I know another adult who never learned to ride a bike too, even though he gave it a good try. He'd get in position and get going but at the last moment his mind would yell "NO!" and he'd bail. It must suck, although not as much as not knowing how to swim. I hope you do finally find somewhere with no nutters around to learn to ride though, because it is pretty dman useful and can be a bunch of relaxing fun.
Did you ever post any of your films online?