No Autobot Twins. Hehehehe
So much insane action. So much epic destruction. All of it so well-done and impressive to behold. But it's all for so little.
This doesn't feel anywhere near as offensive as the 2nd movie (shaaaaaame...), but that actually kinda hurt the movie for me. I may be the only person on CHUD (aside from Policar) that actually loved Revenge of the Fallen in my own douchey way. It's shit, I agree. But I went to an IMAX showing of the movie with my friends where we all giggled like a bunch of morons. I can tear it apart with gusto, but I can't hate it. It really does feel like unfiltered Michael Bay squeezed through a PG-13 filter that somehow makes it more offensive than the R-rated Bad Boys II.
No question... the first movie is the best of the three (not that it means much). But I've always been lukewarm towards it. The Boy and his Car aspect of the story is fun, but that gets dropped once the plot gets in the way. So the movie should make up for it with cool robot action, right? Aside from Optimus on the highway, I never felt I got that kick-ass, fist-pumping moment from the movie. Its climax fizzles to a conclusion just like the Allspark that Shia LaBeouf holds up to Megatron's bosom.
So basically, the only reason I give the 2nd movie a 'pass' is because I got that one 'moment' I wanted from Optimus Prime's fight in the woods. Combined with how batshit horrible the movie was (robot heaven, useless Jordanians, military-funding porn, hot-girl Decepticons), it really sealed the deal for me. I got a kick out of it. Simple guy. Simple tastes.
As dumb as Bay's films could be, his work with Bruckheimer was usually good about providing such moments. Now, either I've matured beyond such theatrics (not likely) or Bay's getting to be kinda hit-or-miss with that specific touch... for as impressive a technical feat Dark of the Moon is, it doesn't deliver the goods. But boy, does it try.
The main hook for the story is pretty fun with the Apollo 11 mission being a cover to investigate a crashed Cybertronian ship. A VERY distractingly CG JFK aside, it's a very cool alternate history prologue to the film.
From there, it's just kind of a badly-paced slog. I don't know why Bay and his writers keep forcing these movies to be around 2.5 hours long (this one is supposedly 167 minutes and felt like it). There's no writer's strike to use as an excuse this time. While there is nothing quite on the level of the "Mom gets high on pot brownies" tangent (John Malkovich's pointless character comes close), the first half of the movie feels completely separate from the second. It almost feels like watching Dead Man's Chest and At World's End back to back.
The first half deals with Sam's inability to find his purpose in life (employment) while keeping himself warm in the slender arms of Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who comes across much lovelier than the trailers made her look and is an able replacement for Megan Fox... hahahahah).
It's a crisis for the character I actually liked. He's someone who has helped to save the world 2 times and wants to do something that matters, except nobody seems to care anymore. He finds purpose again when trouble comes looking for him again and starts to investigate the cover-up of Apollo 11's real objectives. Some of this mystery is kind of fun, but for the amount of time spent on it, the answers come easily and arbitrarily.
The second half of the movie is the Decepticon invasion, and it's hilarious how this movie so desperately tries to mine tragedy out of it. It just doesn't work. And the second half feels like it goes on forever (like my ramblings). So much action. So much carnage. I don't caaaaaaare...
The robots feel very side-lined in this movie. The just show up to cause destruction or make a few last second saves. This happens way too many times in this movie. Considering how easily I'm thrilled by robot action, it's sad to say that the impressively rendered robot action didn't hit my sweet spot. But I think I can safely guarantee that duke is gonna LOVE IT ! ! ! !
Surprisingly, I was actually more engaged with the human-level action in this movie. There's still too much of it, but the helicopter diving sequence was genuinely thrilling. The 3D really seemed to enhance it. It also seems like Bay and his writers actively tried to find a way to involve LaBeouf in the robot action instead of just screaming for Optimus all the time. Not sure it always worked, but it felt a little more fresh.
What did I love about this movie? Desert Rat Megatron. HOBO Megatron. Optimus continuing to be a belligerent asshole. Some hilariously assholish reveals and reversals. Alan Tudyk. I also think that Shia LaBeouf is always game for these movies. I appreciate the manic energy he brings.
As usual, the evil plan that gets the plot moving once again makes so little sense with the other two movies. It's like finding out that there are Decepticons that can transform into hot college girls in the second movie. I've come to love those instances of sequel sloppiness.
But it all feels so middling in the end.
You know what was the most delightful moment in the movie? Just a throwaway bit of fourth-wall breaking by John Turturro. No special effects. Just an actor having a good time.
