bad. But I will seek counseling when I can, thanks for the suggestion everyone.
I do appreciate the kind and supportive words. I don't have a lot of face to face friends anymore thanks in part to the STBX's particular brand of crazy, so I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. I look forward to trying to revive a dead and buried social life that goes beyond my son's sports teammates and their parents.
Here's hoping I can follow a similar trajectory, sir. I know that perhaps I'm numb to the things I'm going to miss, such as the daily contact with my son. He's my reason to get up in the morning, and not seeing him on a daily basis is going to sting like an amputated limb.
Both the soon to be ex and I have make some serious mistakes along the way. I'm cautious to the point of paranoia that she's going to try to screw me somehow over parental rights or some kind of fnancial trick. If both sides play cleanly, this won't be too bad.
Two things:
As a divorced dad, I will unhappily confirm that missing out on daily, in-person contact with your child(ren) sucks. Period. There's no replacement for it. However, in this day and age, online and phone contact can help ease the pain. I talk to my daughters every day on the phone, am connected to them via Facebook, and see them usually during the week outside of normally scheduled times (school events, other things). It will take a while, but you'll find your balance. What's key is that your son sees, through your actions, that what happens to him on a daily basis remains important to you.
Second: LAWYER UP. I know costs may seem prohibitive, but if your STBX is capable of screwing you over, better safe than sorry. My attorney for the initial divorce wasn't very helpful, but the one I've used since (having gone through two layoffs and needing to petition for adjusted monthly support payments) has been great and made a huge difference.
Two things:
As a divorced dad, I will unhappily confirm that missing out on daily, in-person contact with your child(ren) sucks. Period. There's no replacement for it. However, in this day and age, online and phone contact can help ease the pain. I talk to my daughters every day on the phone, am connected to them via Facebook, and see them usually during the week outside of normally scheduled times (school events, other things). It will take a while, but you'll find your balance. What's key is that your son sees, through your actions, that what happens to him on a daily basis remains important to you.
Second: LAWYER UP. I know costs may seem prohibitive, but if your STBX is capable of screwing you over, better safe than sorry. My attorney for the initial divorce wasn't very helpful, but the one I've used since (having gone through two layoffs and needing to petition for adjusted monthly support payments) has been great and made a huge difference.
Yes, modern day tech does promise to make this better. But he's entering the teenage stage where he won't talk to us anyway. Good timing, eh?
As for the legal advice, I know. My wife is well aware that if she tried to screw me over in any way, I have a proverbial nuke in my pocket that would effectively destroy her career before it even starts. But I am not going to use it because I want her to be self sufficient finanically so she will leave me the fuck alone. If she screws it up once I'm out of the picture, it's not my problem.
I'm curious as to why you are so certain you'll be on the losing end of custody. Seems like you have resigned yourself to your son living with her. If you care to share why wouldn't he be better off with you considering her propensity towards insanity?
I only ask because I have noticed through many posts around here that I seem to be one of the only divorced fathers with full custody.
Yes, modern day tech does promise to make this better. But he's entering the teenage stage where he won't talk to us anyway. Good timing, eh?
Teenage years can be pretty difficult for everyone involved. It's been a mixed bag for me; while both daughters have been relatively drama free (especially compared to some friends' kids and the horror stories I've heard from parents who survived the experience of raising teenage girls), it's not without its challenges.
Best you can do is be consistent and aim for the long term; I try to keep in mind what I want my relationship with my daughters to look like when they're in their mid-20s (and later), and try to let that guide me, if that makes any sense.
I'm curious as to why you are so certain you'll be on the losing end of custody. Seems like you have resigned yourself to your son living with her. If you care to share why wouldn't he be better off with you considering her propensity towards insanity?
I only ask because I have noticed through many posts around here that I seem to be one of the only divorced fathers with full custody.
Right now, we're on the same page as for shared custody. But I was very clear with her that I don't want our custody agreement to force me to have to go to court should her go into one of her depressive bouts. If things get that bad for her, I want the kid out of the situation.
Teenage years can be pretty difficult for everyone involved. It's been a mixed bag for me; while both daughters have been relatively drama free (especially compared to some friends' kids and the horror stories I've heard from parents who survived the experience of raising teenage girls), it's not without its challenges.
Best you can do is be consistent and aim for the long term; I try to keep in mind what I want my relationship with my daughters to look like when they're in their mid-20s (and later), and try to let that guide me, if that makes any sense.
That too is my philosophy as well. I didn't have a good relationship with my dad because he was a terrible racist, among other things. I won't have that issue with my kid, but I'd like to think I'd be more supportive of him throughout his teen and later years.
I suppose I can go into it here, considering it's relatively secure in terms of identity.
She is getting her degree through one of the major online schools. While she had a special gift with children in the classroom, she is not the greatest student. But I was a National Merit Scholar, so I know a thing or two. I've edited her weekly papers, or even ghost written them, to the point she has a four point average with one class left to complete. In addition, I've performed the required weekly class participation exercises for her classes on my laptop. If I were to contact the school, I doubt she could survive the scrutiny. That would mean no degree, no higher paying career, and a buttload of school debt with little way to pay it back.
I am certain that she can do the job once she is in the classroom, as she has many years of assistant teaching and work with special needs students. But if she had tried to do this on her own, she would have quit inside a year. As it was, she nearly quit four or five times over the four years. I encouraged her, and then when I lost my job, I suggested she focus on her required standarized tests while I used what retirement funds I had left from where I had lost my job. Now that that money is almost gone, she pulls this. So to me, it's in my best interest that she become self sufficient as quickly as possible. But should push come to shove, this is in my pocket.
Cost of a marriage license in Florida: $95
Cost for a simple dissolution of marriage in Florida: $400.
Not counting the cost of having to pay some guy to come and actually serve me papers. Can't just go down to the courthouse with her and say, "Hey, I'm cool with this, no kids, no shared assets, let's do this." Nope, she has to go petition, then I have to be summoned to respond, then I have to go respond, then she has to go back and confirm my response, THEN we're assigned a court date. If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was some institutionalized program to make people not want to get divorced.
I've been saying for years that it should be much harder to get married than to get divorced.
It's been a while since I looked at this thread, so it's been a lot of catching up on where some of you guys are. Viv, Doc, Richard: I'm sorry to hear what you guys have been going through lately, and can only say that you're all in my thoughts. You'll all find your ways out of your respective shitstorms, but I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're all here 'projecting strength' Derek Smalls-style in the hopes of helping you guys along, even if just in a vaguely spiritual new-agey hippy kind of style.
I've been saying for years that it should be much harder to get married than to get divorced.
I just wonder how many bad marriages endure because the parties involved don't have the money or the time to end them. I can't see anything about the process more involved than getting the license that would require the huge bump in expense.
