So.... too many irons in the fire I guess.
Add on top of the divorce-that-will-never-be the current lass I have been seeing for the past year and a half. I think I mentioned her in the dating thread. Twelve years my junior with twin boys and a daughter of her own to my two boys. Absolute blast to hang out with and many shared interests from a geek POV. She has a housewife fetish thing which went very well with my general fuck-it-all laziness and blisteringly hot sex with a my-God-its-full-of-stars libido.
From day one she knew I was incapable of loving another person because of two past relationships. She insisted that she didn't want more. I let her fall in love, knew she was and continued on for more months than I should have.
We had a pregnancy scare which kinda brought a bunch into perspective for me(and her as well). I cannot have another child at this point in my life. She needs to finish college and absolutely cannot have one for that reason alone let alone others.
We agreed we cannot continue on and have decided in a not entirely mutual way to step back. This was Friday night(I made her spend the night because I knew she wouldn't go home and would most likely "sleep" in her car crying all night) so obviously my weekend was shit. We have continued to speak via text and chat all weekend and she is not doing well obviously. She had been wanting a tattoo since we met two years ago and I had offered to pay for it the whole time. Her sister was getting a new one and she decided to finally get hers so I sat with her while she got it Saturday night.
The scariest part for me is that I am sad off and on and miss her already but I feel so completely empty and black hearted as if to confirm my lost ability to feel for someone else in the way I felt for my ex wife and the rebound relationship that totally crushed my spirit. I am scared that I truly cannot love again. Maybe this is how it feels when you just aren't that into someone but I really do care for this young lady and want to remain friends with her. But on the other hand I was promised forever twice and I don't believe anyone when they tell me they aren't my two exes. I just "know" that something will bring them to the end of their rope with me years from now and I will be blindsided again with betrayal, desertion and loneliness.
Several times in the last eight of these twenty months with her I have felt like letting my guard down with her; of giving her that part of me I promised never again to allow to be wounded. I never quite could. So many things swirled in my head, the age difference, my current unfit financial situation with respect to myself and two kids let alone three more and a college student, my current situation with hoping to persuade my ex-wife to allow me and our kids a move to Atlanta, etc.
Also, Harley, I am saddened too for your friend. It is never easy and even more so out of the blue. Prayers and good thoughts her way.